in the heat of the moment - when you disagree with your partner

[dharmama]

We ran into a challenging situation in our family during dinner last night and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I'm not going to list the specifics because I think it would take the discussion off-track from where I wan to go (and plus I know you all would agree with me anyway ).

Basically our five-year-old had a meltdown during dinner. (This has been a long-term problem and we have done a lot to make things run smoother...but last night circumstances came together in a challenging way and led to a tantrum.)

DH attempted to gently set a boundary for her. One that is consistent with our family's rules for dinner time behavior.

She escalated her screaming.

Instead of removing her from the situation (which is what we generally do) he escalated and issued a threat...You need to do ABC or you will lose XYZ privilege.

In his mind this was a logical consequence for her behavior. In my mind it was not. It was punitive and controlling and I didn't like it.

So here's my question....

Right there. In that moment. When my husband issued the ultimatum and I was not comfortable what could I have done that is respectful of both my husband and my daughter.

(In the past I have intervened in a way that made him felt undermined, disrespected etc. and it has caused additional stress in our home because then he and I are at odds and meanwhile my daughter spirals out of control.)

I attempted to gently interject and try to redirect my husband. He was not hearing it and DD was screaming louder and louder.

So what I did was take a deep breath and remove my daughter from the table and help her calm down.

She felt as soon as she calmed down her "privilege" would be given back. It was clear to me that this issue was too "hot and sensitive" and that it was not going to happen this night without some significant fallout between dh and I.

I continued to help her calm down and attempted to create a logical consequence out of the situation...because you spent the last half an hour screaming and crying....it is now bedtime and we don't have time to do XYZ. We will make a plan for this for tomorrow night and be sure we set things up so it works for everyone.

She couldn't calm down and by this time DS was crying because we all went upstairs for bed and he lost out on the special treat as well. (This was not fair and I know it but it was past their bedtime at this point and I just couldn't open the can of worms of him staying downstairs and her going up.)

No matter how you look at it the whole thing was just a big giant mess.

Eventually everyone calmed down and they went to bed peacefully.

The energy in our house feels okay this morning. But I definitely want to follow up on this...privately with dh and then as a family so that it doesn't happen again.

Just wondering what other couples do in the heat of the moment when you don't agree with how your partner is handling something in a way that is respectful to everyone involved.

If you read this far. Thank you.

I appreciate hearing your thoughts.

~erin

[elizawill]

not knowing the specifics, it's hard to say what i'd do in that particular situation. i usually try to stand behind my dh in the moment, even if i disagree with him. we both abide by gentle discipline in the broad sense, however, we parent differently and are not at the same place on the GD spectrum. for me, i'm okay with that. i know that my husband is a great father, and although he handles situations differently than i would (i.e. timeout is the big one in our home), he honestly has a fabulous relationship with our children & i feel blessed to be married to such a great man. when he goes overboard and makes mistakes (is too punitive ...loses his cool, etc) - he always makes the situation right, and like me, he will apologize to our kids and make harmony between them. we both try to respect the other & if he is handling a situation, like you, i don't parent overtop of him. this is not easy for me all of the time, but it's important, as i expect the same from him.

***BUT*** i will completely disagree with him and discuss issues/concerns when our kids are not around. i don't attack him or judge him harshly, we are human and we both fall short of our ideal. my husband is very receptive to me though, and is always open to listen, improve, change. likewise, i remain open to him. that's not to say we always agree, but we will usually find a happy medium & compromise.

hope this helps. hugs.

[MariaMadly]

Disclaimer: DH and I both feel "consequences" (when used rather than encountered) are punitive, so we weren't having to handle any philosophical differences. We have both flat-out intervened for the kids (almost 17 and 20 now) with one another, privately if possible, but openly if events warranted. We kept as focused on the specific concern or behavior as much as possible, saw to the upset child, and then made sure everyone had a chance to air their side of it and tried to come to a consensus about future situations. We (DH and I) also discussed this in private with a great deal of brutal honesty and compassion. Bottom line, we don't do everything the same way, but we try to live as though we're all on the same side.

So sorry for how upsetting the evening must have been for all of you.

[mammastar2]

Sometimes the one of us who disagrees with the other's approach will just let it go, and we'll bring it up tactfully (hopefully!) later.

Other times we'll just jump in. I might have just said, "Hey, that sounds like a bribe! Can we not do that?" But I don't think that we have issues with feeling undermined by each other, and we don't mind disagreeing with each other or having the occasional fight in front of dd. I don't really get the 'united front' imperative, since I tend to feel that kids seeing that reasonable adults can disagree, or even be unreasonable and have a silly fight once in a while, is probably a good thing.

[elizawill]

each family is just so different, ykwim? for us, the "united front" isn't about protecting our kids from us having a disagreement. i think it's healthy for them to see us disagree, as it models it for them in a way they can learn from. but with parenting issues, we tend to pull together because my husband and i are partners, and we support each other. plus, i think he's a good dad honestly. in our situations, my child/children's behavior usually do warrant a consequence & i have rarely felt my dh was unreasonable in his feelings (however, the consequence is the aspect we find ourselves disagreeing about at times). for me, parenting is a journey, and just like me, my dh is learning along the way and doing the best that he can. i support that. if one of us were out of control or something, well, certainly we would help the other person, but i've not encountered this as of yet. i don't know what occurred in the op's situation - so i'm only gauging my response based on personal scenarios we've had in our own home.

[seriosa]

DH & I share a "big-picture" idea of how we want to raise our son, but we find that we rather frequently disagree on the little details. Generally speaking he will consider me too lax, and I will consider him too strict. But we don't contradict each other and we don't override each other. For example DH gets annoyed when DS eats all his dinner except the last forkfull. He thinks that there is always room for 1 more mouthful, and that DS is just being spoiled and wasteful. So he will often make an issue of it coaxing then complaining if DS doesn't eat that last bite. Sometimes he wins, sometimes not. I agree on principal that 1 last bite can be taken with no harm done, but I don't think it is worth making a big deal over and will let it slide. I won't pitch in to assist DH in his effort at persuasion, but I won't tell him, at least in front of DS to let it go (I tell him later and his response is usually "You let him get away with everything, I'm the one who has to be the bad guy to get him to do the right thing).
The point is, unless DH should do something that really and strongly goes against my parenting principles, I believe he has as much right as I do to decide how to deal with our son, and to act on his perception of the issues and his perception of the best way to solve them.
I've rambled on a bit, but I guess thats the point. He is DS's parent as much as I am. And he has the same right to parent as I do.

[JL83]

DH and I both generally practice GD. But we do it differently. We both do things the other doesn't like. One of us isn't always going to be right.

I don't think it's possible to weigh into your situation specifically without knowing what the consequence was. Certainly, some consequences are always punative, and some are natural or logical. Many can be viewed either way.

IMO, it matters more how the parent views the consequence and presents it to the child than what it actually is. I've sent my child to her room presented to her as her needing some space and quiet time to calm down. It's the same action as sending her to her room, but it's interpreted differently by both of us.

[aspenleaves]

Welcome to my home!!! My DH and I do not agree on the same way of dealing with issues and we do not agree on the need to discuss things. I am surprised I (or he) is still alive I get sooooo frustrated. To me your situation seems easy.

Ask him why he chose a punitive method in that instant. Did he get frustrate? Did he act rationally, like an adult? or did he become part of the tantrum? If he get defensive and doesn't come clean (Yes I was frustrated and lost my focus, does that ever happen to you?) then switch gears and ask him if he is thinking about now using control and punishment that way regularly, or was it a one time thing? IF the conversation opens up hopefully you will be home free. If he closes down and is defensive just clearly state what you want and let him know how you will react if it happens again.

I would not undermine his parenting. It doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong, or who has the better way of dealing. You both have to find common ground no matter what.

[sunnmama]

I back up my dh, and discuss it with him later if it really bugged me. A lot of times, the threats come out because someone is at the end of their rope, and in those cases I will "tag in" and let dh get some breathing space from the situation.

Originally Posted by mammastar2

I don't really get the 'united front' imperative, since I tend to feel that kids seeing that reasonable adults can disagree, or even be unreasonable and have a silly fight once in a while, is probably a good thing.

Believe me, we do an awesome job of modeling disagreement and silly fights

But what I've learned, for us, is that having a united front when dealing with our dc's behavior helps our dc deal with and accept the situation. I could see it being different with a different kid, though. In the heat of the moment, my dc needs to see us as calm and in control. Us disagreeing adds to the chaos, negating any benefits of "more perfect" parenting choices in the moment.

[JL83]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

I back up my dh, and discuss it with him later if it really bugged me. A lot of times, the threats come out because someone is at the end of their rope, and in those cases I will "tag in" and let dh get some breathing space from the situation.

DH and I both watch each other and will offer to help. Sometimes just a supportive look and "need help?" is enough. That lets the calm parent to step in and the worked up parent to cool off.

[dharmama]

thanks for all the responses. i really appreaciate them all.

the situation was that she rejected the dinner i served - very loudly and very rudely.

he got frustrated and told her she needed to eat what was on her plate if she was going to have dessert.

she went into high drama. gagging. covering her mouth. i *can't* eat it...it's gross.

i attempted to diffuse by sharing how i thought the stew my mil made the other day was going to be gross but i tried it and it wasn't. i encouraged her to at least try it and if it wasn't going to work for her to politely request an alternative.

i might as well have been saying blah-blah-blah. she was hysterical.

dh is at the end of his rope with the alternative dinner thing. he thinks that i have created a bad situation by offering alternatives to her (an egg sandwich or a peanut butter sandwich).

so he jumped in and said...but just know that you are not getting dessert unless you eat the healthy food mama prepared for you.

more drama. more screaming and crying. i can't eat it. i can't. it's too gross.

i'm super sensitive because it happened to be hamburger (tacos) that i had made. i never want to force my kids to eat meat (having been a vegetarian myself for 17 years).

(however it should also be noted that last time i made this meal i was the best mama in the world and she gobbled every bite.)

i was fine with her eating something else. however the rule we've had is that if you don't like what is served you eat what you can (i always put out a variety of options buffet style) and after the adults have eaten they will make something else if you need it.

this is not meant to be punishment. this is just me covering my basic needs. many nights i'm alone with the kids for dinner and i just can't do the short-order cook thing and most definitely not before i've gotten to eat myself.

the problem i have is that i feel dh drew a line in the sand right out of the gate with his "eat what is on your plate or there is no dessert" and that created a win-lose situation.

and of course in the end we all lost because it was such an unpleasant night.

he and i have been having a really productive e-mail discussion about it today.

he truly sees it as a logical consequence to not get dessert if you don't eat your dinner. (because if you don't eat the healthy growing foods/protein your body cannot metabolize the sugar of the dessert as well.)

for me it is not about what they are eating or not eating (to a certain extent) but that they are expressing themselves respectfully.

the complicating factor was that dinner was nearly 40 minutes later than usual last night (due to my misplanning) so she just wasn't able to access her appropriate words to express her disappointment in the meal.

anyway...i think this all was a lovely little gift for us. an opportunity to re-examine what we are doing and why.

for a long time every dinner was pretty much like last night. we've come a long way and i think we all kind of slipped into cruise-control mode.

this was a good reminder that we need to keep the lines of communication open and keep working to bring out the best in ourselves and each other!

[elizawill]

erin,

it sounds like you have a good handle on the situation. i'm glad you & your dh are discussing it positively and pulling good things out of the incident. i won't get into my POV regarding what your dh did, as i know you don't want the thread to become about that. i will say (if it makes you feel any better) my own dh would probably have responded the exact same way though.

fortunately, hindsight is always 20/20 & it sounds like you both are using this experience to your family's benefit (as a learning experience). kudos to you for that!!

hugs.

[dharmama]

Originally Posted by elizawill

erin,

it sounds like you have a good handle on the situation. i'm glad you & your dh are discussing it positively and pulling good things out of the incident. i won't get into my POV regarding what your dh did, as i know you don't want the thread to become about that. i will say (if it makes you feel any better) my own dh would probably have responded the exact same way though.

fortunately, hindsight is always 20/20 & it sounds like you both are using this experience to your family's benefit (as a learning experience). kudos to you for that!!

hugs.

thank you very much for this. i really appreciate it.

[dharmama]

also just wanted to share that i've been brainstorming some kind of catch phrase/mantra that we can all use when we get into this situation where two (or more) of us are locking horns.

so far my favorite one is "be kind - rewind"...i'm thinking that it is easy to remember and will really help to remind us that our foremost goal is to be kind to each other and that we can always "rewind" and start again if things are moving in a direction that feels wrong.

kind of like when my kids were toddlers and we used to do "do-overs" (ummm....like a dozen times a day some days )

i'm going to pitch it to my family this weekend and see what they think!

if anyone has any other suggestions...i'd love to hear them.

[bronxmom]

Just one quick suggestion: is your daughter old enough to fix herself a peanut butter sandwich. Might be worth teaching her and then she can just get up quietly and make herself one if she doesn't like what's served. That's just as healthy as tacos but also doesn't make you a short-order cook. Sounds like it probably wouldn't have done much in that situation but might be worth trying.