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Any Other Working Moms Feeling Isolated? - Page 2

post #21 of 74


Me too.
post #22 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post
Couldn't go to bed without responded to this, Myorianna. Don't let other people define who you are. AP is a parenting philosophy (just like you said), and not a checklist of items that set you up for failure if you don't adhere to every single item on the list.
Hey, thanks to everyone for your reassurance- its really nice to hear that I can still consider myself an AP parent, cause sometimes I feel really guilty that I do not have more time to spend with DD- like I am shorting her.
I think everyone deserves a big
post #23 of 74
Could have written previous posts too. Thanks for opening up, it makes me feel less alone and more accepted.
post #24 of 74
Agree with your experience exactly. I work in medicine where it is even more isolating to have non-mainstream views on such things-- particularly the breastfeeding past 1 year and the bedsharing... I feel like a bit of a freak show at work. When I found out one of the med students tandem nursed and home-birthed, I felt like giving her the biggest hug!!! I have become the go-to person in the office though for breastfeeding/pumping advice which is fun. I basically have no crunchy mama friends though. All the more holistic mamas seem to be staying home or at least working part-time... I can't wait another year or so when I will work part time and hopefully find my tribe. MDC has been a rock for me--- just reading all your similar experiences makes me feel so supported. My husband stays home too and is even more isolated.
post #25 of 74
Hugs to all the mamas who have posted so far.

I could easily write any of the above posts, when we first moved from Seattle to WI. It was crazy, I couldn't find anyone who didn't look sideways at us or like we had 3 eyes for our choices. DH is a SAHD and is a part of a SAHD group which has helped a bit - in that he has found some fellow SAHD who share similar life choices as us which is nice because I've met the moms and these ladies are starting to fill a void of a strong network of friends & moms from back in Seattle I had. Still though - lots of loneliness & days of struggle in terms of trying to keep balance about my choices such as wanting to work vs. trying to be an uber homemaker. Its not pretty by any means.

Mostly though MDC has been a godsend for me, to get a balance in life and not feel so lonely or like I was crazy. Ahh love posting during my "lunch hour"
post #26 of 74

I do occasionally feel isolated from my local crunchy moms group.  Many are SAH or have their own businesses so have a couple week days off to do play dates and the like. 

 

I find myself going weeks and even months without seeing any of them (although a couple recently joined my knitting group).  On top of working full time, I also go to school, wow culture shock there.

 

For a while I tried to get weekend play dates going but washed that because frankly weekends are OUR family time.   Now that DS (only) is almost 9, I am not so worried about it.  He's got his own circle and I'm meeting more parents through afterschool activities.  Including a super crunchy mom that is my DP's assistant coach's wife. 

 

I do want to mention that I find that it cycles a bit too, since I am looking back over 9 years instead of months or a couple years.  There are periods when things worked out that I got to see a great deal my "crunchy" friends & children and times like now, that time is premium and I will turn down invites because, oh my I have a chance to have the house completely to myself for a couple hours.

 

post #27 of 74
I'm with you. It was so nice on maternity leave to be able to go to a natal parenting playgroup at 10 am on a Tuesday. As a working mom, it seems like 90% or more of kid activities and playgroups are during my work day. It is isolating and months go by where the only interactions I have are with work collegues at work, or my family at home. I just don't understand hiw to find time to cultivate friendships with like minded mamas without sacrificing family time. Maybe loss of mama friends is on price of being a WOHM. Thank goodness for MDC or I would feel totally alone in my crunchy parenting while working lifestyle.
post #28 of 74

I can definitely relate. I work in healthcare and where I work right now, I am the only one of my colleagues that has children so none of my coworkers understand why I struggle to get to work on time every morning and why I often look semi-disheveled. They are all mainstream so if they ever do become parents, they aren't likely to understand the same choices or decisions that I have made. Of my friends who do work, they work part-time and can stay home a few days a week. I do know what you mean about the isolation of not being able to attend playgroups, events, etc during the day. My older daughter now attends preschool and a lot of those moms also stay at home. I can't really break into the stay-at-home mom groups, particularly the ones that do like minded choices as we do because there isn't much that goes on during the weekends in terms of getting together and often, I am just too pooped from the work week and want to stay at home with the kids to catch up on quality time. Anyway, I feel you on the isolation as I often feel like I don't have any friends I can consistently call or hang out with. It's also hard for my DH, who is a SAHD. We've been trying to make more friends but it's harder than we would like to admit.

post #29 of 74

Nice to see this thread! I can totally relate as well. I am currently a student (so my schedule's a bit less than FT) but even so I haven't been able to connect with any like-minded mamas. Even if I can go to daytime activities (which usually don't mesh with my school schedule) I tend to avoid those situations because I just end up feeling inadequate somehow or like I have nothing in common with the SAHMs there (I realize this is a bit of my own guilt/self-consciousness). My friends from before baby are all mainstream (mix of WOH & SAH) & I often find myself ducking out of sleep training conversations. It sucks. And I'm lucky! There's a local AP group that actually respects the fact that there are working AP families in the area & holds their meetings on the weekends. But it only happens once a month (if that) & either we're out of town or DS is sick or I have to study etc. The families are very nice but I've been twice in the past year.

 

DH tries to lift my spirits by reminding me that we've always lived our lives independently & without regard to the mainstream & that has always left us a little isolated. He's right, but my response is not this isolated! As parents we're definitely far more isolated than in other areas of our lives. It's a hard adjustment & more than a little startling.

 

I started a blog a while ago & want to restart it to discuss some of these issues. I think about this sort of thing a lot & even it it's not so interesting I think it'd be cathartic to write about. Maybe if I ever do I'll post it to my profile & let you all know.

post #30 of 74

I honestly think that people generally are very lonely and isolated in this country.  I attribute this to the overemphasis on independence and privacy, as well as the formulation of the nuclear family.  Almost everyone I know struggles with loneliness... it seems like it's universal here.

 

I am an AP, WOHM.  It does seem like the mothers at work are not AP, and the AP moms are at home or have jobs that are flexible and run by themselves.  I've been struggling with this and trying to understand what I can do to resolve this.  I do truly believe that these long hours of maternal separation are probably not ideal; however, I also believe that babies can and do form attachments to other adults... and that it is ultimately healthy for them.  It's a balance- and I feel like nobody can really understand that.

 

I feel that AP moms who work truly have it really difficult.  Our days are spent at work, our evenings are spent with the baby... and when the baby sleeps, we spend with husband, cleaning, getting ready for the next day.  We hardly see anybody, and I know that I feel too guilty doing a Mom's Night Out since my daughter still wakes up and is dependent on me to put her back to sleep.  It's just frustrating.

post #31 of 74

 

Quote:
I honestly think that people generally are very lonely and isolated in this country.

I agree with this.  Growing up, I had my grandparents and cousins all living on the same block.  Then as the years went by everyone moved away except my grandparents.  But back then, kids also spent lots of time outside with other kids playing from sun up till after sun down.

 

I feel isolated too.  I have my work friends, some of whom are moms and if it weren't for our busy lives on weekends, we would probably try and get together sometimes.  We also live far from one another too, so that doesn't help much.  Most of the friends we hang out with in the evenings are our friends from our pre-child days since their schedules are flexible and they can come over in the evenings and hang out after I put DS to bed.  My BFF, who lives in another state and also works feels the same way I do regarding the isolation.  Our sons are a month apart so we have lots in common.  We chat on the phone 2-3x per week.  She recently moved and she currently doesn't have any friends where she lives.  Working sort of interferes with that.

Yesterday felt like the first time in awhile where we weren't swamped with errand running all weekend, so we took DS to a really nice park for him to run around in. 

post #32 of 74

YES. Most of my "friends" that I can relate to on parenting and lifestyle choices are virtual. I HATE that. My best friend lives in Phoenix. Sooooo far away! She and I are of the same mind-set and I hate that now that she's had a baby she is so far from me. :(

I love MDC but I do wish that I had more people around me to spend time with. The small amount of time that I have between full-time work, a 2.5 year old, a 15 month old and a 17 year old! haha!

post #33 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by nkintzel View Post

YES. Most of my "friends" that I can relate to on parenting and lifestyle choices are virtual. I HATE that. My best friend lives in Phoenix. Sooooo far away! She and I are of the same mind-set and I hate that now that she's had a baby she is so far from me. :(

I love MDC but I do wish that I had more people around me to spend time with. The small amount of time that I have between full-time work, a 2.5 year old, a 15 month old and a 17 year old! haha!



Our lives are both crazy busy and our children's ages don't exactly line up at all, but we should figure out a way to get together! 

post #34 of 74


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by gmvh View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by nkintzel View Post

YES. Most of my "friends" that I can relate to on parenting and lifestyle choices are virtual. I HATE that. My best friend lives in Phoenix. Sooooo far away! She and I are of the same mind-set and I hate that now that she's had a baby she is so far from me. :(

I love MDC but I do wish that I had more people around me to spend time with. The small amount of time that I have between full-time work, a 2.5 year old, a 15 month old and a 17 year old! haha!



Our lives are both crazy busy and our children's ages don't exactly line up at all, but we should figure out a way to get together! 

I KNOW! Seriously! I have TRIED to get to cook-outs and stuff at your house! hahha! Will keep trying! :) Thanks for reminding me that I DO have people around me. Sometimes its hard to pull my head out of my life and see what's out there.
 

post #35 of 74

My dd is 8 and I have felt that way for a long time.  Our community center, libraries, and YMCA's in our area offer a really awesome variety of parent/child activities and enrichment activities for kids to do, but they are during working hours when mostly just SAHM's can take advantage of them.  The only mom groups in the area are restricted to SAHM's.  It feels like another slap in the face to mom's who have to work to support their family.  These places are all open at night and on weekends and they could easily offer programs to enrich all families, something that I think is especially important for families where parents have to be away from their kids for long hours during the week, they choose to ignore the needs of single parent families and families where both parents have to or just do work. 

post #36 of 74

 

Quote:
The only mom groups in the area are restricted to SAHM's.  It feels like another slap in the face to mom's who have to work to support their family.  These places are all open at night and on weekends and they could easily offer programs to enrich all families, something that I think is especially important for families where parents have to be away from their kids for long hours during the week, they choose to ignore the needs of single parent families and families where both parents have to or just do work.

 

 

I agree, we're in the same situation. And my boyfriend and sister take our son places during the day, but I want to be the one to go sometimes too! I know I'm lucky to have free child care from my boyfriend (and sister when needed), but I feel like I miss out on a lot.

 

None of the work I do is really child friendly. :( I work in IT (with great co-workers, but the other parents have much older children), and my boyfriend and I have a media production/record label business. Music and DJing are not parent/child friendly at all, but we make it work the best we can. Sometimes it is hard to mesh passions and parenting. :(

post #37 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by myorianna View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post
Couldn't go to bed without responded to this, Myorianna. Don't let other people define who you are. AP is a parenting philosophy (just like you said), and not a checklist of items that set you up for failure if you don't adhere to every single item on the list.
Hey, thanks to everyone for your reassurance- its really nice to hear that I can still consider myself an AP parent, cause sometimes I feel really guilty that I do not have more time to spend with DD- like I am shorting her.
I think everyone deserves a big



Just wanted to jump in and say that YES you are an AP parent (even though I like to stay away from labels).  I have 2 great mom friends at school, and we are all "AP" parents (although we parent very differently from each other), and the one and only thing we all agree on wholeheartedly is that we could never be SAHM's.  We all have HUGE amounts of respect for SAHM's b/c we just could.not.do.it.

 

I would just stay away from the chats that make it apparent that you do different things (circ, cio, discipline) and talk about what makes being a mom GOOD - seeing the milestones for the first time, playing with our babies, snuggling (everyone loves to snuggle a baby, they may not do it all night, but they have to like those little baby snuggles!), etc.  I have mom friends who are all different, the only thing we have in common is our kids - but we are all great friends and rely on each other for babysitting, and other random help, b/c we all know what its like to be a student mama.  AP should not be something that we stand up for so strongly that it isolates from the rest of the parenting world. 

post #38 of 74


 


 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by myorianna View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post
Couldn't go to bed without responded to this, Myorianna. Don't let other people define who you are. AP is a parenting philosophy (just like you said), and not a checklist of items that set you up for failure if you don't adhere to every single item on the list.



AP should not be something that we stand up for so strongly that it isolates from the rest of the parenting world. 


I really like this point! Sometimes I feel like this happens between my SIL and myself. And its MY fault. Thanks for reminding us! :)

post #39 of 74
I hear you, some of my coworkers have kids close to Sydney's age, but they are all men so they just don't get everything I'm going through. I am trying to connect with some of the other mom's at her daycare, but so far not much beyond some friendly chit chat at pick up and drop off. I'm not super crunchy, but I'm also not as mainstream as most parents at my work or daycare, so it is tough when I have a 13 month old who doesn't sleep through the night and all the other babies do, either because of aggressive sleep training or because they just do. I'm the only one still BFing an "older baby" and that sort of thing. I do think it will be easier once so many of the sensitive infant topics are all in the past. And I have a hard time connecting with women in general because I still am such a masculine woman (tomboy, whatever you want to call it). I just don't get a lot of women smile.gif These boards help a lot, but it isn't the same as having a close mom friend or two would be. Hopefully one my brothers and their wives have kids soon, that would help I think!
post #40 of 74

I'm currently a SAHM with my ds2, 13 month old. However when I was working up until a few months before his birth, I felt more isolated than I did staying home with my ds1. Granted I worked with only a few men and in a very isolated setting. I didn't know many other mothers to begin with and working all week really didn't afford any opportunities to meet any. My close friend at the time didn't have any children.

 

We've been here in Colorado for just over a year now and it's still pretty isolating, but I'm back to staying home for a while. I am looking at going back to school though this next year and hope that will afford more opportunities.

 

OP, if you want to meet or be up for some weekend get togethers I would be interested. We're still new enough in town that we'd love to meet more people. I have a 5yr ds and a 13 month ds.

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