not going to baby shower - burning bridges?

[Tear78]

Am I not doing the right thing? I am so wrapped up in my pain I can't tell anymore, and I just received a gentle reminder that I might be burning bridges in my family. The question is...did I burn this bridge?

My cousin got married two years ago and his then fiancee invited me to her bridal shower. I love them and gave them a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift with open arms. I think I got a thank you card, but honestly I don't remember. Since then, not a single peep from them. Every time they come to town to visit my aunt they NEVER call me, and it's been between 3-5 times a year.

now, after two years, I got an invitation to their baby shower. The sickeningly adorable card includes a handwritten exclamation "It's a boy!" and "Registered @ Babies-r-Us." I whole-heartedly internally decided I couldn't handle this and wouldn't go. Then my aunt (who knows about our miscarriage, and knows we're still not pregnant after almost 1 1/2 years TTC) calls and personally invites me to the shower. STILL no mention that this might be difficult for me. I said I would try to make it, thinking inside that maybe since I won't have ovulated yet I will be able to stomach it.

Well I can't. It's the day of the shower, and I can't do it. It hurts too bad. I got them a card with a handwritten well-wish inside and my mom was going to take it to the shower for me. But I didn't get them a gift. It's too hard, and I'm feeling too much like a gift-dispensing relative who they don't care about enough to contact for any other reason, including condolences. I find it hard to imagine they dont' know about our miscarriage, since my aunt knows. And we don't have that much money, so that's a factor too.

Today my mom offered to wrap up a baby outfit that she bought and say it's from us and that she knows how painful this is right now but that in the future we may look back and see that this is the right thing to do; that my cousin may think I'm sending a messaeg that I don't care. I have to stop now and say I LOVE my mom, and she's been super supportive through all of this, and I know that she's trying to look out for me. But I feel like the evil, dark, twisted monster of grief inside of me just broke through and is wagging its finger at me and saying "you're an evil, selfish person!!!" Am I so out of line here? Am I so wrapped up in this grief and sadness that I can't be decent to other people anymore? Please help. I'm shaking and sobbing so hard I can hardly type this. Thank you for reading.

I just have to add that I feel like I'm so angry and sad from TTC that once we finally get pregnant I hope it's not spoiled somehow, or that I'm not turned into a possessive b*tch over it. I just feel so messed up by this.

[goldfinches]

Warning: Pregnancy and babies mentioned - don't read further if this will hurt


I went through 5 years of IF before becoming pregnant, 6 before holding a live baby of my own. In those years, I became so sad that even the invitation to a baby shower would send me off crying. Luckily, my DH and MIL understood and offereed me comfort, but it still left me with the decision of whether to go or not. Depended on who it was if I went or not. And buying a gift - that was awful! I would usually make something, showing them it was from my heart, but getting supplies at walmart or target, not venturing into BRU.

I think you're perfectly within your emotional rights to not go to the shower. And definately the same with not sending a gift. My MIL used to give a gift and write my name in the card for me, on the occasions I chose not to make something. That way, I really didn't even have to consider a gift at all. So, I understand your mom's offer, and think it's kind, but also understand your point. I'm sure you guys will work it out.

People who haven't gone through infertility often try to be sensitive, but they just don't usually understand the emotional pain always lingering...

[abeecharmer]

fwiw, i think you are absolutely, unequivocally doing the right thing. it's okay to protect your heart/soul and sit out the shower. in the 2+ years we spent ttc and mourning a m/c, i skipped many showers - i just couldn't face them. after going to a shower and then spending the rest of the day sobbing, i realized it just isnt worth it. take care of yourself. period. dont worry about what distant-cousin may think.

sending

~ sarah

[notjustmamie]

A relative who never calls you, never visits, and only contacts you when presents are expected? Exactly what bridges would you be burning? It doesn't sound like you have a relationship with this person, beyond biological/legal.

[FtMPapa]

Been there, done that - I skipped the shower of a fellow having-a-hard-time-TTCer who is also a MDC mama just this week.

She completely understood, because she is a true friend.

I wouldn't worry about burning bridges with this woman, it sounds like the only bridge you have sends requests for gifts (I.e. invitations) from her to you.

for you. I know the ugly feeling, all too well.

In my case, I was fine until the morning of the shower, I even made food thinking I was going, and then just couldn't do it. It got better the next day and the next, and I'm mostly over it now, a week later. Don't be surprised if the ugly feelings take you by surprise and don't let go as quickly as you might hope.

[alicia622]

I think you should feel fine about not going. When we were dealing with infertility, I couldn't bring myself to go to showers. It was just too hard. I think sending a card is fine- especially when the couple doesn't seem all that interested in you.

Hugs.

[lovbeingamommy]

Originally Posted by notjustmamie

A relative who never calls you, never visits, and only contacts you when presents are expected? Exactly what bridges would you be burning? It doesn't sound like you have a relationship with this person, beyond biological/legal.

I feel exactly the same way!!

[Noelle C.]

Anyone who'd burn a bridge that is only erected when it's time to ask for gifts isn't worth the worry.

Furthermore, even if this was someone you saw often, even weekly, if this person cared, no bridge would be burned because you eotionally protected yourself by staying away. The same face in the corner trying to be brave would only bring the party down anyway. A true friend will understand that her happiness shouldn't triumph your pain in your own life.

But this cousin's wife you only hear from for gifts. Let it go.

[Court]

Ditto the last two posts... I'll bring the gasoline and the matches.

[NCmama]

Aside from TTC and infertility, because I honestly don't know what that must be like to go through. I will say that after having showers, I never wanted to invite people I didn't really talk to anyway. I only wanted my closest family and girlfriends there. So I am kinda surprised she would even invite you. So, yes, it sounds a bit like "oh, I will get a gift" out of this.

Skip it. There was never a bridge to burn. And I hope your day gets better. Sounds like with everything else you are dealing with, guilt over this should NOT be one of them.

[isign]

My heart goes out to you because I have been there and know the strength of the heart wrenching pain you are dealing with. I sat through a bridal shower of my soon to be SIL, knowing she was pg, at the bidding of my mother who said that I needed to be there for her. It was horrible, and I ended up standing outside crying through a good bit of it. You need to do what is best for you, and if not going is the best, than you need to stay home. My mother could never understand what I was going through because she had never been there. As much as your mom loves you, unless she's been there, she can't understand.

[feminist~mama]

I agree- no bridge to burn here! Don't go, and don't worry about the gift!

[Tear78]

thank you, thank you, thank you ladies for your support through this. Yesterday was miserable, and my head still feels funny from the crying. oy.

I didn't go, and instead I went to the park and wandered around the pond watching the beautiful falling leaves. It was exactly what I needed, and it helped me remember how healing nature is. I guess I need to clarify that the showeree is married to my cousin who I grew up with, and spent a huge amount of time with. That's why I'm feeling so sad and frustrated that he and his wife have not contacted me since their wedding, and why I feel like they only see me as a gift dispenser.

I feel much better today: she called me after the shower and said she really wanted to see me before she went back home, and could I have breakfast with her and my other cousin-in-law before they drove back together. (My other cousin-in-law suffered a year and a half TTC before their first, and I know she "gets it"). It felt really good to have them reach out to me, and I ended up treating her to breakfast. It felt like a natural gift because it wasn't asked for, and it was a result of meaningful and real connection, not just a baby shower gift-o-rama that was painful for me.

I also told her this morning that I really hope they will call next time they're in town because I really miss seeing them. So I hope that I took care of two problems in one here. Thank you again for your support. This has been an extremely difficult month to two months, and I'm taking it pretty hard I guess. I'm just sending huge safe flying vibes to my hubby to get home safely tomorrow, and I'll be happy after that.

ps - Court, thanks for cracking me up.

[Noelle C.]

Also, and I know it's too late now, but never feel obligated to send a gift just because you got an invitation, especially when the only time you hear from someone regards gifts. It's common these days for people to invite people they know won't/can't come for the gift the pseudo-invitee feels must be sent.

[notjustmamie]

I'm glad everything worked out so well! I hope you'll hear from them next time they visit.

[christophersmom]

I think you were right in not going. I can't stomach them. I once told a girl I don't do showers and she didn't understand, she didn't understand what I meant and thought I was selfish. She didn't because she never had to endure years of TTC and multiple losses.

Hope things are going better!

[JenBuckyfan]

Just a quick kudos to taking the time to acknowledge how you're feeling and what is best for you. I went to a shower and skipped a shower when we were ttc and although I felt bad, I would have felt worse had I shown up and ended up in tears because of my grief and sadness, especially on what is supposed to be a happy day for the mom-to-be. I'm happy that you were able to have some solitude with nature that day and that you were able to meet your family for breakfast. Those who haven't gone through the pain of ttc for so long may never fully understand what feelings are felt during that time, I think they do understand on some level that it's probably difficult and it's great that your family reached out to you and didn't hold a grudge. Great for you for telling them you want to see them next time they are in town, they may have just needed the invitation - the ball is in their court now. I hope you're ttc time period comes to a successful end soon and wish you all of the baby dust in the world.

[Kirsten]

I think you were fine to skip it. And I'm glad you were able to go to breakfast with her so you can still continue that relationship even though the shower is too painful for you. I'm sure anyone with an ounce of compassion will understand.

The only thing I disagree with is that she invited you (or whoever hosted the shower did - sometimes these lists are generated by moms or sisters) just to get a gift. Maybe she didn't want to assume you wouldn't go and be rude by not inviting you? Maybe she figured you'd skip it if that was what was emotionally necessary for you? Maybe the woman who sent the invite didn't know of your struggles? (sometimes one person takes care of the invites and games, another does the cake and munchies - you know?)

Keeping my fingers crossed for a good month for you!!