Experienced momma's what do you do!

[laws24]

I have a question for all you momma's out there I am a first time mom of a 13 month old happy go lucky litle girl She's walking all over now and busy as a bee. But it seemed like since the day she turned one she realized she has opinions about things and things she wants to do. Sooo the tantrums have started....I hope its what they call the terrible twos because if it gets worse than this I may loose some sanity...well not really but I will be ducking for cover as we weather it.
Well what she does is basically she gets in her head what it is she wants to do...and she throws a full out hysterical crying..if i put her down she walks away balling or she will lay down and just cry hysterically. And writing it down really doesnt do it justice but i'm sure everyone here knows what im talking about. And well so far the only thing I have that works is nursing or reading to calm her down. But my question for all of you is is there somethingI am doing to start this behavior and also is there anything I can do to help prevent it...I realize a lot of its her age but I am feeling....overwhelmed at times about wanting to be doing the right thing in these situations. Thanks for taking a look

[JL83]

The worst tantrums DD had were around 1yo. One time she went for close to an hour with DH and I and my in-laws trying everything we could think of.

They quickly got better when she finally got a few words.

We would always try talking to her, if I was there I would nurse her, anything to calm her. I don't think there's anything you can really do to "solve" the tantrum. At least, with DD, there wasn't anything.

Then we didn't have any more tantrums until recently and she's almost 3. Now we're back to the really horrible long ones and it's because she wants things that aren't reasonable. (Like for other people, mainly kids, to do exactly what she tells them.) I think it's only going to get better once she is able to cope with not being able to control other people's actions.

[violet]

I agree w/pp. Sounds like the communication is the issue. This is different from 2.5-3.5 yo tantrums which are more about autonomy. So don't borrow tomorrow's problems by worrying about what the next set of tantrums will look like. She might be very mellow when it comes to autonomy, or that might be years down the line. For now, just focus on reading her cues (hungry, tired, connecting) and maybe doing some signing for simple words that would be helpful, encourage language, guess, and the nursing/snuggle to calm things down. I would add that now as mom to #3, almost #4, I am much more calm and emotionally stable when my kids flip out. With my first, I would get caught up in their emotional turmoil and I think I reflected back to them some of their own anxiety, which now seems not so helpful. So you staying calm and loving but not upset/sad/worried/distressed/etc in the face of her unease can help.

I noticed with my 3rd babe that I was cheerfully responding to his crying fits. I was chastening myself for being so cheerful when he was so upset when I realized I enjoyed this now because I knew I was the one person in the world who could best help him out--I'm the momma and I'm really good at what I do. That's the sort of confidence I did not have with #1. But now I find that when my kids are upset and I look and feel like "everything is okay. I can handle this and I think you kids can too" - they are much more able to come around.

[caenach]

I'm not an experienced momma yet--but we do have a 13 month old. So I just thought I'd empathize a bit!

For us, communication is definitely the big stumbling block. Even when DD CAN communicate what she wants, it's tough for us to communicate "no, because..." to a little person whose vocabulary is mostly comprised of various animal noises (ok, not really, but close enough!).

Things are definitely more difficult when DD's tired, hungry, or bored out of her little skull, so we try to deal with those issues first and, if that still doesn't stop the little feet from stomping, redirection works. Sometimes. We do a LOT of redirection. Hey, look at the funny face. Let's sing Elmo's Song (again). Want to read a book? Time to go to the park/for a walk?

[ssh]

Tantrums are normal. They're the way LOs learn to deal with big emotions. Often LOs go through periods where they have a lot of tantrums. With our DD it was usually for a couple of months. Comforting is the best thing you can do, also identify the emotion or what they're frustrated with.

[simplemama32]

I wouldn't call myself "experienced" either, but I do have an 18-month old tantrum thrower. :-)

As others have mentioned, I try to read his cues about tired, hungry, etc. The worst tantrums happen when he's missed a nap or supper is running late. If a tantrum happens, I'm learning (slowly) to not make a big deal out of it or leap in to "fix" things. Depending on the cause of the tantrum, I'll usually try to redirect (like if it's pouring rain and he wants outside but can't go) or I'll just try to remain calm myself and nurse or carry him around on my hip for awhile (like if he's tired and frustrated at the end of the day). In the second case, I don't really ignore him, but I don't actively focus my attention on him (unless he obviously needs it, of course), and again, I don't really try to stop the tantrum once it starts. I let it run its course.

I've just finished reading Finding Your Inner Mama (great book, btw), and there's a quote in there that really stuck with me, and I try to remember it when DS throws a tantrum...
"...when they cry...what is it they really want? Yes, they want this particular thing, this or that, but on a basic level they want their mothers to be present with them when they cry. They want a mother who can stand in the middle of chaos and breathe..."