For 3 years, I thought I had it together...now I am suddenly lost!

[mom2tatum]

Please help! I am usually one to answer these kinds of posts...I always think I have a sensible response to these kinds of things...and now, here I am, feeling only half tuned in to my ds1's issues and need some fresh perspective.

I felt like I had such a handle on everything that ever came up for the past 3 years. Very recently, I am constantly frustrated with ds1...he is a wild man and he is OUT OF CONTROL in more ways than one. I am a completely attached mom with a very attached 3yo. He is a ball of laughter and joy and fun, but very demanding in every sense of the word. Doesn't stop running and jumping and talking unless he is sleeping - and I mean that, literally. What I used to just think was him being smart and creative, is now turning into sneaky, manipulative, dishonest, uncaring, Please ask me to clarify anything about our relationship and situation if you think it could help giving me advice.

Already I will ask to excuse my rambling...I don't know how much of it is age/developmentally related and how much could be dh going back to work FT after 6 mos off and more worrisome, and also the only thing that I can really control is how much is ME. I feel like him and I are in this circle of him acting crazy when I can't literally be sitting and playing with him every second, and me telling him to stop whatever it is he is doing and to go do xyz instead and then him not listening/acting MORE crazy and then finally - me freeking out! I have never physically hit my child as punishment...but I really wanted to today in the grocery store. It is hard for me to type that. I feel terrible. I felt like I had no answer, no solution, no natural consequence, no way to calm him down at that moment...and after he almost toppled out of the stroller and dropped/broke open a bag of rice due to his wildness that I nicely asked him to stop five times previous - I yelled. I actually used the word "fuckin" and that was the second time ever. The first was also this week. I can't believe it. And at the time, it was better than what I wanted to do, which was smack him . I am not that mom. I am not. But I wanted to scare him enough so he would sit down and be calm...he was not only loud and preventing me from pushing the stroller, he was being dangerous and I could not stop him - and for the record, I am pretty laid back and let ALOT go. I was upset at the time because he only cried for about 30 seconds and it wasn't enough time for me to get any shopping done in his stillness, and then he started acting up again - later, that part disturbed me because he is usually so sensitive, hearing me yell like that should have bothered him more. Why not? Is he getting used to me yelling at him this whole week? Is this becoming normal? I am not the mom I used to be...not how I want to be. Is it just stress? I am trying over and over to refresh my attitude and start the day over multiple times...but he is driving me NUTS! I need serious suggestions.

And for examples of "acting crazy", I mean:
*hyperactive is an understatement recently.
*hitting, kicking, chasing, cornering our nervous dog
*throwing everything off of tables
*throwing himself all over the floor
*literally acting crazy - screaming non words/flailing arms, legs/rolling eyes around, sticking tongue out and all over...

He is also not listening to a WORD I say. Normally, with some basic reasoning, he listens really well. Instead, he is blatantly ignoring me, or even better, laughing and doing opposite...and if I try to physically get him to come with me, for instance, he has even hit me/screamed at me, etc. This is all BRAND NEW. He is also doing a lot of storytelling ie lying. And I want what I want, now, and I don't care what you say...or I will just hide it from you, lie to you, etc. He is suddenly seeming like a 5 or 6 yo.

I need some fresh thoughts on all of it. I could say more, but please someone give me some ideas on whys, what I might be doing wrong or not doing, or things to consider, etc. I need help even just processing all of it. I am having a really hard time. This was dh's 3rd week back to work. He is gone 9-730 3x/wk and 11-930 2x/wk...so obviously this is big adjustment for all of us...but the first two weeks were much better - we were having these issues a little bit, but at least we were overall happy. This past week was terrible. I need a break from him tomorrow definitely.

Should I be thinking this is just an adjustment phase for him, and he's needing extra attention...but it will phase out on it's own? I cannot entertain him constantly - I have a 7 mo who needs me, too, yk?

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by mom2tatum

Please help! I am usually one to answer these kinds of posts...I always think I have a sensible response to these kinds of things...and now, here I am, feeling only half tuned in to my ds1's issues and need some fresh perspective.

I felt like I had such a handle on everything that ever came up for the past 3 years. Very recently, I am constantly frustrated with ds1...he is a wild man and he is OUT OF CONTROL in more ways than one. I am a completely attached mom with a very attached 3yo. He is a ball of laughter and joy and fun, but very demanding in every sense of the word. Doesn't stop running and jumping and talking unless he is sleeping - and I mean that, literally. What I used to just think was him being smart and creative, is now turning into sneaky, manipulative, dishonest, uncaring, Please ask me to clarify anything about our relationship and situation if you think it could help giving me advice.

Already I will ask to excuse my rambling...I don't know how much of it is age/developmentally related and how much could be dh going back to work FT after 6 mos off and more worrisome, and also the only thing that I can really control is how much is ME. I feel like him and I are in this circle of him acting crazy when I can't literally be sitting and playing with him every second, and me telling him to stop whatever it is he is doing and to go do xyz instead and then him not listening/acting MORE crazy and then finally - me freeking out! I have never physically hit my child as punishment...but I really wanted to today in the grocery store. It is hard for me to type that. I feel terrible. I felt like I had no answer, no solution, no natural consequence, no way to calm him down at that moment...and after he almost toppled out of the stroller and dropped/broke open a bag of rice due to his wildness that I nicely asked him to stop five times previous - I yelled. I actually used the word "fuckin" and that was the second time ever. The first was also this week. I can't believe it. And at the time, it was better than what I wanted to do, which was smack him . I am not that mom. I am not. But I wanted to scare him enough so he would sit down and be calm...he was not only loud and preventing me from pushing the stroller, he was being dangerous and I could not stop him - and for the record, I am pretty laid back and let ALOT go. I was upset at the time because he only cried for about 30 seconds and it wasn't enough time for me to get any shopping done in his stillness, and then he started acting up again - later, that part disturbed me because he is usually so sensitive, hearing me yell like that should have bothered him more. Why not? Is he getting used to me yelling at him this whole week? Is this becoming normal? I am not the mom I used to be...not how I want to be. Is it just stress? I am trying over and over to refresh my attitude and start the day over multiple times...but he is driving me NUTS! I need serious suggestions.

And for examples of "acting crazy", I mean:
*hyperactive is an understatement recently.
*hitting, kicking, chasing, cornering our nervous dog
*throwing everything off of tables
*throwing himself all over the floor
*literally acting crazy - screaming non words/flailing arms, legs/rolling eyes around, sticking tongue out and all over...

He is also not listening to a WORD I say. Normally, with some basic reasoning, he listens really well. Instead, he is blatantly ignoring me, or even better, laughing and doing opposite...and if I try to physically get him to come with me, for instance, he has even hit me/screamed at me, etc. This is all BRAND NEW. He is also doing a lot of storytelling ie lying. And I want what I want, now, and I don't care what you say...or I will just hide it from you, lie to you, etc. He is suddenly seeming like a 5 or 6 yo.

I need some fresh thoughts on all of it. I could say more, but please someone give me some ideas on whys, what I might be doing wrong or not doing, or things to consider, etc. I need help even just processing all of it. I am having a really hard time. This was dh's 3rd week back to work. He is gone 9-730 3x/wk and 11-930 2x/wk...so obviously this is big adjustment for all of us...but the first two weeks were much better - we were having these issues a little bit, but at least we were overall happy. This past week was terrible. I need a break from him tomorrow definitely.

Should I be thinking this is just an adjustment phase for him, and he's needing extra attention...but it will phase out on it's own? I cannot entertain him constantly - I have a 7 mo who needs me, too, yk?

Wow it sounds exhausting to deal with this!

I'm voting that he's reacting to the changes in his environment. Baby, Dad being gone more, all of that is a lot for a little guy, ykwim?

Can you implement some structure to his day? Maybe make a 'Today's Adventure Plan' poster board and some clip art pics of things like "Daddy leaves for work" then "Mommy and I eat breakfast", then "Go to Park" etc?

Also I wanted to add that at this age there seems to be a huge burst in energy. I really encourage you to get him using lots of big muscle exercise time, like running at the park or zoo, climbing, jumping, that sort of thing.

Well 'run' children don't have nearly as much energy to be difficult

Good luck mama!

[kimmypoo]

How much time does he spend with dad? Maybe they can get up a little earlier just spend time together, just the two of them. Or if he's in bed when dad gets home, maybe let him stay up a little later.
I hope whatever the problem is it works itself out soon.

[Carley]

Mama I don't really have any advice. My DD seems to have days/weeks like this since turning 3.. 3 1/2 has been especially challenging. I too had a month of Mommy Dearest & it was awful.

My daughter has *always* been especially... intense. From what I'm reading your DS hasn't been, so it's totally possible this is just a transition thing. I do notice a lot of threads about 3yos, though, so some might also be an "age" thing.

I don't know if you're spiritual, but devoting some time for myself to reflection has definitely helped ME. I can reach out to her more if I feel forgiven, understood & more peaceful... not that that describes me all 24 hours of any given day

A MDC mama recently told me she writes 5 things she's grateful for every day. That idea totally resonated with me, because I'm so all or nothing. Either it's an hour dedicated to gratitude or it's I'm too tired. Since toting a notebook around with me I've noticed a definite lift in my moods, which doesn't make things suddenly "perfect" but helps me be more at peace with how things are.

My daughter also attends a preschool 3d/week for 2 1/2 hours & that is really great for her - I don't know if that's an option for you, but it gives me AND her a nice break from the every day.

Sending lots of love!!!

[NiteNicole]

First, HUGS! Tons of them. Deep breaths!

I agree, it's probably several things coming together - a new developmental age and Dad's being gone more.

One thing that jumps out is you asked him five times to put down a bag of rice and then he spilled it. We have a thing at our house - I don't ask for silly things, if something really doesn't make a difference and isn't hurting anyone/driving strangers insane (you know, vocalizing at the top of her lungs might not really HURT anyone, but it can be annoying to others at the movies) I let it go. But if something needs to happen, I ask once and then I help make it happen. If she wouldn't put down the bag of rice after the first time I asked, I would have just put it away. I think once you've asked more than once and demonstarted you're not going to really back it up...what's his motivation to give it back? I don't know that three year olds (and I have one) really have a lot of "Big Picture" thinking or think much beyond their own wants most of the time (with some really touching flashes of empathy here and there).

Do you think he would benefit from you helping him along on things like that? If you're going to knock things off the tables, I'll clear the tables. If you're going to scare the dog, I'm not going to let you play with the dog (we have a small nervous dog who adores our daughter. I still don't leave them alone together. It IS possible to keep them apart unless you can be right there).

[LynnS6]

I think 3 year olds were designed to remind parents that we actually don't know much at all!

It sounds to me like he's got some unmet need for physical activity - how much time outside is he getting ? How much large motor time? A three year old needs an enormous amount of time to run and jump and be wild. With fall here and a 7 mo old, I suspect he may be falling short on that.

Can you bundle up both kids and go for a long walk to the park every morning?

I'd also look at his diet - has that changed? Is there something there that might be triggering a reaction?

This is also the age at which I found Playful Parenting to be really helpful. 30 minutes a day where you're focused in play that HE leads does wonders for my kids. Wonders. Playful solutions to 'issues' also really helps.

Kids, Parents & Power Struggles is also a really good book.

Finally, at 3, sometimes kids need fewer choices and more structure. Something about their increased understanding of the world overwhelms them. They want to control the universe and yet that's a scary (and of course, impossible) task. Making their boundaries a little narrower will narrow the universe for them and let them relax.

Oh, and I'd find someplace for the dog to be where it can be safe. Three year olds aren't known for their impulse control, and a cornered, scared dog could lash out, even if it's the gentlest dog in the world. For your dog's sake, find her a place to be where he can't get.

[mom2tatum]

Thank you for all your responses...I needed to hear all of it. I already feel better, but wanted to respond and update my thoughts so far - it helps me continue working through it. I will also get back here next week and give a real update after my plan is put into action. Hopefully next week we can get out more, too. Rain and colds this week didn't help, I'm sure.

Originally Posted by Theoretica

Can you implement some structure to his day? Maybe make a 'Today's Adventure Plan' poster board and some clip art pics of things like "Daddy leaves for work" then "Mommy and I eat breakfast", then "Go to Park" etc?

Also I wanted to add that at this age there seems to be a huge burst in energy. I really encourage you to get him using lots of big muscle exercise time, like running at the park or zoo, climbing, jumping, that sort of thing.

Well 'run' children don't have nearly as much energy to be difficult

Good luck mama!

This is awesome that you suggested structure. Last night dh and I had a long talk about all of this, and I wrote down a few things. 1) need a more structured daily routine 2) he needs things to do! By himself, with me, with me and baby.

I needed time to really think about it all. Writing it out to all of you was a first step, then thinking about these events, and what do we actually DO al day recently, and then talking it out with dh. Now, in reading the comments so far, I am figuring out a plan I feel much better about. I guess having time to think about what is going on has been really hard for me lately.

So far, I have realized:

*down time is bad for him. And he is getting way too much of it, especially for a super high energy very active non stop boy! Normally, we are out and about everywhere, I try not to stay in this house...but lately, with no help at all most of the day, and battling colds - we've been trapped in here more often than usual.
*me going onto computer or phone, even just to check email, is not an option unless it's really necessary. He goes bizerko and than I just get annoyed at his restlessness and have to get off anyway, but it just makes me AND him feel bad. I need to focus everything on making this transition smooth for him, then maybe get back to technology breaks throughout the day when things calm down for us. Anyone else ever feel that way?

NEED STRUCTURE. YES.

Originally Posted by kimmypoo

How much time does he spend with dad? Maybe they can get up a little earlier just spend time together, just the two of them. Or if he's in bed when dad gets home, maybe let him stay up a little later.
I hope whatever the problem is it works itself out soon.

Thanks, this too is important, I agree. They do spend the mornings together, so that part is helpful. He does not seem to even care when dad comes home lately, though...and HE ADORES HIM. I think this has more to do with the fact that he is fighting for MY attention right now...he stilll wants me to lay with him at night and help him with pj's, etc. Poor dh.

Originally Posted by Carley

My daughter has *always* been especially... intense. From what I'm reading your DS hasn't been, so it's totally possible this is just a transition thing. I do notice a lot of threads about 3yos, though, so some might also be an "age" thing.

My daughter also attends a preschool 3d/week for 2 1/2 hours & that is really great for her - I don't know if that's an option for you, but it gives me AND her a nice break from the every day.

Sending lots of love!!!

Thank you for everything you said. Actually, I do have a VERY spirited child. When I said this was BRAND NEW, I meant the hitting and the aggression towards me, specifically. Normally, he is definitely MORE of everything - but his biggies are: more energy, more intense, more sensitive, more mature, enthusiastic, more perceptive, more persistent, more analytical, more observant, more assertive - you get the point. However, he hasn't started this hitting and kicking AT me until this past week. That is brand new.

And, it is interesting about the preschool thing. For the first time ever, yesterday I wished I had signed him up for preschool for this year. I felt horrible for thinking it, because I know it is mostly because he is draining every drop of mental and physical energy I have - and the break would be lovely...and I never thought I'd feel like I wanted to get "rid" of him for a few hours a week. But, the one on one time for ds2 would be so nice, too. I feel like ds1 is so demanding that I barely interact with my baby. Although he is worn almost constantly all day, it would be nice to talk and play with him other then when I am changing his diaper, yk? Dh says I am too hard on myself, because I am an only child and don't understand that this is how it is for children with siblings...I don't know.

Anyway, the preschool lab at our local HS is where I applied to for next year when he is 4. It is wonderful from what I hear, they have a one on one HS student for each semester, for the whole 2.5 hours, 3x/wk, and it sounds fabulous, I can't wait. I really wouldn't send him anywhere else until then, and at this point I think I just need to wait probably - and it will be good, I think. I know he will love it. I just wish it was now. I wish I had signed him up this year, too. sigh.

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

One thing that jumps out is you asked him five times to put down a bag of rice and then he spilled it. We have a thing at our house - I don't ask for silly things, if something really doesn't make a difference and isn't hurting anyone/driving strangers insane (you know, vocalizing at the top of her lungs might not really HURT anyone, but it can be annoying to others at the movies) I let it go. But if something needs to happen, I ask once and then I help make it happen. If she wouldn't put down the bag of rice after the first time I asked, I would have just put it away. I think once you've asked more than once and demonstarted you're not going to really back it up...what's his motivation to give it back? I don't know that three year olds (and I have one) really have a lot of "Big Picture" thinking or think much beyond their own wants most of the time (with some really touching flashes of empathy here and there).

Do you think he would benefit from you helping him along on things like that? If you're going to knock things off the tables, I'll clear the tables. If you're going to scare the dog, I'm not going to let you play with the dog (we have a small nervous dog who adores our daughter. I still don't leave them alone together. It IS possible to keep them apart unless you can be right there).

Oh, and I see how you might have read this wrong. I didn't ask him to put down the rice five times...I asked him to sit back down and calm down five times. And he did, each time, for about 5 sec. I could not leave, which may have been the only thing that would have stopped the craziness. It was the final time that he jumped up in the stroller and knocked the rice off the canopy, where it was laying. I tried holding the rice previously, putting it in the ergo - wouldn't fit, couldn't work, and then decided that was the last place I had to keep it. My hand was securing it there, too, but he was so forceful. It was an accident, but still. I just couldn't get him to listen to me about sitting somewhat still. I am not unreasonable, and I am used to him being a little rammy - this was over the top...and all I needed to do was run into this store and grab like 5 or 6 things for dinner. Although, I did tell him he couldn't have a sticker from the cashier this time, because of him not listening when I asked him to be calmer. He was sad, but I said maybe next time, and I think he might remember that. ??? Wel'll see.

I hate those situations where I feel like I cannot stop xyz behavior and have no practical solution at the time. Ugh. That is new to us. Honestly. As spirited as my ds1 is, I always have felt like I've known how to handle it.

Maybe I also need to schedule a Tatum and mommy date every week, too, in addition to getting a break from him as well. Does anyone have any ideas for something like that?

[mom2tatum]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I think 3 year olds were designed to remind parents that we actually don't know much at all!

It sounds to me like he's got some unmet need for physical activity - how much time outside is he getting ? How much large motor time? A three year old needs an enormous amount of time to run and jump and be wild. With fall here and a 7 mo old, I suspect he may be falling short on that.

Can you bundle up both kids and go for a long walk to the park every morning?

I'd also look at his diet - has that changed? Is there something there that might be triggering a reaction?

This is also the age at which I found Playful Parenting to be really helpful. 30 minutes a day where you're focused in play that HE leads does wonders for my kids. Wonders. Playful solutions to 'issues' also really helps.

Kids, Parents & Power Struggles is also a really good book.

Finally, at 3, sometimes kids need fewer choices and more structure. Something about their increased understanding of the world overwhelms them. They want to control the universe and yet that's a scary (and of course, impossible) task. Making their boundaries a little narrower will narrow the universe for them and let them relax.

Oh, and I'd find someplace for the dog to be where it can be safe. Three year olds aren't known for their impulse control, and a cornered, scared dog could lash out, even if it's the gentlest dog in the world. For your dog's sake, find her a place to be where he can't get.

We were writing at the same time, I guess. This is also a wonderful thoughtful response, thank you. I especially like the suggestion of Playful Parenting. I remember a friend telling me about it last year when her spirited dd was 3 - so that is an awesome reminder. I have not been the most playful lately - I even have a sign up in my kitchen that I wrote last week reminding me to be more playful and have more fun with him - but I have been so stressed and busy, that hasn't happened much yet. I am getting it at the library today!

And, the dog. Oh, this dog. He is a nut, too. Traumatized as a puppy from numerous things...poor Toby. My ds1 LOVES him. But, he also goes to him in boredom and thinks its funny to make him anxious. So, I've always removed the dog from a room for a little if ds1 isn't respecting him/listening to me. But, the dog, will just bark and bark and bark when separated - he really has issues as well. We discuss giving him away at least once a week. And, I would, if my dad or another family member would take him - but no one will. I fear giving him to spca or a stranger - they would end up putting him down for sure...he is so high maintenance. We've had the dog whisperer here for over a year once a week trying to calm him down. I am wondering if this is a trend in our house? Hyperactivity? lol. Anyway, I do bring the dog upstairs with me if I go to change a diaper or lay ds2 down, etc. And ds1 just follows and continues...I even locked our upstairs gate (which is basically still up b/c of the dog issue) so that ds1 could not follow him up and he lost it - on the steps! Safety issue. There is no peace and quiet here! EVER.

I cannot wait to implement some of these ideas starting Monday. I plan on writing a chart or two up tonight and tomorrow and look forward to some serious results. I expect me to be able to change this environment and his behavior greatly.

Thanks everybody. MDC kicks ass.

[madskye]

Someone else posted about 3 a few days ago and I was remembering how bewildering that period was to me, too--all of a sudden my calm little peanut turned into this frenetic creature who needed to GO GO GO all the time (and didn't want to nap anymore).

She would freak out if I talked on the phone too.

All I can chime in with is keep an eye out for food/sugar reactions. I definitely noticed a few foods that equaled tantrums immediately afterward.

Another thing is to just up your activity and try to pre-plan your day. It's Weds and we will do this, whether it's a craft or a trip to the park or a class. More time at the park. More walking. Keep moving. It's exhausting the but the light at the end of the tunnel is FOUR and then, I promise, he will suddenly start playing independently and you can sit for a bit.

Also, I hear you on acting in ways that you never thought would happen. I lost my temper with DD two weeks ago and I'm still really upset about it. All you can do is pick yourself up, and keep trying to be the mom you want to be.

[Smithie]

I have to chime in here and beat the drum for preschool. Your kid is smart. He's bored. Let him expand his horizons!

[mom2tatum]

Ya know, I have been waiting a while to update simply because I didn't want to say the worst was over, but now a couple weeks later - I truly feel I got a handle on most of it, and the worst is over. We're all right...he was bored, he needed more...of everything. more activity, more interaction, more playtime, more busyness, etc. He needs it constantly. If things slow down for just a couple minutes sometimes, he goes bizerko...but yet, still not like those few weeks. He actually told me the other day, "Mom, I can have more fun now because I am calm, right?" "You're happy when I am calm, right mom? And we do fun stuff when I'm not wild." I am paraphrasing, but that was the jist of it, seriously. He is smart. He has taken a huge leap developmentally in terms of creativity, imagination, analytically/mentally processing things more maturely, etc. He has been a treat to be around actually this past week. He is making me laugh ALL DAY. We are back to our enjoyable relationship, for the most part. I hope he will never remember our awful interactions, that makes me cringe.

I am glad that we are getting his speech evaluated soon, too, because I am positive they will take him on for speech a few times a week...he is not being understood by strangers very well. I'd say, maybe 30-50% if that. So, that should also give him something to do a couple times a week, and he'll probably like that. I am anxious to get him pronouncing things better because that will definitely help him when he gets to preschool next fall...

I am doing much better though. We must have needed to go through it, because the day after my last post, we had a really bad couple interactions that I feel very terrible about...but it has all taught me a good lesson...I have such a responsibility in his behavior. I have the ability to CAUSE him to act in certain ways, many times. I want to keep my cool and do all I can to stay calm and not lose my temper. Preventing his behaviors from escalating is the key. however, when that doesn't happen for whatever the reason, I know I NEED to remain calm and still be gentle, and while explaining my own feelings building inside to him calmly, I keep reminding myself of this:

Patience will take you a long way as a parent. Reminder to self - deep breath, think how wonderful your child is, stay calm, be patient, remember what's really important, and repeat.

[Theoretica]