How to discipline an 18mth old?

[MomtoAshlee]

Our DD is 18mths old. She has recently began testing us, or so I think. I can tell her no, move her away from the No No, yet she goes right back, laughing while she does it. Right now our biggest "fights" are touching the TV (we need to secure it better now that she is walking) and standing up in the bed. She cosleeps with us, which is fine, but we are going to start trying to get her in her own bed. Since she screamed the second she was put in the crib, I have changed her crib to a toddler bed. She loves the bed to play on and take naps but that is it. But she has started standing up in the bed, which we have repeatly told her No. She has even walked off the bed. It is not high and I do have pillows under it so she was not hurt. When she does stand up, I firmly say No standing in the bed, then sit her down. After 2 times, I take her off the bed and say No again. But she goes right back to standing on the bed, laughing. Or she will lay down like she is sleeping when we come in the room. DH has even firmly said NO, she cried, then started laughing and stood right up. She thinks it is a game now. I really do not want to do spanking...though I have spatted her hand when she kept reaching for the TV. But I am at a loss on how to get her to stop standing in the bed. Someone told me to just let her fall again and again and once she gets hurt, she will stop. Again, not my style. Any thoughts? I don't want her to be "scared" of the bed since she is getting to where she will sleep about 3 hours in the bed at night before crying for me.

[lilylumos]

Ok this sounds like my 13 month old and her chair in the living room! She thinks it's hilarious when I tell her "NO!" when she stands on it. I have started clapping and getting excited when she sits in it correctly instead of telling her no, and that seems to work for her!

[betsyj]

Saying "no" isn't helpful-doesn't impart much info to an 18 mo old. What you are describing is perfectly natural-my son is also in this stage. But, I don't think of it as "testing" us or being defiant. I think of it as exploring his world and environment and how he can impact it.

Why is she able to reach the TV? Hitting her hand to stop her from reaching the TV is not cool. There are several options to keep her away from the TV-clear plastic guards, a baby gate, and of course redirecting her.

This is a challenging age sleepwise-so much is going on in their little bodies and their little heads. Try to approach it from the perspective of "look what cool things my little girl can do now," rather then "why is she being so defiant."

I really do find changing MY perspective about why my son is doing something allows me to come up with creative solutions rather then punishments.

[woodchick]

I think you've answered your own questions to some extent! Secure the TV and put her bed mattress on the floor.

If you read around in the Gentle Discipline forum you'll notice a lot of advice to give up the words No and Don't. For instance: "No Standing on the Bed" becomes "Lie down or sit on the bed". "Hands on your head and take one step backwards!" works better than "Don't touch the TV!"

Basically, you want to tell her what you DO want her to do, not what you don't.

At 18mos I think it is still all about being on top of her and redirecting when needed.

[GoBecGo]

I used a "danger" noise when things were dangerous (like touching an unsecured tv or possibly standing on the bed, though my DD was in a cot at that age and i let her stand if she wanted to since she couldn't fall) kind of like "a-a-a-a-a-a!" loud and insistent. Then when i was close enough "DANGER! don't touch the tv!". I found when i was genuinely scared for her, and looked it, she got what i meant. "No" means nothing to an 18month old. You might as well say "boo", they just don't get it yet. It takes many many repetitions for a child to learn such a broadly used term (what does "no" mean? Stop? Don't? No more?). My DD is 3.5 and will still say "but i don't understand" if someone gives her a blanket "no".

Hitting her when she is trying to touch the world will not teach her anything you really want her to learn.

[MomtoAshlee]

Good points. I have only spat her hand a couple of times then I realized I didn't like that so I have stopped. I haven't done that in weeks. I have started the "Sit down in your bed" so I guess I am on the right track. I haven't thought about the mattress in the floor though. Even with "praise" discipline or redirecting her from the No No, she still goes back to it and laughs. But we will keep with the praise and she will learn and find something new to explore.

We have started the "bad" words, ie candle is HOT, ouch. So now she sees a candle or fire, she says Hot, then waves her hand to "blow" it out, but never reaches for it. She knows to stay away.

[kiwiva]

Another thing to remember is that once they do understand "Hot" and "No" still sometimes they will not be able to control the impulse to do it. So I'd be sure to keep candles out of reach and absolutely secure that tv so it cannot tip over on top of her. Anything that can tip (bureaus, bookcases, etc) should be secured to the wall.

Eventually she will stop wanting to stand/jump on the bed (I assume, tho mine is 3 and she still gets into that when she's over tired) but until that time making it as safe as possible (as close to the ground) is really the best course. When DD wanted to climb on the counters all the time, my solution was removing the chairs so she couldn't. Eventually she didn't want to. Problem solved and constant battles avoided.

I have also found it effective to give directions as matter-of-factly as possible. I save the stern "No" for danger situations in order to get immediate attention. At 18 months and for a while yet, the stern voice reaction can be quite entertaining to them and thus counter productive. When DD would stand on the couch I'd calmly remind her to "sit on her bottom" with no interesting reaction from me, so she'd be less inclined to continue doing it just to get the reaction.

[jamiew]

Here's what worked very well for us and our little one. We let her do what she wants, as long as we're there to help her learn how. After she understands how to climb up into/climb out of/jump on top of/etc what she wants, then she's happy and we can relax knowing she knows how to do what she wants. (within reason, of course. No standing on the kitchen table, for instance)

So, I say let her stand up, climb up, and jump on her bed. Insist that you be there to hold her hand and assist her, or stand next to her bed, so you feel better that she's safe and she gets to try our "her bed". After a week or so when you're more confident she won't hurt herself, then go about doing things in the room, but stay close by until you feel confident she's ok.

Kids will always want to walk on their beds, they're little monkey climbers and there's nothing you can do, no amount of "please don't" will ever change that. Try to find a way so you know she's safe, and let her do those things.

[smeisnotapirate]

For my DS, it's the chair at the table. We always say "sit, please" in a very cheerful voice and a big "thank you!" when he finally sits. It doesn't always work, but it's helped a lot more than DH just plopping him back on his butt.

[olien]

Originally Posted by MomtoAshlee

Our DD is 18mths old. She has recently began testing us, or so I think. I can tell her no, move her away from the No No, yet she goes right back, laughing while she does it. Right now our biggest "fights" are ... and standing up in the bed. .

Holy Cow!! I was just going to post almost the same thing! Except our LO is 14mo.
The laughing drives me nuts. Actually, after I ask him to sit a few times or say no stand, besides laughing he starts running on the bed After reading these responses I realize I must look at it from a different perspective.

Today I actually yanked DS down on to the bed Hard I was so sorry afterward, but I really thought he was going over the edge backward & it was just a scared reflex/response.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by MomtoAshlee

Someone told me to just let her fall again and again and once she gets hurt, she will stop.

Yeah, that's the theory. I've even tried explaining that to Lina "no, sweetie, after you bonk your head and cry and glare at the bed like it was out to get you, you're supposed to be CAUTIOUS when you're on the bed. Not run around and bounce and roll over and giggle." So we don't have a bed frame any more so she's got less distance to fall.

[treemom2]

I can tell her no, move her away from the No No, yet she goes right back, laughing while she does it.
In her mind this is a super fun game. She isn't trying to test/manipulate you. . .she just thinks your reaction is funny and she wants to do it again with you.

She cosleeps with us, which is fine, but we are going to start trying to get her in her own bed. Since she screamed the second she was put in the crib, I have changed her crib to a toddler bed. She loves the bed to play on and take naps but that is it. But she has started standing up in the bed, which we have repeatly told her No. She has even walked off the bed. It is not high and I do have pillows under it so she was not hurt. When she does stand up, I firmly say No standing in the bed, then sit her down. After 2 times, I take her off the bed and say No again. But she goes right back to standing on the bed, laughing. Or she will lay down like she is sleeping when we come in the room. DH has even firmly said NO, she cried, then started laughing and stood right up.

Why is this a big deal? Is her bed high off the ground? It's her new bed, she wants to explore it. If she falls off, will it kill her? Will she break bones? I can understand parents not wanting their children to jump on the bed, but not to stand on it? Unless she will be seriously injured, I don't understand the big deal?!!? Also, if you are worried about her getting hurt by falling off the bed, why don't you take the bed apart and put the mattress on the floor for now. That will solve the problem of her getting hurt. You can always put the mattress back on the bed when she gets older.

She thinks it is a game now. I really do not want to do spanking...though I have spatted her hand when she kept reaching for the TV.

If you can't more the TV so she can't reach it and you can't put something in front of the buttons to make them not work for her. . .then what I would do would be to remove her hand and give her something else to play with. I also would find a way to redirect her. . .maybe when you see her going for the TV you could dance with her, ask her if she wants to take a walk, read a book. Also, why does it bother you that she's touching the buttons on the TV? Is she going to break it or get hurt by touching the buttons? Is she watching TV when you don't want her to? Can you unplug it when you don't want her playing with it? Or is she changing channels or playing with the volume while you or her father are watching TV? Maybe you could turn off the TV, unplug it, and play a game? I don't see how smacking your child's hand is going to teach her not to touch the TV. . .perhaps it will teach her not to touch it when you or your husband are watching her, perhaps it will teach her to fear you. . .but what does it have to do with wanting to explore the TV?

Sometimes as parents we totally stress over things that aren't really a big deal when you look at the bigger picture. What is your child wanting to learn by standing on the bed or pushing the buttons on the TV. . .why are these things bothering you so much? How can you make a safer learning environment for her? How are other people's opinions of what's going on in your home affecting your parenting? What kind of person are you hoping your child will be when she gets older. . .do you want a compassionate child, a happy child, a loving child? How is your parenting helping your child grow into the person you want her to be? I once had a mom tell me that I should really choose my battles wisely because not everything is worth going into battle for. . .she was such a great mom! (Please don't take my suggestions and questions as inflammatory, it is sooooo hard to be a parent and I'm the first to admit that I am not a "perfect" parent or even close to being perfect. . .)

[Krisis]

Originally Posted by lilylumos

Ok this sounds like my 13 month old and her chair in the living room! She thinks it's hilarious when I tell her "NO!" when she stands on it. I have started clapping and getting excited when she sits in it correctly instead of telling her no, and that seems to work for her!

This works for us sometimes too (depending on the issue.) But I have to admit, I feel like a total idiot walking through the grocery store saying "Yay Toby! Yay Toby! What a good helper!" as Toby is "helping" me push the cart. I get the weirdest looks from people...

[meemee]

Originally Posted by jamiew

Here's what worked very well for us and our little one. We let her do what she wants, as long as we're there to help her learn how. After she understands how to climb up into/climb out of/jump on top of/etc what she wants, then she's happy and we can relax knowing she knows how to do what she wants. (within reason, of course. No standing on the kitchen table, for instance)

So, I say let her stand up, climb up, and jump on her bed. Insist that you be there to hold her hand and assist her, or stand next to her bed, so you feel better that she's safe and she gets to try our "her bed". After a week or so when you're more confident she won't hurt herself, then go about doing things in the room, but stay close by until you feel confident she's ok.

Kids will always want to walk on their beds, they're little monkey climbers and there's nothing you can do, no amount of "please don't" will ever change that. Try to find a way so you know she's safe, and let her do those things.

this is exactly what i did with my dd too. starting young. even a year old i think. like a chemistry lab procedure i gave her a list of instructions to follow. i never ever said no. mine was a monkey who loved leaping off couches, walking on the bed... i was v. v. v. strict about following directions. we stopped immediately if she didnt follow. the first rule was she has to make eye contact with mother (this was for me - to make sure i was really paying attention).

dd is 7 now. we still follow the same rules. never, ever once has she broken teh rule. never ever. however it really took her a while to really understand teh rule and pick it up.

humor and pantomime were my favourite disciplining tunes.

[EnviroBecca]

What we did with the TV was to put it on a table and then put other low tables around it. (We had more problems with baby wanting to crawl behind the TV and pull on cords than with him pressing the buttons, so we put one side of the TV against a wall and blocked off the other side. At times we had to block it in front too.) Then we put his toys under those little tables to provide distraction. He wasn't able to move the tables, so he would just sit there and play with the toys. If you don't have extra little tables, they're usually plentiful and cheap at yard sales, or you could use extra chairs.

With the bed, we put it on the floor, discouraged him from falling off, but let it happen when he was persistent. Before he could sit up, he had learned not to roll off the bed, and as he started sitting he had a really good sense of how close to the edge he could be without losing his balance. At 18 months he was standing on the bed sometimes but only near the middle where falling would mean falling ON the bed.

[maxwill129]

Some good advice already...

I know some people say what's the big deal with jumping on the bed, but clearly you don't want her to dot his and that's okay. We all have our rules in our house and what's okay in one house isn't in another.

If you don't want her jumping on the bed, find a space where she CAN climb and jump. Do you have an old mattress she can use? I found with my little monkey that he NEEDED to climb- it's just what 18 month olds do! Anytime he jumped or climbed all over the bed (which is a no-no in our house) we would bring him to the mattress on the floor in the living room (behind our couch) that he could jump on to his hearts content. Pretty soon he learned that that was the one place he could do that and all the beds were off limits. We didn't need to yell, say no, we just gave another option- "This bed is for sleeping on, but this bed (mattress) is for jumping on!"

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by maxwill129

Some good advice already...

I know some people say what's the big deal with jumping on the bed, but clearly you don't want her to dot his and that's okay. We all have our rules in our house and what's okay in one house isn't in another.

I read it as just standing on the bed. Jumping I can get. It doesn't bother me, but I understand why it would some people. Just standing on a low bed, though, seems pretty harmless, especially when there are pillows on the floor. I have had to step back with lots of things and question whether it really was enough of an issue to push.

[olien]

meemee: could you be a little more specific on your "chemistry lab" set of rules please.
I like the eye contact idea.
Thanks

[meemee]

for instance jumping off the couch rules.

1. adult there with you.
2. adult within close range - not just in the room.
3. you have shown adult what you want to do.
4. made eye contact so that adult is aware what is going on and not just ignoring the nudge. it helped me focus.
5. the couch end is not close to the table and there is nothing hard on the couch.
6. say ready one two three (or the best she could do then).

if any one of these rules were ignored she wasnt allowed to jump off the couch next time.

[blizzard_babe]

Sounds like my 18 month-old DS. Yes, he's not "testing" in that he doesn't have that sense of others-as-cogent-beings, but lordy is it infuriating sometimes.