why does AF make me hate my life?

[redclover]

i feel like i have been feeling bad about this all for too long now. it's driving me crazy. after over two years and three miscarriages and nutritional supplements and naturopathic help, i am still very regularly having AF. and everytime she shows up, i melt down. i hate myself for DAYS. especially if she is a few days late and i get false hope. only to be shattered by the simple and unabashed unfairness of it all.
my friends all have new babies. they have all been pregnant twice by now, and most of them know how heartbroken i am. i can't even talk to most of them now because of it... mainly cuz it's just too much for me. and then...of course, i have an almost five year old asking when is she gonna get a baby sister...and i take care of other people's children for a living- two wonderful beautiful amazing babies- 8 and 11 months old. but they aren't mine. i love them, but at the end of the day i have to say good bye and go home.

it's killing me. seriously. after three months of not temping, i finally put away the thermometer and the handful of pills my naturopath has me taking to "regulate" hormones.
my partner understands- sort of. he hugs me and rubs my back, but at the end of the day it's my problem. he wants it too, but i'm the one that feels like a failure.
i just don't know where to turn with this- and i don't have anyone to talk to- mainly cuz everyone else i know is actually able to reproduce. everyone else's hormones actually seem to serve a purpose- i don't really understand what the point of being a woman is if you can't even do this one thing. it's all i have ever wanted. what the crap.
sorry to be such a self pitying moron, i'm just stuck.

[Tear78]

Originally Posted by redclover

i don't really understand what the point of being a woman is if you can't even do this one thing. it's all i have ever wanted. what the crap.
sorry to be such a self pitying moron, i'm just stuck.

No sorries needed. I'm feeling the same thing, and I'm crying out for answers. I don't understand it. I wish I had some insight to offer you. It seems like the only insight I get is from people from whom it's finally worked and they say "it's going to happen. I have such a good feeling for you." But really, they don't know. I don't know how to get through this. I'm sending you huge hugs.

[redclover]

thanks so much for the reply.
somehow it feels so much better to know that there are other women out there going through the same thing...sometimes this universe feels so lonely.
especially when you are surrounded by pregnant bellies and nursing mamas.
thanks so much, tear78.
you're right tho, those people who say stuff like "it's gonna happen for you" just don't really have that much insight. i have a good friend who actually told me one day (while snuggling with her three month old in her lap) that she was going to send good thoughts to my uterus. sweet, yeah, but this is the woman who is so oblivous to her own reproductive organs i had to swallow my own nasty response.
it's so hard to let go. and i keep feeling like i'm going to have to. it's the only way i can live through my days. and that is breaking my heart.

did the shower thing end up ok? did you send that card?

[Noelle C.]

I went through this, nine years of periods reminding me of what my body can no longer do on its own. I managed to conceive with IVF and lost multiple babies, and finally one is sticking, but I'm dreading the post-partum return of the monthly reminder that my body is broken and that a second child will cost as much to conceive as what "they" estimate it takes to raise a child for five years. Even if we don't want another, being broken hurts. Knowing the choice isn't ours to make hurts.

You don't need to apologize for the pain you feel from something so fundamentally important to the majority of people in this world that is just beyond reach much of the time. It's frustrating. It hurts. And our stupid GD periods only serve to shove it in our faces. "Ha ha! Another cycle of me torturing you with cramps, another cycle for you having to deal with blood instead of morning sickness!" It's cruel. How can our bodies with when it comes to periods, but not the rest? Why do we have to pay the monthly dues of a period without having a chance at any pay-back? (Not that a baby is tit-for-tat, but you get my point.)

The people who say, "It'll happen for you someday," usually mean well, but are lucky to not understand. Those who say, "It'll happen if it's meant to," I want to hit. Those who say, "You can always just adopt," I will never speak to again for their own safety and life. The turth is, it might happen. That's it. Might. And the second line makes it seem like a punishment because someone in the sky doesn't think we're good enough, and "just adopt" isn't so easy or possible, especially whwn the cause of our infertility might be enough reason for us to be rejected from agencies after paying a lot of non-refundable money (speaking from experience there).

The first day of each period is like being stabbed in the heart with a thousand knives while the rest of our bodies are both frozen solid and burned at the same time. All of this hits at once. All the hoping that this month is it, and hoping to not see a period, knowing a period means the end for that cycle.

It's understandable, Sweetie. No apologies needed for a "pity party" or anything else. You are human, you have a heart, and stupid periods makes you face that your heart has more love in it than people to give it to, and this hurts.

I hope you'll be able to join the third side. Don't give up. Take breaks if you need to, but as long as your heart leads you onward, don't throw in the towel.

[livinzoo]

I understand your feeling. I'm 31 and only been trying for 9 months. What I get is oh your not considered infertile till it has been a year of trying. But in my opinion since I am charting it should be less than a year. I know when I ovulate and we DTD for several days before and a few after to make sure we are covered. I HATE my period. I hide the tears from my husband because he is one of those people that says it will happen someday. So I'm stuck in limbo waiting out the next 3 months before I can get more tests done to see why we aren't conceiving. I have gotten them to do Day 3 and Day 21 labs (they said all is good) and a different dr did day 14 labs (which showed low estradiol but the ob-gyn said it was fine). Hubbies getting a SA Wensday. Other than that no one will help. I'm considering going to a different dr and lying about how long it has been. It is rediculous that a charter should be required 1 year like the non-charters.