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I am furious... what would you have done? UPDATE IN OP - Page 3

post #41 of 235
Quite a few people are saying that we don't know that the dad pushed the OP's son, but this was in her OP:

Quote:
Originally Posted by petra_william View Post
i have asked one of the mums whether the dad did push ds and that was confirmed.
The OP didn't see it, so she can't give an eyewitness account or anything, but the dad did push her son. How much of a push, and whether he meant to knock him over, etc. - unknown. But, he did push him.
post #42 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post
I get that. I guess I'm just seeing an implication that somehow this boy deserved getting pushed because his mother wasn't supervising and that, at least some, of the pp here have said they'd naturally react that way if someone hit their child.
Naturally reacting that way doesn't mean it's okay. I also naturally react by yelling when I'm angry but that doesn't make it okay. It's a poor reaction, but it's a human reaction nevertheless.

Of course the 2.5 year old didn't deserve to be pushed. But he DID deserve to be separated, and if the separation resulted in him being pushed back somehow, I have no issue with that. (It would still stink if it was your own kid, though). But if the dad just all-out pushed him with force - yeah, that's awful. Still, reporting him is over the top.

When someone's hurting your baby, even if that person is another child, it's hard to see straight and react correctly, ESP when that child's parents are gone from the room, you're left to deal with it by yourself, and it's a repeat offense.
post #43 of 235
I'll just say to Kirsten.
post #44 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow View Post
I don't hink she's over reacting by being upset, but I do think reporting him to the authorities is overreacting.
I completely agree that reporting is overreacting. As I said in my first post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
We don't even know if he saw it. He had two kids there. Maybe something was going on with the older one.
True. As I said, "IF" I had seen it coming, whether the parent was in the room or not, I would have stepped in.

Quote:
When someone's hurting your baby, even if that person is another child, it's hard to see straight and react correctly, ESP when that child's parents are gone from the room, you're left to deal with it by yourself, and it's a repeat offense
Ok, first of all, my children have been hurt by other kids. They've hurt other kids. My kids have been intentionally hurt by things and have also been the victims of biting phases. I guarantee I have never ever shoved a child away. Ever. You can separate kids without hurting either of them.

I want to make it clear what I said my original post. Yes, the op should have handled the entire playdate situation differently. The father of the 1 year old should have handled the whole thing differently. I don't think anyone is out of line for being upset. I do not think the father should be reported.
post #45 of 235
If it's a regular play group I would send out an email establishing the rules as far as disciplining each others children. Because frankly, I would not have been cool with what you described.
post #46 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post
Ok, first of all, my children have been hurt by other kids. They've hurt other kids. My kids have been intentionally hurt by things and have also been the victims of biting phases. I guarantee I have never ever shoved a child away. Ever.
That's wonderful that you can do this, but some people here (myself included) honestly said that they might push the child away in this situation. Not shove. No one ever said shove.

Quote:
You can separate kids without hurting either of them.
She never said her child had been hurt by the "push" away from the baby.

Like I said, pushing is a poor reaction but still, it is a reaction that many might have. This dad obviously did. Doesn't make it right. But doesn't make him the worst person ever, either. He was just protecting his baby.
post #47 of 235
Quote:
Ok, first of all, my children have been hurt by other kids. They've hurt other kids. My kids have been intentionally hurt by things and have also been the victims of biting phases. I guarantee I have never ever shoved a child away. Ever. You can separate kids without hurting either of them.
So you're a better person than me in these situations! Pushing isn't the right thing to do, but it is a normal thing to do, even if it's not normal for you. Many of us seem to have found ourselves just reacting (perhaps over-reacting) to someone hurting our baby without thinking about what is "possible" or "right", by simply pushing that person away from our child. When a friends kid dragged mine out of a toy car by her hair, i admit, i jumped right in and physically hauled him away from my DD. My hands were on him before i'd fully registered why she was crying - my instinct was THAT fast. My friend completely understood and as soon as she got to us (i was closer) i handed him straight to her, and we were both more vigilant for a few months.

Having said all that, i DO think it was unnecessary of the dad to refuse to let the OP's DS make up with his DD. I can understand he might have been mad and just wanting to leave, but he should have really let the little boy say sorry, preventing that is just totally cruel.

Overall i think this dad is probably on a learning curve. Inevitably it is never too long before our poor little sweetie is the one doing the hitting/biting/pushing and then he will realise how easily hese things happen.
post #48 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sancta View Post
That's wonderful that you can do this, but some people here (myself included) honestly said that they might push the child away in this situation. Not shove. No one ever said shove.



She never said her child had been hurt by the "push" away from the baby.

Like I said, pushing is a poor reaction but still, it is a reaction that many might have. This dad obviously did. Doesn't make it right. But doesn't make him the worst person ever, either. He was just protecting his baby.
The op never said "beat" or "pummel" either. And ok, I'll change my statement to " you can separate kids without making them cry."

As to the bolded part: I don't think he's the worst person. I simply understand why what he did would make the op so mad.
post #49 of 235
I think you did everything you should have done. When you talk to the mom, tell her why her DH is banned from the house. Hopefully, she'll understand.

I'd have killed someone if that were my child. You really have much more control than I do.
post #50 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by sleepingbeauty View Post
I think you did everything you should have done. When you talk to the mom, tell her why her DH is banned from the house. Hopefully, she'll understand.

I'd have killed someone if that were my child. You really have much more control than I do.
Luckily you're not the mother of the baby, or her toddler would've been killed rather than pushed!
post #51 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2mygirl View Post
Two-year-olds seem HUGE to me right now. I know that when my baby is two, she'll seem like a little toddler. But right now, I would be really upset if a two-year-old hit her on the head with an object.
And I do think a two-year-old knows not to hit. They're learning but it's not as innocent as a baby hitting. A baby really has no idea.
I don't think the dad should have pushed but I understand why he was upset.
A two year old has no impulse control, they are still quite a baby. I understand why the dad was upset though. If my DD can't play nice we leave. If we had another child over and my DD was rude I picked her up for awhile. I probably would have taken my child with me into the kitchen in this situation.
post #52 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by ssh View Post
A two year old has no impulse control, they are still quite a baby. I understand why the dad was upset though. If my DD can't play nice we leave. If we had another child over and my DD was rude I picked her up for awhile. I probably would have taken my child with me into the kitchen in this situation.
In 4 months the kiddo will be 3. Maybe the dad was seeing him as VERY big, not just a "two year old baby." (Again, not that it makes his reaction right, but sometimes we don't react well when our babies are hit on purpose more than once.)
post #53 of 235
I was just saying if the 2 year old is tired and grumpy it's the adults responsibility to keep everyone safe. The 2 or even almost 3 year old is too impulsive.
post #54 of 235
"Would you LET someone, of any age, hit your baby? Would you think "yowza" and push that person away or would you think "well, poor thing is tired and doesn't mean it, i'll ask him politely to stop" while your kid is screaming?"

Why on earth are these the only two choices?

From my years of toddler playdates, I've gleaned the following wisdom:

1. When the hostess is doing hostess duty, you keep an eye on her kid.
2. When a mama is nursing her baby, you keep an eye on her older kid.
3. The scariest/most difficult person in the room is NEVER one of the toddlers. It's a first time parent with a younger toddler who is still in permanent-crisis mode and can't be trusted not to crazily overreact to common problems like hitting. Instead of, you know, taking away the hairbrush, this person will freak out, get angry, cry, yell, and sometimes even be inappropriately physical with your kid. It's not an issue of malice, but of inexperience. You keep your very sharpest eye on THAT parent, because you can't trust them to be able to bring good parenting practice to a situation that you could handle in your sleep. They are still learning.
post #55 of 235
I would probably react badly if a two and a half year old were hitting my infant on the head too. So, I can't entirely blame him for knocking your son away.

I kinda think he feels a little bad about it though. I have done things in the heat of the moment that I later regret. I think it's ok to talk to him about it.
post #56 of 235
I have three kids. My youngest went though a brief hitting phase and I shadowed him like a hawk, intervening before it would get to that. The rest of the time (with all three kids), we've been on the receiving end. I have never hit, pushed, yelled at, etc. another child because they hurt my child. My natural instinct is to protect my child, therefore I scoop them up and remove them from the situation. After they are safe, I would address the other child, varying what I say based on age appropriateness.

Yes, the OP should have been intervening (and protecting). However, that is no excuse for the father to yell at or push the child. He would not be invited back to my home.
post #57 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
"Would you LET someone, of any age, hit your baby? Would you think "yowza" and push that person away or would you think "well, poor thing is tired and doesn't mean it, i'll ask him politely to stop" while your kid is screaming?"

Why on earth are these the only two choices?

From my years of toddler playdates, I've gleaned the following wisdom:

1. When the hostess is doing hostess duty, you keep an eye on her kid.
2. When a mama is nursing her baby, you keep an eye on her older kid.
3. The scariest/most difficult person in the room is NEVER one of the toddlers. It's a first time parent with a younger toddler who is still in permanent-crisis mode and can't be trusted not to crazily overreact to common problems like hitting. Instead of, you know, taking away the hairbrush, this person will freak out, get angry, cry, yell, and sometimes even be inappropriately physical with your kid. It's not an issue of malice, but of inexperience. You keep your very sharpest eye on THAT parent, because you can't trust them to be able to bring good parenting practice to a situation that you could handle in your sleep. They are still learning.


nak
post #58 of 235
I think you are furious at the wrong person. I think it's easier for you to see your son as the victim rather than the aggressor in this situation. If you keep making excuses for your son, he will grow up to think that he can get away with anything.

All this energy that you are spending on blaming the father of the baby for making your son cry IS MISSING THE POINT! Your son hit a baby on the head with a hairbrush! Stopping your son by pushing him away is totally understandable. If the baby were mine, you would be the one unwelcome in the playgroup, not the dad.

You owe the father of the baby an apology. You should be sorry that you left your son unattended after you knew that he had already hit the baby with a brush once. I've got 6 kids and when I know that they are going thru this hitting/pushing stage I follow them around like a hawk or we don't go to places where they have to deal with other little ones. Live and learn,
post #59 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post
But yet everyone thinks the op is overreacting because she is upset that someone pushed her child. She's just trying to protect her kid too.
Than maybe she should have been in the room or ended the playdate early. I would be miffed as well if another child is clearly hitting my child even if its age appropriate and the parent of said child wasnt in the room or supervising him closely enough that it kept reoccuring.
post #60 of 235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
"Would you LET someone, of any age, hit your baby? Would you think "yowza" and push that person away or would you think "well, poor thing is tired and doesn't mean it, i'll ask him politely to stop" while your kid is screaming?"

Why on earth are these the only two choices?

From my years of toddler playdates, I've gleaned the following wisdom:

1. When the hostess is doing hostess duty, you keep an eye on her kid.
2. When a mama is nursing her baby, you keep an eye on her older kid.
3. The scariest/most difficult person in the room is NEVER one of the toddlers. It's a first time parent with a younger toddler who is still in permanent-crisis mode and can't be trusted not to crazily overreact to common problems like hitting. Instead of, you know, taking away the hairbrush, this person will freak out, get angry, cry, yell, and sometimes even be inappropriately physical with your kid. It's not an issue of malice, but of inexperience. You keep your very sharpest eye on THAT parent, because you can't trust them to be able to bring good parenting practice to a situation that you could handle in your sleep. They are still learning.
YES! This is pretty much it as i have seen. I had one parent whose kid was waaaaay younger then the others and would sometimes get hurt - she FLIES off the handle about it. But when HER precious little angel does anything it is "developmentally appropriate"

I spent a full year (when dd was 2-3y/o) hating playgroup because instead of sitting chatting with the other moms i had to shadow dd to be sure she didnt pummel anyone. Sometimes she still got a swing in but never twice. I was always close enough to snatch her away. It sucked - i was "that mom" with "that kid" and it was embarrassing and tiring.

OP -
1 - yes, you should have supervised better. Take him with you to the kitchen, ask for help with the tea etc.
2 - I wouldnt want someone in my house who was not aware of normal toddler behavior and acceptable reactions.
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