?? for veterans

[othersomethings]

I did this two years ago. Then, I had a plan, I knew what I wanted, it was very crunchy and safe and alternative, etc. And things did NOT go as planned. This time, all I have is questions and uncertainty.

I'll share more below, but basically my question is - did your first or previous birth experience(s) drastically change how you thought and felt about what was right for you?

To put it in perspective, I went with a great midwife, and since my husband was uncomfortable with the home birth idea we settled on her freestanding birth center, water birth, etc. It was great, everything was going amazing and I loved all of it. Until B-day.

My labor started with water breaking at 8am, and after 19hours and only reaching 4cms (4 of those hours being HARD HARD HARD *@$&$^ HARD labor) I really only had two choices. Because I was at the birth center with the midwife, state law says after the water breaks, when the 24hr mark hits the baby has to come out. So A.) I could either continue laboring it out and hope to deliver in 5 hours or risk an ambulance ride and a C-section, or B.) go to the hospital now voluntarily, get some medication, some rest, and push the baby out on my own.

I chose plan B.

I loved laboring on my own, free, at the birthcenter. It was great. When she checked me at 19hours in, I fully expected her to say "ok, we can push soon." And if that had been the case, I know I could have done it. I was ready to push through the hell, and get that baby out. But when she said I was only 4cm and we had a longer wait, wow...I could feel the end of my rope. I knew in my heart I would not make it.

And when I did go to the hospital, I was really kind of shocked at how accommodating they were to my requests. It wasn't the nazi regime I'd built them up to be in my mind, and I actually felt completely at home there too. The Dr. only did one thing I didn't care for, and I can only chalk that up to me having met her 5 minutes prior and not getting to discuss my requests before hand. And the Epidural felt f**** great. And my baby was born fine, with no side effects, none of the risk factors, none of the stuff that is in all the books and horror stories that I'd been reading for 9 months and on these boards.

So now I'm totally confused with this baby. I've been thinking about it ever since, knowing I'd have another baby and knowing I'd have to make these decisions but I always said to myself "I'll cross that bridge when I get there."

Well, I'm on the bridge.

The birthcenter is no longer an option since it closed last year. I can't pay for the midwife to come to my home, and I'm honestly not sure I WANT to labor at home. So financially the only option is the hospital, and I'm kind of sort of liking the idea of how easy it was.

Am I a selfish mom for even thinking that way? Has my ideology really changed that drastically? Don't I really believe natural and free birthing is the best?

So how about you? Did your mind change that drastically after your first?

[mntnmom]

I had 2 very nice hospital births. I've settled on a homebirth this time, but there is nothing WRONG with choosing a hospital. You know your options, you know your rights. I say research every hospital policy, have long heart to heart with your OB and labor as long as you can at home. Look into getting a doula, or someone else to help your partner protect your space.
Odds are, this baby will come a little faster. It's entirely possible to have the birth you want in a hospital. Just have all the information and support you can get!

[Juise]

I agree, I absolutely loved my homebirth and I can only hope for another such sweet birth, but I think the most important part of birth location is that it is where mama wants to be, and feels safe and comfortable. If that is the hospital for you, then maybe it is where you should be.

I would like to throw in, though, that my labour with DD lasted two days, it was long and hard, and, honestly, does anyone actually go through a natural birth without, "I don't know if I can do this!" at least crossing their mind? I know it did mine, and I was determined to have my natural homebirth. I jumped on the thought right away and squashed it with, "You CAN and you WILL." But that doesn't mean it wasn't here. I think for me, in your situation, I would have been absolutely crushed by the options you were given, I am so in love with my first birth, it was long, but I feel like it came out the way it should, and I cannot imagine having been forced into anything else.

I think you should go with your heart, and be where you want to be without feelings of guilt. You are the mama, you are the labourer, it is your choice. I firmly believe your birth will go best if your mind and body are comfortable where they are. Good luck with your decision it's not a very easy one!

[wavybrains]

I'm merely hopeful that I might get to join you ladies, but I wanted to chime in as this is right where I am too.

I planned on a natural hospital birth last time--picked a very baby-friendly hospital, a midwife, hired a doula, took birthing from within classes, practiced Spinning babies, read and read and read some more. And then . . . I had a MONTH of prodomal labor and false alarms, and I was just worn out when I made it to 42 weeks, 1 day and went into labor 6 hours before my schedule induction. It was a 48 hour labor, and at the 40 hour mark, I was still just 3 cm and hadn't slept in closer to 72 hours, and I got the epidural and consented to pitocin. My water broke, and there was meconium, and there was a lot of rush to get the baby out. I was *not* a "good" laboring woman--I fought hyperventilation from the 30 hour mark on and vomited with every contraction from 30 hours until they gave me the epidural, and I was very whiny. I pushed for 2.5 hours and at the end, the midwife did an epistitomy b/c she had crowned for so long and needed OUT. She ended up needing a lot of suctioning and had the cord clamped right away. Other than c-section, I pretty much ended up with everything I did NOT want. I had a "good" birth in many ways, but I still feel like I let myself down.

This time, I really want a birth center birth b/c I feel like I need to be somewhere where pain meds are not an option, and maybe I need a lot more hand-holding than most women. But, I also felt really *safe* at the hospital, and everyone in my family likes to tell me how badly things would have gone had we not been at a hospital. My idealogy also shifted post birth and continues to evolve. For a long time, I thought that epidurals were awesome. Then I felt like a failure. Then I reached a point where I am much more of a birth activist, but I still don't know where I am for myself.

This isn't really helpful for you, but I just wanted to say that I feel you so much, and that I think you will ultimately make the best decision for you. If the hospital is where you will end up financially and emotionally, then why not own that decision? Be happy with it. Try to think of everything you need to make that experience yours--hire a doula if that is an option for you, research providers really carefully, and feel like you are having your first choice birth. I honestly wish that we were limited to the hospital option--our insurance will cover homebirth and birth center. It makes everything more complicated in my head.

[megviolet]

I think that you can trust your body and the birth process but also want a hospital birth. Any woman is going to have the best experience wherever she feels safe and comfortable. It's about choice, and the hospital in an option, and you should NOT feel bad to chose that option! I know that sometimes there is kind of a stick-up ideal that if you decide that you want an OB, or a hospital birth, that you must not know any better because those are inferior choices or something, but that is BS. Go with whatever makes you happy, it is your experience!!

I also think that it probably would be beneficial for you to talk to someone about healing birth trauma... if there is a birthworks person or group in your area that would be a good place to start. And remember that you could have a very, very different experience this time around. I've heard that the first is often the hardest. (fingers crossed! lol)

I won't go into my birth story in detail, but, since a midwife wasn't an option for me last time I planned to have an unassisted home birth. 3 weeks overdue, and after over 24 hurs of strong labour, I ended up going into the hospital where i was given pitocin and eventually my daughter was born via vaccum extraction... i didn't see her for 5 hours after she was born. Not ideal. I didn't have any options at that point. My hospital experience was pretty bad, but i KNOW that there is no reason why someone can't have a beautiful natural birth in a hospital.


Also want to add, i totally know the end of the rope feeling. After i had hard labour all afternoon and all night and was pukey and shaky and exhausted, i checked my cervix and it hadn't changed in hours. That sucked. I know that feeling. It turns out her hand or arm was over her head and that's why i had stalling labour for weeks... and so much trouble getting her out!

This time, i have a midwife (yay!) and will try again to have a homebirth.

[Juise]

Originally Posted by wavybrains

But, I also felt really *safe* at the hospital, and everyone in my family likes to tell me how badly things would have gone had we not been at a hospital.

I had to comment on this, because I hate when people say this although maybe in your case, since it was after the fact, they were actually trying to be compassionate. In my opinion, though, I think a lot of complications wouldn't have existed if the situation was different.

I don't go around telling people that I had a wonderful homebirth that I loved and I think I'm better than them for it (because this isn't true, I think the ideal situation is different for every mama.) There are a lot of people, though, when they do find out, that feel the need to give you their entire birth experience at the hospital with their doctors and drugs. And, of course, how horrifically a million different things would have gone if they hadn't been at the hospital with their doctors and drugs and medical procedures and how it's just so much safer and the only real responsible choice.

Omg, I'm not being sensitive and pissy, am I!?

Oh dear, I am, aren't I....

What I had really meant to say is that I'm sorry you tried so hard for your ideal birth and it don't go the way you hoped for. This time!

[othersomethings]

Thank you for the input. It really helps me process this.

Megviolet,
that is exactly the same reason my labor was stalled, she had her hand up by her head and was posterior to boot. The midwife kept telling me she was feeling a huge baby, but really it was just her hand mixing things up.

I think an added element to my situation is my mom. She had 11 kids and aside from the first, and an emergancy C-section, they were all at home delivered by a midwife or my dad. I feel a lot of pressure to live up to her standard (as out there as it is) and it's not pressure FROM her, she's totally not like that. But it's there none the less. I can't compete with my own mother's track record. Bizarre, right?

[CorasMama]

If you had a good experience at the hospital, and felt comfortable there, there's nothing wrong with choosing that route again. Can you go to that OB who helped you last time, or is he a hospitalist? Are there any hospital-based midwives (CNMs) you could see?

Really, it's about what works for your situation.

Something that really bothers me about birth advocacy is that it makes some moms feel like there is this "ideal" birth that, if we all just want it/work for it hard enough, we can achieve. It's simply not true. If you don't have the birth you plan in your head, you haven't failed. The only way to fail at birth is to not actually have the baby outside you when it's over! (Like that elderly woman who they discovered a "tumor" that was actually something like a 30 year old petrified fetus)

Whatever you want to do, be it pay for a homebirth, or go to a hospital with an OB, or use a hospital-based midwife, is entirely up to you. And if you want/need an epidural, then get one! No one reasonable will judge you for your own educated birth choices, and doing what you need to do to have the best birth you can.

[wavybrains]

Originally Posted by othersomethings

I can't compete with my own mother's track record. Bizarre, right?

I love this especially in light of Juise's comment above. It's so funny how OUR mother's and their experiences play into our own ideals. My mother had three hospital births, none with any pain medication, all at 42+ weeks, with a baby a few hours after having her water broken by her doctor. I felt like I too should be able to have a short-ish labor, great hospital experience, and no pain meds.

My mother, of course, thinks that hospitals are the best place bar none for babies, and my MIL is a former ER nurse, so yes, they like to focus on the gore. We had considered a home birth early in the last pregnancy as well as a birth center, but decided that the baby-friendly hospital was a good "compromise" so that is why they all felt the need to tell me over and over again how DD would have died at home, which of course, is NOT true. I personally don't really want a home birth, but she could have been suctioned at home, and other midwives are also skilled at getting babies out quickly.

When I said that I felt "safe" at the hospital, I actually mean emotionally. I had a really tough time at home in early labor (my mother's energy perhaps?), and I felt happier once we were actually at the hospital, and I felt really good about our decision to be there.

Othersomethings, you are NOT your mother. Perhaps it would be good in a few weeks to talk with her about this pregnancy and tell her your plans. I bet she will be 100% supportive, and that might make it easier. Or perhaps she will have another idea that might make things easier in a different way.

[*KaiMom*]

I'd go with your inner wisdom and do what feels the best for you. If being in the hospital felt safe and natural then I'd do that. Bad positioning of baby is not something that happens over and over (as a rule) so I'm thinking your next labor is going to go much more smoothly.

[othersomethings]

thanks again mamas.

I talked to my mother last night and told her a little about what my options were and how I was feeling about it, and I think it took her by surprise...she expressed some dismay that I was no longer convinced epidurals were of the devil, and it didn't make sense to her why I'd be OK or more than OK with a different kind of birth.

I got a call from my sister-in-law this morning, who is also expecting (much further along) and apparently my mom gave her an earful about epidurals last night after our chat.

Ugh.

I don't know what decisions I'm going to make. I just have to know I'll have peace with making them, I guess.

Doesn't that sound reasonable?

[ScarletBegonias]

i just wanted to give hugs to all and to chime in with a little something:

what has the greatest impact on the outcome of your labor and birth is not WHERE you are or HOW your labor/birth is going, but WHO you are with. (henci goer, marsden wagner, WHO, and many more state this)

i think that's why you hear good and bad home and hospital birth stories, outcomes and experiences are largely dependent on the birth attendant, whether they be a mw, partner or ob.

some mamas have had horrible hospital births and great home births, while other mams have had great (natural even) hospital births, and have either never felt the need to birth at home, or have sought out hospitals after an unsatisfying homebirth experience.

just remember that every pregnancy, labor and birth is different, even if you've had 10 kids and it's all gone the same, this pregnancy is a new one, and could well be totally different.

congratulations and h & h 9 months to all you mamas!

[CorasMama]

well, luckily your mother is not the one in charge here! If you want an epidural, if that will help you have a better birth, then get an epidural! If I could have a patient-controlled epidural AND a free-standing birth center water birth, you'd better believe I would! But the latter is my priority, not yours or anyone else's. Actually, if I could deliver at a hospital that was all nice and homey like the one you describe, I totally would, but unfortunately, I don't have access to one.

[mataji4]

(I'm lurking and hopeful!)
Yes!!! Every.birth.is.different. Birthing a baby is a unique experience. Yes, your next baby could potentially have a hand by its head, but there's no reason to expect that. I had un-ideal things happen at my first two and my fourth births. But in a way, each pregnancy you have to start with a clean slate, connect with the baby, and intuit what you want/need for that birth. And some of those decisions don't need to be made now (like the epidural question) b/c you don't know how you are going to feel/experience labor this time around! Often though not always second labors are not as long and arduous as first ones.

I'm glad you didn't have any negative outcomes b/c of your epidural, but the warnings do exist for a reason as there are risks. Just last week an acquaintance had a baby, epidural, maternal and baby fevers, NICU, scan on baby, several nights at hospital- the "epidural fever" horror story. You can bet that mom is regretting her choice to get an epidural. Assessing the risks and making your choice is your prerogative as a mom.

It sounds like you are very aware, in touch and trying to do your best. Don't beat yourself up!

[PlatypusMessiah]

Veteran here

Hi,

I just found out today that I am pregnant with my second child - we're very excited!!

Our baby was 1 yesterday and we were just reflecting on how our labor and delivery went compared to how we had planned on it going. It's an understatement to say it went how we expected and boy are we glad that we changed things along the way. The main item was the epidural - I caved at 6.5cm and asked for the epideral - this is something I will do much sooner next time and I believe in my own case it progressed labor significantly. There are many people on this board who will disagree with this but to each their own.

The other item I was shocked about was on the second night we choose to have our baby sleep in the nursery for 4 hours so that we could sleep for 4 hours. It sounds selfish but it was a great choice for us.

One reason I will have our second baby at the hospital is that I felt comfortable with the staff and that if something were to go wrong they could quickly address any issues. Our baby was born with a very tight knot in the umbilical cord that no one knew about - luckily all was ok.

I started my last pregnancy in a very crunchy manner - considering homebirth, carriers (which I did use), nursing (which I had massive quantity issues with even when seeing lactation consultants daily), contemplated family bed, etc.

At the end of the day, each family has to do what is best for them and their child. No one should judge or give their opinions.

[canadianmummy]

Originally Posted by PlatypusMessiah

The main item was the epidural - I caved at 6.5cm and asked for the epideral - this is something I will do much sooner next time and I believe in my own case it progressed labor significantly. There are many people on this board who will disagree with this but to each their own.

Absolutely. I had an epidural when I had my 1st. I got it at 8cm and my labour (which had been progressing very nicley) stopped. I had to be augmented and had a hard time pushing which led to an episiotomy. So in my case the epidural didn't go well!! But if it works for you then that's great