I cannot do this anymore...please, please help!

[mommy amber]

I don't know what else to do.
I am at the point where severe sleep deprivation is ruining everything.
it's ruining my relationships...I feel depressed and angry most of the time.

ds is 9 months old. I know he's teething right now and I know he's going through major developmental stuff (just started crawling and pulling up) but it has ALWAYS been something...I can literally count the number of decent nights sleep I've gotten (ie. wakes 3X or less and nurse easily back to sleep) in the past 9 months on my fingers.
our typical night...ds wakes AT LEAST on the hour from the moment I put him to bed (b/w 6 and 7 through about 1 or 2 a.m. at which point he wakes and is up for 1-2 HOURS and then, and only then, when he falls back to sleep in the neighborhood of 3 or 4 a.m., he will do a 3 hour stretch.

we co sleep. we nurse on demand through the night. we rock. we sway. we use sound (white noise). we've tried teething tablets. teething drops. homeopathic gas meds. gas drops. pacifiers. swings.
I don't believe in letting him cio, but honestly it would be better than the screaming I end up doing at 3 a.m.??? I don't think it would work anyway. the times when he has been tired and I am unable to help much (when in the car and once when I had to be away for a doctor's appt and dh had him) he cries until he vomits...he doesn't settle.

dh tries to help...he takes him but ds just ends up screaming bloody murder until he's back in my arms. we live on the second floor of a duplex AND dd (who, thank god, sleeps like a log) is in our room too so that's that.

I cannot nap with him during the day b/c dd is home with me and is dying for the attention she can finally get when ds naps...dh helps me get some extra sleep when he can but he is the sole brewad-winner and a grad student, so time is not in heavy supply.

I don't know what to do.
when it is 3 a.m. and I've been up for hours and the sleep before that was punctuated every hour by nursing and restlessness...I feel indifferent to my child. I don't like him (please, no flames...I am feeling just as awful about it as it sounds)...I want to be happy again. I don't want to scream at my baby b/c I am so tired and angry and frustrated. I don't want to scream at my 3.5yo the whole next day b/c I am tired and angry and frustrated. I don't want to fault my dh for everything under the sun b/c I am tired and angry and frustrated.

what am I missing? what is wrong????? this cannot be normal.
dd was not a stellar sleeper as a baby, but ds makes her look like a sleep champion...I know she grew out of it and so logic holds, so will ds but that's just not enough for me right now. I need solutions b/c I CANNOT do this anymore.

fyi. just picked up some of bach's sleep remedy...anyone have success with this with infants??

please, please, help.

[Louisep]

I could have written your post myself today and our babies are the same age.

Can you tell us more about your daily routine with him? Nap times, bedtimes, what you do each day etc etc? Did you say whether you have looked into food intolerances? Is he an active baby? High needs during the day?

I so feel for you. I cannot imagine having to look after another child at the same time. No flames from me - I felt the same way this morning.

[littlehoneybee]

Do you have a place where he can sleep on his own like a crib or pac n play? Maybe he's one of those babies that wakes up more if he senses you right next to him.

DD (12 mos) refuses to cosleep anymore. She's much happier in her crib. She's still up every two to three hours, but at least I can stretch out now and be totally comfortable in bed.

I haven't had a decent night's sleep in six years so I understand how debilitating it is. Hugs.

[seashells]

I have been there, I promise you I have. And it didn't end until DD was 3, and even then was because we took action. It had a serious effect on my body and mental state.

We finally nightweaned her. I did not think it could possibly happen, but it did - though I have no idea how much earlier we could have done it (DD was 3 at the time). We did it by transitioning her to DH's care at night. There were either 2 or 3 unsettled nights, though neither was as unsettled as we feared - and then after that it was all done. There was no CIO involved; DH cared for DD in every way and did not just let her cry. He offered and gave her food, cow milk and/or water as she wanted. He held her. He lay down next to her. We also explained to her that she could go back to me again when the sun came up. I slept in the other room with the door shut so DD did not see me (no way would she have settled for DH if I was in the room).

Now I realize you're talking about a 9 month old, and that's different from a 3 year old. But maybe worth considering moving to another room or on the sofa and have DH take over nighttime parenting, if you are so sleep deprived. DS should still have access to nourishment, can you pump? Well, anyway, it's a consideration. I sure never thought it would work for me (which I say just for your information, not as a statement to say you should do it; your situation is certainly different - just saying it's something to consider).

[mommy amber]

Did you say whether you have looked into food intolerances?

he is intolerant to dairy, corn and chocolate...and I do my best to avoid them in my own and his diet.

Do you have a place where he can sleep on his own like a crib or pac n play? Maybe he's one of those babies that wakes up more if he senses you right next to him.

I have tried a pack and play with me laying beside on a couch a few times and he screamed until I thought he might be sick...

dd finally sttn when we night-weaned her at about 2 (b/c I was pg and needed more sleep)...but I think 9m is too early, no?? I suppose I could try pumping and letting dh do a bottle. we did this when he was smaller for the first couple months to get me more sleep. dh would have a bottle to give him when he woke and then would put him in the swing to go back to sleep. he stpped tolerating the bottle and now we haven't tried ina long time...it's worth a try I suppose. often he won't even nurse at night to go back to sleep...

[mommy amber]

Can you tell us more about your daily routine with him? Nap times, bedtimes, what you do each day etc etc? Did you say whether you have looked into food intolerances? Is he an active baby? High needs during the day?

sorry...read more closely and see there's more responding to do...
we spend a lot of time outdoors during the day. I suppose we are out and about quite a bit but I do my best to make sure we are home for his naps...which are sporadic, unpredictable and often fairly short.
to be fair...there is a lot going on right now. we just moved, and it was a big last minute move, so the past 2 months have been a bit crazy...but this has been an on-going issue with ds since b/f the move was even in question.

he is not so much "high-needs"...dd is VERY spirited and high-needs, so I know what that looks like. he IS a fairly sensitive little guy. he's generally a happy baby IF he's well-rested. when teeth or gas are a problem, he is VERY bothered...I feel like he FEELS everything MORE than normal, if that makes any sense?
overall, he's pleasant to be around during the day...the kind of baby people stop to coo over b/c he's generally got a big smile and SEEMS laid-back. but nighttime falls...and it's like jekyll and hyde...

[simcon]

Big hugs to you, mama! I also have a not-sleeping 9 month old, and am suffering with sleep deprivation. And I also have an older dd (now 6), who only slept well after nightweaning at 20 months (the earliest I felt I could explain to her that she could nurse again in the morning), but sleeps like a rock now (thank goodness!).

Here are some thoughts/suggestions/advice:

1. At least every other night, have your partner take a turn for a big, 6-hour shift, like 2-8 a.m. This should not be your burden to bear alone, no matter what his work/financial responsibilities are.

2. Be vigilant about the food intolerances--cut out the problematic foods completely if you can.

3. Try tylenol/motrin for teething. If the issue is pain, sometimes homeopathic teething tablets just don't cut it.

4. More access to food/water/nursing during the day? One night at 3 a.m. I fed my little guy half a banana, and he slept a couple of hours after that--I guess he was hungry...

Good luck--I will be thinking of you at 2, 3, 4 , and 5 a.m. tonight!

[Funny Face]

I can offer no advice. I know what it's like to feel suicidal in the middle of the night and to have a violent tantrum against the floor and bed... anything to keep me from shaking the baby and yelling at him. No flames for you here.

Ds is 10 months old and I see so many posts around this age... I think because most of us hoped that they would get better over time and we are losing that hope and are just at the end of our rope.

When I see someone who posts that their 20 month old still doesn't sleep through the night I feel panicked and think "There is no way I will survive if I have to keep going like this."

While I'm no help, I do understand. We tried the Bachs and it didn't work for us, go figure.

Oh and if dh offers one more time to bring home some Gripe Water I'll absolutely lose it!

[Louisep]

Do you think there are other food intolerances and how vigilant are you? I tried an elimination diet in the hope it might work, it didn't, but it made me realize how hard it is to avoid certain foods. Can you try doing a strict diet for a couple of weeks to see if his sleep improves?

Based on another post (nudhistbudhist) I'm trying to make the rhythm of our day calm. I used to always be on the go and I'm wondering if it makes DS too unsettled. We're on day 2 of a calmer rhythm and didn't see any improvement last night. Fingers crossed for tonight.

Other than that, I would just say come up with some coping strategies. After a lot tension between DH and I, we've finally come up with a way to give me more rest (he takes DS every morning for 1-2 hours).

[mellydis]

I just wanted to say that your posts are almost making me cry as I am in the exact same situation. exact.

I'm at a loss too and seriously, I think that all we can do is solicit the help of those around us and buckle ourselves to the mast.

I feel like the worst mother in the world sometimes for my loss of temper and the anger I feel to my 9 month old when he's howling in my arms all night. I cry. I feel lost. I panic.

Please don't feel alone and don't give up. If there are this many of us in the same boat, it has to be normal and survivable.

Lots of love.

[FleurMS]

I recommend Elizabeth Pantley's book The No Cry Sleep Solution. She has many ideas for gently getting babies and toddlers to go longer stretches at night, so mums and dads aren't so sleep deprived.

You can read about it on her website - I think the site may have a few tips from the book as well. Our local library had both books, and they were also easy to get at our local bookstores, or on Amazon etc.

http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/books/index.html

[mlh]

I am sending you some big hugs!! This time is so hard for you right now, and I can't say that I know what you are dealing with. what I do know is that I have talked with other mamas who have dealt with similar situations. And...it does get better! What I use with the kids when they are upset is Valerian Root, Chamomile, or any calming homeopathic.

You are so strong mama....hang in there and keep asking for help!

[LeoneLover13]

I recommend all the Mama's in here who relate, plus you mommyamber, to join the Breaking Point Mama's thread in here.

There are MANY of us in the same boat and I think mellydis said it best, that we are all just having to buckle down and get through it together. IT WILL PASS, but it will be hell before you get there.

I have a 1y/o DD who is currently teething and waking every 30-60 mins for the past 3 days..I have become used to it at this point. It is a cycle for us, she teeths like mad for a week or so and I become a Mombie (zombie-mom) and then it lightens up and she sleeps 3 hour stretches for a week or so and wash and repeat.

Good luck and all I can suggest is to sleep whenever/whereever you can, have DH take DD whenever he can so you can rest. Big hugs.

[mommy amber]

so maybe this is taking a turn and better to post somewhere else? I did some other searches and found good stuff....
but
about tylenol/motrin.
last night I broke down and gave him some b/f bed...the few good nights we've had over the past 6 months have been thanks to tylenol...and since in itself, it's not going to make him sleep...when he does I know he's been in a lot of pain...
that being said, I feel REALLY uncomfortable with the amount of tylenol/motrin he's had in the course of his short life...but in stretches like the one we've had the past 2 weeks...I get to the point where I don't know what else to do.
but, it's NOT a solution. I cannot give him tylenol every night!
he's been "teething" for 6 months and there are probably another 6 to go at least...his teeth seem to take soooo long to pop through
I'm sure that's what the night issue is right now.
it will likely be something else when this passes

I'll take another look at no cry sleep solution.
I picked up a copy when ds was newborn and glanced through it and (unfairly probably) determined it wouldn't work for us b/c it seemed like we would have to be "home" all the time...and b/c I have an older pre-schooler who likes to be out and about (as do I)...yesterday the only place I felt sane was outside...I relegated to the back of the bookshelf. I'll take another look though b/c with winter and snow coming maybe it'll be more do-able.

we got a good 5 hour stretch at the beginning of the night last night (I went to bed at 7 with him) but we were up for 3.5 hours then in the wee hours this morn...I'm assuming b/c the tylenol wore off. so I ended up with about 7 hours all being said last night...which is a dream compared the the days preceding it.

thanks for the hugs and support and ideas everyone...it's good just to know I'm not a monster and that others are going through it...it can be hard to feel like things are going to be okay...

[WG88]

I did on demand night feedings myself; and my child did the SAME thing. He would fall asleep wake up and be up for a while, and if he got upset well... there was no calming down. I see that you want to remain exclusively breast-feeding or at least that is what I am assuming. Maybe he isnt getting enough to drink I use to think that my son was getting plent until I realized maybe that wasnt the case. I dont know if your child is interested in the bottle at all but mine never was. He never even took a pacifier OR bottle. So I would drink water until I thought I was going to burst; (which kept me up nightly anyway) and I would breastfeed until I could visibly see a stomach was full. And it ended up getting ALOT better he slept longer. I think it was because he wasnt getting enough to eat. And once a child is upset he doesnt usually remember why he started crying in the first place. maybe give him a bottle of formula instead of breast. or pump and see how much you are physically giving him or her. and then just breastfeed throughout the day.

[ssh]

Have you tried a later bed time? With your DS's total nightly sleep time, he's getting 9 or 10 hours a night. So have you adjusted his going to sleep time so he'll have about 9 or 10 hours before his waking time? His bedtime now puts him in bed 11 to 13 hours. My DD's body always treated going to sleep like a nap if she fell asleep before 9. She would either be up in 2 or 3 hours wide awake and ready to play. With the developmental stuff, we had major sleep problems right before cruising. Then as she got more active, cruising all over the house all day long, she slept much sounder.

We never limited nursing. Except for getting in her canines and molars, the night waking was soooo much less after cruising and then walking. And my DD started sleeping for 10 to 12 hours straight most nights after her molars came in at about 2.5. We're dealing with her weaning herself now at almost 4, so she rolls around in bed for 20 minutes to put herself to sleep. I miss the ease of nursing her to sleep.

[NiteNicole]

Have you read Sleepless in America? I put it off because it's not really a sleep solution book but it finally made me GET IT. Some kids can roll with the day, go with the flow, and still get enough rest and some kids need more. More structure, more predictability, the right stimulation at the right time. It made a HUGE difference for us. I wish I had read it two years earlier.

My daughter had reflux and was a puker and she had some other health issues so for the first five - six months of her life, we spent most week days in a car on the way to/from appts or waiting to see a doctor. That is no way to try to respond to any baby's needs. I was so exhausted from the bad sleep, I just gave up on trying and thought - ok, she'll sleep when she sleeps OR she's not going to sleep, so I might as well go out/watch tv/etc.

This went on for about 2.5 years.

Sleepless in America gave me so many ideas on how to manage her day to set her up for a good night. I never really had to figure out how to manage night wakings because they stopped happening. Don't get me wrong - part of her bedtime is she gets rocked to sleep (about five - ten minutes) and she usually wakes once and gets in our bed, but I'll take that over three hours of screaming at bedtime and fifteen night wakings ANY NIGHT OF THE WEEK.

[Deir]

I am one who will not tell you that you need to wait until 2 to night wean. I also don't think it needs to be all or nothing. If dh takes over from say 12-4 and you nurse him before and after that block, you are not hurting your baby. Hang in there moms!!

[sunfish21]

I am so sorry...I understand the exhaustion. It was unlike anything that I had ever experienced. My dd was like this...until about 15 months. I never thought it could change, but it did. I cried about it at every LLL meeting I went to for maybe ten months straight.

My dd did start sleeping better in her crib, which broke my heart as I was adamant on bedsharing. We tried lots of things... The only other thing I would suggest is (if you don't) see a chiropractor that has experience with little ones. It is amazing the things that can be helped.

Good luck to you. At 19 months dd is waking once or twice, asking for a quick nip (I end it at one minute!) and rolling over next to me to go back to sleep. Things can and will change...hope it is soon for you!

[mama k nj]

I know just how you feel. I decided that screaming at my baby and turning into a crazy person is not an option. So I need to find a way to make things work so that I didn't really loose it.

With DS1, the book No Cry Sleep Solution helped a lot. Just gave me some gentle ideas to try. We did figure out that both him and I are very light sleepers. So while cosleeping in our queen worked well for the first 6 months, once he was moving around a lot he needed his own space. I also realized that setting boundries and changing what wasnt' working didnt' mean we had to CIO.
(I thought those were my only two options 1) CIO or 2) grin and bear it indefinately.)

Here's what worked for us: We put him to bed in his own room using suggestions from NCSS. I came in and did a "dream feed" at 11pm right before I went to bed. Then he came in bed with us later that night when he woke up to nurse again. Ultimately we wound up cutting back on the nighttime feedings (so I guess you could call that a partial nighttime weaning?) using a method similar to Dr Jay Gordon's method though I didn't know about that "method" at the time. We just made it up as we went along. LOL
Eventually we got it to a point where we were part-time cosleeping and on a somewhat schedule for feedings at night, but he was about 1yo when we got to that point. I felt that we did the best we could to respect and nurture DS's nighttime needs during the process.
Also making his bedtime earlier and getting in predictable naps made a world of good. It was hard to stick to it, but it was really helpful. (Again suggestions from NCSS)

It was a very gradual process, but I don't find there are many "quick fixes" in parenting.

Hang in there mama! It will get better one way or another!