being a minority hs er [long]

[cheery]

Hi i wondered if anyone else had the experience of being a minority in local hs community and if it made any difference. I have been a minority all my life and quite used to it and try really hard to assume, mostly correctly, that no one is discriminating etc. We have been part of on hs group whose events are far away so I attend only a few of them. I just now joined another more local one which meets weekly. In the larger one there are several persons of color however in most activities I attend I am the only one present. In the local one I seem to be the ONLY one period. Last week there were around 100 ppl including parents and children - so around 30-40 families, and we were the only brown ppl there.

As I say, I try really hard not to let this matter and I am pretty sure no one consciously cares about skin color. Fortunately my dd has not had any trouble making friends.

But I often feel that the other parents are much more comfortable talking to one another and when I join the conversation it becomes a bit more formal - still friendly, but not as familiar and gabby. It is a subtle difference and should not affect our hs experience, so I could easily just tell myself, we are here for a purpose, let us focus on that purpose and not worry about extraneous matters that are not in our control.

For now, that is how I am dealing with it. Was interested in hearing any others' experiences.

[Holiztic]

Hi!

I didn't want to just click on this and then leave, giving you a really high number of views with few responses!!!

I am not a minority in the sense that you mean (color, race, etc.)

What I wanted to share was this: when I saw your thread title, I didn't know what kind of minority you meant, and to be honest, race was not what I thought of at all. The reason: homeschooling is already so minority. Then for those of us that aren't Christian, it becomes even more minority. Unschoolers likely feel a minority within the homeschooling world (maybe not at MDC, but elsewhere). So when it comes to homeschooling, I think we're all minorities.

However, I don't mean to make light of your feelings. I know that no one LOOKS at me and says "she's an agnostic unschooler" (BTW, not really an unschooler, yet, just undeclared ). I realize color/race adds a whole new level of minority, one that is much bigger in the greater world and much more 'noticeable'.

I think you'll get some much better responses to your question than mine!! But I wanted to share my thoughts with you that you may not be the only one at that hs group thinking "do I fit in?" and "What are they thinking about me?"

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by Holiztic

Hi!

I didn't want to just click on this and then leave, giving you a really high number of views with few responses!!!

I am not a minority in the sense that you mean (color, race, etc.)

What I wanted to share was this: when I saw your thread title, I didn't know what kind of minority you meant, and to be honest, race was not what I thought of at all. The reason: homeschooling is already so minority. Then for those of us that aren't Christian, it becomes even more minority. Unschoolers likely feel a minority within the homeschooling world (maybe not at MDC, but elsewhere). So when it comes to homeschooling, I think we're all minorities.

However, I don't mean to make light of your feelings. I know that no one LOOKS at me and says "she's an agnostic unschooler" (BTW, not really an unschooler, yet, just undeclared ). I realize color/race adds a whole new level of minority, one that is much bigger in the greater world and much more 'noticeable'.

I think you'll get some much better responses to your question than mine!! But I wanted to share my thoughts with you that you may not be the only one at that hs group thinking "do I fit in?" and "What are they thinking about me?"

YTT

When I read your title i assumes (mistake) that you were the only unschooler, or the only non-christian or the only christian or the only "school at home fomral" homeschooler or ......

race didn't enter my mind.

I am not a minority as far as skin color goes, but i CAN say i am just happy to meet other homeschoolers and to have kids with like minded parents for my kids to know and have a chance to be buddies with.

I can make one comment abot the "conservation becomes more formal" -- i think, maybe, it has more to know with you being NEW in general than anything else. I know when i am at the park with a few moms i know well -- ie have seen several time or do really know -- and a new mom shows up. we are HAPPY to see her, but i do note a change in our conservations, more formal, less private ... but that is because we don't know her / don't want to offend her. My mom buddies and i think nothing of talking about 3 years old nurseing and running nakes and the family bed (as examples) but might not shout all that out in the same "tounge in cheek" manner with a new mom there for few of looking rude or trashy or whatever .....or while my mom freind that is Cathoilc and I (who grew up as such) nmight make jokes or silly comments about faith issues alone, we might not with a new mom of fear of offendeding ....

and I know I feel it when i walk into a group of moms (or anyone) who already knows each other and I am new -- church, park day, so on.

I certainly do not want to discount your feeling of the expereince, espcaily as a non-minority myself.

But i wonder if it is more "new" and less anything else???

[Marimami]

We're a mixed race (white + hispanic) adoptive family with a SAHD as the primary homeschooling parent with Pagan tendencies. So, we don't fit in many molds. I'd say DH and DD stick out fairly noticeably at homeschooling gatherings; they're a fairly unforgettable duo.

We have a local homeschoolers of color group, which I personally love. DD and DH have been able to to get together with them occasionally. Unfortunately, their regular gatherings conflict with other activities that DD wants to do.

I think it's important for kids to see other families that look like them, but DD hasn't (yet) seemed that concerned about necessarily seeing similar families at homeschooling gatherings.

DH is fairly immune to social nuances so he probably doesn't notice (or care) if conversations are stilted when he shows up. He goes to the gatherings for DD, not for his sake, if that makes sense.

I don't feel like I've said anything useful in response, but I just wanted to let you know that there are other homeschoolers facing similar issues!

Good luck!
Holli

[Marimami]

Just an observation... unlike the previous posters, when I saw the title, I absolutely knew she was referring to race. I strongly believe that if you have to face racial issues directly on a daily basis, it is very difficult to forget or ignore them.

Holli

[theretohere]

Originally Posted by Marimami

Just an observation... unlike the previous posters, when I saw the title, I absolutely knew she was referring to race. I strongly believe that if you have to face racial issues directly on a daily basis, it is very difficult to forget or ignore them.

Holli

Yeah, unless it's a personal issue it's hard to understand. It's not the same thing as being in the minority by homeschooling or your type of homeschooling.
OP- if there aren't POC in your group you may have better luck finding a non-homeschool specific activity for part of the time that is more diverse. I think it's good to see homeschoolers, but it's also really good for kids to see people like themselves.

[justthinkn]

We're a biracial family (white, latino) starting out in homeschooling circles with a toddler, and I was taken off-guard at first by the racial homogeneity I see, esp. in a very ethnically diverse place like CA! I have no advice, b/c we're just wading in... But just wanted to say that I know such issues can be very hard to put your finger on, or explain to others without similar experiences. (Like others, I assumed this thread was about race/ethnicity ).

[pageta]

Yes, I figured the conversation was going to be about race when I saw the title. I am not a minority, but I can tell you I've had very similar experiences when meeting with other homeschoolers. It's like everyone is so used to being around themselves every day and not getting out that they aren't very quick to socialize when we're all together for a field trip or something. I've had the same thing happen at least a half dozen times. And again, I am not a minority when it comes to race. I'm a 5th generation German American, brown hair, blue eyes, light skin. I'll let my experience speak for itself.

[phoebemommy]

Hi -- Not a racial minority here, but I knew what you meant right away. I wanted to reply because I can totally imagine this situation. I'm sure I've witnessed it or been a player in it in some capacity. I wanted to say, maybe it just takes a little time? Or maybe you just need to make a connection with the right people (people who you have stuff in common with, etc.) and then you'll find your place in the group. I say this as a socially awkward person who is always struggling to find my place in this sort of situation.

[CariOfOz]

I'm not a minority racially... plain ole white bread here I have to say thought that it does kinda bother me sometimes that the general homeschooling community IS so 'white'.. I feel like my kids miss out on the something (although we do live in a very enthicnally diverse neighborhood, most people aren't incredibly social with neighbors sadly).

My boys would notice children of a different race, but that wouldn't stop them for a second from making friends and playing happily It would be more of a 'oh, byron has brown skin and I have pale skin' type thing (actual example that, lol, from my 7yo's short stint in kindergarten .. our then neighborhood was NOT diverse) And I would definitely not hesitate to have a chat with you you're not in Australia by chance?!?

I AM a minority religion though, and while nobody consciously avoids me because of it (in face at the one group I am thinking of only one other mum knows and that's because she's pagan too and we share another list), as they do not know. But I am frequently uncomfortable due to the religious conversations that come up often. I go there for 2 reasons 1) for my children's benefit... they have great activities and they play nicely with other kids.. and 2) it's sorta required for enrollment in the distance ed program we're in to attend 2 days per term. It would be nice to feel like I was really PART of the group, but their focus is so totally different than mine that I doubt it'll happen. So I take your current strategy

I hope that once you are a familiar face and the current members of the weekly group get to know you, that they relax and you are able to feel comfortable and enjoy the time right along with the kids

[kittywitty]

I have only ever met IRL one African American homeschooling family. But that has more to do with my location in nowhere land than anything. I am a minority religion, too, though, so I know how it feels to be ostracized and stick out like a sore thumb in the group. s, OP. Maybe you could start a yahoo group or other homeschooling group for anyone in your area that is also a minority and just not out of the woodwork yet? That way you'd have a more diverse peer group. Maybe there are others and they just feel uncomfortable? I know I'd be uncomfortable in any group of 100+ people where I was the only one of any category. Surely there are more "minorities" of all sorts in your community that homeschool if there's that many white families that homeschool.

[Dakota's Mom]

We are also a mixed White/Latino adoptive family. I have noticed the lack of families of color in the homeschooling community. I think there are three or four families in the circles we hang out in. In our main homeschooling group, there is only one black family. There are a few Latino families. What we do have a large number of is white parents with adoptive children of all races. At one event recently there were only three children who were not adopted.

I often question why there are so few families of color in the homeschooling community. Especially in this area, Just outside of New York City. It seems like the groups are for the most part very white. This is one of the first things I noticed when I joined the group here. Is it because families of color just do not join the groups. Is it because of the overwhelming poverty in the black community here that means both parents have to work. Or is it the disproportionate numbers of single parent families in our area. I don't know what the answer is. I wish my son could spent time with more children who are brown like him and homeschool. I'd really like to know how others feel about this.

Kathi

[Savoir Faire]

We'll we are all a little bit freaky already....aren't we? I say that in regards to being in a minority as a homeschooler. But, yes, at least where I live, there are definitely less minorities homeschooling.

If people are less gabby-- remember, it could always be that they don't know you that well. I tend to read into things too much....so please try not to!!

Why not find a parent whose child your child likes and perhaps invite them over some time? Start meeting people one on one...and just hang in there.

[Daffodil103]

I think I understand how you feel

As a POC & an immigrant I have experienced this A LOT. At work, neighborhood, kids activities, etc. Even when you've known someone for sometime, there can still be a certain awkwardness with some people that's hard to describe. Some will bring up a totally random fact that completely throws me off. My personal favourite is "I like Oprah." I'm never sure how to respond to this. We don't have TV. Communication can be tricky & rife with misunderstandings. My fav is when I say "Oh, I treasured books as a child", most people understand it as "I had so few books growing up that I treasured the few I had". I used to try and explain but now I've just given up. I usually smile, say all the pleasantries and bury my head in my book or surf on my phone. What's the use?

I don't think most people are racist, I think they really don't know how to relate. I work as an independent contractor with different teams. I love how as an outsider, I'm not involved in the day to day drama & I get to observe the team dynamics. Race, education level, perceived social status etc all seem to be factors that influence how fast & how well a new member integrates. It's fun to watch. Occasionally, I'll say something but for the most part I am amazed the stereotyping that goes on.

I don't have any advise. Just wanted to say I understand. I could write a book on this

[mntnmom]

I am not a racial minority, but as one of the "white" homeschooling moms I have to chime in. We move frequently. We are regularly the "new kids" in different groups. We are liberal non-Christians in a HIGHLY conservative community, so I often don't share a lot and stay on the fringe of most groups we join. Yes, race and the discomfort that surrounds it adds another dimension to the issue.
But I understand the feeling of walking up to a group and having the comfortable banter come to a dead stop. They don't know you. What your values are, which comments you might be sensitive about. You might be the world's most malicious gossip, ready to turn their every comment into a major issue, as far as they know. Race may add to it, but maybe they're worried about offending you, and not trying to exclude you. And yes, as a PP said: they're not sure how to relate to you.

[Daffodil103]

OK, I found myself thinking about this a bit more. What irks me is not that people can't relate, I totally understand that; it's that people are not willing to open-mindedly ASK. Just ask. I think people sometimes would rather stick to say their World Vision inspired images of an African (I'm a born & bred African) than ask me about myself & my culture. I think sometimes people are happier with their narrow perspective because it justifies them keeping their invisible wall.

I think the discomfort is also a result of "the single story" I loved this TED Talk. I think the speaker articulated some of this frustration very well http://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_...gle_story.html

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by cheery

But I often feel that the other parents are much more comfortable talking to one another and when I join the conversation it becomes a bit more formal - still friendly, but not as familiar and gabby. It is a subtle difference and should not affect our hs experience, so I could easily just tell myself, we are here for a purpose, let us focus on that purpose and not worry about extraneous matters that are not in our control.

I'm not a minority but I have experienced this in HS groups. I tend to only go to a group for a year and then usually give up on it because no one ever really tries to get to know us. I try but I can't do it all. I just don't have the energy to do so. I feel like people on the other end should try as well. I tend to steer clear of groups at this time and we get more in to classes in the area for HS'd children. That way we meet lots of others that aren't in a clique'y group but are just doing things throughout the year that interests their children. The parents are much more relaxed and friendly (IMO) or at least I seem to notice that difference.

[kittywitty]

Daffodil, I usually don't ask many questions until I get to know someone more because I'm very type-B Introvert and I hate being grilled on questions in a group, myself. So I wouldn't lump everyone as an uncaring and uninterested stuck in a stereotype-type person.

[Daffodil103]

Originally Posted by kittywitty

Daffodil, I usually don't ask many questions until I get to know someone more because I'm very type-B Introvert and I hate being grilled on questions in a group, myself. So I wouldn't lump everyone as an uncaring and uninterested stuck in a stereotype-type person.

lol, I am an introvert as well. No, I wouldn't want to be grilled either. There is difference though between grilling someone and asking out of genuine curiosity. The tone and body language all play into it. We've lived in our neighborhood for about five years. It hasn't really changed. I suggested and helped organize a street party for my DD birthday & the response is still the same. I would like to believe I am friendly and non-threatening. I smile and wave without encroaching into other people's space but our neighbors still felt more comfortable discussing it with one of their own even though she recently moved into the neighborhood. My DDs have been going to AWANA for 3 years & I don't know the other parents & their values anymore than I did the first day they went there. I took my friend to a homeschooling convention (she's NOT a homeschooler), I was asking the questions but most booth owners were more interested in talking to her. We had a good laugh after. So no, it's not always about the length of time you've known someone.

I could go on and on. I was at a hs event a few weeks ago. The mom next to me had an oh-so-adorable DD was singing and miming. I couldn't help saying that to the mom. I could see her visibly withdraw.. We did chat a bit after but I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable. (I don't think this was the first time someone had said her DD's cute & adorable). Contrast that with when I met 2 other families of color. In both cases we smiled, asked about the kids & homeschooling etc. Nothing really personal, just the general stuff. It was nice. I don't have to hang out with these guys, but I sure felt comfortable. Yes, every situation is different but generally that's the pattern.

I'm not really complaining about it, it is what it is. It's only when people make statements based on assumptions to my face that it irks me.

[tbone]

We are definitely the minority around here. I've yet to meet even just one non-white homeschooler in an area where there are a good number of homeschoolers.

In addition to our ethnicity, we are also a minority (in this part of the world) religion.

It's not easy and I wish we lived somewhere more diverse. I grew up in a smaller, not very diverse, conservative area and I really hoped my kids wouldn't. I was hoping they wouldn't have to be the 'only ones' in there social circle as I was. But, it is what it is.

I'm an introvert and not really a people person, but ds1 is and so I try my best to go to lots of outings and make small talk ( I loathe small talk!). I find it easier if I just try to start the conversation, once they see I'm approachable they tend to be more accepting.