Explaining Adoption?

[MomtoAshlee]

Not sure how to title this...

We adopted DD a day before her 1st birthday; we had had her since 2mths old. So we are all she knows. Her caseworker had adopted her 2 kids and she said she started using the word at 2 years old so they understood the meaning better when they did tell them they were adopted. DH and I plan to tell DD she is adopted because we don't feel we need to keep secrets from her. Plus we are allowing her half sister to have monthly visit. Her half sister, 8, is in custody of her aunt so the bio mother does not see our DD at all.

Are there any good books or something that we can start reading to DD to introduce "adoption" to her? I have a box of stuff from when we fostered her that I plan to give her when she is 21, or when she is ready for it, her choice.

[SundayCrepes]

We talk with our 3 year old about his baby sister's adoption. When we read books about birth, we talk about when he was in my tummy and when the baby was in her Mama (First name)'s tummy. We have some different adoption books that tell the story of different children and their adoption. They are on the bookshelf and we read them in rotation with every other book. It's a point of ongoing conversation. I'd suggest going to amazon.com and searching adoption books in the children's category. Read the reviews and see what you like. I don't have my books readily available to give you titles and the baby just woke up so no time to search.

Here is one book we have. It's about foreign adoption and unknown birthmother, which is not our case, but it is so beautiful I bought it anyway. http://www.amazon.com/Motherbridge-L...6664469&sr=8-1

[MomtoAshlee]

Thank you! I will do some research on some books! I need to ask DD's old caseworker what she did. I think she said she read a book, but for the life of me I can't remember the name of it.

[RedOakMomma]

There are so many good adoption books out there...start looking at listmania lists on Amazon and you'll see several. I like Horace and I Don't Have Your Eyes. The Family Book (and his The Adoption Book) are other popular ones that discuss how some families are formed through adoption.

Honestly, we use the word all the time, and have been since our daughter joined our family. She doesn't understand much, but it's part of our language and part of her arrival/birth story that we speak of often (dd is 2).

I can't really figure out why anyone would want to wait until a kid is a certain age to introduce the idea.

[SuzySunshine]

Talk early and often, but casually

The most important thing is that your child knows her adoption story before she even acquires language. There is no reason to make the word adoption taboo until she is two, you are going to use many words she doesn't understand between now and then! Talk about her adoption but also use book to open the dialog. A Mother For Choco is great for babies. Begin reading now, there will be no odd transition and you will be very comfortable with the topic by the time your baby is really grasping what you have to say!

[queenjane]

i'm contemplating making my own book, either a scrapbook type with actual pictures, or possibly having one of my brothers (good artists) illustrate it more like a children's book....and it would be Keegan's story, rather than a generic adoption story. Maybe something like "there once was a baby whose first mother could not take care of him....so he came to live in a home that was waiting for a child to love..." i dunno. i have to give it more thought!

[mamarhu]

Many children's books and tv shows/movies have foster or adoptive themes - Stuart Little, Free Willy, Miss Spider series, Tarzan, Annie, Oliver... and the list goes on. I know these are a little old for a tiny one, but I am in the habit of pointing out connections as I read. Just conversationally, not a "talk". One of my daughter's teachers is taking family leave as she adopts 2 kids from foster care. So we talk about it. Normalize the topic. I know we are older (7 & 8), but we have been this for years. We comment (politely and usually privately) on racially mixed families, like ours and different. We have talked about adopting pets. I just make a point of letting them see it as normal.

[queenjane]

I think my son will see adoption as "normal" as i am always talking about adoption...i'm just not sure he will understand that HE is adopted, and what that *really* means...i dont know if thats even something a toddler/preschooler etc can even really understand. I think i could probably tell him his adoption story over and over and he still might think i gave birth to him, yknow?

At what age do kids really start to grasp that concept? I suppose its a continuum huh?

[Kirsten]

A friend from high school used to celebrate both his birthday AND what they called "Gotcha Day" (the date he came to live with them). They were celebrated similarly - cake, gifts, family over for dinner, etc. His friends came to his birthday and not so much Gotcha Day - but other than that it was pretty much the same.

[Razzle_Dazzle]

Oooh! Thanks for asking this, OP and thanks for the book suggestions, gals!

I struggle with this because while adoption is a normal thing in our household, and I have many friends who have adopted, I still find that I run into people who act like adoption is a "dirty" word -- ya know, like, they will whisper it or give me a pitying look when they find out dd#2 is adopted. *That's* what concerns me more than anything else -- how other people will react to her when they find out she's adopted.

I am working on a Life Book for our girl. It's kinda like a baby book, but it explains how she came to be part of our family. I am including pics of her mom and dad (and as many other family members as I can get pics from). The idea is that the child can go to the book when *they* want to and look at it and ask questions.

I think it also helps that we have a very open adoption with her mom. I have contact with other members of her mom's family, and I know how to get in touch with her dad if I need to. So if she has questions, there are people we can ask.

She's only 3 so the most we have told her is that she grew inside of [birthmom's] tummy, but we are taking care of her.

Our situation is not "normal" inasmuch as I did not grow this child inside me, and she came to us via foster care. (Please understand that I am saying that it's not "normal" because most people aren't adopted; I am not knocking adoption!) But this is our "normal", this is our family, and we don't think there's anything wrong with being adopted.

[Whistler]

nak. I like the book "Over the moon".

[queencarr]

I agree with the PP who mentioned normalizing adoption and making it part of your everyday conversation. Honestly, it is a big reason I try to always answer the questions we ocasionally get from others --because my kids are listening. Answering "are they adopted?" with a big smile and a squeeze while I say "yes" goes a long way. It is tricky sometimes because I have 1 bio child, my oldest, as well, and my adopted children are Asian and dh, oldest ds and I are not. I have to keep a balance so that no one feels left out or stands out too much. Fortunately, my oldest does not like a lot of attention drawn to him, while the middle one loves to be the center of attention. The youngest varies depending on mood and who know what, but fortunately for us their natural personalities have meshed well with the level of attention they tend to get from strangers.

We also use our children's births/homecomings as time reference points in our conversations. So such and such happened before Jimmy was born, or after Connor came home kind of phrasing.

ETA: We also use the phrasing "when he came home" which often creates an opportunity to refer to adoptino positively.

We also throw in the occasional reference to their Korea Mom and Foster Mom's (which to my 4yo are interchangeable at this point--I am following his lead on the differentiation). When we can tie back to their lives pre-our family, we try to do so. For example, our middle ds has always loved spicy food and eats like a teenager (he is 4!). So we wonder out loud if his Mom ate lots of spicy food when she was pregnant and he developed a taste for it from her, or talk about how his Foster Mom fed him anything and everything he wanted because he was so joyful when he ate that she couldn't resist.

As far as books, I really like A Family Forever, but it deals with an overseas nonspecified Asian country adoption. Still, it deals with the idea of families coming together in different ways as well as exploring differences from the adopted family while finding similarities, too. A Mother for Choco is also excellent, and comes in a board book.

Lifebooks are a great idea, but I haven't ever managed to put them together. Maybe when my kids get married, I will have them done

[tropicaldutchtulip]

I have always talked to the girls and told others about the girls and where they really came from as if it is normal as can be. We are getting ready to adopt again so they know more now about my tummy is broke and we will be getting our son/their brother in CO. They know they were born in Chicago and I use their BM's name, same thing goes with our son's BM. I never say birthmother/birthfather, I use their names. I am their mother/DH their father! It is just a part of who they are and they see pictures of them with DH and I when we were in the hospital in the NICU. They know they did not come from my tummy and of course our son is not coming from my tummy either. We don't focus on the fact they are adopted, they are our family no matter how our family was created. But we don't hide it and talk very openly about it as well.

[Smithie]

How about books for kids who are not adopted as infants? We are hoping to foster-to-adopt a boy about age 5, and I'd love to have some books that address the issue beyond the "Kids Need to Be Safe" foster-type story.

[Jenille]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

A friend from high school used to celebrate both his birthday AND what they called "Gotcha Day" (the date he came to live with them). They were celebrated similarly - cake, gifts, family over for dinner, etc. His friends came to his birthday and not so much Gotcha Day - but other than that it was pretty much the same.

We also celebrate "Gotcha Day" with our son. Over the Moon and A Mother for Choco are two darling adoption-themed books that he loves.

[MomtoAshlee]

Thanks everyone! We decided not to celebrate the adoption day since it is a day before her birthday. Like I mentioned earlier, we do see her half sister and aunt monthly, so she has some contact with the bio family. However, we decided in the beginning that the bio parents would have no contact....long story but it is mainly the bio father. He has issues I don't want my DD around, KWIM? I do send the bio mother pictures monthly but that is the extent of her contact. I still have DD's outfit from the day she came home, along with her hospital bracelet and card in a shadow box in her room; it has her birth name on it. I also do have a couple of pictures of her bio mom with her in the hospital.

I want her to know that she is adopted because I could not carry her so God placed her in another tummy for me. Yes she was our foster child and it was not until months into the fostering that it turned towards adoption, but DH and I knew the moment we saw her, she was our DD. Oddly enough, everyone says she looks like me as a child. But that worries DH in the fact when she gets older and kids/adults can be rude/blunt and say "are you adopted because you look nothing like your parents?" While adoption is not "dirty" as one person posted, some may think it is and I don't want DD to think it is. I will look into all the books mentioned.

Oh and I did her baby book over the weekend (digital scrapbook), and I didn't put her adoption in it, nor her bio parents. DH didn't want me to and well, I didn't have anything to add about them. I will admit it was a hard year of fostering...I did it alone since DH was deployed and the bio father was not easy to get along with, very stressful to visit with him twice a week. Even at a young age, DD would cry when he was near. He stressed her out just by being around!!!

Wow, that was a book! Thanks again for all the posts!

[tropicaldutchtulip]

We don't celebrate their "gotcha day". Just their birthday just like any other child. Also we have not done any books as of yet. Yes, while adoption is special and we would not have our family without it, I just like to focus on that fact we are a family and they are my children. We just try to be a normal family. Works well for us so far.

[lauren]

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[angelailona]

We have many adoption books. Our favorite is When God Found Us You. It is a beautiful book!

[Tigerchild]

As a religious person, I totally believe that God can have a hand in making our paths cross one another...but I would urge you to at least think carefully about saying that God caused the adoption or that he 'put you in another person's tummy for me'.

Some adoptees will not think much of it when they're older, but it's not uncommon for them to be...really angry or squicked out at that concept as they get older and really start thinking about the hard aspects of faith.

You mean God made my birthmother have to grieve and suffer and give me away, so someone else can have me? Why? Why does someone else have to suffer because of me/my adoptive mom and dad? You mean really it was God's doing that I was neglected/abused so that someone better could have me? You mean that it doesn't matter to God that I feel loss and kind of mixed up about my birthfamily, He just couldn't be bothered to put me in the right place to begin with? And so on.

There are some things that give great comfort to adoptive parents I'm sure, but I think sometimes they can be interpreted and felt very differently by other parts of the triad. And you can't really control how your child will feel.

So gently, I'd consider maybe trying to think of more factual or neutral ways to say stuff like that. Or, at least be willing to introduce different ways of looking at it when your child grows older, just in case they are disturbed by that imagery. I was extremely disturbed by that sort of language as a kid. But when my favorite auntie was able to say to me, "I'm glad that God put you and me on paths that allowed us to be part of each other, I love you," it was a lot more comforting than most of the other religious imagery I'd been given (especially the birthmother incubated you but really he wanted me to have you story). It didn't take away (in my case) the very real aspect that it was my *birthmother* who technically made it possible for me to be adopted (I am a post-Roe Vs. Wade baby). It didn't spiritualize minimizing her as just the 'tummy for the really right person'. I'm sure it's hard to find words for little kids though, it's not like you can go in to the complexities of adoption choices with very young children.