WWYD- Skipping School

[Megamum2008]

I'm going to keep this brief as I'm at school right now and have to go pick DS up from daycare, but here it is, we got a message from DSDs' (who lives with us fulltime) school yesterday saying she was absent from 3rd period. What is the natural consequence here? We are always telling her she can have all kinds of frteedoms as long as she puts in her best effort at school. She just started high school this year, grade 8, twelve yrs old... Possibly falling in with the wrong crowd, though they're good kids it seems to me. I know DH's initial reaction is 'grounded!' and yell at her, but I hate that... I have told her she cannot have a sleep over tonight, but have not yet been home and spoken to her about it. Not sure how to treat this one, it feels like she is on the verge of us pushing her away if we react too strongly, like we could lose the open relationship we have with her, but I am so disappointed in her...
What would you do?

[kathymuggle]

I would talk to her - find out more details.

Was it just one class or is this a pattern? Why did she skip?

To a degree skipping is normal - and not a big deal if done in minimal amounts.

If there is pattern or grades start to slip you may need to address it - but one class? Nah.

kathy

edited to add: whay are you disappointed in her? Did you never skip school or work (call in sick when you are not?). Disapointment seems a bit strong

[mild_adventurer]

Originally Posted by Megamum2008

I'm going to keep this brief as I'm at school right now and have to go pick DS up from daycare, but here it is, we got a message from DSDs' (who lives with us fulltime) school yesterday saying she was absent from 3rd period. What is the natural consequence here? We are always telling her she can have all kinds of frteedoms as long as she puts in her best effort at school. She just started high school this year, grade 8, twelve yrs old... Possibly falling in with the wrong crowd, though they're good kids it seems to me. I know DH's initial reaction is 'grounded!' and yell at her, but I hate that... I have told her she cannot have a sleep over tonight, but have not yet been home and spoken to her about it. Not sure how to treat this one, it feels like she is on the verge of us pushing her away if we react too strongly, like we could lose the open relationship we have with her, but I am so disappointed in her...
What would you do?

The part I bolded, that's what you need to say to your DSD. I would refrain from yelling and I personally would not ground her. I think your suggestion of disallowing the sleep-over is a proportional response.

Here's what you need to get at: Why did she skip 3rd period? Is there something you or her dad can do to help? Don't lecture her on the importance of staying in school or attending school. I can guarantee she already knows all that.

Tell her that you value the open relationship with her and that you would hate to lose that. Validate that it is normal and natural for teens to venture beyond parental relationships and that it's okay for her to develop her peer relationships. Tell her that you don't want to invade her privacy but that you want her to be able to always come to you or her father with any problems, challenges or fears she might be dealing with. Tell her it's okay, she won't get into trouble for being honest with you about those challenges. Also, I think it's okay for you to tell her that you're disappointed in her.

I would also involve her in discussing what the consequences will be the next time she misses class. What does she think an appropriate consequence is? For now, missing the sleepover seems appropriate to me.

And whatever her reason for missing class is, check in with her in a few days or a week and ask her if it's better.

Good luck!

[Oriole]

If she is otherwise a good kid, I would start on the light foot and a bit of humor. With something like "Was it at least worth getting in trouble for? What in the world were you thinking?"

Hopefully, she will tell you where she was, why she skipped and what she did... Anyway, I would also ask her to brainstorm her own consequences until dinner. What would she do if her child did it? If she can't come up with anything that you feel comfortable with - then she would have to deal with whatever you think up is appropriate. Then in the evening, I would have a serious talk about peer pressure, your worries, and her responsibilities and priviledges as you see them connected. I would gauge the level of consequences she is to face based upon her involvement in the discussion. Was she responsive? Was there any sign of remorse? Does she seem to "get" it?

My first concern would not be her grades, but what the heck she is doing when she is skipping. There is much more serious trouble than bad grades for the kids of high school age out there. It might be much more serious problem two years down the road.

[BedHead]

Originally Posted by Oriole

If she is otherwise a good kid, I would start on the light foot and a bit of humor. With something like "Was it at least worth getting in trouble for? What in the world were you thinking?"

This approach makes a lot of sense to me, and is pretty much what I did with my kids. Although I never really saw skipping school as a big deal, especially once they reached high school. One of my sons skipped pretty much the entire 7th and 8th grades, and he graduated on time. My daughter is skipping school entirely now!

[nextcommercial]

I would check first. I get that call at least four times a year, and my child was in her class... but, was mistakenly marked absent. I let my daughter handle it with her teacher. They usually work it out, and the absense is excused.

Beyond that, I wouldn't have a huge fit if my daughter skipped one class here and there. I would get upset if it were more than one, though. (also depends on the class)

Last year she TOLD me she skipped fourth hour so she could go to lunch with her friends. I told her "fine, but never do it again, and you have to deal with the makeup work". The makeup work turned out to be more than she expected, so it wasn't worth doing it again. But, she had the experience, and I figure she's old enough to make those choices. (Plus, she a super easy, and resposible kid, and the occasional skipped class isn't going to ruin her future)

[darcytrue]

I agree with finding out "why" she did it. Talk to her and try to find out if it was peer related or if she has issues going on. If it's peer related I probably wouldn't worry too much, although I guess that's not the greatest thing either. But if she has serious issues going on with school or a situation at school then that needs to be dealt with.

I was a skipper when in middle school (7th/8th) grades and especially in high school, and once I got a car at 16 I quit school. I wanted to workand be responsible for myself and I pretty much was within a year or two. I was bored in school and didn't like it. I feel for kids that possibly feel the way I did.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by Oriole

If she is otherwise a good kid, I would start on the light foot and a bit of humor. With something like "Was it at least worth getting in trouble for? What in the world were you thinking?"

I agree. a little skipping here and there never hurt anyone.

[aniT]

Schools make mistakes. Especially if they had a sub that day and the kids weren't sitting in the "right" seats. I would make sure she actually missed 3rd period.

It is an odd period to skip. For instance, I would skip first and maybe second and come to school late. Or I would skip fifth and sixth as they were the last two classes after lunch. But I would NEVER skip one class in the middle of the day and come back and go to the rest of them.

[mammastar2]

I agree with finding out what was going on with her, and stressing that you value having an open relationship with her and that it's important to you to know where she is during the day.

I skipped school a lot in junior high, mostly because I was miserable a lot of the time and couldn't make myself go. Lots of times, I'd just go home, or I'd call my mom from a payphone - so at least she still knew what was going on with me and we could work on it. And eventually, school got better, I still ended up with a good education and a career and all that, so it's not necessarily the end of the world, just try to keep the communication open.

[littleteapot]

I also agree with "find out what's wrong" first. If the answer is something like, "I have no idea why" and she's sincere, then I'd wonder if the problem isn't deeper. My sister's issues started with skipping. Problems at home left her anxious and really upset. She really desperately wanted companionship, from friends, from boyfriend, etc... skipping and hanging out satisfied that, at least a little. She wasn't really "doing" anything wrong, just hanging out. She didn't fully realize why she was doing it for several months, but it was an early sign of depression and home issues (mom not listening, not respectful to her, becoming weird and aggressive, etc).

[enkmom]

This may sound off the wall, but I used to skip 3rd period regularly because I never ate breakfast. My good friend and I had 2nd period together, and we would be so hungry and talk about food so much that once every couple of weeks we would just skip 3rd hour and go out for breakfast.

I'll vote along with the rest - see if you can find out why, and not stress too much if it isn't a regular thing.

[MariaMadly]

When my parents did the automatic grounded-type thing, it was because they were frightened and at a loss. Might your DH need a chance to vent and reset before actually working with her?

I would follow the wise advice to confirm her absence. Once you've established that, I wouldn't work too hard trying to come up with a consequence -- it's already in place. The natural consequence is the makeup work involved. Let her know you're worried for her, and why, let her know she's hurt you, try to find out what's behind it, and keep being there for her.

[Labbemama]

I have actually requested that she make up the time on a Saturday morning. If you get to 3 unexcused abscences it's saturday school. 5 and they sick the DA on you as a parent.

ANd yes lots of issues surrounding lunch and hating a particular teacher. And then there's ditching class to be with a certain boy. Oh young love. How we dealt with that was getting with the other parents and saying no dates unless they were both in class. That worked on dd's end but not on his. Boy was she mad at him and we heard her telling him off pretty good for skipping with his friends. LOL.

[MusicianDad]

Honestly... Unless its a major issue that is affecting her school work then I probably wouldn't make a huge deal out of it. I would maybe mention it in passing if it's only the first time and mention the actual school work not suffering and just let us know if she feels like not going to school or a certain class that day. But then again, DD only attends school for social reasons and we let her stay home if she is wanting to do work that's more on her level.

[nd_deadhead]

I agree with the others - the WHY is the key here. No one mentioned the possibility that she is being bullied in this class - that was my first thought - or perhaps there was a quiz or test for which she was not prepared, and she felt it was easier to bail out than to do poorly. Maybe she had a test later int he day, and she felt it was more important to study for that class than to attend 3rd period.

Next question is what she did when she wasn't in class. My son suffers from depression and anxiety, and there have been times when he has ben overwhelmed in class, and has gone to the counselor's office. He gets marked absent from class, but it gets straightened out later when the counselor tells the office where he was. If she stayed in the school building I would see that as much less severe than if she went somewhere.

You have a lot of questions to ask, and it sounds like you have a pretty trusting relationship. Use that as the basis for your discussion - tell her that skipping class is a no something to be taken lightly, and you wnat to understand what happened, so you can help her stay in class - or deal with whatever issues caused her to miss that class.

Good luck! Let her know you love her, you aren't mad at her, and you want to help her.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by nd_deadhead

I agree with the others - the WHY is the key here. No one mentioned the possibility that she is being bullied in this class - that was my first thought - or perhaps there was a quiz or test for which she was not prepared, and she felt it was easier to bail out than to do poorly.

This. I skipped English every day for a week in grade 8. Our teacher was doing a "drama" thing in groups where we each had to do a different part, and perform it in front of the class. I didn't like the kids in my group, and they really didn't like me. I was also paralyzed with nerves at the idea of getting up in front of the class (many of whom also didn't like me). I didn't know which day our group was going to be called on, so I just didn't go to class for a week. (And, while I did get into some drugs and things a year or two later, I spent those skipped classes in the library, reading Asterix comics and SF novels. Kids who cut class aren't automatically out necking or smoking dope.)

I'll also add that the disappointment thing rang a bell. My mom talked to me for a long time after she found out I'd been cutting class. The only thing that stuck was that she was disappointed. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I felt like a miserable excuse for a daughter and a miserable excuse for a human being. Mom has since said that the only thing she'd change, in retrospect, is the times when she told us she was disappointed in us or felt let down. She didn't realize at the time that we took that as a reflection on us, not on whatever incident had occurred.

[skreader]

Dif. perspective

I never skipped school or a class a single time, except for "Senior Skip Day" when all the seniors skipped together & went to another town to celebrate.

I think that skipping school (or classes) is unacceptable in secondary school and should be avoided as much as possible in college.

What's the old cliche "Half of life is showing up".

So, if that happened to me, I would first make sure that my child had skipped (no mistake in the register). Then I would let my child know that it is unacceptable to me and the school and discuss the consequences if it happens again.

That said, I'm also know that sometimes kids get tired and worn out, especially after weeks of exams. In those cases, if my kids say "Mama, I'm exhausted today and just want to stay home" - if there are no exams or special things, then I'll let my child stay home and rest. I did this a couple of times in primary school.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by skreader

So, if that happened to me, I would first make sure that my child had skipped (no mistake in the register). Then I would let my child know that it is unacceptable to me and the school and discuss the consequences if it happens again.

FWIW, I knew full well that cutting class was unacceptable to my mom. (I have an older brother who cut a lot of classes and eventually dropped out.) After the incident I mentioned above, I didn't do cut a single class again until the last term of 12 grade (because by the time she got my report card, school would be over, anyway). Once the hammer came down about cutting class, I just stopped participating, instead. But, my sister cut classes a lot, because she really didn't give a crap about whether it was acceptable or not, and she didn't care about the consequences.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

FWIW, I knew full well that cutting class was unacceptable to my mom. (I have an older brother who cut a lot of classes and eventually dropped out.) After the incident I mentioned above, I didn't do cut a single class again until the last term of 12 grade (because by the time she got my report card, school would be over, anyway). Once the hammer came down about cutting class, I just stopped participating, instead. But, my sister cut classes a lot, because she really didn't give a crap about whether it was acceptable or not, and she didn't care about the consequences.

Neither did I. I didn't care about all if cutting was unacceptable to my mother. However she never noticed because I wrote notes excusing myself and they thought she wrote them. If I did go to class I didn't do anything. I hated school and I hated my "parents."