Birthday party slumber party help please.

[aniT]

DD is going to be 11 here soon. She wants to have a slumber party for her birthday as she has for the last couple of years.

She is going to invite two girls from school, one of which is in her girl scout troop. She is going to invite two other girls who don't go to her school but are also in her girl scout troop. Her GS troop has 5 girls and she doesn't want to invite the 5th girl. In my opinion this is going to cause a lot of drama and hurt feelings. DH however doesn't think she has to invite someone to her birthday if she doesn't want to.

Some background, I had the whole troop over in the spring to stay the night. (lets call the 5th girl A.) While all the other girls were downstairs watching TV, A came upstairs and was messing around on DD's desk and other stuff in the playroom. When the other girls went up to the playroom to play, A went downstairs to watch TV. DH even came and asked me when A was watching TV by herself. She complained about the food we had and various other things. When her mom picked her up she was told to say thank you and she mumbled something about having a terrible time and got in the car. OK..

This summer we sent the whole troop to GS camp. I guess there was drama between A and my daughter. There were a few scuffles with the other girls but the main problem was with A. It was strongly suggested we don't send the girls as a whole to camp again. (break them up so they are doing different sessions.)

Also, when A had her birthday party in May she invited the whole troop to go to what Oregon thinks is an amusement park. (hehe... I grew up in Cali this is no amusement park!) Anyway... A told the girls they were her only friends so she was inviting them.

So I think if DD doens't invite A it will cause problems. However A has the potential to make her birthday party miserable by being moody and well sometimes she is downright mean. (A complained to me that DD was wearing lipstick one day.. I was like So?)

Thoughts? I may talk to the other troop leader about this too as one of the leaders is A's mom.

[LaLaLaLa]

If the last time the girl was at your house she told you upon leaving that she had a terrible time, I would not invite her again. She didn't like sleeping over. She didn't like hanging out with the other girls, so why would you make her come again? This is how I'd frame it to everyone, and coach your DD to do the same. If the girl acts hurt, or her mom confronts you, say matter-of-factly that you didn't want to put A in a position where she'd feel pressured to come to the party, when she was so unhappy the last time at your house. NOT that she was acting obnoxious or the girls didn't like her, but it was A herself who said she didn't have any fun. Why put a kid through that again?

I'd also really carefully coach DD not to talk about the party in front of A, and to try to get the other girls to keep it a secret, too. If A doesn't know about it, then it can't cause conflict.

Good luck; it's hard to navigate these years!

[SimonMom]

You're right, A might have hurt feelings, but that does not mean you dd has to invite her. It's her party, and it sounds like she doesn't get along well with A. I would've been really resentful if I had had to invite someone to a sleep over party who I knew would ruin it.

I think it's fine not to invite her, but I would talk to dd about not talking about the party in front of her. And honestly how often does the gs troop meet. If it's only once a week, she might not find out. It's not like she's in school with her all day.

[Adele_Mommy]

If A invited your dd to her birthday party I think your dd should invite A to hers. That's just how I was raised and that is what I expect from my dd. If your dd actually went to A's birthday party then absolutely she must invite A to hers. To not do so would be really rude in my opinion.

If A really had a bad time at the last slumber party then I would think she would decline this invitation. If A does come, then I think she should not be allowed to isolate herself. If all the girls go upstairs to play and A heads downstairs to watch TV, I think you or your dh should say, "All the girls are playing upstairs now, why don't you head up there too?" If she responds that she doesn't want to I would try to find out why.

Just my opinion.

[aniT]

I talked to the other GS leader about this and as it turns out she has the same problem. Her granddaughters birthday (she has custody and is one of the other girls in the troop) is on the 31st a week before DD's. She told DD she was inviting everyone but A to her party as well. Sigh. GS leader wants to have a sit down with the birthday girls and talk to them on Sat. We will see how that goes.

[StarChild]

just a note about "not mentioning" the party in front of A

When I was a kid, I had a similar situation. I didn't invite the girl who was always mean and I didn't get along with. I had asked others not to mention it when she was around and they agreed. One girl who was a little forgetful and spacey accidentally started spouting how excited she was about the sleepover the day before the party. The mean girl asked what she was talking about and it just got bad from there. She and her sisters called my house on the night of the party many times, prank calls, etc. They stole my bike and the anger continued for years (they lived in our neighborhood).
Hearing your story just brought back the memories and even thought the spacey girl didn't mean to cause trouble, it turned out much worse than I thought.
I would go with lalalala's suggestion and be straight forward about it.

[interested]

Is it possible that in this group, A is being picked on a bit and feels insecure or unliked and deals with it by separating herself from the others? It sounds like she isn't very good socially (I say this based on her interactions with you and her way of dealing - by isolating herself and being moody) but *wishes* she were and wants to be liked (based on attending the last party, and inviting this same group to hers). I'm not saying your daughter has anything to do with the way she is treated, but group dynamics are hard. If one or two of the other girls is responsible, and the others don't go out of their way to be protective/inclusive, A could feel like the entire pack is against her.

Frankly, I would be inclined to make sure DD invites her. I don't think that one girl out of six could ruin it for everyone, and I think that any *positive* experiences she has with any of the girls can only help. Excluding her only reinforces the main problem - her in this case crippling social insecurity.

[aniT]

A told DD the other day on facebook that she hopes she gets run over by a bus.

I do believe that A is socially awkward... but these other girls do do everything possible to include her. I think the bigger problem is A's mom forcing her to go to functions she doens't really wish to be at.

[interested]

Originally Posted by aniT

I think the bigger problem is A's mom forcing her to go to functions she doens't really wish to be at.

If that's the case, that's really sad. However, I think I would worry that if so, if her mom feels so strongly about her daughter's social success, formally excluding A from functions would result in her mom pressuring her even more - and making her feel worse.

[Shenjall]

Its your dd's party - if she doesnt want A there, she doesnt want her there.
Personally the "run over by a bus" comment would be the deal breaker for me.

[mtiger]

11 is well past the age when everyone should be invited. However, it would be proper for the girls to refrain from talking about it in front of the girl not invited - that's just hurtful.

Not long ago, I was driving a teammate of my daughter's home after a game. She spent the entire time in the car, on the phone, talking to another teammate about a third teammate's Sweet 16 party - to which my daughter was not invited. I was ready to stop the car and tell her she could walk home. To make it worse? The birthday girl is someone that we've known for years - they may not be best of friends, but they're friendly. And... she lives next door.

[bestjob]

I'm way older than 11. Sometimes one of my friends has a party and doesn't invite me. I don't ask why. That would be rude and I'd just end up with fewer invitations than ever. Sometimes I'm secretly relieved that I don't have to go to a particular party.

What would I do for a non-friend? I'd still try for a one on one movie night, or a time when she can be involved but not impact the crowd, either because the crowd is large or because the crowd is full of strong characters who can accommodate someone who marches to a different drummer.

Maybe she'd like to be invited to the party but not pressured into the sleepover. Maybe she'd like to be invited for the breakfast the morning after? Maybe she'd like a tea date with your after everyone goes home, just to get the news of the girls.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by LaLaLaLa

If the last time the girl was at your house she told you upon leaving that she had a terrible time, I would not invite her again. She didn't like sleeping over. She didn't like hanging out with the other girls, so why would you make her come again? This is how I'd frame it to everyone, and coach your DD to do the same. If the girl acts hurt, or her mom confronts you, say matter-of-factly that you didn't want to put A in a position where she'd feel pressured to come to the party, when she was so unhappy the last time at your house. NOT that she was acting obnoxious or the girls didn't like her, but it was A herself who said she didn't have any fun. Why put a kid through that again?

[buttercup784ever]

I would invite A, but before extending the invitation I would talk to A's mom about what happened at the last party. I would stress the 'no pressure' part, that if A doesn't want to go to the party, she shouldn't have to.

If A attends the party, I'd be VERY involved in the goings on. I mean, in the same room or listening from another room until bedtime. Obviously there is some dynamic that is not working within the group, and it's impossible for anyone to know exactly what's going on if there's no supervision. Like another poster said, I would not allow A to seperate from the group. If she didn't participate or grumbled about it, I'd send her home.

I think that talking to A's parents about the plan would really help though.

[zebra15]

Sorry but "A" doesn't get invited. If "A" is making conscious choices to be rude to your DD and possibly the other children invited to the party then she doesn't get to come imo. She may be socially awkward, she just may be rude and mean. Thats not yours or your DD's issue to fix. I would also not let my child go to the next party "A" has that she is invited to. JMHO.

It's your DD's party, its her day/night. She gets to pick who comes and who doesn't.

[buttercup784ever]

Originally Posted by zebra15

It's your DD's party, its her day/night. She gets to pick who comes and who doesn't.

This is an interesting concept to me. So on your child's birthday they are allowed to exclude anyone they want to even if it causes pain to others, or does that extend to every day of the year?

I only wonder because I know children that are very "cliquish" and would hurt the feelings of classmates and acquaintances if given free rein in such a situation with no qualms whatsoever. I often wonder what the parenting philosophy of their parents' are that they allow this type of behavior.

If there was such a huge problem with this girl that she is being excluded from social events, I think a talk with the other parent is in order to get A's side of the story. If this were a small get together with a few girls from school and a few from the troop, that's one thing. But to invite EVERY other girl and not A is cruel.

[zacharysmom]

the statment on FB about the bus would be the dral breaker for me and my family and i think it should be breought to the attention of her parents.your home should be the one place with out fail you feel safe and if it were me with her there i would not feel safe,

[SimonMom]

Originally Posted by buttercup784ever

This is an interesting concept to me. So on your child's birthday they are allowed to exclude anyone they want to even if it causes pain to others, or does that extend to every day of the year?

I only wonder because I know children that are very "cliquish" and would hurt the feelings of classmates and acquaintances if given free rein in such a situation with no qualms whatsoever. I often wonder what the parenting philosophy of their parents' are that they allow this type of behavior.

If there was such a huge problem with this girl that she is being excluded from social events, I think a talk with the other parent is in order to get A's side of the story. If this were a small get together with a few girls from school and a few from the troop, that's one thing. But to invite EVERY other girl and not A is cruel.

Are you kidding me? I don't really think it's excluding. The girl is having a party for her birthday an dshe wants to invite her friends. This other girl is not her friend. Yes, why at her birthday should she have an unhappy time. I cannot imagine forcing my child to invite someone to thier party they didn't like.

And obviously there are not "no qualms" since the op posted about this situation.