getting a divorce

[zenfulmama]

i am getting a divorce. i have a soon to be 6 and 8 year old boys...beautiful sensitive creatures that are going to hurt so bad over this. my fear is that if i do not divorce now i will end up resenting them as well as my husband and life a miserable existence...there is no going back now, i have tried for the past two years...and the 6 before that to heal what can not be healed.

now, we have faced up to that. how do we tell our kids that we will never be together as a that family again? i do not want to say that mommy and daddy do not love each other because that is not true. i want to say mommy and daddy will be happier if we live in separate houses and we will only be a phone call away...with mommy during the week and daddy on the weekends, and for sports...sounds so matter of factual when in fact it is so hurtful.

i do not want to hurt my kids but i strongly believe that this short term hurt will be much less damaging than a lifetime of unhappiness for myself, their mother...help me. i am so struggling with this. my babies, i never ever want to hurt them and i am...

[DanishMom]

Originally Posted by zenfulmama

i am getting a divorce. i have a soon to be 6 and 8 year old boys...beautiful sensitive creatures that are going to hurt so bad over this. my fear is that if i do not divorce now i will end up resenting them as well as my husband and life a miserable existence...there is no going back now, i have tried for the past two years...and the 6 before that to heal what can not be healed.

now, we have faced up to that. how do we tell our kids that we will never be together as a that family again? i do not want to say that mommy and daddy do not love each other because that is not true. i want to say mommy and daddy will be happier if we live in separate houses and we will only be a phone call away...with mommy during the week and daddy on the weekends, and for sports...sounds so matter of factual when in fact it is so hurtful.

i do not want to hurt my kids but i strongly believe that this short term hurt will be much less damaging than a lifetime of unhappiness for myself, their mother...help me. i am so struggling with this. my babies, i never ever want to hurt them and i am...

It does sound like a divorce is the best solution. It's not healthy for kids to live with parents who only stay together for the kids. I know all about the guilt you are feeling but you and your kids will be fine. All you can do is to allways be there to talk to your boys. Good luck and hugs.

[La Sombra]

Great big hugs to you, mama. I have myself just initiated a separation and am dealing with some of the same feelings as you (not exactly the same, my dd is only 2.5). There is an advice columnist that I adore, his name is Cary Tennis and his column can be read at Salon.com; yesterday I read this one and I wept with recognition; I hope you, too, will find in it both resonance and comfort:

http://www.salon.com/life/since_you_...across_country

The point he makes, or one of the points, is that there is not any one way perfect way to raise children. Children can be raised by divorce parents, single mothers, grandparents...that our children are going to be hurt and wounded in this life just like we all have been. But that we can give them love and stability in a variety of different settings, and we must have faith that we are doing the best we can, doing the best for ourselves and for them, and that they will be okay.

I know that isn't especially practical advice, (maybe others will have that--books, suggestions for how to make the transition easier) but I think people sometimes need a little spiritual comfort, too, no?

I wish you peace and comfort and strength.

[RollerCoasterMama]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm grateful I'm not coping with divorce plus the hurt of an older child. My almost 3 year old will be affected, but in a different way.

I've been reading Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce: the Sandcastle Way. It was highly recommended. It seems to be more for kids your own children's age, though it covers infants and older kids too. A lot of the discussion is explaining to the parents the very real and valid emotions the child is feeling and some smart, healthy tactics to helping your child deal with those emotions, plus building a co-parenting relationship. It sounds like this might give you something to start thinking about anyway! I'm sure your local library would have a copy.

[zenfulmama]

thank you so much. just knowing that i am doing the right thing...short term pain for long term gain...i think the part that hurts the most is that they will not have the 'dream' family...the nuclear picture perfect picket fence lie that i have been living for so long...the windows have finally broken...it is so reassuring to hear your supports and kind thoughts. i have always loved this mothering place. a place so close to my heart...thanks so much for the supportive words-thoughts that you three posted. i truly truly appreciate it. i just oredered the sandcastles book...<3

[DanishMom]

Originally Posted by zenfulmama

thank you so much. just knowing that i am doing the right thing...short term pain for long term gain...i think the part that hurts the most is that they will not have the 'dream' family...the nuclear picture perfect picket fence lie that i have been living for so long...the windows have finally broken...it is so reassuring to hear your supports and kind thoughts. i have always loved this mothering place. a place so close to my heart...thanks so much for the supportive words-thoughts that you three posted. i truly truly appreciate it. i just oredered the sandcastles book...<3

I'm glad you feel supported here - it is a great place indeed. Keep coming back for support if you need it.

[zenfulmama]

you know I will keep coming back <3...spiritual mothering calls to me and my soul--keeps it whole...<3

[MtBikeLover]

I could have written your post a few months ago and as anyone that knew my story (i posted a bunch on the parents as partners section) the one thing I was dreading THE MOST was telling the kids. I would cry just thinking about it. I even went to the bookstore to try to find some good kid books to read to them and sat on the floor bawling as I read them. My kids are 6.5 and 4.5 years old.

It was by far THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE when i told them. I have never in my life done something so hard. I cried, they cried, their dad cried, they begged us to stay together, they begged to not have to live in two different homes, etc. It was terrible.

BUT.....

Things have turned out fine for our kids. Here is what we did:

First and foremost, we told them together. We actually finalized the divorce 7 weeks before my ex moved out so we were divorced before we told the kids. We told them 2 weeks before he moved out. We sat down one evening and said that we had something important to tell them. We told them straight out "mommy and daddy have decided not to live together anymore". The tears started immediately. Then when things settled down a little, we explained that we had tried for a long time to talk nicer and to be nicer to each other but it wasn't working. And that when adults can't get along, they decide it is better to live apart. We will both be a part of your lives and you will always be taken care of. We assured them that we would do our best not to involve them in our troubles but that we weren't perfect and might make mistakes. We told them if we ever made them feel uncomfortable or sad that they should talk to us. 6.5yo DS wanted to know if we would still be friends and we told them that we would try really hard to remain friends.

We explained the living arrangements to them and told them that they would now have two homes.

We never used the "divorce" word since we were pretty sure they didn't know what it meant.

We also stressed that they can talk to us whenever they feel sad and that if they didn't want to talk to us, they could talk to their teachers, their grandparents, their friends, etc. And we stressed that this is NORMAL. They have a friend that has gone through this and lives in 2 houses so we referenced her plus we told them both of their teachers had gone through this.

it's been a month since we told them and they are really doing wonderfully. If you have any more questions or just need a shoulder to cry on, feel free to PM me.

[zenfulmama]

I didn't end up getting a divorce..we renewed our vows and worked through it. So Far. So good.