Sleepy Mama needs some support

[country lilac]

OK, first off I feel a little bad complaining because from reading on here I know that there are plently of mamas getting less sleep than I am. There are nights when my daughter ( who is 9 mo old) sleeps well. Just last week she slept from about midnight til five in one stretch. It was great. She is usually up about three times a night, not great but I can handle it. However, everyfew nights she just seems to wake up all the time. Last night she was up about every hour, sometimes less. I feel like I could even handle this OK, since it is not all the time, but the attitude my husband takes about her night wakings makes it much harder on me. He basically says to me that she is just doing what I have trained her to do (because I respond to her when she cries) and that if that is the way I want to handle her then I shouldn't complain about being tired. I have tried to pin him down about what he thinks I should do, not feed her at all throughout the night, or just less. It just allways turns into a fight. His reasoning carries over into other areas as well. She has just started throwing fits (throwing herself on the ground and screaming) when you take something away from her, and loud whining/screaming if you don't give her more food in her high chair before she finishes what she has. I tend to think of it as a stage, she wants something but doesn't have the words to ask for it yet, so she sreams and cries. Its not that I like it, or will react the same way to that behavior once she is older and can communicate in different ways. But now I do not see it as a sign that I am spoiling her, which he seems to.
I am feeling tired and worn out and I just wish I could get some empathy from him, like "I know you are tired but you are doing a good job and I appreciate it." Instead I feel like I get "its your fault anyway because you trained her to be this way so don't complain about it to me." This just makes me feel so depressed. On top of this we have just moved a few months ago so I am feeling lonely and isolated without my friends and I feel like I don't have anyone to turn to for support. I never ask him to get up in the night with her and he totally feels he should not have to, ever, because he goes to work and I stay home with her. He also seems to expect to get to sleep in every weekend. We fight about this. We also fight because he doesn't think I keep the house clean enough. I think he kinda feels like I don't do much during the days. Despite all that I am writing he is not just a jerk, and I feel like I am making him out to be one, but I just need to get these feeling out somewhere. (As I get to the end of this post I am not sure if I have made it too general for this forum, I started off just thinking about the sleep issue then realized there was more than that on my mind i guess, if it should go somewhere please feel free to move it Moderators.) Thanks for listening to my complaints.

[Louisep]

Big hugs, motherhood can be so hard and lonely. Get yourself out to meet some local mums.

DH and I fight all the time these days because I'm so tired and miserable. He doesn't question our parenting though, that would be tough. Plenty of people I know do question it though and I always think about my friend with twins. She did everything the same for both yet one STTN early on and the other still doesn't at 3. One twin is easy going, the other high needs. It really has not
little to do with AP, IMHO.

I wish you can reach an understanding with your DP. You're doing an awesome job.

[LCBMAX]

Yes there are other mamas who are sleeping less, (and if you count the extra months I've been at it with my 20 month old I guess I might be one of them), but if you are not feeling supported in your parenting choices then you are suffering as hard as anyone else. My husband and I have never stopped going to counseling since we started during a near-break up while dating, and sometimes I hope we never do stop! I love the security of knowing that our largest issues will be addressed, and in a skillful way, even when we are both sleep walking through our days and nights. I just really believe that getting married, or making a commitment, does not automatically mean that we live in great harmony. At least in our case, extra help means we can continue to grow our communication skills and our understanding, and that leads directly to growing our partnership and our love.

All of which is a plug for you dragging your partner kicking and screaming if necessary to couples therapy. You are only at month 9 in your baby's life, and there are (sorry to say) plenty of sleep-depriving challenges ahead. Motherhood can be more demanding than any job out in the world, but you don't have to tell him that right away, or again. Maybe start with how much you love him and want and need his support to make your family dreams come true, and would he please come get some help with you before you totally lose it. For a peak into my sleep-deprived misery with a really supportive partner, you can check out my post on having lost my self-care skills in the personal growth forum recently. Just to say that for me, the sleep deprivation can get so intense that it really starts to threaten my base health, and if my partner didn't have my back, I don't know how I'd do it.

May you find your dream partner again, already in your home!