Has grief/infant loss ended any relationships here

[bbrandonsmom]

Title pretty much says it all.
Even before we had the mc dh and I, well, lets just say we've been going though a never ending cycle for many years. Then we got preg this last time and it was not good-lots of stress.
Lost baby. I started to wonder if it was a test of "can we survive this, or is it a sign that we can't" type of thing. Dh said himself maybe it was a test, but he never elaborated. As the months have gone by, I feel more and more like I am grieving myself. Most days, due to dh's work schedule, it's just me and the boys, like it usually is.
I pray for answers on what to do. I tell myself, that like during a pregnancy, you shouldn't make any "big" decisions, and I feel like grief is like that. I keep seeing the negative point of view that our loss was the final straw. I feel like we should be a couple dealing with this together, getting closer or stronger, not apart. But it's not that way.
And then when I found out my friend passed it was a realization that life really is too short. That if you want to do something, want to be happy, you have to go for it. But I have my boys to think of.
After the mc I thought I wouldn't mind if we got pregnant, but now I do. I look at how far apart we are dealing with our loss and I can't imagine being pregnant again. I feel like we are on two completely different roads, and the mc was just a big "hello, look what's going on" type of thing. Maybe if we grieved together or were more connected I'd feel different.
Has anyone gone through this as a couple after losing a child or has any other grief effected you as a couple? Could you not get past it? Did you get closer?

[ktbug]

It's been incredibly hard. It's worse that everyone tells me/us that most relationships dissolve after a loss like ours. After Luke died, I had two miscarriages, and that made things even worse. I have a lot of questions, mostly practical Darwinian ones, like maybe I should seek different DNA to mate with ...

It's driven me to madness. Driven both of us into the arms of others. We can't support each other properly because we're both so torn up. I have no idea how couples survive this.

I wish I could be more positive, but I read the title of your post, and I just said "oh yeah, it has".

Therapy helps some couples. Mutual respect and understanding goes a long way, but really, that's pretty much understood.

Good luck. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. The most important thing to remember is to be very, very patient. Patience and empathy.

[rsummer]

We lost our infant son almost a year ago and I can say that we are eachother's greatest strength. We are eachother's support and the only one's who understand the greatness of losing Asa.

That being said, my husband has ruff edges he has never had before. Somedays I wonder who this guy is... I married a very nice man, but he can sometimes have the overbearing personality that requires everyone around to walk on eggshells. We had almost 5 years of strong marriage before losing Asa, and we had the kind of marriage that other people noticed for its stength. And its still hard.

I agree about the no sudden movements/big decisions while greiving. There have been tons of things that I have followed through with this last year just because I planned them before the loss, when I felt like I was capable of making big decisions.

No great advice, just empathy. Loss is hard on relationships, mostly because you can show your seediest underbelly to your spouse and save your game face for the rest of the world.

[Manessa]

My husband and I have gone through periods in the 10 months since me lost our baby where things are very tough. We had a very strong relationship before, and most days we are fine. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with grief, and I think he just doesn't know what to do. He gets defensive and snippy, so that's hard. Maybe you guys would benefit from some counseling?

[LionTigerBear]

I also think counseling for one or each of you would be very helpful. Different people grieve differently. Some people just feel very angry in their grief, but don't want to acknowledge or address it directly-- understandable-- and so it comes out passively or subconsciously towards people they love. I'm sorry that things are so hard.

However, to address your first question-- yes, I know couples are more likely to separate after losing a child. It is a sad thing.

[MommaKitten21]

oh mamma! hugs!!! First of all, sorry for your loss. Currently, DP and myself are experiencing something like this. It's a little different for us because our loss is his (our) daughter from his previous marriage. She has been with him since the divorce (he has full custody) and bio-mom could visit. Well, she took his (our) daughter for Christmas break and never returned her. It's been hell on earth for us because you know your child is out there somewhere, alive, and hopefully healthy, but yet you have no contact. It's taken a huge toll on our relationship together, and sometimes I swear the only reason we have made it this far is because we have a son together to keep us going.

We go to court on the 30th of this month, and hopefully we get our child back finally. It's been eleven months of hell, and I am just not sure how much more we can take before we shatter.

I just keep telling myself that when we get through this (even though some days we don't cling to eachother for support) that we will be that much stronger and no one else will compare because look at what we made it through and came out on top of.....

all the while the other side of myself says run and run fast. This is never going to be over, and this is just the start of a hell because she will still have visits, and who's to say more desperate crap wont happen? It's not a fun spot to be, and I am not religious at all.... but for some reason, deep deep down (some days way down!!) I have faith we can make it through anything

[Megan73]

OP, I hope things are looking up for you.
I saw this today and remembered this thread:
http://www2.med.umich.edu/prmc/media...ls.cfm?ID=1535
It's so unfair to imagine losing your marriage because you've lost your little one