"I feel like I'm not a good girl"

[PapayaMom]

DD, 5, has been recently saying this whenever there is an issue with her feeling corrected or wrong. This morning She asked if she could make her lunch i told her I had done so last night and she said "FINE I'm going to make my lunch tomorrow" and stomped off. I spoke to her and said it wasn't ok to talk to me like that, and what would be a nicer way of asking. She cried and screamed and said she doesn't feel good any more. Now I was very calm and gentle we have had discussions similar to this many many times in the past with good outcomes.

I never use the "be a good girl" language around her. Part of me feels that she is using this to deflect being spoken to as she is a perfectionist and gets very frustrated when she doesn't do things right. I think some of the language may be coming from school as well.

I have tried to be extra gentle with her as she went through a whole lot of transitions all at once, preschool which she adored ended, we moved in with my parents we moved into our new house 8 weeks later, she started kindergarten. She is an anxious child and we have started play therapy as a way to help her deal with some of the anxiety and perfectionism. But I am still at a loss of what to say to her or how to help.

[ssh]

I use 'good' to mean intrinsic value, so my DD is always good. You mentioned perfectionism, your DDs remark could be related to her perfectionism. You could discourage harsh self judgment by telling her that she's always good just like being happy is always good or having enough food is good. Tell her that's it's ok to feel disappointed in herself but she's still a good person. That what she does has to do with choices and she isn't her choices. Everybody makes good and bad choices, it's not who they are.

If the labeling is coming from school, you can talk about how some people label others and why it's not fair.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

I have the same issue. When we started the headstart program DS5 strated coming home saying that he was a bad boy. He was having some issues there was being told to "stop being a bad boy".

I've since pulled him out, but I had to let him know that he wasn't a bad boy, it was just that the way he was behaving was against the rules.

I don't enjoy labeling kids "good" or "bad". Surely, I agree that some of their behaviors are not desirable, but at this age they equate "bad" with evil (at least mine does) and he's very far from evil.

I, too, have an anxious child who ABHORS correction if it's not given in a general discussion so he acts out even more when publicly criticized...which is what was happening at his head start.

When he starts with the "Oh, I'm just bad. I can't do anything!"
I just gently tell him that there is nothing "bad" about him. That we're all always learning and it's all about practice. I tell him that even I still make mistakes.

It's just about recording and changing their mental "tape".
Cognative Behavioral Therapy is really what they're going through at this age...

[violet]

I wonder if there is something about this age? My ds if 5 and doing the same thing. He was getting very down on himself for making some poor choices and getting caught. The bad feelings and seeing himself as a "bad boy" led him to more bad choices. We are careful with our language and I don't know where he would have heard the term "bad boy" but I think he was feeling like he was his bad choices, whether or not anybody had said those word to him. This is a tough concept for little ones to really grasp. Heck, I know some adults who could use some clarity.

So we had the noodle talk.

I told him he was good, always good, he was like a great big bowl of noodles (his favorite food). And that sometimes he made bad choices and that was like something green getting into his bowl (the absolute worst thing that could happen to his yummy noodles). He could choose to not have anything green in his day. He could choose to make amends and get the green bit out. But even if something green got into his noodles that didn't change who he was, a great big bowl of delicious, wonderful, noodles. All he had to work on was the green bits, not the who of who he is.

As I write this I must admit it sounds lame. But he really got it. He was able to separate in his mind himself from his choices in actions. And he doesn't call himself bad. Sometimes we will have noodle talks about the day, going over all the fun and wonderful things and pointing out a couple green bit moments and how he corrected them. I think it's empowering.

I know someone could have issue with the calling bad behavior "green" and yes, this does align with his general dislike for vegetables. But for me this was a larger issue. And he does eat green stuff. Just not in his precious noodles.

[PapayaMom]

Thank you for the responses. I did talk with her yesterday during a quiet moment and she seemed to get it. We'll see how this progresses

violet i do like your noodle talk that was great and a great way to illustrate.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Originally Posted by violet

As I write this I must admit it sounds lame. But he really got it.

Hmm, that's not lame at all...especially since it works for him.

Sounds like a good way to make it more concrete.