Oh my.
I understand your feelings. I let my son sleep alone (but in the room) his first night and for every other night until he was about 4 months. I also feel that I didn't hold him enough/nurse him enough in those first days. I wish I had never let him go. I wish I had let him snuggle up. I wish I hadn't had so many visitors and had limited the time they held him. I wish I had co slept with him sooner. I remember when he was 2-3 months old, he would scootch himself against the bars of his crib and the cry and I would move him back to the center. It breaks my heart to think of that. He was trying to find ME. I feel miserable about it. I wish so many things and it used to really hurt. I still regret things but we can't beat ourselves up. I too had a long labor. I never realized how OUT OF IT I could be after birth. I was not thinking straight in any way shape or form. I just have to accept that. It is similar to when I think of some idiotic thing I did when I was 12 or 21. How can I be angry with myself when I was not yet myself? It sounds to me like you are an amazing mama who got that baby int bed as soon as you were ready to. After that long labor you may not have been ready to sleep with that baby. Maybe what you really needed was to get some good sleep on your own so you could be present with your son. I know that it is easy to say "look you had a healthy baby. get over it!" and it is harder to be at peace deep in ourselves when we feel these regrets about our babies' first hours/days. The truth is that they are okay, that at this point it is a bigger deal to us then to them, that they will never explicitly remember, and even if they did, they would FORGIVE US. I hold my son all the time when he naps and we snuggle all night every night. I know that I am making up for lost time. My next baby will get that from the beginning but I don't kid myself that everything will be perfect and I won't regret anything. But I will know that I must forgive myself, must go easy on myself, and must get over it and be present so I don't miss any more.
I really think you need to try to do away with this shame. You don't deserve to feel shame. I know you think you do but you truly do not. Tell more people. Get it out. I often tell my baby ds the story of his birth and his first days and I make myself focus on all of the good things, and it makes me realize how great it was and how much I did actually hold him and bond. I tend to get caught up in what I consider to be negative but we are so okay.
Peace and love to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hugs to you mama! i had a very similar experience and am very scared to face birth again (with the need for another induction). thank you for sharing. i hope writing about it brings you peace.
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