Please Help Me With A VERY Whiney 10 MO

[LilacMama]

I am am my wit's end with my DD. She is only happy when she is being held AND given full, entertaining attention. She likes to go places also. At home she whines CONSTANTLY when awake (it's like a drill in my head) and paws at me to pick her up. I tried holding/cuddling/nursing her ALL day yesterday to see if she just needed some serious mama time and it DID NOT HELP. The second I put her down she was back to her pitiful crying/moaning. I've given her every teething remedy known to man, including ibuprofen, and they did not help. I don't think it's teething. She does get plenty of sleep. She's well fed. I just don't get it!

The only think that helps is entertainment. I think she's just incredibly bored by her toys and our house. I can't get anything done without her pulling on my pant legs and whining pitifully. It drives me up the wall. She likes her carrier, but I can't wear it for more than an hour without my back hurting. She likes walks, but we can't walk ALL day. I need her to be able to entertain herself for 10 minutes without acting like a tragic victim.

She has found a way to push my buttons BIG TIME. How do I gently teach her that this behavior is not okay? I've just been picking her up and and playing with her and nursing her all day long, every day, and feeling really resentful.

FTR, this started a week ago. She's always been on the whiney/clingy side, but the CONSTANT whining from sun-up to sun-down is new. My husband watched her when I was at work yesterday and he said he was starting to get really depressed.

[ssh]

Do you have a baby backpack? The ones with aluminum frames make your child feel alot liter. They put all the weight at your center of gravity. It could be more comfortable than your carrier. Is she cruising yet? Some times LOs got through clingy stages and can't entertain themselves. With my DD completely meeting her needs seemed to make the clingy times go by faster/easier. No whining, just a child on my back, in my arms or in my lap all the time is a better option for me than grumpy child.

[maryeb]

My first ds was like that as well. My second isn't nearly as much like that since he has his brother to watch and follow around. It's easier. But....they both fussed more right before they were walking. I also just think many babies are super social and want to be around others. Do you do any classes or go to the park? I would try to increase park time, etc if you are able and just meet her needs as you can. Is there a class you could take for yourself or go on walks so it's not so overwhelming? It's hard to be the sole entertainer!

[lilylumos]

I don't have any advice, but wanted to say I am going through the same thing with my DD - she's 13 mths. I know how frustrating it can me, and then you get upset with yourself for feeling the way you do!

Someone commented on my post that she might be about to start walking? That babies get like that when they're getting ready for that milestone. It made sense for my DD because she is very close to walking on her own. For her though she was always independent and easy until just a few weeks ago, then suddenly very clingy and needy.

[faithsstuff]

i have to admit I want to laugh and cry at the same time. This is my son to perfection! If you find an answer let me know! All I can figure is that he is majorly teething and growing through a huge developmetal spurt. I hope things get better asap
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[justKate]

Maybe try a different carrier, like a PP suggested? DD does better with the whining now that she rides in the Ergo more, but it's still pretty bad. She's 8 months and just figured out that whining gets as much, if not more, of a response then screaming. I think that's why she's doing it more. Just to communicate.

I hope someone has more suggestions....

[sgmom]

It does sound like she's bored, but don't dismiss teething just because medicine doesn't work.

As for carrying, I find my baby wrap works miracles over ANY traditional carrier. I can throw her up on my back, do dishes, vacuum, etc. Sometimes I'll dance while I do this, and she LOVES the dancing.

It's the boredom that will get you though (I know all about that drill in the head!). I would have her engage in every day activities. Sweeping the floor (my daughter LOVED helping with the floor from about 8 months), laundry (hide toys or balls in your laundry and help her look for them while you fold, or encourage her to find the socks), also designating a drawer (bottom kitchen works well) for her to play in (take things out, put them back, etc) also worked well for us. Anything new... Even hiding toys then bringing them back out a week or so later can be fun.

My daughter LOVED (still does) peekaboo from behind toys or furniture, as well as "gotcha", where I chase her, then crawl backwards and encourage her to chase me. I end this with a tickle game, usually.

I would also suggest (if you can) taking her outside to run off some energy. A change of scenery and some fresh air never helps, and it sounds like it might help. Whenever my daughter got completely out of control with her whining and need to be with me (carried, engaged in play, etc), I would take her shopping. Best fun ever!!

All of this said, this too shall pass!

[chfriend]

How mobile is she?

My first didn't walk until she was 13 months and needed to be up on a person pretty much all the time.

My second walked at 10 months and was perfectly happy to go around the house getting into stuff.

[LynnS6]

Your daughter is beginning to develop separation anxiety. It freaks them out, and drives parents batty!

Spend as much time as you can carrying her (a MeiTei or a backpack would be easier on your back). When you can't, keep her near you if you can.

When you need to set her down, be matter of fact about it. "I need to start fixing dinner. I can pick you up again when the food is in the oven." Give her something interesting from the kitchen to play with while you do this. (Or give her some laundry to play with while you fold, or give her a clean washcloth while you wipe down the bathroom etc. etc.).

I'd also suggest long walks exploring outside as much as you can. It's going to be winter soon, and it gets harder. Indoors, she might need some different things to do. Put some music on and dance. Rotate your toys so she has something "new" to play with. Make a sensory bin with some rice and beans.

I think it's perfectly fine to set your limits. When you're touched out, take a break. You do need to make sure you meet your needs too.

She WILL get better at entertaining herself. How good she'll depends on her temperament and personality.

I wonder too if she's not either teething or coming down with something. Nine times out of 10 when my kids whine from sun-up to sun-down, they get sick a few days later.

[LilacMama]

Well, it's been a few days and she's as whiney as ever! We have enjoyed some walks outside and some coffee shop trips, but otherwise our apartment just seems to agitate and upset her! Could it have something to do with separation anxiety even though I'm nearby and within eyesight? Anyone else have any ideas? I just had a good cry about it this morning, I feel a little better.

[dianakaye]

I know how you feel- sometimes I want to explode with all the whining because I feel like I'm trying so hard to be a good mom, and to my LO it doesn't seem to be enough!

My little one (11 months) can be the same about our apartment. I don't know what your situation is like, but for me I think he hates the apartment because he knows that I do my alone time or chores in the apartment and he's expected to play by himself for a few minutes (yeah, right. like that happens). When we're out and about he's either in arms/carrier (like in a store) or being played with (park/library) so he knows he's close to me and getting plenty of attention. When we're home he gets ignored more because I have chores to do or want do something by myself (like check my email) for a few minutes. One thing that helps us is setting aside play time up front and trying to limit chores and alone time to when dad is home or little one is asleep. I don't think there's really any way to teach independent play other than playing with them. Eventually they can play for 10-15 minute stretches by themselves, but it's a lot to expect of a baby. And I would say that any sort of disruption in their lives (teething, milestones, separations) makes them much less likely to be able to play alone. When my little one finds something he likes doing alone I rush and get something done and try to get back before he's bored/lonely so that he doesn't associate me being not right next to him with boredom or anxiety. I hope this helps a little bit, and I know it's so hard- nails on a chalkboard!

[delfin]

i truly believe babies are in emotional fusion with their mothers. They feel what you feel and there's no distintion between mama's feelings and baby's feelings, they are all the same energy. So i'm wondering...how are you? what is going on in your life? You can try talking to her, and explaining what you are going trough (whatever it is) and putting words to something she's sensing but cannot organize in her mind. By telling her what you are experiencing, you free her of your worries(or thoughts, or fears or anxiety).
other than that, rarely 10 m old babies can entertain themselves for 10 minutes.

best of lucks mama!

[LROM]

I know some here are anti-t.v. so this may not work for you, but I also don't really want my 10 month old watching t.v.. But it's exactly those 15-20 min breaks to do vital things like cook, clean, and get her food ready for daycare that I will turn on kiddie t.v. and she'll still fidget and play (I always put toys right next to her) but she's usually good for up to 10 min watching Dora the Explorer, Agent Oso or the Backyardigans.

Then, no matter what's on t.v., she is done and wants me so either starts whining or - now that she crawls and cruises - I have to keep peeking at her to make sure she's not about to crawl off somewhere if she's not whining.

When I desperately need to get something in the kitchen done and she's just clinging, I either put her on the kitchen floor with measuring cups, whisks, spatulas and lids to cans... or I strap her on my back and let her watch everything (and try to keep her hands/feet away from the stovetop!). Those 2 things usually work to buy like 5 min, maybe 10 of kitchen time.

[Surfacing]

This was my first dd and I seriously was losing my mind.

Getting out, seeing new people, new things, providing her with stimulation worked. I was surprised one day when I went to a new coffee shop that we had never been to before. Well! She was cooing and giggling and beside herself with joy at the new surroundings.

I remember signing up for the YMCA and letting her run around the gym with the bigger kids, playing with balls, hoola hoops, high jump mats, etc. She just CRAVED that interaction, the activity and stimulation.

It will get easier. But yes, you do have to set limits. I remember putting her down and listening to her whine for 40 minutes while I cooked supper. Every. Day. That's why Mommy got on Prozac!

ETA -- and this is where clearly I need to state that when I put her down it was at my feet to play, and then I'd pick her up again and hold her, rock her, involve her, and then put her down again. And it was just her whiney time of day.

I remember calling a parent help line once and the counsellor asked whether I can cook supper earlier in the day when she's napping, and simply reheat at suppertime, so I can spend time with her playing during her normally whiney time. Does that idea help you at all?

Good luck, hang in there.

[delfin]

man, set limits? it's a baby we are talking here!
40 minutes? that's a reeeeeaaally long time to let a baby cry, and is just....not the solution.
i think our expectations of babies are a bit off these days...

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by delfin

man, set limits? it's a baby we are talking here!
40 minutes? that's a reeeeeaaally long time to let a baby cry, and is just....not the solution.
i think our expectations of babies are a bit off these days...

Whining isn't crying. It can readily become crying, but it isn't crying.

As for the OP, sorry if this has been suggested already, but mei tai, backcarry, and singing about every thing you do?

(And I'm going here because I keep freaking forgetting to use my carrier with my 14 month old who is working on 3 molars at once.)

[lisavark]

OP, I could not set my daughter down for any length of time at all until she was well over a year old and walking. Now at 20 months she is starting to be able to entertain herself for a few minutes at a time. Sometimes as long as ten minutes if she has a really interesting toy and we've done a lot of fun things together that day.

So...I really think it's normal for a 10 month old to want nonstop attention from you. At least, that was totally normal for my DD! Seriously...I know the whining is annoying, but in the big picture, cooking and cleaning really can wait. You will not look back ten years from now and wish that you'd spent more time cooking or had a cleaner house. You will look back in ten years and wish that you'd spent more time playing with and holding your baby. As much as you can, let everything else go and just enjoy her!

And when you absolutely HAVE to do other stuff, include her as much as you can. I always had DD in the carrier while I cooked. I know you're not supposed to do that, but I put her on my back and just did it. It was the only way I could cook, because there was no way I could stand the whining. I don't even LIKE to cook, so if my baby didn't like it either...well, it just wasn't going to happen!

Oh, and definitely start scheduling regular fun things for the two of you to do together! DD and I have activities pretty much every day together, and it makes life a lot more fun...plus it gets me out of our messy house that I can never clean... We go to playgroups and the YMCA and storytime at the library. Ten months is definitely old enough to enjoy a playgroup! She won't play with the other kids but she will love being in a new environment with new toys, and you will love being around other moms.

And do crockpot dinners when you can. Cooking is easier in the morning, because kids are usually less cranky then...or if you're really together, you can cook on the weekends and just have freezer bags of prepared meals ready to throw in the crockpot every morning. Someday I will be that together and not have to worry about weekday cooking anymore. That's one of my goals in life.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by delfin

man, set limits? it's a baby we are talking here!
40 minutes? that's a reeeeeaaally long time to let a baby cry, and is just....not the solution.
i think our expectations of babies are a bit off these days...

I don't find this comment helpful at all. Have you ever had to parent a child who whined constantly, no matter what you did? No matter all the co-sleeping, nursing, attention, reading, playing, etc? Are you not educated on the fact that some children are born with such a temperament and not everything is Mommy's fault?

ETA - When I was talking about setting limits it was meant like if you're exhausted, on your last nerve, your back is aching and burning, and you just have to put your child down *for a moment*, then yes, do it! That is an appropriate limit, a Mother honouring her own limit. If you feel like you're going to lose it, take a break and regroup. Why should a Mother martyr herself? That only harbours resentment, feelings of low self esteem, etc. We all have different limits because we are all different people, we all bring different things to Mothering (different temperaments, body chemistry, childhood experiences, beliefs, values, etc).

And just for the record I have not let my child cry for 40 minutes. I rocked my colicy child for hours, and to this day she is intense and emotional. Sometimes your kid is just going to whine and cry, no matter what you do! Granted you have to try everything and see if there is a need you can meet.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by lisavark

And when you absolutely HAVE to do other stuff, include her as much as you can. I always had DD in the carrier while I cooked. I know you're not supposed to do that, but I put her on my back and just did it. It was the only way I could cook, because there was no way I could stand the whining.

Yeah we did this plenty of times too. Or set her up on the floor near me with a bucket of cool oatmeal and some cups, spoons for some sensory play.

ETA - casting my mind back, I can remember also putting her in a swing or high chair with something interesting like applesauce, avocado bits or mashed yam balls rolled in flax seed. Or a cookie. That sometimes kept her busy and happy for awhile while I did some chopping.

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by Surfacing

I don't find this comment helpful at all. Have you ever had to parent a child who whined constantly, no matter what you did? No matter all the co-sleeping, nursing, attention, reading, playing, etc? Are you not educated on the fact that some children are born with such a temperament and not every dang thing is Mommy's FAULT?????????????????

I find this comment rather rude. I HAVE had to deal with what you describe (and then some, SEVERAL times), and I agree that 40 minutes is WAY too long to let them cry. I also think it was rude of you to imply that she is not educated, and also to imply that she suggested everything is "mommy's fault".

Little ones don't know how to tell us that something is wrong, and so often if we're not getting the message, they whine or cry. My daughter doesn't cry ever. She whines, she fusses, she hangs on to my leg, she can be a royal pain in my patooty (and a very large drill in my head)... but she almost never cries. Often if something is really bothering her (usually pain, nb teething), NOTHING will satisfy her. Not pain medicine, not distractions, not even cuddles from me. The best I can do during these times is be there for her, in whatever way she needs. If I have to, I'll set her down beside me, and follow her lead (rather than force her into a cuddle if she struggles being held). But I most certainly would not abandon her to fight it out all by herself. Not for even 5 minutes, and certainly not for 40.