Unsure about finding out sex...

[ivymae]

We started out this pregnancy planning not to have any ultrasounds, which made the question of whether or not we would find out the sex moot. We've recently decided to have a 18 week scan, so now we are debating whether to find out baby's sex. So far we have found out with one child, and been surprised at birth with the other, so we've done both and felt like there were pros and cons with each.

This time we are hoping for a boy, and I'm not sure if I would be happier to know before birth and have time to reframe my expectations, or if I would rather wait and find out at birth, when I hope it would not matter. I worry that their birth day could have a shade of disappointment if baby is a girl, and I just do not want that.. but I loved the surprise and pay off of finding out after birth last time....

So, if you are having a scan, are you finding out? Is anyone else still on the fence?

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

I probably would not have an ultrasound just to determine gender. Probably However, if I were having one-- sitting right there, knowing that even the tech, a relative stranger, knows the gender of my child-- I would want to know. I kindof think of having the information right there and not taking it is like... artificial surprise, or something.

I have a friend who wanted a boy SO badly. She didn't find out in her first pregnancy, was TOTALLY expecting a boy. Girl (of course). She *so* wanted a boy as her oldest (to be a "protector," etc) that she tried again when Baby1 was only 6 mos old (reasoning that by the time they were old enough for it to matter the second child could act like a "big brother"). She was convinced it was a boy. I was so convinced it was a boy that I went out and bought a blue onesie that said 'I am not a girl" on it as a baby gift for her. When the baby came out and the doctor said, "It's a girl," my friend said, "WHAT?" and I have to say that when her husband called me to say that the baby had been born, the primary feeling I felt was disappointment for her because I knew she wanted a boy so badly.

Now, it sounds like your situation is not that extreme! Maybe if you're still undecided at the time you can ask the tech to write it down and put it in an envelope-- then you have the chance to change your mind if you want to later, or at least make finding out a really exciting experience (I have friends who always do that, the go out to dinner w/ the envelope, open it up, and come up with a name together).

[rhiOrion]

Definitely finding out. I think I'd go crazy if I didn't know. I'm scared that baby will have his/her legs crossed and we won't find out the sex at the 18w scan.

[sew_crafty_girl]

I'm still not finding out. I'd have to pay for a private scan to find out.

[ArtsyMomma]

I've experienced gender disappointment myself and I think that if there is even a slim possibility that you will be upset about the gender, and you are going to have an u/s anyway, then you should find out. It will give you more time to adjust.

If you really think you won't be upset, then you could wait for the surprise!

I've never waited, always found out around 20 wks. I considered waiting with my last pregnancy, but I had so many u/s's done that I would have figured it out myself eventually (and I did during the 18 wk lol). This time around, I really don't care either way - but I'm going to find out because DP is already suffering from gender disappointment and we don't know what we are having yet!

[Carita]

The first time I found out at my shower - at about 37 weeks. I really loved doing that. So I had the 18 week scan, but never opened the envelope with the revealing u/s pictures.

this time I am finding out. This is my last, and I want to know what to purge of DS's clothes and see what I need to buy. Most of my major items are very G/N so I am glad I didn't find out with the first. I did get a little tired about g/n clothes after the first month... I really wanted something other than green or yellow to stop people asking if it was a boy or a girl :

So I guess if you want to have more, then it doesn't matter so much finding out as far as preparation, but if this is your last, I'd want to know...

[Peace+Hope]

eh, that's a tough one, ivymae!

have wondered about this myself for "in case" scenarios, and i THINK i'd still want to wait... but that's because my/our personal motivation for waiting: feeling like there is so much to focus on now, the unfolding of experiencing what it means for us to become parents, contemplating and appreciating this transition as it unfolds naturally.

i also resonate w/ what you said about when the baby arrives, any feelings about gender will kinda cease to matter. of course, not true for everyone...

sound like first-time romanticism? haha, totally!

my other reason, life has too few real surprises, would wilt in the face of a picture sitting in front of my face i'm sure artificial surprise indeed, mater!

[Amandamanda]

my scan is MONDAY and i was so convinced i wanted to find out and now i am starting to think it would be fun to have the tech write it down and i could look later.

then that idea goes out the window because i am so impatient. haha. good luck deciding!

[GreenTeaGinger61]

I did it both ways too Ivy With my son I was so glad I knew because I was convinced it was a girl, wanted a girl, and finding out gave me time to adjust emotionally. With my second birth, we had to pay extra, and I wasn't willing to pay to just know the gender. It was a hard pregnancy for a variety of reasons so gender was almost a mute issue. Of course I was thrilled with a girl. With my third, we had the scan as part of our insurance, and I figured we might as well find out

We will hopefully know this time as well for a couple of reasons.
1. I am an anal retentive planner. I have a hard time floating which is what I feel like I'm doing right now. I own nothing because the plan was to stop at three;P So I want to be able to buy things and while I am not a pink person I do like gender clothing to a degree! Plus we can pick a name...things that just make me feel more prepared so to speak.

2. I want a boy really bad as badly as I wanted Umberto to be a girl. Thus I know if it's a girl I'm going to have to work some emotion. It won't be horrible or send me into a depression but I certainly don't want any bit of sadness on my baby's birth so to speak.

[CherryBomb]

We found out with #1 and #3, we left #2 a secret (good thing we had planned on not finding out because her legs were firmly crossed, anyway! ) We're definitely finding out with this one. I know I'll deal with disappointment if this baby is a boy, I'd rather have time to adjust.

[leavemealone]

I haven't found out with any of my kids and I love it that way. I can't imagine many situations where I would want to find out ahead of time. If was I on the fence, I would not find out b/c once you find out, you can't go back to not knowing, but you have the chance to find out later.

Another possibility is to have the tech write it down on a sheet of paper and leave it in your file at the drs office. The gender is not recorded in the mom's file at my drs office so I assume it is not in most other places, but I suppose it might be in some offices.

[Jeannabna]

I found out with dd1 but dd2 was a surprise. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the surprise. It makes the birth so much more exciting for me. If I were in your situation, and I found out early I think I would be more disappointed than if I found out when I met my sweet baby. It seems hard to not be happy with something so precious in your arms.

[sprouthead]

i'm definitely finding out.. i guess i like to plan, and i'm not so much into surprises.. i'm having such strong girl vibes though that i'd feel bad identifying this baby as a girl for another 6 months and then finding out it's a boy. and ds already calls the baby his "sister London"

[DoulaAlicia]

Still on the fence. I've found out with all three of my children. And this time I was convinced I would wait. By my husband hates the idea of waiting. He has begged me to at least get it in an envelope in case we want to find out. But I know my personality. I will open it!

I'm torn. With three boys I'm not even sure whether I want a girl or a boy. Last time I thought it wasn't a big deal and when I opened my envelope I read boy and cried. I felt so guilty! About 15 minutes later I was happy as could be and couldn't understand why I cried. I honestly think it was all the pressure from family/friends to achieve the girl after two boys.

So this time I'm having a hard time deciding where my brain is on the issue. I can't imagine being disappointed at the birth but I didn't imagine I would cry last time opening the envelope!

Also I've watched so many births and the parents who don't know have such a look in their eyes and react with so much excitement after the birth. They are visibly different in my opinion (much of the time) than Moms/Dads who already know. So that is a very exciting thought!

I don't know!! on the fence just like you.

[bubbamummy]

I will be having a scan and will NOT be finding out. We found out with DS because the whole 'pregnancy thing' was new-everything was suprising. With this one I kinda feel a bit BTDT so the leaving it a suprise is like the really 'special' thing about this pregnancy. Dont get me wrong-all pregnancies are special...but y'know, its the one 'difference' between my pregnancies!

id say if youre worried you might be disappointed, then find out. Like the others have said, you'll have more 'adjustment time'. I was a *little* disappointed to find out DS was a boy but by the time the pregnancy was almost over I was beyond excited. I had all my 'boy stuff' and was totally happy with the boy idea.

This time I really honestly would love another boy, or a girl. I see pro's and cons to each. Im just as excited either way so not finding out is fine


BTW what is it like when you DONT find out? do you feel as bonded? was it a huge magical moment when they said 'its a ......' or was it more like 'whatever-glad that is over?' just interested.

[ivymae]

Originally Posted by bubbamummy

BTW what is it like when you DONT find out? do you feel as bonded? was it a huge magical moment when they said 'its a ......' or was it more like 'whatever-glad that is over?' just interested.

I felt bonded with her in a different way than i did with DD1 - it was like i had always known DD2, where as with DD1, there was a shock of "Who are you and why do i love you so much?!" I don't know if it was because their pregnancies were so different, or because I had already "become a mom", but my bond with DD2 has always been on a different level. I knew her intuitively before she was born, and accepting her as she was willing to come was part of our bond. (BTW, i think I may have just convinced myself not to find out. Hmm.)

As far as the big reveal: We forgot to look for the first few minutes! I went from starting transition to catching my baby in a half hour, so the fact that i was holding a baby in my arms was so exciting that we just didn't think to look. We called her cricket all the way through her pregnancy, so i just kept saying "Hello Cricket!" until it dawned on me that she had a real name now, but that I needed to check and see what it would be!

I loved all of that, but she was also baby #2, and we knew we would be having more, so she really could have been either and we would have been thrilled. This time, we are not so sure there will be more babies, so a boy would make that decision a lot easier. It sounds horrible, but if this baby is girl, I am afraid my first thought will be "Oh god, I have to go through that AGAIN". And that is just not how I want to be thinking...

I think we will probably have the tech look, but not find out on the day of. Maybe DH and I can go out for a date and find out, or at thanksgiving with the family. I agree that if I am conflicted I should probably wait, but .. Oh I am just conflicted.

[sehbub]

We're having the anatomy scan done, but are waiting to find out the gender until the shower when we cut the cake for the big reveal.

DH and I both want to get a few gender specific items before baby arrives, and I know I'll need time to adjust no matter the gender, for different reasons.

I don't think finding out before takes anything away from the birth, though. It's a surprise no matter what, you know? It's just a matter of whether it's a surprise at the middle of the pregnancy or the end. Knowing with DD3 enabled me to bond with her some, which helped immensely given the trauma we faced in her birth and our delayed bonding.

With DS I was just so thrilled to not be buying PINK. I love girl clothes, but they got OLD for me after three girls.

[Belia]

Not even pg and totally crashing your DDC...

... But we did the "write the gender on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope" thing with DS. Then we opened it at a Housewarming/Baby Gender Reveal party a few weeks later. I baked cupcakes... some with pink decorations and some with blue.... and people "guessed" what they thought the gender would be based on what they ate. My entire family and a bunch of friends were there... my sister was on speakerphone from Ohio.... we had the grandmas open the envelope together and announce it to the group. It was AWESOME!!! So much fun, and everybody found out at the same time, and the news of the gender didn't compete with the news of the birth, KWIM? Everybody was screaming and going nuts. I'm getting teary just thinking about it. It was so special. I would do it the same way in a heartbeat.

Plus, I got to put the note from the dr in DS's scrapbook.

The way I think about it is.... finding out the sex of your baby is ALWAYS a surprise. It's just a matter of when that surprise takes place. In the dr's office.... at a party.... in the delivery room... doesn't matter. That moment when you hear "It's a ..." is always a nailbiter.

[Riverbeauty]

we started the preg. not wanting to know either... but since we have to get the ultrasounds for medical reasons anyway......

[shantiani]

Originally Posted by ivymae

We started out this pregnancy planning not to have any ultrasounds, which made the question of whether or not we would find out the sex moot. We've recently decided to have a 18 week scan, so now we are debating whether to find out baby's sex. So far we have found out with one child, and been surprised at birth with the other, so we've done both and felt like there were pros and cons with each.
....
So, if you are having a scan, are you finding out? Is anyone else still on the fence?

Originally Posted by MaterPrimaePuellae

I probably would not have an ultrasound just to determine gender. Probably However, if I were having one-- sitting right there, knowing that even the tech, a relative stranger, knows the gender of my child-- I would want to know. I kindof think of having the information right there and not taking it is like... artificial surprise, or something.

This is us.... we are leaning towards no u/s, but part of me really wants to peak inside! We won't get one for sex alone but if something comes up and we do get one, we will find out. Having anyone (even a stranger) know, takes away part of the mystery for me. The more I hear about the surprise reveal, the more I like that idea though. Especially in your case since you do have a bit of preference to influence your reaction.