My parents cut his hair! - Page 2

[deny_zoo29]

I wouldn't be upset about it. It's hair, it'll grow back! I certainly wouldn't cut them out of seeing your son just because of a simple haircut (no matter how bad a job they did).
I would mention again that this was not something you wanted done and that they went against your wishes. I would also mention that if something against your wishes happens again then you may have to reevaluate them having him alone. But then I would just leave it at that. Good Luck!

[KimberlyD0]

Originally Posted by SunshineJ

This. You stated that whenever they'd mention your son needed a haircut you basically told them that you agreed but he wouldn't sit still for it. Honestly they probably thought they were helping in that you just didn't want to deal with it based on what you had told them previously. Had you stated something to the effect of "no, we don't want his hair cut at this time, and that's something WE want to do" it would totally different. Unless there's more history here that we don't know, I don't see any control issues, just grandparents who were trying to help out and ended up making a mistake because of unclear communication. No one should "pay" for this, and I think that attitude is not only petty but one that will only serve to damage and not strengthen any future relationships with your parents and whomever else it is employed with.

when you used the "he wont sit still" card they probably thought that was the real reason and that it wasn't a big deal to cut it. They probably did feel they were helping you out because he would sit still for them or something.

By not saying you were waiting for X,Y,Z, it kind of got set up. You kind of lied by the sound of it (not accusing you of anything bad), but when you lie things go bad. (thats what we teach are kids too )

[limabean]

I would be irked, but I wouldn't feel betrayed or furious or anything. These are your parents, who you say you have a good relationship with! I can't imagine even considering cutting my mother off from her grandkids because we had a misunderstanding and she overstepped. I wouldn't even stop leaving her alone with the kids -- I would just talk to her and say that some things are big "firsts" that I really want to be there for, so to please check with me in the future before doing anything like that.

If this was one component of a larger, toxic relationship, I would feel very differently, but as an isolated incident within a loving, peaceful relationship I just don't think it's a giant deal.

Your DH seems to be the one who is having such a strong reaction to this -- does he have other issues with your parents that would make him feel so betrayed by a haircut?

ETA: For full disclosure, I'm not sentimental about hair at all -- if one of my kids got hold of the scissors and cut their own hair, I would be more upset about the fact that they were alone with scissors than the fact that their hair was messed up. I'd take a picture, laugh it off, and move on. I realize that some people are much more emotionally attached to hair, so if that's how your family is, I can see how this would be upsetting, but I still would never entertain the idea of cutting off contact.

[theatermom]

I would definitely be upset about it, and see this as a boundary issue. No one should cut another person's hair without explicit permission from that person or his/her primary caregiver. Period. Assuming that they won't mind isn't good enough. I would definitely talk to your parents (probably without Dh until he has cooled off) about boundaries/etc.

I *am* concerned a bit about the idea of "punishing" grandparents. I feel like your Dh may be using this particular incident to justify dealing harshly with your parents. It just seems a bit over the top to be considering cutting your parents out of your son's life as a punishment for an unsolicited hair cut, larger issues notwithstanding.

[EFmom]

I guess the idea of "punishment" for your parents kind of sticks in my craw.

I do think they were out of line, and I wouldn't trust them to babysit again. I'd bring the child to visit, but not leave him alone with them. But I also think of people babysitting my kids as doing me a favor, not me doing them a favor.

[somelady]

I definitely think they thought they were helping. I think at this point I'm almost more angry about my mom's hairsplitting and lawyerism than anything else. They've been good about following instructions, but I worry about if we let them babysit again something else ridiculous that it didn't occur to me to tell them to do/not do will come up.

DH definitely sees it as a control grab. I'm not sure who's right. I know them better and was the one to actually talk to them about it, but then people always seem to have a blind spot when it comes to their parents.

[somelady]

Originally Posted by KimberlyD0

when you used the "he wont sit still" card they probably thought that was the real reason and that it wasn't a big deal to cut it. They probably did feel they were helping you out because he would sit still for them or something.

By not saying you were waiting for X,Y,Z, it kind of got set up. You kind of lied by the sound of it (not accusing you of anything bad), but when you lie things go bad. (thats what we teach are kids too )

I dunno, we never really made any sort of decision about it, that was just the first thing that occurred to me when my parents mentioned it the first time. It never occurred to me that I'd have to tell someone to not cut his hair.

[bethanymama]

my mom did this, too

My mom watches my sister's kids (my niece, now 5, and nephew, 2.5) while my sister works 3 days/week, down the street from their house. About a year ago, she cut my nephew's hair, and it had never been cut before. My sister was VERY mad, and my mom felt HORRIBLE afterward, but she really thought she was helping when she did it. I can't imagine the fallout if my sister had decided to "punish" my parents by not letting them watch her kids, let alone see them. They would have been devastated. Please don't do this your parents!! My mom was punished enough just knowing how mad my sister was. In the future, try to be VERY clear about your expectations. My mom tries really hard to do what my sister wants, but if my sister is not clear, it's possible that my mom might make a different choice than she would have.

FWIW, I think she *might* have done the same thing for a girl if her hair was getting in her face. But maybe not for a first haircut where there wasn't really a "style" established first.

[JudiAU]

There are two schools of thought here and I think they reflect on the individual user's family experiences. Have your parents been loving parents and grandparents in the past? do they take good and loving care of DS when she is with them? Do they generally respect your wishes but there was a miscommunication?

Or are they none of above, always but their wishes above yours, and play passive aggressive games?

I can really see it being either way, it just depends on what your past experiences are.

[boheime]

"Punishing" someone really strikes me as wrong (we are a consensually living family and talk things out with our kids). I would say supervised visits might be in order. I wouldn't leave my child alone with someone I didn't trust. If you are angry with them, a cooling off period where you don't see them for a while wouldn't be out of line. However, I don't think this incident is worthy of cutting them out of your lives. My dh's mother is a narcissist and his father in an enabler - believe me, there have been many things for which we should have cut them out of our lives, but we've managed to only limit visitations and never leave our children alone in a room with them. Hair cuts don't even compare with the stuff they have done.

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by Proud2BeAnAmerican

Life is too short. Hair will grow back.

If your parents have been loving grandparents and willing to follow your instructions in the past I would move on. Clearly communicate your wishes. Ask for additional communication from your parents before they make choices about your son that you haven't clearly discussed with them.

This. I could see my parents cutting DD's hair if I had something along the lines of I can't get to sit still or we might. They would just assume they were doing me a favor. I'd still be upset and we'd have a chat about not doing things to her without explicit permission, but if there had been no other weird situations I'd just chalk it up to a misunderstanding and move on.

[Momma2Gianna]

I don't think I'd cut off visitation, because the fact of the matter is that it's hair, and it will grow back, but that being said, it was absolutely positively an overstepping of boundaries, and if it were my parents (or God forbid, my inlaws) it would warrant an extremely frank, open, and honest conversation about exactly WHY I am upset, and why it is not to happen again. Make sure when you do talk, you make it about the violation of boundaries and less about the hair.

Of course, I don't know your parents...If they have done this type of thing before, or will do it again, perhaps lessening the visitation is the solution. But if it's a first time offense, absolutely nip it in the bud so it doesn't happen again.

After all - YOU are the parent in this scenario. I know it's hard for grandparents to step into the role of grandparent, because they figure Mommy Knows Best...And it's hard to realize YOU'RE the MOMMY here, not them, and they've been doing it a while so it may be hard to relinquish the title.

Good luck!!

[Barefoot~Baker]

On one hand, I would be FURIOUS if my parents cut any of my children's hair without permission. However, if it really was a misunderstanding, I would just let them know how I felt about it, and let it go. I would also remember to be completely clear on issues that I have strong feelings about when it comes to them watching my children.

They don't need punishment. You and your dh need to let this go. You said you have a good relationship with them, don't make things difficult by being spiteful and unforgiving.

[jacie87]

I'd be very upset. There are certain family members who I am hesitant to leave DD alone with because of their constant insistance that she needs her bangs cut. YES I know they're long. YES I know they're in her eyes when not tied back. NO I don't want you to "trim" them for me!!! People have said several times (mostly MIL and my mom, but a few others too on) "I should just cut these bangs for you." And I always make it very clear that I do not want that at all. I would be super super upset and probably give the silent treatment for a short while if they went against my wishes.

[zacharysmom]

i would feel very violated. i would make my feeling very known. telling them to a point they over stepped grandparents rights. a sucker or dougnut not a big deal not my choice but they are grand parents a hair cut um yes id be livid ( and for the record i have had this battle for a while DS had never had a hiar cut a trim a few and he is 13) but while mom may tease me im sure she ould never over step my lines like that.

[greeneyedmama]

Oh my goodness. Coincidentally, my neighbor is super pissed about this subject. She has a 10 month old son. He had longish hair, tons of gorgeous curls. Well, her grandmother didn't like it and despite knowing dc's mom did, she cut it ALL off yesterday, left about 1/2 inch! He'd never even had a cut.

[becoming]

It sounds to me that they thought they were helping you out. When you said you thought it would be too difficult for a barber, they thought they were capable of doing it and would do it for you so you wouldn't have to worry about it. I agree with the PPs who have said life is way too short to cut your child's grandparents (who otherwise sound very helpful and loving) out of his life because of hair. Your DH's reaction seems really, really over-the-top to me -- does he already not like your parents and want them out of your lives? It seems bizarre to me to suggest completely cutting your wife's parents/your child's grandparents out of your lives because of a haircut.

[momo7]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. lt always sucks when g-parents go around us and do things we'd rather they didn't do. This sort of thing has happened to me as well and if I were in your shoes I would be angry too.

Your little guy's hair WILL grow back.

There are alot more things I would "punish" the g-parents for but this is not one of them. If it were me I would tell them if they ever want to see or be around their grandson again then they should ask you for a firm, real answer before they take it upon themselves to "interfere" like that again.

I learned a long time ago that when it comes to the g-parents I have to learn to pick which of the battles are worth fighting for. They really love the children and the things they do are not done with malice and that's the difference there.....

I don't think what happened with your son was done maliciously....it was just them trying to be helpful in whatever way they thought they were.

I hope you guys work it out, it would be sad if your son lost contact with them because of something that will eventually correct itself.

[Phantome]

Well firstly, the hair will grow back before you know it. I think that passive-aggressive little ploys like not letting them see him won't work (they never do, really). I do IVY though- they went behind your back and came back with a flimsy justification (clever rebuke below).

The best solution is to just be honest, open, and direct with them (and to their face, not in an email). Tell them calmly and firmly that they aren't to make desicions like this without your explicit permission, say how disappointed and upset you were when you saw they had overstepped this boundry. That you understand there may have been a miscommunication, but in the future they are to check with you or DH when in doubt.

Say that the "You didn't say we couldn't do ____" argument is absurd- you also didn't say they couldn't feed him bleach in a bottle; does that mean that they have permission by omission to do so? No. And end with saying they've violated your trust to an extent, and even though you love them, if they go behind your back again you'll have to reconsider visitations, then ask if they have any questions.

I am just flabbergasted at why so many people (not you specifically, just people in general) find it so hard to confront an issue or conflict head-on and fix it in a polite, firm, calm manner, without passive-aggressiveness, snide emails/texts/post-its, or just sitting there stewing about a situation until they blow up. Everything can be fixed with clear and open communication! Good luck,

-Phan

[JL83]

You didn't tell them no.

Take this as a lesson that the next time they suggest doing something to/with your child that you be more clear. "No - we've decided not to cut his hair right now."

Other forms of this are going to come up. They will want to feed him something or take him somewhere and you need to not beat around the bush.

As for this incident. It's hair. It will grow back. They had no idea you actually objected to it being cut. So be clear with them but there's no need to overreact.