His friend's mom smokes pot...

[cymbeline]

My oldest is 10 and in 5th grade. His best friend is a girl who has a mom that smokes pot and abuses painkillers. When he was younger, I didn't think much of it -- but as they get older (they transfer to junior high next year), I am more concerned about it.

I know I need to talk to him on some level about it. For one thing, the girl has stopped inviting him over, citing myriad excuses most of which I think are cover for the fact that she is nervous or ashamed of her mom's behavior (unemployed, high pretty much all of the time). I'm not sure if she consciously knows what is going on, or if she is totally aware, but she seems to be coming of age, much more so than my son, and I remember coming of age with an addict parent -- it was very painful.

For another thing, my son is secretly in love with her, and I am somewhat nervous that, as they get older, a hero/victim relationship may develop between them. He's already predisposed to this kind of relationship with others. I'd like to try to foster a healthy friendship between them for as long as possible, because she's a pretty awesome kid.

And, honestly, this isn't just about her and her family. DH and I are not pot smokers (maybe if we were offered at a party, but that hasn't happened in years and we don't buy or smoke out at home), but we know that a number of our friends are. It occurred to me that many of our friends would never let their kids go play at another family's house if they owned a gun, but they themselves have illegal drugs in the house.

So, I'm looking for feedback. Assuming that you do NOT smoke pot or do other illegal drugs, how do you feel about your kids going to the house of someone who does? Does your child's age matter? At what age and how would you talk to them about it and how specific would you get?

[babygrant]

Originally Posted by cymbeline

My oldest is 10 and in 5th grade. His best friend is a girl who has a mom that smokes pot and abuses painkillers. When he was younger, I didn't think much of it -- but as they get older (they transfer to junior high next year), I am more concerned about it.

I know I need to talk to him on some level about it. For one thing, the girl has stopped inviting him over, citing myriad excuses most of which I think are cover for the fact that she is nervous or ashamed of her mom's behavior (unemployed, high pretty much all of the time). I'm not sure if she consciously knows what is going on, or if she is totally aware, but she seems to be coming of age, much more so than my son, and I remember coming of age with an addict parent -- it was very painful.

For another thing, my son is secretly in love with her, and I am somewhat nervous that, as they get older, a hero/victim relationship may develop between them. He's already predisposed to this kind of relationship with others. I'd like to try to foster a healthy friendship between them for as long as possible, because she's a pretty awesome kid.

And, honestly, this isn't just about her and her family. DH and I are not pot smokers (maybe if we were offered at a party, but that hasn't happened in years and we don't buy or smoke out at home), but we know that a number of our friends are. It occurred to me that many of our friends would never let their kids go play at another family's house if they owned a gun, but they themselves have illegal drugs in the house.

So, I'm looking for feedback. Assuming that you do NOT smoke pot or do other illegal drugs, how do you feel about your kids going to the house of someone who does? Does your child's age matter? At what age and how would you talk to them about it and how specific would you get?

I don't smoke pot. I used to before I had kids once in a while, but haven't done it in over 5 years. My son has friends who's parents smoke pot. I don't care. I always pick my son up and drop him off. If I brought my son over and they looked stoned or acted stoned, I wouldn't leave him. I've been around many people who have smoked and they probably function better than me, lol. I don't know what age I will talk to my kids about drug use, but I don't think my approach to the marijuana talk will be the way most people talk to their kids.

[karne]

For me, the issue is really one of safety and responsibility of the parent, esp. w/ 10 year old kids. Many of our friends drink, but I wouldn't be comfortable dropping my kid off when the parent has cracked open the scotch at 11 am. When my child goes to another house, it's with my understanding that the parent is able to effectively and safely supervise my child. If that isn't the case, for whatever reason, then we don't send our kids there. If the mom is impaired a lot, then she can't quite be responsible for the kids. I'm not there with the idea of pot being an illegal drug and more, or as, dangerous than guns or alcohol-but that's me.

I would hate to see your son lose a friend over this. Good friends are hard to find. I'd find a way to support the relationship other than having him go to the girl's house.

[chiromamma]

Ok pot is one thing. I smoked every day for 20 years.I'm no longer into it and don't understand my 40-50 yo peers who still partake. I also don't consider it acceptable or normal for teens to get high on a regular basis.
However...
The painkiller abuse is what alarms me. Prescription drug abuse is rampant and causes so many deaths.
The combination is seriously concerning to me. If I were in this situation, I'd have all playdates at my house.
Depending on my courage at any given time, I'd confront the mom. This is not a safe environment for a kid to be living in.
What does your gut tell you? Is your kid (and his friend) safe?

[elmh23]

I'm not bothered by the pot, but the painkillers would mean my kid isn't going over there. Invite the friend over to your house and this way you'll be able to keep an eye on them.

If you don't think the friend is safe in her home, I would urge you to call CPS, the police or the school.

[AbbieB]

When I was 7 or 8 I told my parents that my best friend's mother smoked pot. I knew this because my friend told me.

My parents flipped out and never let me go over his house again. The reason they gave me was, "What if she was busted by the cops and they arrested everyone in the house?"

This mom was never high or doing anything questionable that I could see. She was a teacher at a very respectable private school. She was simply a recreational user. My friend was just bragging after he found her stash.

All this experience did was teach me to not talk to my parents about stuff that might flip them out.

As a parent I would never worry about another parent having pot in the house. If I dropped of my child and the parent was high, or my child reported back witnessing drug use or stoned behavior I would not allow her to be there and I would tell her why. I don't think a visibly impaired parent is responsible enough to supervise 10 year olds.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by elmh23

If you don't think the friend is safe in her home, I would urge you to call CPS, the police or the school.

I'm also more concerned about the freind and her living situation.

[philomom]

I feel your pain. A lot of kids at my son's middle school have tried pot. I asked my son where they get it... it is from their parent's stashes. This is so not okay with me. Or my husband. So far, we don't let him visit anyone where we do not know the parents well.

And don't start on me about how pot is no biggie. Once you do illegal thing.. I think your are more prone to bend the rules/laws anyway you please. The laws exist to help protect all of us from harm.

[cymbeline]

Pot is "a biggie" to me too. Personally, I don't think pot should be illegal, but it is. And even if it were legal, chances are good it would still be illegal to sell or share it with a minor. For now, it is illegal, and I don't plan on giving my kids mixed messages about the law (i.e., if you don't agree with the speed limit, it is okay to go as fast as you want as long as you don't get caught).

So, out of curiosity, why are the painkillers worse than the pot? I would think the pot is worse?

For one thing, pot is illegal, whereas the painkillers are not (well, technically -- I don't think she's getting them legally).

For another, I don't know where she gets the pot from -- it could be cut with opium or PCP.

The kids could get into either if she is not paying attention or not there. Or, like my parents, she might offer it to them (my parents started smoking with my sis and her friends when she was 14). Most of the dealers I have known through the years rely on their unemployed customers to know kids so that they can "earn" their pot by selling it to others, so she may get pressured by her dealer to "share" it with her kid or kid's friends when they are older.

And if I were to call CPS on them for abusing a substance around kids, I might as well call it on half of my friends who have husbands that smoke pot recreationally -- as my husband says, liquor is out and pot is the new black. I grew up in a house where it slowly turned from "recreational" use into a "lifestyle choice" (that's what my parents call smoking it daily), and I can tell you that from a kid's point of view the line between the two is very blurry. I really feel for this girl, I have been in her shoes, but I have to figure out how to keep my own kid out of trouble first.

[chiromamma]

Originally Posted by cymbeline

Pot is "a biggie" to me too. Personally, I don't think pot should be illegal, but it is. And even if it were legal, chances are good it would still be illegal to sell or share it with a minor. For now, it is illegal, and I don't plan on giving my kids mixed messages about the law (i.e., if you don't agree with the speed limit, it is okay to go as fast as you want as long as you don't get caught).

So, out of curiosity, why are the painkillers worse than the pot? I would think the pot is worse?

For one thing, pot is illegal, whereas the painkillers are not (well, technically -- I don't think she's getting them legally).

For another, I don't know where she gets the pot from -- it could be cut with opium or PCP.

The kids could get into either if she is not paying attention or not there. Or, like my parents, she might offer it to them (my parents started smoking with my sis and her friends when she was 14). Most of the dealers I have known through the years rely on their unemployed customers to know kids so that they can "earn" their pot by selling it to others, so she may get pressured by her dealer to "share" it with her kid or kid's friends when they are older.

And if I were to call CPS on them for abusing a substance around kids, I might as well call it on half of my friends who have husbands that smoke pot recreationally -- as my husband says, liquor is out and pot is the new black. I grew up in a house where it slowly turned from "recreational" use into a "lifestyle choice" (that's what my parents call smoking it daily), and I can tell you that from a kid's point of view the line between the two is very blurry. I really feel for this girl, I have been in her shoes, but I have to figure out how to keep my own kid out of trouble first.

I agree with you about pot being legal. If it were, I would not choose to smoke nor would I allow it in my home.
The reason why painkiller abuse is more concerning to me is that most of them create a physical addiction. Not only that, but many more people die from prescription drug abuse than pot smoking. We've seen the high profile celebrity deaths linked to these drugs. There are many more "ordinary" folks seriously addicted to and dying from these drugs. The state of West Virginia has taken on oxycontin addiction because so many folks suffer from chronic pain and become seriously addicted. They are not good news.

[littleteapot]

There is a HUGE difference between, "someone who smokes pot" and "an addict".
This woman sounds like an addict (re: shame, abuse of painkillers) in which case pot really isn't the problem... the other stuff and her behavior are. I think this question could be more easily rooted to, "Would you let your kids play at an addicts house?". And the answer would be no. Not because I'm scared the addict is going to do bad things to my kid, but because I wouldn't trust them to be responsible if something bad happened (like kids hurting themselves).

But a pot smoker? Of course. That's really not a big deal, and completely different than someone who exhibits addictive and inappropriate behaviors their own child is ashamed of.

[mommyinIL1976]

I find it a little strange that so many people aren't worried about the pot issue. There have been instances where thugs have broken into a home (violently sometimes) because they know drugs are in the house and they want them. How would you feel if your child were in that home when that happened.

Regardless of how you feel about pot's legality (I think it should be decrimilized)....it is currenly illegal and has a strong probability of inviting other illegality.

[littleteapot]

Originally Posted by mommyinIL1976

and has a strong probability of inviting other illegality.

What? Are you serious? It may be illegal in your state - but that's completely ridiculous! Not only disproven, but... silly!

[LaLaLaLa]

I don't smoke pot, have never even tried the stuff; nor has DH. Therefore, we do think it's kind of a big deal. I don't want my kids to think it's not a big deal, so I probably wouldn't continue sending them to a house where my kid has reported that the adult in charge smokes pot. I don't want my kids getting the message that responsible adults smoke pot with their young child's knowledge. It seems to be a disturbing lapse of judgment for a parent to do something illegal and then allow that information to be spread around by their child to the child's friends and friends' families.

Anyway, I'd have the girl over for playdates, while deciding if something more needed to be done. I'd be very reluctant to allow my child to fall into the position of savior. If the girl needs some sort of saving, I'd rather be the one to protect her, rather than putting the responsibility of assessing the situation and choosing action in the hands of my child.

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by mommyinIL1976

I find it a little strange that so many people aren't worried about the pot issue. There have been instances where thugs have broken into a home (violently sometimes) because they know drugs are in the house and they want them. How would you feel if your child were in that home when that happened.

Regardless of how you feel about pot's legality (I think it should be decrimilized)....it is currenly illegal and has a strong probability of inviting other illegality.

First, it is decriminalized in many states already.
Second the idea that "thugs" would break into someone's house to steal a personal stash is ridiculous at best. Now someone breaking in to someone's house to steal a lot of painkillers (meaning more than the average person) is quite realisitic, if these "thugs" knew about the pills. People don't have their homes broken into because of a private stash that would be worth less than 60 bucks on the street. I'm sorry I just can't stand the misinformation sometimes...

As some PP have said, I would be seriously worried about the pill issue. However, pot is less harmful than alcohol (anyone see the news about the mom who drove drunk with a bunch of kids in the car and killed half of them?) and I very much doubt all of you are not letting your children go to friends houses beacuse the parents have booze. Any responsible parent wouldn't smoke in the presence or when having to watch their children or other children. I know some will say but its illegal and that is that. Well then I seriously hope you people never ever speed in your life or roll through a stop sign or give a prescription ibuprofen to a family member because you are then guilty of breaking the law and need to get off your moral high horse.

[MariaMadly]

DH and I are non-users. I'm pro-legalization. I wouldn't have had a problem at any point with my kids at a house re possession. But I agree with PPs about supervision: an adult, especially with younger children around, needs to be unimpaired (and when our kids were younger DH and I made it a point to have one of us sober and "on" should they need something). Once the kids are older, they may not need supervision so much as respect for boundaries. An impaired adult around children has some caregiving implications, and I think grownups should take care of kids -- not the other way around.

We always tried to have general conversations about other peoples' homes -- why do you feel comfortable there, what's the traffic like between family members -- and give our kids a universal sense of being able to ask for help if something becomes a problem. This covers everything from a parent whose recreational use is risky in some way to a parent having chest pains.

Yes, I'd be considering contact w/CPS, school, etc., for that family's sake.

[Kirsten]

I went through this situation as a kid. I didn't even know why when my dad first laid down the rule - no going to L's house. He told me he liked L very much and she was welcome to come to our house anytime - but if he found out I'd been in her house, my world would come to a crashing stop. He spoiled me rotten (I was a daddy's girl) and rarely told me no or made any hard and fast rules - but this one I could tell he was serious about. I never did go into her house while he was still alive - but did as a high schooler. I was ok, and never did try pot - there or anywhere else - but I understood then why he didn't want me there.

I am still friends with her to this day, so I certainly think the kids can continue a friendship without your ds going to her house. Have the girl to your house or meet her places. Of course you will eventually have to talk to your son about why this is.

And having been through it as a kid, and now being the parent of 13, 9 and 6 year olds, I wouldn't send my kid to a house where the parent keeps or smokes pot at home.

[mommyinIL1976]

Originally Posted by littleteapot

What? Are you serious? It may be illegal in your state - but that's completely ridiculous! Not only disproven, but... silly!

You are mistaken. It has happened in my area and my husband has investigated instances where thugs have broken into homes for drugs (pot included). Children were inside and were traumatized. If you feel it is safe to have drugs in your home, then by all means do it. You may think I'm silly, but you may want to do a little research on this.

Here are some links from just the first page of a google search:

http://stash.norml.org/4-men-invade-...marijuana-cash

http://www.thenewstribune.com/441/story/757847.html

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/articl...n110915D01.DTL

http://www.oregonlive.com/news/index..._be_the_m.html

http://lakeconews.com/content/view/10886/764/

http://auburnjournal.com/detail/131192.html

http://www.topix.com/city/garbervill...er-medical-pot

http://www.wftv.com/money/21288694/detail.html

http://www.democraticunderground.com...ess=389x245252

[mommyinIL1976]

Originally Posted by Ldavis24

First, it is decriminalized in many states already.
Second the idea that "thugs" would break into someone's house to steal a personal stash is ridiculous at best. Now someone breaking in to someone's house to steal a lot of painkillers (meaning more than the average person) is quite realisitic, if these "thugs" knew about the pills. People don't have their homes broken into because of a private stash that would be worth less than 60 bucks on the street. I'm sorry I just can't stand the misinformation sometimes...

As some PP have said, I would be seriously worried about the pill issue. However, pot is less harmful than alcohol (anyone see the news about the mom who drove drunk with a bunch of kids in the car and killed half of them?) and I very much doubt all of you are not letting your children go to friends houses beacuse the parents have booze. Any responsible parent wouldn't smoke in the presence or when having to watch their children or other children. I know some will say but its illegal and that is that. Well then I seriously hope you people never ever speed in your life or roll through a stop sign or give a prescription ibuprofen to a family member because you are then guilty of breaking the law and need to get off your moral high horse.

Please see my above comment. If you keep drugs in your home and the wrong people know about it, you are inviting trouble. I suppose you will think I am lying, but as I said my husband has investigated crimes of this very nature.

[NCmama]

Lots of people smoke pot. I am not one of them, but I know people who do. But you don't let your kids find out!!!! The fact that the daughter knows, and your son knows and now you know means this mother is not hiding it. Added to the fact everyone knows about the painpills. It would all concern me. I am with the CPS idea, I have had to do it before I know it is extremely hard. And I sure wouldn't tell anyone I did it. I also would invite the girl to my house instead of letting DS go there. What a difficult situation to be in. We cut off an entire family last year because we found out the worthless Dad decided to start selling pot! And the Mom condoned it with 4 kids.