I've known Will for 14yrs. We met when I was 16. We were on vacation up at the lake and there was my friend and I and a bunch of guys and we all started hanging out together. Will and I formed an attraction and wrote to each other after we returned home. We didn't see each other for two more years and set up a camping trip. But we had talked and written almost weekly. We kept in touch for 3yrs after the camping trip. We helped each other through everything. We loved each other. We did not judge each other. We just couldn't get past some issues that were keeping us apart-his drinking.
When I met my dh he was not happy about the relationship and so Will and I stopped talking regularly. We sent the occasional letter. I recieved a letter one day from him saying he was ready to be the man he needed to be for us. He was ready to stop drinking, but hadn't done so yet. I had already met dh, and though rocky, we were working on our relationship, and I felt like I couldn't just drop it. After we got married it was still hard. I called Will one day and he said he didn't want to be just friends, he wanted more. He knew the troubles I was having, but would not impose on my marriage. He let me know he was there, and a place to stay if needed. (I was out of state by that time).
We stopped contact after that. I thought about him and hoped he was ok, that maybe he met some one and got married and had a family of his own. I thought about his mom-we had a good relationship as well. Every summer I thought of when we met at the lake. How I wished we could talk or write to each other. I resented that I had to stop a friendship of 5yrs because I got married. He knew I had 2 boys and they are my everything. The other day I decided to give him a call. I'm compiling a book of things I wrote and he had some, so I thought to see if he still had the copies, plus I wanted to know how he was.
His mom called me back to let me know he had passed this past May. The same month of my mc. She said she wanted to call me right away, but did not want to cause trouble between my dh and I. But she had some things for me and knew that she had to tell me what happened. We talked for awhile. I asked her if he found happiness and she said "yes, with you". She told me he carried my picture in his wallet. That he would talk about me and smile, and that he loved me. That in the end he found God and peace with his life.
I'm not sure how to process any of this. I am so angry at him for not calling me, though I understand why. I feel like I could have helped. She said he knew how much I loved him, but I don't think he did. I wonder now if that would have helped or hurt more, if it would have made him drink more? I'm angry and feel selfish that I will never know the answers to questions that I have about us. I'm angry no one called me, because I would have tried to go to the funeral, even though it was a terrible time, and said goodbye. I don't know how to say goodbye now. His mom said they took some of his ashes up to the lake-because that's where he found happiness at and wanted to be in the end. It makes every fiber of me cry to know these things about him that I did not know. My friend who is a recovered alcholic said there is nothing I could have done to make him stop drinking. That many things could have happened, and perhaps he might have stopped, but I can't blame myself for not running to him when he said he wanted to quit drinking.
I just can't imagine the world with out his light in it. He was my best friend for 14yrs (even though we didn't talk), and apparently he felt the same. I'm just mad he didn't try harder to stop drinking. Part of me is mad he didn't try harder for him and for us. He left a surviving twin, as well as an older brother. His parents had to say goodbye to him. He was only 35yrs old. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to share with dh that he is gone now. That he doesn't have to worry about him swooping down here to try to win me away. I don't know how to share that, he'll be upset that I'm so heartbroken over this. I want to talk to his brother, because I need to know things, but I can't. I feel like I can't because I'm married. I feel like I need that for closure though.
I feel like what is the third thing that will happen this year? First the baby, then Will. What next. I feel like I'm at zero, I'm under zero, so come on world, just lay it on me, because I'm numb now. A piece of me has been ripped from me, and a piece of my soul is now gone. The one person who loved and accepted me for everything that I am. I always thought I would get the phone call that my dad passed because of his drinking, not my friend.
Thanks for listening.
When I met my dh he was not happy about the relationship and so Will and I stopped talking regularly. We sent the occasional letter. I recieved a letter one day from him saying he was ready to be the man he needed to be for us. He was ready to stop drinking, but hadn't done so yet. I had already met dh, and though rocky, we were working on our relationship, and I felt like I couldn't just drop it. After we got married it was still hard. I called Will one day and he said he didn't want to be just friends, he wanted more. He knew the troubles I was having, but would not impose on my marriage. He let me know he was there, and a place to stay if needed. (I was out of state by that time).
We stopped contact after that. I thought about him and hoped he was ok, that maybe he met some one and got married and had a family of his own. I thought about his mom-we had a good relationship as well. Every summer I thought of when we met at the lake. How I wished we could talk or write to each other. I resented that I had to stop a friendship of 5yrs because I got married. He knew I had 2 boys and they are my everything. The other day I decided to give him a call. I'm compiling a book of things I wrote and he had some, so I thought to see if he still had the copies, plus I wanted to know how he was.
His mom called me back to let me know he had passed this past May. The same month of my mc. She said she wanted to call me right away, but did not want to cause trouble between my dh and I. But she had some things for me and knew that she had to tell me what happened. We talked for awhile. I asked her if he found happiness and she said "yes, with you". She told me he carried my picture in his wallet. That he would talk about me and smile, and that he loved me. That in the end he found God and peace with his life.
I'm not sure how to process any of this. I am so angry at him for not calling me, though I understand why. I feel like I could have helped. She said he knew how much I loved him, but I don't think he did. I wonder now if that would have helped or hurt more, if it would have made him drink more? I'm angry and feel selfish that I will never know the answers to questions that I have about us. I'm angry no one called me, because I would have tried to go to the funeral, even though it was a terrible time, and said goodbye. I don't know how to say goodbye now. His mom said they took some of his ashes up to the lake-because that's where he found happiness at and wanted to be in the end. It makes every fiber of me cry to know these things about him that I did not know. My friend who is a recovered alcholic said there is nothing I could have done to make him stop drinking. That many things could have happened, and perhaps he might have stopped, but I can't blame myself for not running to him when he said he wanted to quit drinking.
I just can't imagine the world with out his light in it. He was my best friend for 14yrs (even though we didn't talk), and apparently he felt the same. I'm just mad he didn't try harder to stop drinking. Part of me is mad he didn't try harder for him and for us. He left a surviving twin, as well as an older brother. His parents had to say goodbye to him. He was only 35yrs old. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to share with dh that he is gone now. That he doesn't have to worry about him swooping down here to try to win me away. I don't know how to share that, he'll be upset that I'm so heartbroken over this. I want to talk to his brother, because I need to know things, but I can't. I feel like I can't because I'm married. I feel like I need that for closure though.
I feel like what is the third thing that will happen this year? First the baby, then Will. What next. I feel like I'm at zero, I'm under zero, so come on world, just lay it on me, because I'm numb now. A piece of me has been ripped from me, and a piece of my soul is now gone. The one person who loved and accepted me for everything that I am. I always thought I would get the phone call that my dad passed because of his drinking, not my friend.
Thanks for listening.
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That sounds very difficult... I hope you allow yourself space to grieve, even if you are married.
