How to teach a 10 month old?

[bcblondie]

My son is 10 months and obviously, already starting to get into things he shouldn't. He likes to bite the coffee table, or bite dad, or grab things he shouldn't. You name it. Typical 10 month old stuff.
How do I teach him no? It seems so easy and effective to give him a little tap on the hand... is that bad? How should I do this?

[Theoretica]

Do me a favor.

Demonstrate "no" to me. Can you act out "No"? What about "Don't"? Can you act out what it looks like to obey the command "don't"?

Ok then, just use your words. Post a reply to me describing what "no" and "don't" look like. You may not use the words "No" or "don't".

I'm not being sarcastic or difficult, I'm serious

Think about how hard it is for you, as an adult, to demonstrate "No" or "Don't". Now imagine how difficult it is for an infant to do the same.

Instead, focus on telling what TO do.

"DS can bite this toy, this is a biting toy"
"DS can have xyz, here you go"

Please don't 'tap' him on the hand. That teaches him his mama will hit him and nothing more. Teach him what he CAN do and that will go miles towards improvement

[bcblondie]

Ok so basically what you are saying is say "no" and give him something else to bite? That's doable. thanks

[Theoretica]

That's not what I'm saying

Tell him what TO do. Stop telling him No and Don't.

Seriously...try to explain what "No" and "don't" look like in your post? It's really hard, if not impossible. We're adults. If I can't demonstrate "No" and "Don't" then how can an infant?

So stop using those words. Tell him what he CAN do. He bites you/dad/toes (my 18mo old went through a toe fetish...yowzer!) and you say Ouch! Biting Hurts! Here, bite this teether (demonstrate biting teether), it's ok to bite teethers!

Focus on what he CAN do, stop focusing on what you want him to NOT do.

Does that make more sense?

[bcblondie]

Oh now I see. You're saying not to say "don't" ie, negative, but "do this instead," ie, positive.
Do you think he's a bit young for that yet though? he's only 10 months. I'm no sure he can understand much past the basic "yes" and "no." Maybe I'm selling him short?

[Theoretica]

Being completely honest...yes you're selling him short

If he's too young to understand "do this" than he's DEFINITELY too young to understand "No, don't do this". Because comprehending a negative statement is MUCH more difficult.

All of that aside, my 18mo old was right where yours is about eight months ago...they get it Telling them what TO do, and offering a big distraction, makes a big difference.

HTH mama, this too shall pass!

[bcblondie]

How do you keep consistant with it? DS was reaching for something only moments after I read this and right away I was like "no no no." It's SO hard to get out of the habbit!

And how do you get dh on the bandwagon? He already thinks I'm a little nuts (I think) because I said no more "tapping" the hand a few weeks ago.

[Latte Mama]

I'm 3 months ahead of you and I've already learned that they DON'T know what the heck mama is talking about

[APToddlerMama]

I agree with the other advice. Show/tell him what he can do and don't "tap" him! I read a great book...Discipline without Distress...which basically says that prior to age two, you need to think about discipline as just damage control. You're not really "teaching" them so much at this age or really expecting their behavior to change. They need to explore their world and can't remember NOT to do certain things even when you tell them again and again. Just have to keep doing it until they're older. It also said they really don't understand that "no" means "not do" until closer to two, so again, I'd redirect him and get him interested in something that he can do. Good luck.

[bcblondie]

^^^ah. That explains why he repeatedly crawls under teh computer to grab the wires.

Think I can get that book at the library? (we don't have tons of money to buy books impulsively. lol.)

[Shami]

Remember he has absolutely zero impulse control until past the toddler stage. Even is he does understand "no" he cannot control himself, nor can he remember at this age.
For your own sanity stay away from the constsant "no's" and "don'ts".
Your best bet is to redirect/direct and tell him what TO DO.

This is only a stage and it will pass. I did not use no or don't with my dd. She will be two in a few days, and I am very happy with her ability to follow my directions (with a little help of course). I think that cognitively it helped her to learn how to follow directions because I started from the time she was crawling and getting into everything. Oh, and about the 'getting into everything' phase, that is his job. This is how he learns about his little universe by touching, chewing, seeing, climbing, throwing. So, try and do a switch in your brain from, 'he is being disobedient' to 'he is learning his environment'. Also, he has to do things repeatedly in order to learn it (whatever it is). This is why toddlers want to watch the same video a million times and they never tire of it. They learn by repitition.
Hope this helps. Hang in there.

[bcblondie]

That does make a lot of sense. And just for the record. I didn't mean "getting into everything" in a derogatory way. I do know he's exploring.
But yea that does make sense why, when I say "noooo..." he looks at me and crawls faster LOL. (it's super cute, though sometimes frustrating)

So I was trying to figure out how to get DH on bored without sounding nutty ( I keep coming up with all these parenting tips, I don't want to seem controlling...) but I read him this :
Remember he has absolutely zero impulse control until past the toddler stage. Even is he does understand "no" he cannot control himself, nor can he remember at this age.
For your own sanity stay away from the constsant "no's" and "don'ts".
Your best bet is to redirect/direct and tell him what TO DO.

And he's right on board
Thanks girls!!

I've also realized that in the past, when he HAS stopped doing something when I said no, it was only because he was looking at me because I was talking. That's correct, isn't it?

[AislinCarys]

Yes, that is correct. Your child does understand a lot of what you are saying, and will understand even more over the next few months. He will understand instructions (but not necessarily understand why he should follow them! ), but only as long as they are clear and simple: "Can you see the ball? Go get the ball." or "Lets make a tower with these blocks. Can you pick up the ball? "Ow, that hurts. We can hit the drum instead, like this".

The more we talk to our babies, the more they pick up laguage. Complicated parts of language, however (like negated statement, no and don't), are not that easy to pick up, as they are very abstract. So they mean very little, as opposed to the concrete parts of a sentence (i.e. "pick flowers"). As a result, saying "Don't pick the flowers" to my 19-month-old is a sure-fire way to make sure the flowers get picked!

[EzzysMom]

I found the word 'stop' to be helpful to get me to transition from saying 'no' so much. Now I try to reserve it for more dangerous situations. I find it makes me a happier person too to not say 'no' so much

[justKate]

Originally Posted by EzzysMom

I found the word 'stop' to be helpful to get me to transition from saying 'no' so much. Now I try to reserve it for more dangerous situations. I find it makes me a happier person too to not say 'no' so much

My 9 month old is starting to understand that "stop!" is important--I use it for when she's about to throw herself off of the couch/bed, or when she grabs glasses off of faces. These are important enough to warrant "stop!"

For things she shouldn't have, I remove them and replace them with something else or another interesting thing to occupy her (like a wooden spoon, whatever).

For pinching/biting/kicking, we say "ouch, that hurts!" and move her/us away so that the fun of the painful activity ends.

We're also signing some of this, even though she doesn't seem to get it yet. Stop and hurt are pretty easy signs, so I'm hoping she'll get them soon. good luck with your LO. I know it can be a painful stage!

[bcblondie]

Thanks girls. This is my first venture over to "gentle disclipline" and I'm learning so much. I finally understand what you're saying about "demontrating no." It's not an action you can show them. So that's why they don't understand it at this age.

I'm already feeling like a burden was lifted, no longer trying in vain to teach him "no."
I'm interested in teaching him signs too. My friend taught her LO signs, like "cherios" (well, cereal) and her daughter could sign it before she could say more than like, 10 words. So I've been browsing the website a little.

[Theoretica]

I am so glad you're feeling better! I felt so liberated when I let go of the old 'norms' of punitive parenting. Baby signs are a HUGE help for us. My 18mo old has been signing since she was about 5 months old, and at around 10-12 months she had about 15-20 signs I think? Now she's got about 40+. We went to the zoo a couple weeks ago and she was able to sign that she wanted to go see the monkeys, then after that the butterflies, and then she wanted to ride in the stroller because she was tired but wanted to see the tigers. She can ask for a specific person to play a specific game/toy with her, she tells us when she wants her diaper changed (and now she signs potty too...loads of fun LOL) and even what she wants to eat (apple vs sandwich etc).

Makes it a LOT easier to figure out what she wants/needs, and really cuts down on the frustration based tantrums!

Keep us posted mama, good luck and I'm so happy for your family that you are starting on the GD path!

[alexsam]

The other big idea that is coupled with this is YOUR ABILITY TO CONTROL THE ENVIRONMENT. Since you already understand that he doesn't really "get" no AND even if he did, the lack of impulse control cannot override the desire to explore, besides finding the right words and the right frame of mine, you can prevent a lot of it by changing his space. If computer wires are a problem, organize and tie them up. Or put up a baby gate. If reaching things on tables or putting dangerous things in his mouth are times you find yourself chasing him saying "no", it is time to put all that stuff away (for now at least). Gates and locks can save sanity, as you won't be saying "no" (or anything else along those lines) nearly as much if you create an environment where he IS free to explore. Toys and safe things down low. All else, up high or locked away.

You will find that this theme will persist in parenting and in gentle discipline. The idea is to create an environment where your child is safe, can try out new things and will not need an abundance of "correction". No yelling, "no", "tapping" or anything else needed. It is much easier to explain things to them and be patient with their learning if the consequences are not disasterous or too upsetting. And with your forethought and arrangement of the environment, that can happen pretty often.

[bcblondie]

That is true. We are having a hard time baby proofing though. We have 2 flights of stairs so we'd kinda need 4 gates. And the one set of stairs only has a portion of a wall, so nothing to attatch a gat to, at the bottom, KWIM? He LOVES climbing the stairs. And I let him do so. But man I don't have time for him to do it 500 times a day.
Also, under the computer, the plug is visible, and lotsa wires, and a speaker control box. No real place to move it. MAYbe we could hide it somehow. I tried throwing a blanket over the speaker but that's probably a fire hazard. Plus he can still see teh outlet and what's plugged into it so, off he goes! Maybe I can nail somethign to the backboard....

The TV has a playstation and lotsa wires. We want to sell it for a wall mountable one but can't find a buyer.

Uh what else. There's no doorway to the laundry room. I layed the ironing board on it's side, and that seems to stop him. But he's getting strong enough to move it now... Plus I'm going to trip one day...
anyways if he gets in there, there's cat litter, storage, empty beer cases... He'd have a hay day. I mean. I'm ALWAYS here with him so he won't be able to but man. We need to figure out a system.

Oh can crap. Forget about talking on the fone in his presence. He HAS to have the phone. Press the bottons.. chew it.. He actually called my FIL one time by hitting "send" twice. FIL thought it was pretty hilarious.

Ugh. We have a second computer that isn't used, the side board is broken off (because it overheats, dh took it off) adn the doors that computer table are also off. I don't know how I'd cover that up. All though he doesn't seem too interested as of yet.

I have infinate baby proofing to do I guess.

Any tips are welcome lol. (keep in mind we don't have much money for play yards, etc...)

[APToddlerMama]

Baby and toddler proofing is great! I didn't do it forever because I didn't want to spend the money or the time, but I have found it to be so helpful. For probably around $50, we bought four $10 gates, and then dummy plugs for the electric sockets, and locks for all of the unsafe/don't want messed up drawers/cabinets/entertainment center, etc. My son is 18 months and is a lot less irritated if he just "can't" get in to something than if I am standing there holding it shut or moving him away from it.

As for the Discipline without Distress book, you might be able to find it at the library....otherwise probably used on amazon.