"Or what?"

[ProtoLawyer]

"SD, please get off the dining room table."

"Or what?"



"SD, can you please help me collect the recycling?"

"Or what?"


...Anyone else getting this? SD is 7 and this is a new development.

My instinct is to say: "Or nothing. This is not a negotiation. Just do it."

But I suspect that won't get me anywhere.


Any suggestions?

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

"Or nothing. This is not a negotiation. Just do it."

Yup, that is what I'd say! Although I'd probably leave off the "just do it", and repeat the request instead.

Does she know why you do not want her on the dining room table, and why the recycling needs to go out (etc)?

What do you mean by it won't get you anywhere? She won't cooperate with the request? I haven't read the "How to talk to kids...." book in a while, but I often use their technique of just repeating one word: "dd, off." or "dd, recycling." And there is the "waiting for the bus" strategy where you just stand there and wait, seeming as bored as possible (as if you are waiting for a bus).

You could try some playful parenting instead. "I bet I can collect more cans than you!" But, for the table, really, an "off the table" should be sufficient at 7, imo. Does she have appropriate places to climb, and enough active outlets?

[ProtoLawyer]

Thanks--she does have a lot of physical activity, at least when she's with us (I can't say for certain what goes on when she's with her mom, but I do know she rides her bike a lot there). There are two close-by playgrounds that we frequent, and the weather has been decent lately.

She does usually know why we're asking her to do something--it's not safe to stand on the table (that has table pads and a table cloth on it and a light fixture above it), the recycling needs to go out so it doesn't pile up here (she's read the Shel Silverstein poem), etc.

And I should add: The reaction is the same whether her dad or I (or her mom, for that matter) asks her to do something, so this isn't a "blended" thing. (And even if it was: If I'm the only one in the dining room with her, I'm not going to defer to dad or tell her to wait until he comes home on this.)

It is, however, relatively new...I suppose it's better than the "you all suck" song she also has picked up somewhere, but anyhow.

[maciascl]

Have you tried phrasing it as a sentence rather than a question. For example saying, "I need your help collecting the recycling." What responce to you think that might bring?

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

And there is the "waiting for the bus" strategy where you just stand there and wait, seeming as bored as possible (as if you are waiting for a bus).

This is a teaching technique too, only most pedagogical texts call it "heavy waiting." Works great to quiet a room full of squirmy highschool kids. Kids find it so disconcerting.

[spitbath]

what about "we're going to take out the recycling now!"?

[jillmamma]

Sounds like my DS! Except his line is "What would happen if.....?"

[nextcommercial]

Ohmygosh! I remember going through the "or what?" stage. I was about six-ish. I loved that stage!!! I don't even remember why... but, I did. Maybe I felt powerful and clever.

Either I outgrew it, or my mom showed me "or what".

I have no ideas for you. I just wanted to say you reminded me of my "or what" stage.

[LynnS6]

Maybe I'm too literal: My response is "Or I'll get really mad!"

"Oh, OK."

[meemee]

she is 7. reality and honesty i think is the key now. really important for a life skill. they really want to be treated as a grown up and really want to knwo what you are thinking (i am guessing this from my 7 year old and her friends).

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

"SD, please get off the dining room table."

"Or what?"

i am scared you will fall off the table and get hurt really bad. everytime i see you on the table i get butterflies in my tummy which wont leave unless you get off. i dont want you to get hurt.

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

"SD, can you please help me collect the recycling?"

"Or what?"

i am really tired. i have had a long day at work. if you helped me i would get time to spend with you and we both could do it much faster. if she goes on 'i dont really want to do it', you can say yeah i know how you feel. i dont want to do it either. but it has to be done and i'd be real grateful if you could come help me.'

this is my strategy at home. and it is honest. i have been in kinda similar situations like that. and it has really, really helped when i have expressed what's going on with me to dd.

we do take turns in being each other's 'remote controls' though. and she has made the same requests to me too. that she was really tired and could i please help her pack her backpack and i have said yes and helped her even though i was busy doing my own homework. its kinda a give and take situation.

when dd was younger i remember when she used to do physically dangerous things i would tell her things like - she might fall. its not that safe. or she might not. however if she fell she would have to take care of the owie herself (she knew how to) and couldnt come to mama for help.

[mammastar2]

I like a lot of the responses you've been getting.

It sounds to me like she's trying to tempt you into falling into a power struggle with her, and that your challenge is to avoid it. She's kind of throwing down the gauntlet to see if she can start something...anything that gets around that and keeps the tone neutral and 'we're on the same side' would be good.

I'd probably try to keep it light and say something like "what do you mean, 'or what?' We're on the same side, here. Let's get this recycling done, because it goes faster if we work together, and you're a good helper." or "what do you mean, or what?' Dude, no one wants to eat their dinner on the same surface people park their bums!"

[heartmama]

Hmmm. I really think it depends on the child. With my own ds I just would have said "The table lasts longer if we use it properly. Standing on it could break it. If you break the table from standing on it I will keep your allowance until it is replaced. I do not want that to happen. If you want to stand up high, let's find something you can use that won't break. Would you like to climb up and down the stepladder?".

With the recycling I would have just said 'If you do not want to help, I am not going to force you. However, that leaves more work for me, and I will not feel like doing anything fun if I must do all of your chores as well as my own". This is a variation on 'heavy waiting'--I included a short explanation since my ds was typically encouraged to cooperate if I *did* discuss things--however I know some children can get in 'a mood' where more talking just becomes a stalling tactic.

With my ds, a firm but serious response always worked. I tried to avoid a tone that said "I'm upping the ante" and went for a "I trust you to appreciate that I am serious about this and trust you to know we can work together to make sure everyone's needs are met".

[GoBecGo]

My DD does this relentlessly and she is only 3! Goodness knows what joys 7 will bring at thisrate. LOL.

I generally tell her the truth, and i ask her to specify "do you mean why have i asked this or what will happen if you don't do as i asked?" before i answer.
"climb down from the table please DD"
"or what?"
"you mean why have i asked or what will happen next if you don't?"
"what will happen next?"
"i will have to lift you down"
"oh. OK." and then she gets down.

Ihave also been known to say "or i will get really mad, because i have asked you four times!" or "or it will break and you will crash down with it and get hurt."

[seashells]

I'm still reading this book, but "Hold Onto Your Kids" seems to address this. The author argues that when the child is oriented toward their peers rather than their parents, they lose the impulse to obey/please their parents, and simple requests become a personal affront to them (and hence the challenges like "or what"). The author also argues that peer orientation is a social/cultural problem, not a shortcoming of parents, but it seems he has some ways for parents to help their children reorient toward them (I haven't gotten to that part yet).

[ProtoLawyer]

Some great tips, thanks!

[AbbieB]

Lately I have been using this response cribbed from a thread in the parenting forum.

"Or the trolls will get you, drag you into the woods where butterflies will tickle you until you pee."

DD thinks this is hilarious.

[3*is*magic]

Originally Posted by AbbieB

Lately I have been using this response cribbed from a thread in the parenting forum.

"Or the trolls will get you, drag you into the woods where butterflies will tickle you until you pee."

DD thinks this is hilarious.

And we say (also stolen from above-mentioned thread): "Or you'll have poop on a stick for dinner while the rest of us have pizza and ice cream."

[sapphire_chan]

"or what?"
"What do you think will happen?"

ask it once? Please? for me??

After that, how about just using "the look"?

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by 3*is*magic

And we say (also stolen from above-mentioned thread): "Or you'll have poop on a stick for dinner while the rest of us have pizza and ice cream."

Ha! I love it! I am almost hoping one of my kids asks this question so I can use that response

[mylovere123]

i dont know