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I don't know what to do - Page 2

post #21 of 93
Quote:
I do NOT like the church ones, though. You have to sit through a service first to get the food or if you don't, they make you hold hands and pray with them that you will "find God." I'm Pagan, so it was just really insulting. After a few times, we swore we'd never do it again.
Ugh... I am Christian and that just makes me mad.

I don't really know of any other charities but we are also really low-income and these are some of the things we've done to make a bit of cash...
- Selling stuff on Ebay
- Selling stuff at my mil's flea market
- DH "donated" plasma and got paid for his "time"
- Selling aluminum cans to the junk yard
- I work 2-3 hours a week out of the home running errands and doing house cleaning for an elderly lady
- Adding affiliate ads to my website

Maybe you can find something like this that would work for ya'll and in the meantime if you do have a medical emergency, if your ER takes any federal money they can NOT turn you away for inability to pay.
post #22 of 93
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post #23 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post
The way it works is that we pay until it's paid off. The number of years doesn't matter. Legally, they can only take up to 50% max, so that was how they determined how many years it would take to pay off.

Also, because we are married, they take MY money, too. They don't garnish my wages, they take all my tax returns and my stimulus checks. I do already work. I just can't make enough to support us alone. We are doing all that is possible in the world job-wise. Him not paying it would just mean it would take longer. We want this over with as soon as possible.
Actually, you can either file separately, or file as an injured spouse. IOW, any $$ due you based on YOUR income taxes, etc. goes to you. I'm on the (not) receiving end of an order for supprot that grabs returns, etc. but if he marries, his wife can file for her portion and/or file including any children on her own married filing separately return.
post #24 of 93
I have heard you can go bankrupt for free, by doing all the legwork and filing yourself. I'm not exactly sure how - but I know that on my states bankruptcy court website all the forms are there to download and supposdly you don't need to pay a lawyer. Might be worth it for the lawyer though, no idea what kind of stuff they'll do to you if you file yourself.

Otherwise if you dont qualify for state assistance and neither one of you can work more, I don't really know what to do other than pray and play the game. I'm sorry you're in this situation, it must be soooo frustrating.
post #25 of 93
I'm Catholic and our St Vincent de Paul Society will provide food, clothing, blankets and sometimes furniture if they have it without requiring any sort of conversion experience or promise. I'm pretty sure that there is a similar Jewish organization.

I'm sorry that things are so rough right now.
post #26 of 93
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thystle View Post

As for the tax returns and stimulus... I am not sure if you would qualify but there was something about a form you could file as a spouse when the other spouse was having their money taken. I can't remember the name of it or if you would even be able to do it. A friend of mine had to fil when her hubby was in jail and another did it when the seperated, but I don't know what it was that they did. Maybe someone else will know? Maybe you could call the IRS directly and ask if they know if you can do something about that?



Good luck!!!
It's called an Injured Spouse Form and it allowed me to have about $100 dollars back from the $3000 that was taken from us. It was pretty insulting, but at least it helped.
post #27 of 93
I'm SO sorry! I wish I had some answers for you! The only thing I can think of is for you to do as one pp said about filing seperate returns. Also, maybe DH needs to look for another job making about $150 less a month so you can qualify again for financial aid. Not a win/win situation, I know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post
Yeah, we know where all the food pantries are. Thanks We had to use them when we were homeless and unable to find jobs a few years ago.

I do NOT like the church ones, though. You have to sit through a service first to get the food or if you don't, they make you hold hands and pray with them that you will "find God." I'm Pagan, so it was just really insulting. After a few times, we swore we'd never do it again.

Charity is one thing, but making people "buy" the food by trying to convert them? Really uncomfortable.
And yes, I am a Christian and it infuriates me. We got in a bind this last year and I refused to go to certain churches because of this. But, FYI, the Catholic churches have been awesome here in town! But they are the only ones.
post #28 of 93
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AbigailGrace View Post
I'm SO sorry! I wish I had some answers for you! The only thing I can think of is for you to do as one pp said about filing seperate returns. Also, maybe DH needs to look for another job making about $150 less a month so you can qualify again for financial aid. Not a win/win situation, I know.



And yes, I am a Christian and it infuriates me. We got in a bind this last year and I refused to go to certain churches because of this. But, FYI, the Catholic churches have been awesome here in town! But they are the only ones.
Yeah, he's been looking for another job for years now. There just isn't anything. Trying to find a job in Hawaii is like trying to win the lottery. Still, this area is the cheapest place in the country to live, so we'll stick it out and see what we can do. I hope he can get a government job.
post #29 of 93
I am so sorry (hugs). It really seems like there is no way out. The only thing I could think of was for you to divorce and then file for benefits as a single mom. Although it costs money to file a divorce. I am so sorry you are going through this.
post #30 of 93
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EarthyMamaofDaisy View Post
I am so sorry (hugs). It really seems like there is no way out. The only thing I could think of was for you to divorce and then file for benefits as a single mom. Although it costs money to file a divorce. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Thanks

Yeah, my husband suggested we divorce so that he could pay me child support and I could get financial help, but I just can't do it. I'd rather be jobless and homeless. I love my hubs. Besides, yeah, there'd be no way we could pay for the divorce.

It just seems like the answer should be right there, you know? The government aid office should just change it so that they look at your true income and your living situation. It only seems fair.
post #31 of 93
I know, it's not fair the way the government looks at gross income. We're on food stamps right now but for a long time we couldn't get it because they counted the money my husband pays in child support towards our income. I asked if they could increase our family size by 2 since that's how many extra kids he is supporting but they laughed and said that's not the way they do that. So they count that as our income, but don't give us the credit for the larger family size. It's a messed up system for sure. He's making less money now which is how we are currently getting food stamps. I really hope you find a way out of this mess.
post #32 of 93
I have a very unpopular opinion about child support and how men have NO say whatsoever in children being born, and how men are so often denied much time with their children, yet are forced to foot all the bills, giving mothers the benefit of time with the child free of most of the financial burden. But we shouldn't go there unless others here agree with me that child support often screws over fathers and, while a nice idea in theory, is so broken in practice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenn_M View Post
It's not fun, but I agree, bankruptcy may be your option. Of course then you also have to come up with that money, I think around here lawyers charge a flat fee of around $1200.
The Nolo Press books. I'm telling you, Nolo Press. Even has all the forms. Attorneys themselves recommend these books for people who can't afford to retain attorney services. They are thorough and have all you need and walk you through the process.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bobandjess99 View Post
we were in a similar up-the-creek situation a few years ago where dh was ordered to pay more than 100% of his income as child support.
I'm a fathers' rights advocate partially for reasons like this. One man I knew of was ordered to pay $4,500 per month for two kids on a gross income of $3,000. Reason given by the court was his ex-wife moved to an expensive area, and that much was needed to prevent the kids from sticking out like sore thumbs around the rich kids. So he had to give 100% of his income and live in shelters so she could live in Woodside, California (you don't want to know how much homes run for there), and live a wealthy life.

Despite giving literally everything he has, he's considered to be a deadbeat by the state because he's in arrears.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post
Also, because we are married, they take MY money, too. They don't garnish my wages, they take all my tax returns and my stimulus checks. I do already work. I just can't make enough to support us alone. We are doing all that is possible in the world job-wise. Him not paying it would just mean it would take longer. We want this over with as soon as possible.
Him not working would mean they could go after YOU for payment, even if you aren't the legal mother of the child in question. There really are times when the courts can, and do, order support against a step-parent. This is to prevent a legal parent from living off the step to get out of paying anything.

You have two options in this case. You can file married-filing-separately so that any money due back to you isn't joint. Joint assets are fair game to the court. Individual assets generally aren't.

Or you can divorce.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post
Yeah, my husband suggested we divorce so that he could pay me child support and I could get financial help, but I just can't do it. I'd rather be jobless and homeless. I love my hubs. Besides, yeah, there'd be no way we could pay for the divorce.
A divorce doesn't have to mean the relationship ends. It means you are no longer viewed as an official couple in the eyes of the state. Big deal what the government thinks. Be married in spirit, even if not on paper. You two have a child together, correct? That child needs to eat too.

To pay for a divorce, you can do it yourself. The fees can be waived with a fee waiver, also known as a forma pauperis (poor form!).

You need to think about your child. Which do you want more, for the child to eat, or for the government to acknowledge your relationship?
post #33 of 93
[QUOTE=Noelle C.;14573264][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]I have a very unpopular opinion about child support and how men have NO say whatsoever in children being born, and how men are so often denied much time with their children, yet are forced to foot all the bills, giving mothers the benefit of time with the child free of most of the financial burden. But we shouldn't go there unless others here agree with me that child support often screws over fathers and, while a nice idea in theory, is so broken in practice.


how can they have NO say there were there as well! further moire there are mothers who never denie time and or say no to visits who are owed thousands in my case over 54 thousand i would love to have time to my self but alas that is not to be. i live with my parents and am in poverty because i cant do it on my own with a chronic health issue. the thing is i always allow phone calls and contact ill even transport he choses not to avail HIM SELF OF VISITS. how is that me refusing to allow him time??? this is over 13 years of no support so i have had the whole of the my sons time but im also facing the end of the day when he asks mom why am i not good enough to have him call me for my birthday we tried to call him in this case it is not even about the money.

but for the record i also strongly believe that all parents should help raise and support their children both i with money and time.
post #34 of 93
Quote:
how can they have NO say there were there as well!
I think she means that the "right to choose" is only granted to the mother, not the father. A mother can decide to opt out of the financial and emotional burdens of childrearing, but a man cannot.

OP, does your dh have any relationship with his daughter? Can he terminate his parental rights? I thought you did not have to pay child support if you voluntarily signed away your parental rights, like in an adoption scenario.

I would also look into divorce, on paper only, if that's what it takes. Sad situation. Sorry you're there.
post #35 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post
The way it works is that we pay until it's paid off. The number of years doesn't matter. Legally, they can only take up to 50% max, so that was how they determined how many years it would take to pay off.

Also, because we are married, they take MY money, too. They don't garnish my wages, they take all my tax returns and my stimulus checks. I do already work. I just can't make enough to support us alone. We are doing all that is possible in the world job-wise. Him not paying it would just mean it would take longer. We want this over with as soon as possible.
If you are the breadwinner, your injured spouse money will be much more than the $100 you currently get. Also, despite what Noelle C says, I have never heard of any state that forces a stepparent to pay support, EVER. Are you SURE? I would consult another lawyer.

And, what about a legal separation? Would that effect the same financial separation as a divorce but without the divorce?

This is unbelievable.
post #36 of 93
No advice but
post #37 of 93
Mango hit it. A woman who isn't financially nor emotionally ready has a legal out, even if the man desperately wants the child. A man who isn't ready is stuck financially on the hook even if he isn't ready, if the woman decides she wants the child. This is what I mean when I said a man has no say. Legally he does not have ANY say EVER in this. We women have the sole choice, and men have to go along with it, no matter what.

Mango, parents can sign away their parental rights, but this is as far as visitation, which is generally seen as a parent's right. Child support, while it goes to the custodial parent to ultimately do with as she pleases, is generally seen to be the right of the child. A parent can't sign away a child's rights. A parent can make it known to ajudge that this is desired, but the decision is the judge's.

If this father has any visitation, signing away his rights to that visitation may backfire and result in a larger support order as he now has that many more hours to work to make more money to give to the mother.
post #38 of 93
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noelle C. View Post
I have a very unpopular opinion about child support and how men have NO say whatsoever in children being born, and how men are so often denied much time with their children, yet are forced to foot all the bills, giving mothers the benefit of time with the child free of most of the financial burden. But we shouldn't go there unless others here agree with me that child support often screws over fathers and, while a nice idea in theory, is so broken in practice.

The Nolo Press books. I'm telling you, Nolo Press. Even has all the forms. Attorneys themselves recommend these books for people who can't afford to retain attorney services. They are thorough and have all you need and walk you through the process.

I'm a fathers' rights advocate partially for reasons like this. One man I knew of was ordered to pay $4,500 per month for two kids on a gross income of $3,000. Reason given by the court was his ex-wife moved to an expensive area, and that much was needed to prevent the kids from sticking out like sore thumbs around the rich kids. So he had to give 100% of his income and live in shelters so she could live in Woodside, California (you don't want to know how much homes run for there), and live a wealthy life.

Despite giving literally everything he has, he's considered to be a deadbeat by the state because he's in arrears.

You have two options in this case. You can file married-filing-separately so that any money due back to you isn't joint. Joint assets are fair game to the court. Individual assets generally aren't.

Or you can divorce.

A divorce doesn't have to mean the relationship ends. It means you are no longer viewed as an official couple in the eyes of the state. Big deal what the government thinks. Be married in spirit, even if not on paper. You two have a child together, correct? That child needs to eat too.

To pay for a divorce, you can do it yourself. The fees can be waived with a fee waiver, also known as a forma pauperis (poor form!).

You need to think about your child. Which do you want more, for the child to eat, or for the government to acknowledge your relationship?
We had no idea how the system worked. We paid all her child support for years. We kept all the copies of the checks. We were told by the state that legally, that was ALL we had to do. His ex threatened us to never have children of our own and when she found out I was in the hospital with an ectopic pregnancy, she called and said we had to be punished. She lied and told the state my husband had never given her anything in child support and claimed we owed her $20k. DH had his hearing thinking he was so smart because he had copies of everything we paid her. The state looked over the paperwork and then essentially told his ex "you know, this isn't considered legal child support if you claim it was all just 'gifts.'" That's it in a nutshell. They didn't give us any way out. There are no words to describe how I feel about the situation.

So yeah. According to the state, it seems like ALL dads are deadbeat dads. They all hate their children and don't want the responsibility of their kids and deserve to fry. It burns me up that we live in this kind of a world. You'd think at least the US would make sense when it comes to this kind of thing. It's so sad

Thank you for the info on Nolo Press. I'll see what we can do and if it will help.

I know we could still have a relationship if we were divorced, but I can't. I just can't. My marriage means everything to me, even if it's only in name and I feel like if we were forced to divorce it would just be one more victory for her. I just can't let that be. If we were faced with homelessness again, I would do it, but at this point, I can't bear to think about it.

Definitely I can provide for my daughter, especially food. That was part of our reasoning to move to Hawaii. All the free food. We live on an organic farm and the owner lets us munch all we want. There's way too much for his family to eat We eat so amazingly healthy and I'd never let my daughter go hungry. If things got so bad that she couldn't eat, family would send us some money for her, no problem.

Thanks! You've helped so much!
post #39 of 93
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlemango View Post

OP, does your dh have any relationship with his daughter? Can he terminate his parental rights? I thought you did not have to pay child support if you voluntarily signed away your parental rights, like in an adoption scenario.
Yes, he loves his daughter very much and there is no way he would ever sign away parental rights. Besides, his parents also love her very much and would be emotionally destroyed if he did something like that so that they could not see her anymore.
post #40 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post
We had no idea how the system worked. We paid all her child support for years. We kept all the copies of the checks. We were told by the state that legally, that was ALL we had to do. His ex threatened us to never have children of our own and when she found out I was in the hospital with an ectopic pregnancy, she called and said we had to be punished. She lied and told the state my husband had never given her anything in child support and claimed we owed her $20k. DH had his hearing thinking he was so smart because he had copies of everything we paid her. The state looked over the paperwork and then essentially told his ex "you know, this isn't considered legal child support if you claim it was all just 'gifts.'" That's it in a nutshell. They didn't give us any way out. There are no words to describe how I feel about the situation.

So yeah. According to the state, it seems like ALL dads are deadbeat dads. They all hate their children and don't want the responsibility of their kids and deserve to fry. It burns me up that we live in this kind of a world. You'd think at least the US would make sense when it comes to this kind of thing. It's so sad

Thank you for the info on Nolo Press. I'll see what we can do and if it will help.

I know we could still have a relationship if we were divorced, but I can't. I just can't. My marriage means everything to me, even if it's only in name and I feel like if we were forced to divorce it would just be one more victory for her. I just can't let that be. If we were faced with homelessness again, I would do it, but at this point, I can't bear to think about it.

Definitely I can provide for my daughter, especially food. That was part of our reasoning to move to Hawaii. All the free food. We live on an organic farm and the owner lets us munch all we want. There's way too much for his family to eat We eat so amazingly healthy and I'd never let my daughter go hungry. If things got so bad that she couldn't eat, family would send us some money for her, no problem.

Thanks! You've helped so much!
did he not appeal?
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