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It's been eight years...

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
...since my DS was born. It was a terrible experience of highly induced labor that lasted 72 hours and ended with a instrumental delivery - without the any pain meds. I still cannot remember the pain - only the screaming and the intense fear. I was so scared he would die that I was afraid to love him for the first five days of his life. I suffered from PTSD because of it.

I just need a bit of support and a hug tonight.

TIA mamas.
post #2 of 8
hugs to you mama! i had a very similar experience and am very scared to face birth again (with the need for another induction). thank you for sharing. i hope writing about it brings you peace.
post #3 of 8
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by melodyka View Post
hugs to you mama! i had a very similar experience and am very scared to face birth again (with the need for another induction). thank you for sharing. i hope writing about it brings you peace.
Yes, it did bring me peace. Thank you for your support. I write here every year - I don't really think about it anymore the rest of the year.

Do you want more kids and if so have you thought about what kind of birth you want? I might have another child in a few years and I'm really torn about c-section and home birth....
post #4 of 8


I hope you find more and more peace each year.
post #5 of 8
Thread Starter 
Mamas,
Today is his birthday and I feel terrible. I want to share something with you that I've never told anyone else - I'm just too ashamed. When my DS was born I let the nurses take him during the first night. They took him to my room when he needed to BF but I let him sleep alone. And that is not normal practice in Denmark - the nurses recommend co-sleeping from the first nigth. I just couldn't be with him at that point. The second night my husbond took him (he was such a great dad) and by the third night I was ready to co-sleep with him.

This is really causing me a lot of pain today. I just can't seem to forgive myself. I didn't sleep for four consecutive nights during labor so I guess it's understandable. Especially since the birth was so traumatizing and painful. I just feel like the worse mom ever because I wasn't able to give my son the one thing I find most important.

God, I could really use some more hugs.

Thanks for reading.
post #6 of 8
Oh my.

I understand your feelings. I let my son sleep alone (but in the room) his first night and for every other night until he was about 4 months. I also feel that I didn't hold him enough/nurse him enough in those first days. I wish I had never let him go. I wish I had let him snuggle up. I wish I hadn't had so many visitors and had limited the time they held him. I wish I had co slept with him sooner. I remember when he was 2-3 months old, he would scootch himself against the bars of his crib and the cry and I would move him back to the center. It breaks my heart to think of that. He was trying to find ME. I feel miserable about it. I wish so many things and it used to really hurt. I still regret things but we can't beat ourselves up. I too had a long labor. I never realized how OUT OF IT I could be after birth. I was not thinking straight in any way shape or form. I just have to accept that. It is similar to when I think of some idiotic thing I did when I was 12 or 21. How can I be angry with myself when I was not yet myself? It sounds to me like you are an amazing mama who got that baby int bed as soon as you were ready to. After that long labor you may not have been ready to sleep with that baby. Maybe what you really needed was to get some good sleep on your own so you could be present with your son. I know that it is easy to say "look you had a healthy baby. get over it!" and it is harder to be at peace deep in ourselves when we feel these regrets about our babies' first hours/days. The truth is that they are okay, that at this point it is a bigger deal to us then to them, that they will never explicitly remember, and even if they did, they would FORGIVE US. I hold my son all the time when he naps and we snuggle all night every night. I know that I am making up for lost time. My next baby will get that from the beginning but I don't kid myself that everything will be perfect and I won't regret anything. But I will know that I must forgive myself, must go easy on myself, and must get over it and be present so I don't miss any more.

I really think you need to try to do away with this shame. You don't deserve to feel shame. I know you think you do but you truly do not. Tell more people. Get it out. I often tell my baby ds the story of his birth and his first days and I make myself focus on all of the good things, and it makes me realize how great it was and how much I did actually hold him and bond. I tend to get caught up in what I consider to be negative but we are so okay.

Peace and love to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post #7 of 8
Thread Starter 
Thank you Harmony! That was such a beautiful post and just what I needed to hear. You've helped me immensely!
post #8 of 8
I'm so glad
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