DD knows who her donor is

[Elliesmama]

Hello all- I just wanted to get some feedback on the issue of known donors and how others have handled it.

Our situation: Dp and I chose to have 2 kids with known donor (a friend). Our original intent was so that kids could know who their biological father is, but not to have him be their dad (ie involved in their daily lives). He has relinquished parental rights and we have done second parent adoptions. So, we started out by telling our oldest, who is 3.5 yrs old, that he was her "Biodad". Now we have realized that this was likely a mistake as she cannot distinguish between a "biodad" and a social dad like all the other kids in her preschool class have . (It is a progressive preschool and there are other alternative families there--just not in her class.)

The reason we think this may have been a mistake is on advice of physcologist who specializes in the mental health of children of same-sex parents, who is also a lesbian mom. Her reasoning for us not revealing his identity until she is older and able to handle the information is that she will have unmet expectations from a "dad" who isn't a dad. Also, that she will not know how to deal with the outside world--in other words what does she say to her classmates about what kind of "dad' she has.

Now, it just came up today that it looks like she does know who he is, we were not sure exactly what a 3 year old would remeber. Are there any of you with known donors who do not play a father role in your child's life? If so, how have you handled the situation.

Thanks --Elizabeth

[jadensmama1]

I don't have any words of wisdom but can relate to your situation. Our son was conceived with a known donor and he is just about 2 1/2...I imagine that the questions will be coming soon enough. Initially, we thought we would do EXACTLY what you did. Now, after reading your post and what the psychologist said, I am not so sure. Sometimes I think it would have been much easier to use an unknown donor. Good luck and I wish I could have been of some help.

[simcon]

Like Jadensmama1, we may be in a similar situation sometime in the future. The one thing I've thought, though, is that I'd never use "dad" in any form to explain the relationship. We've been adamant with *everyone* that X is dd's donor, and that's the terminology we'll use with her--never any form of dad.

[seedgirl]

Re: DD knows who her donor is

Originally posted by Elliesmama
. Are there any of you with known donors who do not play a father role in your child's life? If so, how have you handled the situation.

Thanks --Elizabeth [/B]

Hi,

We are in a similar place. Our donor is known, is our upstairs neighbor, and plays the role of Uncle in our three girls' lives. We have not ever referred to him as dad, nor has he. Almost every week, a conversation with our three year old turns to how her family was made. We tell her her uncle helped make her and now her mommy , mom mom and Uncle all love her very much.

Its not too complex. She is three. : ) What we are striving for is for there NEVER to be "the moment" when we spill the beans about our family. We want it to be a part of her daily life. Something that shes "always known"

I hope this helps. I, too, wondered about using the word "bio-dad" but was struck by how close it was to simply "dad". (and her uncle is NOT in that role.

[madison]

My son was conceived using a willing to be known donor and we've spoken to him on the phone numerous times and maintain an email relationship, sending pix of his kids and mine back & forth.

I am calling him "uncle" and his kids "cousins". And just like someone else said, he'll be the uncle who helped mommy have her babies. That definition will last a long time until he understands the reproductive system, lol.

madison

[rebasea]

I was suprised to read how intense the therapists reaction was. The child asked you guys? I would just keep answearing her questions as they come up. I've heard from parents of older kids ( mines 8 weeks) that it helps to join a social group for kids of queer parents. Maybe www.collage.org could have a resource. We belong to a Rainbow Families group and it's nice to see other families that look like ours.
Best of luck.

[Elliesmama]

Hey all --

Thank you for your responses. Things have definately gotten better.

We decided to talk with dd and basically tell her that her donor is not her "dad". What we said was that he was someone who helped us when she was born. So far, this seems to have been a good move. She seems more clear on exactly who is in her family. We have also reinforced our family with books and other families like ours (there is a local group here in Atlanta that we had started to be involved with, rebasea, but what a good suggestion!).

Something interesting that the physcologist said to us was that she highly recommends that we do not use the word "Uncle" to refer to the kids' donor. We, like many of you, had thought this would be a good way to make the realtionship seem a little more special. We did not get a chance to ask further why she thought this--just FYI for others to take and do with it what they will.

THanks!

BTW, Madison, weren't we preg at the same time and you had yours early and me late?? I

[max_4477]

I think the "uncle" thing can be pretty culturally based. I personally use "donor" for our (not yet known) donor and would probably do the same for a known donor who was not a parent, but there are a couple of very close but not blood-related adults we refer to as "uncle" or "aunt" so & so.

I can see how referring to a biological father as an uncle could be confusing (especially if there are biological uncles & aunts too!) to a kid who is figuring out family ties. But in the context where it's normal to have non-bio "uncles & aunties" and if the donor was involved to that extent I wouldn't see it as inappropriate.

BTW - I met a woman once who was working on a children's book called "uncle daddy" abtou a kid conceived with her dyke mom's BIL's sperm. Haven't seen the actual book anywhere yet, but hopefully one of these days...

[rebasea]

My friends 4 year old uses the term "Donor Dad" and seems really well adjusted about the whole thing.