Only child 4yo DD wants 100% attention, all the time

[seashells]

And I get frustrated with her.

I guess it's hard because DH and I like to talk to each other, and of course she's 4 years old and not on our level of conversation. But I find it frustrating that she just outright demands all the attention, and will cry and scream if we try to talk to each other at all. If she lets us talk to each other, then we will naturally sometimes place our attention onto her as well. Like, we might naturally discuss things that have to do with her, like activities we have planned for tomorrow. Or asking her about how preschool went that day. Or whatever. But the opportunity to do that is rare, since she will usually struggle to be the sole focus of our attention.

She does get that kind of time too, where we just play with her. But my goodness, I don't EVER remember my parents doing this for me. I was on my own for play (I was an only child too). I don't recall even wishing they would play with me. I think our mistake was playing with her in the first place, thus teaching her that this is part of our role. And now she expects it all the time. Yes, we try to get her with other kids, but at the end of the day she's going to have to learn to play by herself too. DH and I don't have the slightest memory of our parents playing with us other than maybe the rare board game when we were older. NEVER did my mother or father get down on the floor with me and play dolls or legos. NEVER did DH's parents play with his Star Wars toys. I don't know how to take back this major mistake we made. I wish she would just appreciate the play that we do with her and not demand it all the time.

I would say she gets minimum 1 hour and as much as 2 full hours of parental play a day, that's an insane amount. But it's never enough, she just demands more. She is basically like the Nirvana song says, here I am now entertain me. I am not only frustrated for myself but worried sick that she'll grow up not having the ability to entertain herself, that she will always be sucking the life out of other people and unhappy if someone isn't feeding her a constant stream of attention.

I think we must have spoiled her

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Our DD is 4, and also wants our attention all the time.

I don't know that how your parents raised you has anything to do with how you want to raise your daughter. It sounds like you are frustrated and looking for reasons why she shouldn't be this way, or you shouldn't have allowed her to become this way.

I agree its enormously frustrating. I know what its like to not be able to have a conversation with DH until DD is asleep. And to feel like you don't have a moment to yourself. And to get angry at the unending demands.

But her need for interaction with other people is real. Most children seek out interaction with others - they're supposed to, it how they learn. Its the ones that don't seek out that interaction with others that you might worry about. Our DD seems to be more extroverted than we are, and she wants someone to play with all the time. Occasionally she will play by herself, but that lasts for less than five minutes. Playing with others is more fun and of course she is going to seek that out.

Your DD, and mine, are doing what they are supposed to be doing. There's nothing wrong with them or with our parenting styles. We haven't spoiled them. We've been willing to meet their needs, which is a good thing.

I don't know what the answer is, but I suspect its more about allowing them to still meet their needs for that high degree of interaction with others without it always having to be you that meets that need. I enrolled DD in preschool and gymnastics to get a break. She loves both and she gets exposure to people other than mama and papa, which is also good for her. I also try to schedule playdates for her.

I think it will get much easier when she gets older and can play independently with friends over here or going over to friend's houses. I can also see it getting so much easier if she goes to school next year or so (although we really want to homeschool). I did have a mother's helper for a while (someone to play with DD while I did cleaning and stuff).

You can trust the child to show you what they need to be learning. She's showing you interaction with others is a priority, developmentally, for her right now. The answer is to find other ways of meeting that need that don't wear you out so much, not to try to change that need. She'll come into independent play when its developmentally time for that.

[seashells]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I don't know that how your parents raised you has anything to do with how you want to raise your daughter. It sounds like you are frustrated and looking for reasons why she shouldn't be this way, or you shouldn't have allowed her to become this way.

Well, yeah. I brought it up because I don't think it's normal for kids to demand their parents play on their level. I am definitely frustrated, yeah.

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

But her need for interaction with other people is real. Most children seek out interaction with others - they're supposed to, it how they learn. Its the ones that don't seek out that interaction with others that you might worry about. Our DD seems to be more extroverted than we are, and she wants someone to play with all the time. Occasionally she will play by herself, but that lasts for less than five minutes. Playing with others is more fun and of course she is going to seek that out.

I want to interact with her, am happy to do that. But I want to 1) interact as a family, not strictly parents-on-child all the time. I want a flow where we'll be together and sometimes we'll all be paying attention to her, but also where sometimes everyone's listening to me or DH. Even if that flow is weighted toward DD, that's better than the 100% all the time. and 2) I don't want to have to "play" on her level very much. I want to interact with her like a parent and a child, not a child and a child. I'm not a child, I am bored with making toys talk. I want to enable her play (set up paints for her) or do activities together (bake pies, clean, whatever). I am also perfectly fine solving problems or doing tasks (like if she's having trouble dressing her doll, I have NO PROBLEM dressing the doll. But I don't want to pretend I AM the doll.). I don't consider playing like a child to be appropriate interaction, or at least the sole interaction of a parent. Interaction I'm good with, play, not so much.

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Your DD, and mine, are doing what they are supposed to be doing. There's nothing wrong with them or with our parenting styles. We haven't spoiled them. We've been willing to meet their needs, which is a good thing.

I just worry that she won't be able to meet her own needs, ever. Growing up, I was always able to entertain myself. Sure, I had friends, and it was nice to play with others. But I did not need my parents to imagine for me. I don't think it's good at all that DD does. I know someone (an adult in her 60s) who simply cannot be alone, she requires the constant input of others. It's great to be extroverted, but it seems to drive her crazy to be alone, and I don't see how that's a good thing. It's good to be extroverted and seek out others, but not to depend on others 100% of the time.

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I don't know what the answer is, but I suspect its more about allowing them to still meet their needs for that high degree of interaction with others without it always having to be you that meets that need. I enrolled DD in preschool and gymnastics to get a break. She loves both and she gets exposure to people other than mama and papa, which is also good for her. I also try to schedule playdates for her.

Yeah, I enrolled her in preschool for the same reason. I had no other need for preschool. I just wanted her to have a daily dose of other children. Of course she has interaction with kids outside of school, but it can't be counted upon every day like preschool can. But when a playdate is over, she immediately wants to ... yeah, play with US. Her cup is never filled.

DH and I actually would prefer to homeschool, but while I think "socialization" is not a problem in most cases like everyone seems to think it is - I think it will be a problem for us. So I think we're stuck with public school.

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I think it will get much easier when she gets older and can play independently with friends over here or going over to friend's houses. I can also see it getting so much easier if she goes to school next year or so (although we really want to homeschool). I did have a mother's helper for a while (someone to play with DD while I did cleaning and stuff).

I am also hoping that her being able to read will help too, so she can read books on her own or do activities that require reading skills (word puzzles, whatever).

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

You can trust the child to show you what they need to be learning. She's showing you interaction with others is a priority, developmentally, for her right now. The answer is to find other ways of meeting that need that don't wear you out so much, not to try to change that need. She'll come into independent play when its developmentally time for that.

I just wish I could provide her with more playmates. It's hard. She likes neighbor kids but the parents are really weird about planning get-togethers, so we can only get together spontaneously if everyone is out in the yard. (And now it's winter). Other kids we meet at the park, but they aren't always there. And worst of all, she is adult-oriented. On the playground at school, she hangs around her teachers, not the other kids. So do I think we made a mistake? Yes. She should not be adult-oriented, she should be playing with other kids. I never thought there was anything wrong with being an only child (I felt perfectly fine about it myself) but maybe there really is something to the criticism

[BellinghamCrunchie]

There is only one solution. You must move next door. Then our children can play, play, play, and we will discover the joys of lattes. And think about our homeschool curriculum together!

[seashells]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

There is only one solution. You must move next door. Then our children can play, play, play, and we will discover the joys of lattes. And think about our homeschool curriculum together!

You have. NO IDEA. How great that would be.

Honestly, I think the universe is teasing me with our neighbors. They are nice, and crunchy, interesting, everything. They are very nice to us when we're together. But they just don't want to be friends.

I swear I would take her kids an hour a day and let her cook, read, have a bath - just for the relief of having DD engaged with someone else for a change.

Yes, let's homeschool together. I will bake pies for your family.

Maybe the point of this whole thing is that we do need more connectiveness in our lives.

[seashells]

PS: DD is now at the park with a friend (DH took her). YAY!

[3*is*magic]

Perhaps she needs some toys that can be designated kid-only, no adults allowed? My kids really like Bendaroos, Connectagons, Moon Sand, Perler Beads (I will iron their creations when they are done, but I won't *make* things with them) and art supplies from www.barebooks.com, but they know that these are things I am *not* doing with them, and I have never set the precedent that I will. I do lots of other things with them, but these are independent activities.

Maybe a good way to foster independent play would be to let her choose a few new things under the agreement that they are "alone" toys and see if she can play with them on her own for increasingly longer periods of time - 20 minutes, 25, 30 minutes. Books on tape might help her to pass the time and create a clear start and end time for independent play.

Good luck. I understand your frustration, and agree that kids do need to learn to entertain themselves independently because it's a good life skill. For an only child who has grown used to a different status quo it will probably involve baby steps, so be patient .

[seashells]

Thank you, very good ideas!

[madskye]

I was thinking new toys, too. DD is just getting into Polly Pockets and will play with them, indepently, for an hour or so.

She is also 4, and an only! And she occasionally gets irate when we talk to each other, she too, has an endless well for playmates--on Weds we went to gymnastics, brought a pizza over to a friends house, came home at 2 and saw the neighbors in their yard, played with them til 4:30 and then STILL WANTED another playdate. I guess that's the fun when you're four. That's when I put on Superwhy and don't feel a bit guilty about it--that's a big day of playing and stimulation!

I do play a bit, but not usually for extended periods. The other day we dressed all the dolls, packed a picnic, and drove the imaginary car to the rug in our living room (the park) for a good day out. Then we drove home and put them all down in bed for a nap. That was about 20 minutes. She also likes games now--we have a great Charades for Kids game that is really, really fun for both of us, actually.

Alot of the time, I find if I just play with her for five minutes, she'll get into it and then I can exit. It works best if I leave to actually do something, like dinner or the laundry. I think she can understand that. I always tell her she can come help me if she wants, and usually she chooses to keep playing.

How is her imagination? Do you tell her stories (not read, just make them up) and encourage her to tell you stories? I think being able to make up/tell stories has really helped DD play alone. She is big on using her imagination. She enjoys being told simple stories (the kitten who got lost at the park and then found their mommy) and now she's starting to tell more elaborate stories. Does she know that you don't have to read stories, and that she can make them up too?

I don't think you've done anything wrong--I just think you need some new tricks in your bag to distract her.

[EnviroBecca]

I can totally relate!! (Hey, I live in a rowhouse in the middle of a row of 3, and our neighbors on both ends are nothing special; maybe Seashells can move in on one side of me and Bellingham Crunchie on the other! EnviroKid likes to play with girls...)

I don't see anything wrong with parents playing with kids (my parents did, occasionally) but the demands that we play with him ALL THE TIME and never have uninterrupted conversation are really annoying! And in our family, both parents have jobs and are constantly struggling to find time for the housework, so we just can't spare the time for a whole lot of playing.

I too get frustrated when I compare my child's behavior to the way I was at his age. But I think a big reason I did so much playing alone was that it was expected of me and I was a more compliant personality than he is; I recall trying to have imaginary friends (never quite worked) so I'd feel less lonely. I also remember feeling sad that Mama did not have time to play with me because she was busy with my baby brother; until my brother was about 3 years old, I saw him as nothing but an obstacle between my parents and me (and a source of drool and ruination ), and even after that we didn't always want to play the same things...so I can't take seriously some people's suggestions that "giving him a sibling" is the way to get my kid to be less demanding.

Just about the only reliable way we've found to occupy EnviroKid alone is to let him watch TV. We recently had to put some limits on TV because he was binging all the time and it was affecting his behavior, and the only way to make those limits stick has been to interact with him more. So we're trying to focus on the specific behaviors we don't like (interrupting, rude tone of voice, demanding, etc.) rather than just, you know, say, "I'm sick of you; I don't want to play your dumb games; go away."

Recently I'm having some success with telling him that I MUST do a chore now but he could bring his activity into the room where I'll be. He really seems to need to be near me still, but he's getting better at doing his thing and letting me do mine. For example, while I'm washing the dishes he can set up his trains on the kitchen floor, as long as they aren't too near my feet and he's willing to put them away (I have to help) afterward. I'm willing to talk WITH him or hear narration of his play, but I won't tell him a story or turn around to "Look, Mama!" every few seconds. He seems to be catching on.

[seashells]

Originally Posted by madskye

How is her imagination? Do you tell her stories (not read, just make them up) and encourage her to tell you stories? I think being able to make up/tell stories has really helped DD play alone. She is big on using her imagination. She enjoys being told simple stories (the kitten who got lost at the park and then found their mommy) and now she's starting to tell more elaborate stories. Does she know that you don't have to read stories, and that she can make them up too?

Her imagination is lousy, imho. But I guess mine is too - worse, even. I always blamed the TV since her "imagination" (such as it is) is basically acting out The Little Mermaid or The Lion King over and over, with few if any of her own twists. But I watched little TV as a kid myself.

Part of the issue is just me, really. This kind of play never came naturally to me. My own memory was independently corraborated by my mother's; I never played with dolls or any role playing or acting out scenes or whatever. I was a nerd. I liked to build legos. I liked to read. I liked academics (I was happy with a single sheet of graph paper and a pen). Outside I liked to pretend I was an Indian on the prairie and made "spears" and stuff. If someone gave me a doll, I undressed it because that was the only thing I could figure out to "do" with it - pretending the doll was a person just never really entered my brain. So "I" am handicapped in this way.

I love to read DD books and sometimes she pressures me to make up stories but I'm very, very bad at it. The only way that it works is like of like a Mad Lib thing, I'll say something and have her fill in the blanks. "Once upon a time there was a bear and a ... " "lion!" "And the bear and the lion lived in a ..." "big house in the forest!" "And one day, they decided they wanted to..." "go fishing!" etc. They don't really even turn out to have much plot but at least it's interactive.

Ah.. gotta go. I'll post more later.

[madskye]

Mad lib type storytelling is great. My stories are really basic. "There was a little black kitten in the park and he wandered in to the bushes and got lost." Then what happened? Not much usually, but she still likes the stories. But I was surprized when she started telling me stories--and some of them are pretty good.

I know you're already feeling stressed about spending too much time one on one, but maybe making some of your time relaxing--we usually tell stories at night, in her bed, with the lights down low. You can just snuggle and tell each other stories and relax.

[theatermom]

First off, hugs. It can be frustrating. The thing is, I don't think it's anything you've done, or anything wrong with your daughter. It's a matter of personality, really. Some children (my gifted oldest among them) are adult oriented by nature, and add to this being an extrovert, and you have a mix that can frustrate any introverted parent. I like the description of extrovert/introvert that Mary Sheedy uses in The Spirited Child. She describes E/I as different ways of getting our energy recharged: Introverts need to recharge after spending a lot of time with others, and extroverts need to recharge after spending time alone. My oldest *needs* time with others. He has never really role-played with figurines (my 2nd and especially my 3rd sons do), but has always been much more interested in our conversations and interacting with us. FWIW, he has a wonderful imagination, he just expresses it in other ways. At the age of 9, he also plays and interacts happily with children and adults of all ages.

So, I wouldn't spend a lot of time trying to figure out what you've done wrong, or what's wrong with your daughter, but rather start trying to outline some basic courtesies (about interrupting, what kinds of games are played, what kinds of conversations, etc), and making sure that you all have time to recharge each day in your own way. I would also suggest getting some new games that will be fun for all of you to play. Changing the type of things you do together will go a long way towards relieving some of your frustration.

And I definitely recommend finding someone who wants to have their child come over and play on a fairly regular basis.

[rzberrymom]

Originally Posted by seashells

But I find it frustrating that she just outright demands all the attention, and will cry and scream if we try to talk to each other at all.

I think it's an age thing--my DD will be 5 in February, and she's just now coming out of this phase of demanding that DH and I don't talk to each other. We always let her know to tell us if she'd like a turn when we're done talking, and that hasn't worked very well until just recently. I'd give her time.

I definitely don't think it's because your DD is spoiled.

[rzberrymom]

Originally Posted by seashells

And worst of all, she is adult-oriented. On the playground at school, she hangs around her teachers, not the other kids. So do I think we made a mistake? Yes. She should not be adult-oriented, she should be playing with other kids.

Oh, I definitely don't see this as a bad thing! My kiddo is incredibly adult-oriented, and I consider it a blessing! We visit our neighbors who are child-less (or who have grown children), we make excuses to head to their houses ("we wanted to bring the dog a bone"), and sometimes she even has a "playdate" with an older neighbor. We make trips to shops just so she can interact with adults, and I've thought about volunteering at the senior center near us so she can get that adult contact she craves.

Of course, she also has little friends her own age. But, overall, I'd say she models the behavior of these adults as much as she does her little friends--which means I can count on her, she looks after those who are younger or who need help, she's got a maturity that is wonderful to watch. I really think that's come from having time with adults instead of just preschoolers.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

Recently I'm having some success with telling him that I MUST do a chore now but he could bring his activity into the room where I'll be. He really seems to need to be near me still, but he's getting better at doing his thing and letting me do mine. For example, while I'm washing the dishes he can set up his trains on the kitchen floor, as long as they aren't too near my feet and he's willing to put them away (I have to help) afterward. I'm willing to talk WITH him or hear narration of his play, but I won't tell him a story or turn around to "Look, Mama!" every few seconds. He seems to be catching on.

As for the child who would rather play with adults, this is fine, but this child also needs to learn social skills and communication skills with children her own age. Giving her opportunities to practice that is important.

Just my two cents. My dd1 did what your daughter did and I thought I was going to go batty . In the end we had to "ignore" her when she was having one of her loud tantrums, dh and I got really close and ignored the behaviour, talking to each other face to face, showing her that no matter how she reacts, we are just going to do it. It was a great relief, actually, to be able to do so. And now it has shifted so it's not an issue anymore.