Explaining Adoption? - Page 2

[Diane B]

I want to thank tigerchild for her comments. When your child is a baby or toddler, you pretty much run the show as the parent in terms of how you discuss adoption. But I'm telling you, it's important to think about the implications as they get older. For example, most adoption books are written totally from the standpoint of the adoptive parent. And what is that experience like for us? Generally, pretty positive, right? I will use Over the Moon as the example - I LOVED that book, so sweet, the "nice couple who cared for you" reference, etc. But you know what? When my daughter was about 3.5, she looked at me and said, "That book makes me really sad!" And I thought about it, and realized that HER experience of adoption was NOT like this book, and it was important that her experience take up equal space in our shared understanding of what happened. I don't need to continually heap my story on top of hers. (She does know "my" story of her adoption, and she likes to hear it, but we also talk about and consider together how it must have been from her perspective.)

So I think it's really important to consider the bigger messages we are sending our kids, and listen to the voices of adult adoptees. To an adoptive parent, it may indeed feel like, "God sent you to me." But let's consider carefully how this might sound to our children, and if we are creating enough space for them to express difficult feelings and thoughts when they are older.

[queencarr]

TC, Diane thanks for sharing. I had fleeting thoughts in those directions, but too little sleep and too much homework left me with little time or eloquence to express those thoughts as well as you.
TBH, it is something that I struggle with in words. Conceptually, I can totally wrap my head around how it works, but when I add words it always muddles. For Isaac's situation, especially, I feel like it is such a fine line. Without getting into specifics, several things had to align in just a certain way, and it was highly unlikely that any of them would and yet they all did. I don't know why (in the big picture, divine, grand scheme of things--I know the reasons that were given) they couldn't be parented in their birthfamilies. TC, I really like your aunt's wording--I think I will borrow from that idea as it's the closest I have seen words to that explains the jumble in my head.

Wondering if I am making sense--told you I was tired

[MomtoAshlee]

Thanks TC and Diane! I have often wondered that too. I know DD's caseworker's DD was at the point she was mad at her bio parents and her adopted parents, she hated being adopted. BTW, she was 10 yrs old. As much as I have thought about it, I have yet to really figure out the best way to explain it. I know right now it is hard to understand for an 18 month old, it is when she is older that I worry. I want her to know that her parents did love her but in the end they knew they could not take care of her the way she needed and they wanted her to be. The Bio Mother wanted to let us adopt DD within a few months of being in foster care. She told me that she knew DD would be well taken care of and loved, and that is all she wanted for her. I have great respect for the Bio Mother, which is why I still send pictures. However, the Bio father was totally different. I have no respect for him, but at the same time I don't want DD to know that. It was a different situation than most with DD's case. I won't go into details.

[lauren]

Originally Posted by Diane B

I want to thank tigerchild for her comments. When your child is a baby or toddler, you pretty much run the show as the parent in terms of how you discuss adoption. But I'm telling you, it's important to think about the implications as they get older. For example, most adoption books are written totally from the standpoint of the adoptive parent. And what is that experience like for us? Generally, pretty positive, right? I will use Over the Moon as the example - I LOVED that book, so sweet, the "nice couple who cared for you" reference, etc. But you know what? When my daughter was about 3.5, she looked at me and said, "That book makes me really sad!" And I thought about it, and realized that HER experience of adoption was NOT like this book, and it was important that her experience take up equal space in our shared understanding of what happened. I don't need to continually heap my story on top of hers. (She does know "my" story of her adoption, and she likes to hear it, but we also talk about and consider together how it must have been from her perspective.)

So I think it's really important to consider the bigger messages we are sending our kids, and listen to the voices of adult adoptees. To an adoptive parent, it may indeed feel like, "God sent you to me." But let's consider carefully how this might sound to our children, and if we are creating enough space for them to express difficult feelings and thoughts when they are older.

This is a very wise post. I think one of the profundities is that both of these experiences can be true at the same time--the loss for the child (and the birthparents), the gain for the adoptive parents, possibly other losses and gains--these can all be true simultaneously, and can be woven together into an integrated story that acknowledges all the feelings that everyone had and will have. The sadness of the child does not have to diminish the joy of the parents (or vice versa) if the parents are able to attune to the child's feelings and needs.

[Lollybrat]

Originally Posted by queenjane

I think my son will see adoption as "normal" as i am always talking about adoption...i'm just not sure he will understand that HE is adopted, and what that *really* means...i dont know if thats even something a toddler/preschooler etc can even really understand. I think i could probably tell him his adoption story over and over and he still might think i gave birth to him, yknow?

At what age do kids really start to grasp that concept? I suppose its a continuum huh?

I'm an adult adoptee. I was adopted as an infant in a closed adoption in the early 1970s.

My Mom and Dad often used the words adopted and adoption from the time I was very young. I knew as a preschooler that I was adopted. I didn't really understand that it meant until I was about 7 or 8 years old (interestingly, child development experts call this the "age of reason"). Around that age I began to understand that I had another set of parents out there somewhere. This was a very hard age for me, and I remember going through something like a mourning period while I tried to understand and accept the loss of my birthparents. Mom and Dad understood this and were very supportive.

[MommyKelly]

Our 5 yo we got when she was 2 1/2, She remembers coming here, plus we still have contact with her foster family. Our newest 2 we got 15 months ago, were 5 and barely 2. The 5 yo knows, but the now 3 year we read books to. He has some pretty bad delays so we are not sure how much of it he "gets" but I want to make sure that one day its not some kind of surprise to him.

We like:

I Wished for You - An Adoption Story
by Marianne Richmond

How I Was Adopted : Samantha's Story
By Joanna Cole

and we adopted her on National adoption day and the Judge gave her a copy of Happy Adoption Day
By John McCutcheon

This is a good resourse for finding books:
http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/bo...-adoption.html

[Mike A]

We found a great book for little ones. "How I Was Adopted" by Joanna Cole. It went a little more into detail about the female body parts then I wanted to read aloud to my 3 year old, but is was really cute and related to my little girl. It was simple and clear demonstrated the love that exists for the little character in the book. From both birth family and adoptive family.

[marsupial-mom]

We have two books that I really like:
A Mother for Choco
Rosie's Family

Both are about young animals who are being raised by another species or breed.

Choco is bird who find a home with Mrs Bear. Mrs Bear has other adopted/foster animals too like Ally the alligator. Despite the Mrs, the Bear seems like she might be a single parent. There's no Mr Bear mentioned.

Rosie is a beagle being raised by Schnauzers. These parents seem to represent a typical hetero couple. There isn't really a "story", just lots of descriptions.

I'd say both books are appropriate up to about age 8.

[Xeli]

Although this may sound surprisingly simple, I would just talk about it like you would any other "birth" story.  I don't remember ever being told I was adopted, nor do I remember it being a big deal or a sit down discussion or anything.  I just always knew I was adopted.  Terms have changed a bit since I was a kid, but that is less to do with my own preference versus political correctness... I always knew my birth mother was my bio-mom (as we called her) and that my adopted mom was my "real" mom.  It was always just expressed as my bio-mom really loved me and thought I would be best off with my real mom.  There were no books or Adoption-Birthdays or anything like that.  However, it was always treated in a super positive light yet normal, and that it likely why I have always been very comfortable with my adoption experience.  So I guess my point is that you don't need to make a big deal out of it... in fact, keeping it casual and positive is all you really need to do.  My adoption was an infant one, and it really was a simple, easy process, so that might make a difference.

Someone else in my family who was also adopted had a scrapbook made for them about their adoption story by their social worker.  Their adoption was much more traumatic (pre-school age/taken from birth family due to neglect/abuse) but the scrapbook sort of ignored that part of and painted everyone in a very happy light aka "Your first mom tried really hard to take care of you, but sometimes it was really tough for her, and that is when you went to go live with your other mom" etc.  They seem okay with their adoption, but not as pro-adoption as me.  That could be purely because of the different circumstances though.

[akingme]

I was there when my son was born and he has been "mine" from that moment. So the idea of at "Gotcha Day" for a domestic adoption seemed odd and forced to me. I think it makes much more sense if the child is from another country or perhaps if they are older when you adopt. For me, he has a birthday, which is when he became my son, and that's what we celebrate. Regarding the talking about adoption, I read something wonderful in a book once...and it said that the ideal situation would be that your child 'never can remember when they were told they were adopted." Meaning that it should be something that is discussed openly and always has been, so that it's just part of who they are. My son is only 16 months old and I have many of the books you mentioned, but they seem a bit early for him,  however the one he likes right now, that he picked out on his own from the shelf,is Todd Parr's family book. It talks about all different kind of families and so we read about families with one parent, or two, families with step parents, families who look like one another, or look like their dogs (he loves that!). And it mentions adoption and I say: Mommy adopted you. And then on to the next page.

I feel like that's a great way right now. We have a photo of his birth mom in his room, with other family photos. Someone suggested that was a good thing to do. I show it to him sometimes, but he has seen his birth mom a few times and she will be in his life forever, hopefully, so I'm aiming for the "adoption conversation" to never happen. He'll just know, and he'll know his birth mom and he'll have a life book (if I ever get it together!!).

Much luck.

[Buddhamom]

My daughter is almost 6 and we got her at 3 days old right from the hospital.  We have a closed, somewhat unknown background adoption so there isn't much to expand on.  Basically she has asked questions because she is full AA and DH, myself and her two sdult sisters are caucasian.  I think now that I am unexpectedly preg. more questions have come up because she knows I didn't give birth to her.  We basically have explained (in child terms) that DH and I wanted another baby and told our socialworker that we were looking for a very special brown baby (that is her favorite part). We have told her that there was a lady that had a baby and couldn't take care of her and asked that we be her Mommy and Daddy and as soon as they told us we jumped right on the plane and got her.  She is fine with all that.  We do not celebrate anything other than her birthday.  Part of this came from talking with our close friend who was adopted and also had siblings that was his parents bio children.  He told us that if his parents had celebrated adoption day and constantly told him how special he was and adopted that he woud have felt different than his siblings and it would have bothered him.  So far this all works for us.  But we got her at only 3 days old so she has known nothing else.  She remembers nursing for 3 years and co-sleeping (we still do that, just not all the time), and sees pictures of herself being tiny in our arms. Perhaps for a child that has previous memories would be different.