How is your DP coping?

[cristeen]

Or maybe more specifically... how does your DP cope?

We spent the first week on the couch with DH in the bedroom, before we swapped places - because he said he wanted me to be more comfortable. Now he's constantly complaining about not being able to sleep well. Sleeping on the couch is completely his choice. And I can't help it that me opening the fridge to get a bottle wakes him or me running the water in the kitchen, or the baby crying, or any number of other things wake him up, and then he can't get back to sleep. All of those things with the exception of the fridge wake him if he's in the bedroom, too...

But I'm at a total breaking point here. He doesn't have the patience to deal with the LO after work, he's getting really frustrated with completely normal fussing, so I'm not getting a break at all. And then today he was so pissed because the baby woke him at 4 when I couldn't get him to stop screaming, that he's taking it out on me at 7 am. The only reason I even get up at that hour is to make his breakfast, lunch and coffee. And half the time my getting up wakes up the baby so that I'm stuck being up for several hours until I can get him back down...

And today he was up for 7 hours before napping, and DH is giving me such a hard time that I don't feel like I can lay down for a nap then - I have to be productive, get dinner started, get the dishwasher loaded and laundry running. <sigh>

Someone please tell me how your DP is coping with this, because I'm gonna throttle mine if we don't figure this out soon.

[guestmama9922]

I can completely relate to this - my husband was the same after our first was born. It's quite a shock for first time dads, they don't have 9 months of pregnancy to prepare for the arrival and then when baby arrives it takes up all of your time.
Some dads react quite badly and I'm sorry yours is making things difficult.
You should talk to him and let him know that you need a hand with the baby, but that you understand he needs time to adjust.
I can tell you though that my husband did get a clue and the next two babies he was uber helpful. In fact this one, he has taken a month off work and is doing all the cooking & cleaning (not waking in the night but I can take it).

I hoep he gets that clue soon too.

[2boyzmama]

wow...um, that SO wouldn't cut it with me!! For some perspective, here's what it was like in our family with Ian:

I worked full time, an officer in the Air Force, so 10 hour duty days, plus mandatory pre-dawn workouts, plus mandatory community service stuff on weekends, plus the quarterly chem warfare exercises where my shift was 12 hours...unless we got "attacked" at shift change then it would often be 14+ hours. Hubby was SAHD.

I had 100% of night duty since I was BFing, and Ian wouldn't co-sleep so I spent many hours in the glider feeding. I had almost 100% of the evenings, too, first so hubby could make dinner, but also to give hubby a break. And on weekends, I made a point of taking the baby out of the house for several hours so hubby could have some alone time (we'd walk the mall or something). I NEVER made my husband get up to make me breakfast or lunch, I'm a big girl. He got to sleep in until the baby got up, and I woke the baby for a 6am feed, so he usually got to sleep until 9am. I did a majority of the house cleaning on weekends (hubby kept up with dishes and laundry, and all outside chores, I did everything else).

Now with three kids and both of us working, everything is split nearly equally, including night time duty. I take care of Gavin at night, hubby handles most of Ian and Connor's wake ups. I'm on maternity leave right now, so when hubby gets home, he changes every diaper, he puts the big boys to bed, he helps with cleaning, etc.

We have a PARTNERSHIP, these children are OURS. I insist that we both parent them equally, or as equal as possible. Since you're primarily bottle feeding, I don't see why your hubby can't take a feeding or two to let you sleep. I think he should make his own breakfast and lunch, and I definitely think he should take the baby in the evenings. It's not life as usual, you have a new normal now. Your body is still recovering even!! He needs to accept that he won't get a full night's sleep for a while, but that he's no different than every working mom. If you worked and he stayed home, do you think he'd get up to make your coffee??

Now if you guys were using that morning time as couple time, then it would be different, but if it's just making you more tired and you're not getting the appreciation for your role as mother and wife, then a heart to heart needs to happen.

[rebeccajm]

Originally Posted by 2boyzmama

wow...um, that SO wouldn't cut it with me!! For some perspective, here's what it was like in our family with Ian:

I worked full time, an officer in the Air Force, so 10 hour duty days, plus mandatory pre-dawn workouts, plus mandatory community service stuff on weekends, plus the quarterly chem warfare exercises where my shift was 12 hours...unless we got "attacked" at shift change then it would often be 14+ hours. Hubby was SAHD.

I had 100% of night duty since I was BFing, and Ian wouldn't co-sleep so I spent many hours in the glider feeding. I had almost 100% of the evenings, too, first so hubby could make dinner, but also to give hubby a break. And on weekends, I made a point of taking the baby out of the house for several hours so hubby could have some alone time (we'd walk the mall or something). I NEVER made my husband get up to make me breakfast or lunch, I'm a big girl. He got to sleep in until the baby got up, and I woke the baby for a 6am feed, so he usually got to sleep until 9am. I did a majority of the house cleaning on weekends (hubby kept up with dishes and laundry, and all outside chores, I did everything else).

Now with three kids and both of us working, everything is split nearly equally, including night time duty. I take care of Gavin at night, hubby handles most of Ian and Connor's wake ups. I'm on maternity leave right now, so when hubby gets home, he changes every diaper, he puts the big boys to bed, he helps with cleaning, etc.

We have a PARTNERSHIP, these children are OURS. I insist that we both parent them equally, or as equal as possible. Since you're primarily bottle feeding, I don't see why your hubby can't take a feeding or two to let you sleep. I think he should make his own breakfast and lunch, and I definitely think he should take the baby in the evenings. It's not life as usual, you have a new normal now. Your body is still recovering even!! He needs to accept that he won't get a full night's sleep for a while, but that he's no different than every working mom. If you worked and he stayed home, do you think he'd get up to make your coffee??

Now if you guys were using that morning time as couple time, then it would be different, but if it's just making you more tired and you're not getting the appreciation for your role as mother and wife, then a heart to heart needs to happen.

I agree with every word of this. I am so sorry your DH is not helping and yet complaining and taking it all out on you. It sounds to me like he is another child for you to take care of. Sorry!

[2boyzmama]

Originally Posted by rebeccajm

I agree with every word of this. I am so sorry your DH is not helping and yet complaining and taking it all out on you. It sounds to me like he is another child for you to take care of. Sorry!

Whew, I'm actually relieved you said that, because I came back worried that I had been too harsh or overstepped myself.

In all honesty, I HATE when I hear about men who treat their wives this way, or who neglect their roles as fathers. I'm not saying he's a bad man, husband, or father, I'm only saying that he needs to realize that he has these new roles, and he needs to start living them before your marriage suffers some serious consequences.

A lot of men take time to adjust to being parents, often more time than the women take (we have the benefits of maternal hormones, plus a lifetime of social and cultural conditioning), but he does still need to acknowledge that you are a family of THREE now, and that changes need to happen.

Once this needy newborn/infant stage eases, you WILL be more able to take on more of the traditional "stay at home parent" tasks, and you may even be able to get up and make him breakfast and lunch again. But it's unfair of him to ask you to do it now if he's not even taking the baby from you in the evenings!!

[rebeccajm]

Just wanted to come back and say that my DH was already a father when we married, so I was very lucky! My DSD was 6 when my first was born, so she was also a big help in a pinch. I really do hope things get better for you, and I hope you aren't discouraged now. Big hugs to you, mama!!!

[cristeen]

Thank you ladies. Yesterday was just a really tough day... we've had several tough days this week, but yesterday was one of those days when I just had to lay the baby down and let him scream while I walked away, as much as I hate doing that.

DH came home and collapsed with a low grade fever, which explains the attitude he was giving me. He does still have some adjusting to do, and we're working on it.

[2boyzmama]

Originally Posted by cristeen

Thank you ladies. Yesterday was just a really tough day... we've had several tough days this week, but yesterday was one of those days when I just had to lay the baby down and let him scream while I walked away, as much as I hate doing that.
I've had to do this, too, not because I can't deal with Gavin, but because I have to deal with Ian or Connor. Gavin sure HATES it, but he'll survive Your little guy will, too.
DH came home and collapsed with a low grade fever, which explains the attitude he was giving me. He does still have some adjusting to do, and we're working on it.

And dang it about a sick husband!!! I've done this a few times with my kids, their behavior will suddenly turn horrid and I'll turn into witch mom then the next day they wake up with a fever or puking or something and suddenly it all makes sense. Then mama guilt sets in and I feel bad for not being nicer to them the day before. But of course we aren't psychic, there's no way of knowing whether our kids (or husbands!) are just being brats, or if they're coming down with something.

Hang in there!! You guys have been through a LOT in the past several years, hopefully everything will smooth out quickly and you'll be able to just enjoy each other!!!!

[Dmitrizmom]

don't know if it makes you feel any better, but dh has slid into a major depressive episode. he's been the stay at home parent since June and isn't handling the isolation well - especially since we moved states. He'll do things when I give him direction, but otherwise is more likely to let Viv cry and not check diaper, etc. He can also sleep thru her crying... and he's been taking alot of naps. so, since mom went home, its 80% me doing everything.

We are looking at moving back home as soon as we can. It is too hard to be so far from family and the financials are not what was promised (but within what was specified in my contract).

[zenproof]

Originally Posted by cristeen

Thank you ladies. Yesterday was just a really tough day... we've had several tough days this week, but yesterday was one of those days when I just had to lay the baby down and let him scream while I walked away, as much as I hate doing that.

you are not alone. i have done this many times. if only for my sanity - and for the babys safety!!! some days (mainly nights) are SO HARD - and when you are doing it all alone, it really tests your limits.

i wrote about it recently HERE. Oddly, whenever i get to that 'im losing it' point - its almost as if my son KNOWS and just gives in. Its so weird - must be some baby survival tactic!!!

i feel ya though - hang in there. you are doing your best - i just wish you had more support from your partner!

[2boyzmama]

Zen, I love your blog post!

You managed to capture the deep dark thoughts that ALL mothers feel at least once, and you captured it in an honest yet humorous way. And you're right, it IS kind of like a secret...I remember in my childbirth class when I was pregnant with my first, the instructor said "You WILL understand child abuse shortly after this baby is born" and I sat there with my mouth open like "what is this lady TALKING about??" Then when Ian was about 2 weeks old, I had the first fleeting thought of throwing him out the window in the middle of the night, and although it shocked the hell out of me and I harbored a good bit of guilt about it, I thought back to that instructor and said "I guess she was right."

Hang in there ladies, this period is short! You AND your baby WILL survive this time. God gave babies very short memories for a reason

[2boyzmama]

Originally Posted by Dmitrizmom

don't know if it makes you feel any better, but dh has slid into a major depressive episode. he's been the stay at home parent since June and isn't handling the isolation well - especially since we moved states. He'll do things when I give him direction, but otherwise is more likely to let Viv cry and not check diaper, etc. He can also sleep thru her crying... and he's been taking alot of naps. so, since mom went home, its 80% me doing everything.

We are looking at moving back home as soon as we can. It is too hard to be so far from family and the financials are not what was promised (but within what was specified in my contract).

My husband did this after Connor was born. At first it wasn't a big deal, because I was home on a rather extended maternity leave since Connor was in the hospital and had a few surgeries. Then when I first returned to work and my husband was SAHD, it was summer and he could just sit outside and watch Ian play and it must have been all the Vit D, but he did okay. Then fall and winter hit, and he slid more and more into a horrible depression (he's struggled with depression for years).

Finally it came to a head one day and I got an emergency call at work, my husband had lost it, kicked a toy, the toy hit Ian, Ian was bleeding, Connor was screaming...he called me home and he was in the bedroom sobbing saying "I can't do this, I can't be a father, I'm ruining our kids, I'm going to hurt them".

I stayed home that whole week, got hubby in to the dr, got him on meds and in therapy, set up a daily schedule, and had to make sure to implement that schedule each morning before I left for work (I had to have the diaper bag packed daily, bottles pre-made, etc). Slowly he came around, and now over 2 years later it seems like such a distant memory! That's not my husband anymore, he's happy again, stressed sure, but happy. And a good dad. And a good husband.

[StrongFeather]

I have been following this post and wanted to comment. I speak from VERY recent experience, this first time parents stuff is hard. Throw in trying to not take it out on your partner, and even harder. DH and I have been fumbling through the first weeks/months of Sam's life. It has certainly not always been pretty, matter of fact some of the stuff that has been said has been down right horrible. But being in the otherside of those, umm, "discussions" I can see that we were both at not at our best mentally (and certainly not physically) and that was just our crappy way of making it through those times.

Hey, I wish we both had been a little more mature. I wish that we had the ability to see the others point of view and perspective, but there was just TOO MUCH to deal with, in some cases it just couldn't be done

This whole thing has been such a learning experience for me and DH. I am hoping that the next time we are better at coping than we were then.

I hope that you and DH get through this and grow. I agree with PP that your DH should take up a little bit more of the responisbility and be making his own lunches/breakfast and let you sleep. (though I made DH's lunches the night before, but he has totally jumped in and done for himself when I couldn't. I liked doing it for him to show him that I appreciate him..but feeling like I HAD too would have killed the point)

Also Don't feel bad for having a hard time right now. I felt super guilty/ashamed that DH and I were stuggling to even like each other at times. I think the fact that we bonded and became so close during the birth and the 2 weeeks PP,that when he went back to work and "reality" settled in we went so far in the other direction it made me feel like a total relationship failure. Which I have to say didn;t help the situation at all. So go easy on yourself and Dh as you figure out your way.

Wow I rambled. I hope I helped a least a little bit! You are not alone!!

[Dmitrizmom]

Originally Posted by 2boyzmama

Finally it came to a head one day and I got an emergency call at work, my husband had lost it, kicked a toy, the toy hit Ian, Ian was bleeding, Connor was screaming...he called me home and he was in the bedroom sobbing saying "I can't do this, I can't be a father, I'm ruining our kids, I'm going to hurt them".

This is what I'm worried about happening. What makes it worse is that we are a one car household and dh will have the car while I'm at work, so I'd have no way to get home without him driving (unless I want to involve people at work).

Sorry to side-track the thread.

Cristeen - your dh does need to step up/grow up. But I recognize that is easier said than done. Hope things improve soon (for both of us).

[cristeen]

Well, as I was getting ready for bed last night, DH said "why don't you take the night off?" He sent me to bed for 8 hours sleep and took nighttime duty. This morning he has a whole new appreciation for how exhausted I've been. But since the LO is bottle fed at this point, it wasn't a big deal... I missed a pumping, but I got almost 8 hours of straight sleep. First time in 10 months I haven't gotten up in the night to pee.

So I really think some level of understanding came out of that. And me jumping him once the baby went down for his nap didn't hurt matters any either.

[2boyzmama]

Originally Posted by cristeen

Well, as I was getting ready for bed last night, DH said "why don't you take the night off?" He sent me to bed for 8 hours sleep and took nighttime duty. This morning he has a whole new appreciation for how exhausted I've been. But since the LO is bottle fed at this point, it wasn't a big deal... I missed a pumping, but I got almost 8 hours of straight sleep. First time in 10 months I haven't gotten up in the night to pee.

So I really think some level of understanding came out of that. And me jumping him once the baby went down for his nap didn't hurt matters any either.

I'm so glad to read this!!! Maybe he got the hint now

[dosergirl]

wow i can totally relate to this and that makes me feel so much better. My dh has no idea how difficult it is to be home with Cora all day long.

One morning he woke up in a huff and wouldn't even speak to me before he left for work, i was finally able to get him to tell me why he was mad at me and it was because the house was a mess. all the laundry was done but not folded and put away. of course i cried when he told me (via text) because i was so proud of myself for getting all the laundry done only to find that wasn't enough for him.

he works full time and goes to school full time, he has classes after work mon-wed and saturday. on thur, fri and sunday he is literally studying the entire time. i honestly feel like i can not even ask him for help because he is working so hard and doing this on my own is so hard. i am just trying to suck it up honestly.

i know he wants to be a good dad and he already has A.D.D. so a screaming baby is something he just has no patience for at all. when he is trying to soothe her and i say, hey she likes being bounced try that, he won't listen to me and that is even more frustrating too.

at one point she had really bad gas and had been screaming for hours and i asked him to just watch her while i walked the dog for a break and i said "you know, i do this all day alone i need a small break" and he said " are you saying your daughter is a chore?" ugh.

anyway i too am rambling, totally, but i get it. hugs

[BekahMomToOliver]

Oh ladies, huuuuge hugs! I get where you're at, I totally do.
I don't want to be a downer, but dh not being an involved parent is 50% of why we didn't work out. But it was really bad, like, he didn't change a diaper until DS was 6 months old,didn't have anything to do with him at all unless it was forced. He didn't even know DS can't be vaccinated (severe allergies) until I spelled it out for him 2 months ago (and our son is nearly 2.) I know we discussed it several times, he just didn't care enough to process it, I guess. I remember one morning when DS was 3 months old and had ben up all night nursing, and then was up for the day at 6 a.m, and I'd had maybe 2 hours of sleep while dh snored beside me all night. And I asked dh to take him so I could sleep, but all he did was curse at me. There was absolutley a huuuuge disconnect there. Anyway, when I found out about baby #2 the day before DS turned one (surprise! ) I knew I couldn't handle 2 kids AND a husband like him.
I tried, it didn't work, and we're all happier now. I have my 2 beautiful babies, they have a household full of happiness and love, and DH doesn't have to pretend to care anymore.
So I'm saying I hear you ladies on how hard it is, but man is it ever a rewarding challenge no matter how it turns out.
Sending you strong-mama-vibes!

[Guinevere]

Just wanted to give those of you struggling with this issue huge hugs and my most sincere wishes that it improves soon. Having a newborn is a wonderful, exhausting, deeply life-altering event, and I can only imagine how alienating and lonely it must be to feel like you're doing it all by yourself.

I can only suggest to keep trying, mamas -- it doesn't (and shouldn't) have to be this way.

Guin