When a preschooler is repeatedly saying "I don't want to go to school" and crying at drop-off

[mamasaurus]

So, here is my story:

I have a 4.5yo DD who started a new preschool a few months ago. It is a lovely school - beautiful facilities, nice staff, very friendly, very open, caring, loving, all that good stuff.

After a month or so, she started saying she didn't want to go to school. I started trying to figure out why. Here are the points:

1. First, this is not her first school experience. She's been in another preschool, so she is used to going to school 3-4 days/week. So, that can't be it.

2. There was one child who was "bothering" her, but the teachers got on top of that and have it under control.

3. There are not a lot of toys at this school - it is more of a learning environment, which is fine - she loves to learn. But the pace is painstakingly slow. And because it is so slow and there are hardly any toys to play with as an alternative, she seems to be very bored.

4. The teachers are very nice, but not quite as warm and fuzzy as her previous preschool teacher. She might be missing that.

5. At her previous preschool, the teacher allowed for all kinds of messy play - water, mud, sand, you name it. It was very fun in the sensory department! Her new school doesn't do that.

So - you are probably asking why I took her out of the previous preschool??? Well - there were a few good reasons, which I won't go into right now, but just trust me.

ANYWAY - now DD is repeatedly saying that she doesn't want to go to school, and she's started crying at drop-off.

You know how schools and childcare people are always saying, "Don't worry about the crying part. She's fine 10 minutes after you leave."

Well... I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, if a child is to the point where they are crying at drop-off, isn't that a sign that maybe you ought to do something about it?

I have an older DD as well, and she cried everyday at drop-off at her preschool. Turned out the girl has special needs and we didn't realize it at the time. Part of the crying and troubles she had at that preschool had to do with the special needs.

I don't think my DD#2 has special needs. But, I guess my awareness is just heightened by our experience with DD#1.

Bottom line - if a child is repeatedly saying "I don't want to go to school" and crying at drop-off, what do you think is the best course of action?

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by mamasaurus

Well... I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, if a child is to the point where they are crying at drop-off, isn't that a sign that maybe you ought to do something about it?

I think it is, but I don't think the only answer is that it's the wrong school.

I'd ask her as casually as possible in a good moment if there's anything at school that makes her feel nervous or funny. My son has been in the same school for 2.5 years but last month he got really resistant to going. Asking him flat out didn't really work but after a bit of time he shared that he had had a "big argument" with his teacher (he was suffering from a concussion at the time, and was unusually cranky, and it did escalate to where he was in a big conflict for the first time). So we took him in a bit early one day and his teacher explained that she was not mad at him at all and that helped. No one had any idea that he had been worrying about that for so long.

I'd also try some different routines to see if it's the transition that's hard for whatever reason. It might be a case of the "fours" but I'd try other things first.

[proudmamanow]

Our dd cried at drop off almost every day for four months last year. We realized that the experience of going to school in a 2nd language environment (among other factors) was triggering major anxiety in our previously school loving kid. We pulled her out and she is at home this year. And much happier. My main regret is making her go there terrified for so long, but the school seemed to be a perfect fit otherwise & we really wanted her to learn the language).

[chiromamma]

Do both you and her dad work out of the home? Is it an absolute necessity that she attend preschool? If not, I'd take her out keep her at home.
If so, perhaps she needs a warmer fuzzier more play oriented preschool.

[ssh]

We are only going to do warm fuzzy play based preschool. The one we go to does have fun activities involving letter and number recognition, but it's all low stress and plenty of tactile, sensory activities. Young children learn better through play and sensory activities. It's how their minds work.

There have to be more options than the preschool your DD doesn't like and the one she liked but you didn't like. Our town has lots, and even two co-op ones. We go to one of the co-op ones. They're cheaper and you have to do in class volunteer time, but you get to see how your DCs class interacts and how the teacher interacts with the kids. It's great knowing exactly what your childs experience is like. Also they have a policy of letting the parent stay with their DC if the parent wants to. One little boy in my DDs class often wants his mom to stay. It's just an extra parent helper in the room.

[bobandjess99]

I just took dd out of school for this reason. EVERY day she asked not to go. We kept it up all last year, and we started this year, and the first couple weeks were great..and then it started again.
I don't see the need to force it.
Yes, I think that eventually, dd will need to learn that she sometimes has to do things she doesn't want/like.
but i don't think that time needs to come when she is barely 5, and it certainly doesn't need to be learned over school.

[mamasaurus]

Originally Posted by ssh

There have to be more options than the preschool your DD doesn't like and the one she liked but you didn't like.

Actually, we have very limited options here. There are options if we are willing to drive 45 minutes each way, but I'm not willing to drive that far. And there are options if we are willing to send her to a religious school, but again we are not willing to consider that.

But I will keep looking!

[mamasaurus]

Originally Posted by bobandjess99

Yes, I think that eventually, dd will need to learn that she sometimes has to do things she doesn't want/like. but i don't think that time needs to come when she is barely 5, and it certainly doesn't need to be learned over school.

Thank you for saying this. I have so many people saying to me, "Well, you know she has to learn to just get along with people and not everything is going to go her way..."

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by bobandjess99

Yes, I think that eventually, dd will need to learn that she sometimes has to do things she doesn't want/like.
but i don't think that time needs to come when she is barely 5, and it certainly doesn't need to be learned over school.

I wholeheartedly agree. Furthermore, if you want to kill the joy in learning, send a child to an academic preschool that's paced too slowly for her.

Preschool should be play based unless the child seeks out the academics. A 5 year old needs to learn that sometimes she has to pick up her toys and clothes, even if she doesn't want to. But early attitudes toward learning can't be easily undone.

[ssh]

If I couldn't find a preschool everyone liked I choose homeschool too. At 4.5 your DD's happiness and joy in learning are so much more important than any life lesson she could learn from going somewhere she doesn't want to be.

[pigpokey]

Originally Posted by mamasaurus

3. There are not a lot of toys at this school - it is more of a learning environment, which is fine - she loves to learn. But the pace is painstakingly slow. And because it is so slow and there are hardly any toys to play with as an alternative, she seems to be very bored.

You don't say why you've chosen to preschool her, so I'll assume it's necessary.

What are the options for advancing her to an academic environment with a better fit?

Doing relatively advanced academics with a 4.5 year old doesn't take long one on one. If you want ideas for lesson plans with a 4.5 year old at whatever grade level she's at, specify that and post in the home school forum. Even if you leave her in the preschool she's at, perhaps you can get her pulled out for lessons during too-easy-lesson-time if you provide the curriculum.

[sarahr]

Did you pull her from the play-based school because something was wrong with it or because it didn't provide the academics you wanted? If it was just missing the academics, could you send her back there for the play/social/sensory aspects, and then supplement at home as needed for the academics?

This new school doesn't sound right for her -- I'd cry too if I was that bored and there was nothing to play with.

[spottiew]

Originally Posted by proudmamanow

Our dd cried at drop off almost every day for four months last year. We realized that the experience of going to school in a 2nd language environment (among other factors) was triggering major anxiety in our previously school loving kid. We pulled her out and she is at home this year. And much happier. My main regret is making her go there terrified for so long, but the school seemed to be a perfect fit otherwise & we really wanted her to learn the language).

my kid has early morning issues, hard to wake up... turns out getting him up earlier so he had more free time made dropoff better.

[sapphire_chan]

She's bored with the pace of the work? Yeah, get her out of there before that school kills all her interest in learning.

You're just lucky she hasn't started to act out and ended up with a negative label.