Cry-it-out is on the horizon for my 22 month old if I can't figure anything else out...

[malayasmommy]

My daughter is almost 22 months old. She has normally gone to bed pretty well for us...bedtime routine starts at 7pm with bath, then jammies, then books, then we put her in her crib after rocking about 10 min. and she would go to sleep pretty well. (We discovered at a young age--4 months--that she slept much better in her crib vs. co-sleep. She seemed to be stimulated by our presence rather than calmed.) Within the last few weeks it takes us 1.5 hours AFTER bedtime routine to get her to sleep. She cries inconsolably when we leave the room, but as soon as we go back and pick her up she is giggly and smiley and tries to play games with us. I have read "No Cry Sleep Solution" for babies and toddlers, looked extensively on the internet and tried some tricks and still we are having trouble. Tonight, I tried laying down in the room with her but that seemed to stimulate her too...even if I did not interact with her she kept trying to jump up and down, climb out of her bed, throw animals at me, etc. Developmentally she's changing right now...she's definitely discovered the power of "no" and uses it frequently. Her language has been exploding lately (she's using multiple word sentences now). Additionally, we live in Minnesota and the weather has been rainy and/or cold almost everyday for the past month--a LOT less outside time than we had this summer. I'm at my wits end, she's sleep deprived, and I'm beginning to wonder if the sleep deprivation is causing more harm than cry-it-out might. I feel bad saying it, but can't help but wonder. Please please please...any suggestions????? I really don't want to, but I wonder if I'm not causing her some harm by doing this too! We have no other friends/family who do the "non cry it out" stuff, so that makes it tough...whenever I need to vent I get the "I can't believe you haven't let her cry it out" look. Blecchh... Thanks so much for your time in reading this!

[alegna]

Choosing to abandon a child to cry to sleep is never okay.

Time to try something else. Does she still nap? Could it be time to shorten it? Later bedtime maybe? Maybe try cosleeping again?

good luck!

-Angela

[abiyhayil]

Mommy's milk is a great sleep elixir if you're still nursing Does your DH fare any better, maybe he could take over?

[aricha]

We really struggled with my son around the same age. I was expecting another baby and really wanted him to be able to go to sleep without a looonnnggg time of rocking, back patting, etc. We "weaned" our way out of his room... stayed within sight but not interacting. We gradually got farther away. I usually tried to read a book or something to keep me from engaging with him. It was really, really tough, but I KNOW it would have been just as hard, if not harder, to listen to him cry-it-out.

He's 4 now and it can still be up and down with him... I think he will always need a little more sleep support than his siblings for whatever reason, but he generally goes to sleep on his own in his own room without coming out. He does sleep in the same room with his sisters, which seems to be helpful to him, even though they don't necessarily interact at bedtime.

We did the same thing with the now 2.5 year old, and it worked well for her, too. She's a bit more independent and easy-going in general, but we basically moved further and further from her bed, then eventually out of the room. We also let her read books in bed and told her when she was done reading she should close her eyes and go to sleep.

Sorry you are going through this. I absolutely remember it with my son as one of the most difficult times in his life. I feel for you!!

[nudhistbudhist]

Is teething a possibility right now? Also, does she have any digestive things going on right now, like pooping more frequently/unusual times? DS is very sensitive to his digestion and if he's not pooping on his normal schedule, he acts funny like suddenly very hyped up.

[Magali]

Is it possible to just let your LO go to sleep when she is ready? My son doesn't have a set bedtime. He just goes to sleep when he is tired. Never do we have tears or stress around bedtime. Ok, sometimes when he decides to go to sleep at 11 pm, mama feels like crying . But for the most part this works for us.

[echoecho1528]

Hang in there just a while longer. There is just so much going on with her developmentally and abandoning her now would just seem heartless.
Hope it improves for you soon.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Have you tried starting he bedtime EARLIER?

[ASusan]

Here's what I started with DS last month (at about 23 mos).

If he does not fall asleep while nursing, I then hold him in my arms for 7 minutes, sway and sing/hum. Then, I lie him on the bed for 3 minutes of back rubbing. Then, I leave the room for 2 minutes. If he leaves the room during those 2 minutes, I walk him back. If it's obvious he's going to blow a gasket during those 2 minutes, I go back in. I then start 7 minutes of holding/humming and repeat the whole cycle.

He needs/wants attention as he falls asleep, and I am willing to give it to him. Using the above, I am giving him what he needs. BUT, I am not giving him attention based on what he DOES, I am doing it based on the CLOCK. Eventually, he figures out that no matter what antics he pulls, I'm going to go through the same activities. So, even though I'm present for him and giving him what he needs, my attention does not serve to reinforce his (crazy sleep-avoiding) behaviors.

In the 3 weeks I have done this, he is always asleep by the middle of the third cycle, almost exclusively as I'm holding him. Once or twice, he's fallen asleep during the back-patting. Unless there is something interrupting it, it works. For example, Daddy coming in and saying something, or a coughing fit that turns into wheezing that requires the nebulizer are things that will throw the cycle off.

In techno-speak, it's called noncontingent reinforcement. From wikipedia -

Noncontingent reinforcement refers to response-independent delivery of stimuli identified (as those that) serve as reinforcers for some behaviors of that organism. However, this typically entails time-based delivery of stimuli identified as maintaining aberrant behavior, which serves to decrease the rate of the target behavior[7]...

The seven minutes were decided because when my sister was visiting, he would fall asleep within 7-8 minutes of her holding him. (His sleep-avoiding behaviors are reserved primarily for me and DH. He'll sleep for grandma, aunties...)

The back-patting is the way he falls asleep at daycare, and it would be an intermediate step between holding-to-sleep and leaving him in the room awake to fall asleep on his own.

The 2 minutes out of the room are for the idea that we'd eventually like him to fall asleep on his own. At this point, he never has, and that's ok.

[Smithie]

I did CIO a couple of times with my dd1 when she was around that age, OP. Alegna's right - it's not OK by AP standards, ever. But I wanted to share that my daughter did not perish and still loves me - and that CIO did not work.

What worked was a change in the sleeping arrangement - she now sleeps with her big brother. If she'd been an only child, I think I would have tried setting up a toddler bed in my room and letting her sleep there.

Other things that have worked for over the years include:

1. A CD player in the child's room playing Sandra Boynton.
2. A light-and-sound crib toy (even for older kids!)
3. Leaving the light on until they fall asleep.
4. Getting rid of the crib, putting the mattress on the floor and creating a secure Montessori nursery where the child can safely play until they fell asleep.

[VTmamadownsouth]

DS is 21 months and has just recently changed in a few ways, so I thought I'd share them in case they sound familiar. He's gone backwards in terms of seperation anxiety from me. Just 6 weeks ago he'd happily trot off with my either grandpa or grandma, or run to DH when he walked through the door. Now he's back to wanting only me most of the time. He's also started tantruming more.

Seems like this age might bring some new behavioral changes. DS has awlays been an awful sleeper, so I haven't noticed the changes mainfest themselves there, but maybe you're LO is changing in terms of sleep needs.

Another thought I wanted to share is that sometimes it's harder to deal with regressions than if you'd never seen improvement. I know that when DS was very little I was up in the night for 3+ hours every night. We've improved from there, so if there's ever a night or two when he's awake in the night again, it drives me absolutly crazy. Making steps backward is SOOOO hard. But rememeber, if it improved once, it will again.

[KristaDJ]

Maybe she isn't tired. I'd try spending time with her playing and cuddling in the evening and then start bedtime an hour later. She should be exhausted and go to sleep.

[InchByInch]

Didn't read the other replies (ironically, I have to hurry so as to get my kids in bed), so my apologies if this is repetitive advice. Just wanted to say that both my girls outgrew the need for naps around 18-months to 2-years-old. It took me a while to realize this since that's not the norm for kids (at least, the kids I know), but once I let go of the notion that they had to have a nap every day, they had no trouble going to bed every evening. Prior to that, they fought both the nap and going to sleep at night. There's a definite adjustment period to this, though; it took about a week or two for each girl to get used to a longer day. They would get cranky around 5:30 to 6, and we couldn't go anywhere in the car or they'd fall asleep. Once that week was over, though, we were all golden; I'm so glad we found our way on that one. We have a solid bedtime routine, and that definitely helps, too. Here's sending warm wishes that things work out for you as well!

[jtbuko]

You could try reading dc to sleep each night. It has worked well for me before with kids that age.

[lesliesara63]

I don't have a solution but my 23 mth dd is having lots of sleep problems too. She goes to bed at night ok. We started nightweaning two months ago, by having dh take over night time and it was going ok. She was sleeping all night about 50% of the time. The last two weeks have been hell though! She is up for ages in the night crying and crying no matter what he does. One night out of desperation he let her watch Dora so he could sleep on the couch. I understand the desperation but it wasn't a good plan. Now she wants to do that and is freaking out even more at night. He's exhausted and I'm rady to start nightnursing again which is NOT what I want. However if I recall from my older dd this age was really hard, but it will pass.

[sept15lija]

What about possibly moving her to a bed instead of the crib? I lie down with DS (21 months) at night and my tactic is to not engage him at all. I allow him to play with my hair and he sometimes talks to himself or calls out for Daddy, the most I will say is "shhh" and pat him (Daddy does not come back in the room). I keep my eyes closed and pretend I am sleeping...the only thing I will do is lay him back down if he gets up - I've tried very hard to get rocking out of our routine and it's worked well. After repeating this for every nap and bedtime, and along with his bedtime routine he knows it is time to go to sleep and generally calms down and goes to sleep quite easily, within about 15 minutes after which I can leave...I second the suggestion of re-evaluating her nap schedule too though, she may just not be that tired yet when bedtime rolls around if she's napping too much?

[ema-adama]

It's good to read these replies. I was soming to post about my frustration with my toddler.

I am tearing my hair out with my 20 month old who delays sleeping both for naps and for bedtime and it is driving me insane. *I* need the down time and I am getting very resentful of my little boy dosing off and then suddenly sitting up and wriggling off the bed and ready to play. We have a bedtie routine with supper, bath, pajamas, story in bed, lights out and num nums. Nums nums takes anywhere upwards of an hour on most nights.

We co-sleep, but I am thinking of starting to at least seperate us for the begining of the night. The only time I got 4 hours uniterrupted sleep was the night I camped out in our spare room after putting him to sleep. Usually he is awake every 90 - 120 minutes and will only go back to sleep on my breast. Without me next to him, he slept 4 hours!!

I am tired, exhausted, frustrated - just dragging myself through each day in a blur. Weeks and months have flown by like this.

I have bought the NCSS for toddlers and I really like it. I just haven't had the time or energy to actually figure out what is going on. I like that she is giving the tools to understand each specific situation - I just haven't the resources to use those tools at the moment.... maybe I'll try again this evening, if he goes to sleep in a period of time that leaves me some energy.

[jtbuko]

Also, we found mattress on floor best for our kids at toddler age. Easy to co-sleep with them there part of the night, but catch some real zzzz or alone time another part, and I think it makes their bed feel cozy and safe when they sleep with you in if first.

[To-Fu]

Just a friendly reminder to everyone about our forum-specific guidelines related to CIO:

Please appreciate that this forum is not a place to uphold or advocate CIO (Crying It Out). Posting personal preferences for and encouragement of the use of CIO and similar sleep training methods are not acceptable. Posts of that nature will be edited by the member upon request or will be removed.

It sounds like the OP is looking for support and wants to avoid CIO, so it's fine to post reminders about why CIO doesn't work and is harmful to little ones. I'm sure she appreciates the offering of other, gentler (and more effective!) strategies as well.

If anyone has any questions about how best to respect the forum guidelines, don't hesitate to get in touch. Thanks for understanding.

[chfriend]

Kid sleep changes over time so the bedtime routine you establish is always going to be temporary.

Does your little one still nap?

A great read is "Sleepless in America" by Barbara Coloroso.