Helping a grieving friend through a unique and very tough situation.

[Jelinifer]

I'm not sure if this belongs here, but I could sure use some guidance. One of my dearest friends lost her estranged father this past week. Their relationship was hard and over the past few years, my friend, her sisters and her mother all had restraining orders against him (to give you an idea of the situation.) Her father broke into the family home where my friend is still living with her mother and took his life.

Normally, when a friend loses a loved one I will typically cook them a meal and bring it over with flowers (or an Edible Arrangements thing if the bereaved is a guy.) I'm not sure what to do for my friend. She's taken a very "good riddance" attitude towards the event, so other than calling/texting/emailing to let her know I am there for her if she wants to go out for a coffee to clear her mind... and sending her a sympathy card.... I'm at a loss of what to do to help her. Anyone have some ideas?

[notjustmamie]

Wow. I actually had a friend who just lost her estranged father as well, though the circumstances were completely different.

I guess I'm big into just listening. If she wants to talk about him, fine; if not, fine. I probably would be on the lookout for any reactions she might be having to the trauma of it (not sure how gruesome the scene may have been) but otherwise I'd just be friends, like always, and follow her lead.

[MariaMadly]

A card along the lines of "thinking of you" rather than "sorry for your loss" might fit the situation better. Sadly, it sounds as though her entire relationship with him was a loss.

[Noelle C.]

She's likely in a state of denial right now. He did this in her home, which is hard enough, but when a close familial relationship is on bad terms, that makes it harder in its own way.

The best thing you can do for her is to let her know you're there for her and her remaining family if she needs you, and then don't push her to grieve or anything else. She'll do it on her own time and needs her friends to accept this and be there when she's ready.

A card is pointless. She doesn't need a physical reminder and she might hesitate to throw it away because you gave it to her. Simply verbally telling her is enough. Save the cards for when it's someone long-distance who you don't talk to regularly on the phone.