or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › I am furious... what would you have done? UPDATE IN OP
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

I am furious... what would you have done? UPDATE IN OP - Page 7

post #121 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
A great non-violent way to prevent it is to pick up the baby.
I agree and that would be my first instinct, but not his. Sometimes the situation (a toddler with a track record of violence running at your baby) does not allow you to go over all your options and choose the nicest one. Sometimes you just react.
post #122 of 235
I'm scratching my head on this one. I have a 2 year old DS, and are working through this same stage, which is always worse when he is tired. In my circle of friends, we all help each other out, especially if one mom is out of the room. If the host mom is being the host, why shouldn't the other moms help out? No the child's behavior was not right, and he should have been with his mom if he was hitting, and the object should have been removed the first time.

The dad was out of line. He's an adult - if your child is being hit, pick her up. I thought that would be common sense. As for the other moms -why didn't they step in, instead of waiting for the OP to call them and then get the story?

The OPs husband is taking it to far. Neither the OP nor her DH has even talked to this man, instead going to the police for something they did not see. No, it's not right for him to do push/hit/shove a child, but at least talk to him, especially if the families are/were friends.

This whole thing was just handled so wrong.
post #123 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoestoShow View Post
I'd be pretty pissed off at the parent for that too, especially if the parent then took the child UPSTAIRS before apologizing instead of handling it IN FRONT OF ME where I could SEE it was being handled.
For real? Why do you need to see how it is handled? If the child and/or parent apologizes in the end, how does it matter how they got there?

There have been plenty of times I've taken my child out of earshot of others in order to let her calm down and so we could agree on what needed to be done. Doing that publicly would not have worked at all, and I imagine only escalated the situation.
post #124 of 235

.


Edited by GoestoShow - 12/17/10 at 9:03am
post #125 of 235
Also she told her son to apologize she never apologized herself for letting hes son hit the baby with a brush hard enough to leave a mark.
post #126 of 235
I don't think it's anyone else's business how I choose to parent my children. I don't believe that disciplining, or punishing, or correcting, or whatever term you want to use, should be done in front of others.
post #127 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by isign View Post
I don't think it's anyone else's business how I choose to parent my children. I don't believe that disciplining, or punishing, or correcting, or whatever term you want to use, should be done in front of others.
I agree. But there are two problems with this, for me.

If I choose to leave my child in the care of others while I do something, then I am giving other adults the burden of disciplining him in a way I may not approve.

and

If my child hurts someone and is not able to apologize for whatever reason, I should be the one doing the apologizing on behalf of my child. Then, my child and I can talk about it privately. Still, something should have been said by the OP to acknowledge the baby's hurt and apologize for her son's hitting before removing her child to the upstairs.
post #128 of 235
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by alfabetsoup View Post
OP, I think you and your DH are overreacting. The other dad should absolutely not have pushed your son, but I can see why they are angry with you. There was a very aggressive boy in my group of friends and he seemed to single out my dd. I got really fed up with his mom's blase attitude toward the hitting and stopped seeing them.

Also, do you get upset when anyone corrects your child, even gently? Because that may be why none of the other moms did anything.


Hitting and rough play IS developmentally appropriate, but that does NOT MEAN IT IS OK. I understand why DD1 hits DD2 but I don't allow it! It sounds like this isn't the first time your DS has hit anyone and I think you need to watch him much more closely in future or you will lose these friends.
no, as long as it is appropriate. i think nobody said anything because the two mums were shocked at what had happened
post #129 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoestoShow View Post
The fact is, the OP took her son upstairs without any indication that the situation would be resolved or acknowledged for what it was --- her son hurting the other child.
Expecting some acknowledgment before leaving the room is one thing. Expecting the parent to discipline their child in front of you is entirely different which is what you said you wanted.

I guess to me, saying anything before leaving the room would just be an unnecessary formality. I'd expect the mom to being paying attention to her kid at that time. I would trust her enough to know that she would either come down with the kid to apologize before the nap or would come down and apologize herself once the overtired upset kid was asleep.

I think trust is sort of key with these things. It sounds like thats what's missing from the OPs situation for everyone involved.
post #130 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by petra_william View Post
no, as long as it is appropriate. i think nobody said anything because the two mums were shocked at what had happened
That's odd. I don't think I'd consider them friends either then, to just sit there if they were so shocked and offended by the dad's behavior. I've seen bad discipline before toward another's child and I've just stepped in, scooped up the kiddo and taken them to their mom with a quick whisper of what just happened. For the ladies to just sit there and do nothing? Wow.
post #131 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
I guess to me, saying anything before leaving the room would just be an unnecessary formality.
See, I'd just call that common courtesy.

Quote:
I'd expect the mom to being paying attention to her kid at that time. I would trust her enough to know that she would either come down with the kid to apologize before the nap or would come down and apologize herself once the overtired upset kid was asleep.
Really, really honestly? If you were at playdates and the same child hit yours on the head not once, but at least three times, and all you heard was "He's been hitting a lot lately" or "I don't know why he's been hitting" and then later "Let's get you to bed..." would you not feel totally offended that your child's pain hadn't even been acknowledged? Cuz I know I would be, and no, I wouldn't go back at all.
post #132 of 235

.


Edited by GoestoShow - 12/17/10 at 9:04am
post #133 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xy View Post
Really? Everyone at playgroups nowadays brings their own drinks and never uses the bathroom? Wow.

A small group of children should not be that difficult to keep an eye on when there are four adults nearby. Somehow, home-daycare providers manage to keep things orderly.

Of course, toddlers hit and will be hit by others. I understand being upset when your baby gets hit, but really....the level of outrage I'm perceiving from this thread just astounds me. It's not as though someone lost a limb or had an eye poked out.
No, that's not the only other alternative. The drinks are set out on the kitchen counter for the adults to get themselves. If they have to pee they either specifically ask another mom to watch their kid, or they take them to the bathroom with them.
post #134 of 235
I have one 9 MO DD and this thread had me scared to death of playgroups.
LOL.

I vote for: Everyone needs to apologize and move on. Take a break from getting together until the hitting phase is OVER. Side A should not accuse Side B of violently beating their child over the head with a hairbrush, and Side B should not accuse Side A of violent assault on a toddler. Too much drama.
post #135 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoestoShow View Post
No. I said I wanted it being HANDLED and to know that it was being HANDLED and that I am witness to it being HANDLED. I don't expect punishment to take place in front of me, but I expect to know before the child is removed that the parent will take care of it and demonstrate as much to me.
I think this could get into a semantical debate that is probably not worth it. But just to clarify, I never said anything about punishment. I said discipline which does not mean punishment.

Either way, I think it's really intrusive for anyone to think they have the right to witness another parents disciplining/handling/parenting of their child.
post #136 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by AbbieB View Post
I really can not understand this thread. Clearly everyone is reading the OP and seeing a very different picture. This thread just seems to be bringing out the momma/poppa bear in everyone

I was reading the update and recent posts while nursing my 2 year old BABY. I kept looking at him and imagining him hitting another baby on the head and remembering all of the times his sister whacked him on the head (or whatever)when he was 1. Momma bear has been there to protect, but she never lashed out at another cub. Momma bear picked up the hurt baby and moved away! Maybe there was a snarl. Never a claw. KWIM?

I'm also thinking about all of the playgroups DD went to when she was 2 and under. It was a group of 4 kids. DD was the youngest, the oldest being 9 months older, the next was 7 months older and then 6 months older. This kind of stuff happened all the time, toddlers being toddlers. We moms helped each other out. We never expected there to never be a problem. We certainly never freaked out when it was our kid that was hurt. We did the best we could when our kid was the aggressor. Sometimes we were distracted and things happened that probably could have been avoided but were human and make mistakes. There was no blame. These kinds of situations are age appropriate.

What's not age appropriate is yelling and crying, pushing and shoving, the silent treatment and threatening someone's job.

OP, I'm sorry that the other family is over reacting and seems to be blaming you and your kid. Not that they are wrong for feeling protective and wronged. Just wrong for being so freaking over the top about it.

OP I think you did the best you could at the time. You may have been to lax with supervising your son while he is in this stage. You will learn from this and do better next time. Talk to your DH and settle him down. Nobody needs to have their job threatened because they had a really bad poppa bear moment.
This is the best post in this thread and sums it up perfectly. Children are just that - children. And growing up is a learning process. Two and a half is still a baby in a lot of ways, and yes, they hit, kick, punch, throw, bite, etc. As parents it's our job not only to teach them the correct and proper ways to behave but to also realize that this is the nature of the beast if you will, and to be understanding of that as well. Should the OP have watched her son better after the first incident? Maybe. She was the hostess of the playgroup, so after the first incident either one of the other parents needed to step up and take over those duties so the OP could better watch her child or else they needed to watch her child while she was attending to the expected hostess duties. Supermom or not, no woman can be everywhere and do everything. The other father seemed to take the OP's sons actions personally rather than accepting it was a developmental stage. Not unfathomable for a daddy to be protective of his little girl, but not entirely reasonable either. What blows me away really is the update and the other mother. Her child was apparently the agressor in the past and out grew it, but it's not alright for another child to go through the same stage. I especially loved her comment about how she wouldn't have allowed her children to go back due to an incident that the OP had sincerely thought was handled and behind them. These people are not acting or sounding like your friends, and honestly it's not sounding like you or your DP are that investing in being their friends either. I see a lot of strife in future years if you keep trying to maintain this.
post #137 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilacMama View Post
I have one 9 MO DD and this thread had me scared to death of playgroups.
LOL.

I vote for: Everyone needs to apologize and move on. Take a break from getting together until the hitting phase is OVER. Side A should not accuse Side B of violently beating their child over the head with a hairbrush, and Side B should not accuse Side A of violent assault on a toddler. Too much drama.
I agree with this. Way way too much drama. For me this would be a big huge forget about it, learn from mistakes, and move on quickly without making a huge deal about it.
post #138 of 235
I have a 3 yr old (P) and a 20 mo old (G). Since G was born, P has hit her over the head, pushed her, pulled her, taken toys from her, etc. Yes, he's also laughed with her, hugged her, kissed her, played with her, taught her things, etc, and that occurs more often than the "abuse." But this is what we learned very quickly-- you cannot leave a toddler like a 2-3-4 year old with a younger child and assume they will not end up getting physical with each other. It's not fair to the younger child to get hurt. You have to protect the younger child. That's just the way it is.
So IMO, you should be right next to your son at playgroups if he's giving any indication of acting out.
No, the officer shouldn't have pushed him, if in fact he pushed him hard and intentionally, but I understand him trying to block the hit and move the children apart, and he was probably frustrated that you weren't monitoring your son, especially after he had already hit the girl with a brush. I think this in no way constitutes abuse.
post #139 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sancta View Post
Really, really honestly? If you were at playdates and the same child hit yours on the head not once, but at least three times, and all you heard was "He's been hitting a lot lately" or "I don't know why he's been hitting" and then later "Let's get you to bed..." would you not feel totally offended that your child's pain hadn't even been acknowledged? Cuz I know I would be, and no, I wouldn't go back at all.

That is not what happened. This is:

Quote:
i take ds upstairs, angry and upset at what has happened, take a few minutes to calm us both down, tell william that we must not hit, its not nice and hurts. i ask him to come back down with me to give M a kiss ot say sorry (he cant *say* sorry yet) so i go back down, the dad is stood holding M, i walk over with DS, lift him up and say give M a kiss then. William looks across but the dad doesnt make any effort to lower M so that DS could say sorry, apart from kissing her bum / legs. he looks away after a while and buries his head in my shoulders and starts crying again, so i take him upstairs and say "lets get you to sleep" as i am upstairs i hear them talking downstiars and then leaving, the two mums calling bye but the dad saying nothing.
The "Let's get you to sleep" came after the child tried to apologize and the dad sort of snubbed him.

So yes, I really would not have been totally offended if the mom in the that exact situation took her son away to calm down before apologizing and then went to put him down for a nap.
post #140 of 235
Having read the update:

I think it's time to let this go. It was an incident, things could have been better handled on both sides, and it's over with.

It is seriously not worth the drama, not worth making yourself sick over.

Perhaps this family is just not a good match for you for playdates. And certainly now you will keep your toddler nearby you, knowing that he needs supervision and you can't always rely on others do to things the way you would do them.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › I am furious... what would you have done? UPDATE IN OP