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Please. I need help. I just can't do this anymore.

post #1 of 34
Thread Starter 
I've finally come to the PPD board...it's just gotten so bad I cant deal anymore...

I feel utter RAGE and despair whenever she starts her crying/screaming outbursts which is several times a day. I'm crying right a long with her and saying out loud "i cant take this anymore!" asking her in a yelling tone of voice "what do you WANT!!!" She doesnt sleep during the day, she's constantly cranky, i often hate nursing her because she fights it even though i know she's hungry

I dont want to yell. I dont want to feel like this...I dont feel like getting out of bed in the morning just dreading the day ahead.

Yesterday dh came home from work and took her and asked for a hug and the second i hugged him i couldnt stop the tears from falling. I cried and cried and cried for an hour, telling him i dont want to be a mom anymore and why cant she be normal and i'm not cut out for this job...even to the point that again later when he wanted to comfort me i refused to hug him because "I dont even want to see her" (he was holding her)

It's honestly gotten that bad. Many times I dont even want to see her. I dont want to hear her. I dont want to play with her. I just want to hide and be alone and let her fend for herself

Being cooped up in the house all day long with a screaming baby, with freezing cold temps outside, I feel like i'm going to go crazy. I dont want anyone over because my house is a mess and I cant clean it up. I dont want to go out because she causes such a fuss when I have to get her jacket on and get her in the carseat it's not even worth the effort.

I've taken a few ppd quizzes over the past couple of months and every one i've taken points to depression...After yesterday and today I'm ready to finally do something about it. I've waited way too long and I dont want this to go on. She deserves to have a mom that genuinely wants to comfort her not just because i want her to shutup I constantly have thoughts running thru my mind and i cant even pinpoint what they are. just a jumbled mess in my head. cant concentrate. constantly staring off into space.

I am THISCLOSE to using CIO

I want to enjoy being a mom. Is that too much to ask? I've been dreaming about how i would treat my kids differently than I had been treated and here i am miserable and cant cope a mere 8 months after she's born. what a failure.

I want to know more about ppd. What causes it? What can I do to help myself cope? Are there tests they run to find out about the chemical imbalance in the brain? Are there natural ways I can treat this? what choice of meds do i have that are ok with breastfeeding? (not zoloft, was on that shortly in highschool and had lots of side effects)

sorry if this doesnt make sense...she's crying next to me.. i even yelled at a telemarketer today that called while dd was screaming...

: :
post #2 of 34
I don't have answers. But I do care and will be praying for you. There are a lot of really smart ladies here who can help you out. I am glad you have decided to get help for this terrible problem. I really feel for you momma.
post #3 of 34
NAK, so this will be short...

but I just had to offer you a big hug

can your dh take a weekday off? you need a block of time during business hours to start making phone calls: your OB or midwife, a PPD support group, a psychologist, LLL.

Help is out there!!! Take steps to find it.

Good luck honey. We are here supporting you.

post #4 of 34
Check out the Post Partum Support International web site:

You need to call your OB or your family doctor and go in, perferably with your dh by your side if he is willing. It is fabulous that you are know ready to ask for help. Don't put it off any longer. It can be intimidating to call and make that appointment. IF you don't want to do it, make your dh call and schedule the appointment for you.
Ask your OB for a reference for a therapist. The combination of both your doctor and your therapist makes a great team.
Remember, PPD is treatable. With treatment it is temporary. You can feel joy again.
Please check back and let me know how you are doing.
PM me if you need to.
post #5 of 34
Oh, I just cried when I read your email.


Now here's the hard part - you must ask for help. dh has no idea what to do, so you have to ask him specific things.
**Start with the easy stuff - either ask him to clean the house, or hire a housekeeper - STAT. It's so stressful looking at all the stuff you can't get to.
**Next, get a baby sitter. Find a friend, neighbor, family, SOMEONE to give you a couple hours a day of time to yourself. You understand what I mean when I say that being away from her is sometimes the best thing for your beautiful baby. When you are strong and peaceful you can be the mom you've always wanted to be.
**You may need medicine, and that's ok. I know from being there that just getting some time to yourself, some time to get your life together, and some help around the house is HUGE, and sometimes all it takes. But if you need more - it's OK!

Girlfriend - we all need each other. Talk to your girlfriends. Tell them how much you need some help right now. I guarentee you will be amazed at how many of them will tell you they have experienced the same thing you are feeling right now. You would help your girlfriends - let them be part of your life and help you. That's what we're here for.

You are strong and beautiful - and I don't even know you. But I know if you made the effort to ask for help here, you are on the right path. Go! Go! Go! I know you are strong and can be the mom you've always wanted to be!
post #6 of 34
Thread Starter 
thanks for the support...
I've taken that quiz a few times now and the lowest score i've gotten is still over 60...today i got 67

I called this dr. who i saw in highschool when i was suffering from depression. I havent seen her in years, but my family doctor is HORRIBLE so hopefully they'll still have me on record and I can go see her instead. she specializes in depression/eating disorders etc. She's really great.

As if it wasnt hard enough to pick up the phone and call, the office was closed today and i'll have to wait till monday:

i'm so low on energy and now have a headache..i was able to cook today so that's a good thing..i just keep feeling that if i had some time to myself each day that I could at least get enough energy to last the rest of the day with her. but i do realize it's more than that..

I was in tears quite a few times today..I pray things will get better soon...

thanks again..
post #7 of 34
Can you page this doctor? If this is her specialty, then it is probably standard that someone in her practice is on call. Please try. I know how hard it is to ask for help.

Also; will your hubby be home all weekend? You need someone there for you. This is not meant as criticism. I had to have someone with me all the time for 2 weeks after starting meds. I see you are still on the board. Please seek help ASAP.
post #8 of 34
I would love to write a big, long supportive post, but I'm 36 wks pregnant and in constant pain, and I've hit my breaking point tonight and I'm just too tired.

However, I want you to know that asking for help is not admitting some sort of failure. You deserve to be a good mom. The fact that you've had depression issues in the past is a good indicator of what is going on now. There are all sorts of more recent meds that have fewer side effects. Everyone reacts differently to different meds. You can find one that will work for you. It is a brain chemistry issue, it just may have different triggers for different people. There is so much we don't know yet.

One big thing is not to let the good days fool you. I know so many people who have a good day and think "see, I must be okay, I was just having a bad day (week, month.) Having good days with depression is normal, but somehow we always want to talk ourselves into thinking that the good days mean we are okay and overreacting to the bad days. Don't let the good days fool you.

I hope you are able to find some help and relief soon. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

I'm off to have my mini-breakdown now.:LOL I should be back to normal tomorrow.
post #9 of 34
You are not a bad mom and you don't need to CIO...what it sounds like is that you need help and a break.

Just a little break would help. This weekend see if your dh can keep your dc and you take a long soak, go for a walk, whaterver it takes to have a break.

And, get help, get help, get help! It sounds like you really need it.

Please don't doubt your abilities as a mom. If you need a break - take it (it took me 2 years to learn this) If you can't stand the crying, step outside. Do what it takes to keep it together.

And, if you need to stay in bed - do that. I know, some folks will say get up. But, if you are exhaused sleep. It helps!

Please be well and take care!
post #10 of 34
Hey Neveryoumind,
Does it help to know that you have lots of company with these feelings? About 20% of women experience postpartum depression. Its hell, and its great that you are looking it in the face and getting some help. You will get through it much faster and with less depair if you get good help.

We have lots of support for women suffering with PPD in our community; maybe your community has some of these same services? Try community health nurses; post partum support groups; women's hospitals often have PPD services; women's phone lines for crisis info.

Also, in the meanwhile, try to do something for yourself everyday. This could be a tea break with your feet up; a bubble bath; a walk; some time to read; anything that allows a bit of nurturing for your Self. Your husband can help with this, and he'll probably appreciate having a positive role to play.

http://www.postpartum.org/websites.html for a bit more resource info.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel - hang in there.
post #11 of 34
My sister had bad PPD after her son was born. It got to the point where she just did not want to take care of him. Luckily mom lived close and one day she called my mom and said "I don't want to take care of him, I can't take care of him, I don't even want to feed him." My mom came to get her and Samual and they stayed with her for awhile. My sis had a dp, but he had no clue what to do and she couldn't or wouldn't tell him. Eventually my sister did get on meds and after about a week she was better. She started taking care of Samual again. Do you have family close to help you? I know my sis did not want to do meds, but in the end realized it was necessary for her. She still has a lot of anxiety to this day (always had even as a child). She takes meds and has discovered yoga. She says the yoga really calms her down and she loves the way it makes her feel. So, basically what I am saying is you are not alone. And I think the thing you need to do immediatly is stop beating yourself up!! The power of the mind is amazing and positive thoughts go a long way. You are a good mama for trying to get help for yourself. You obviously love your dd very much. If your dd is crying and you feel like you can't take it, it is okay to step away for a minute. Make sure she is in a safe place and then go outside for a minute, even if it is cold. Take a few deep breaths, scream into a pillow if you need to. Something to release the tension. Your child will not be harmed for life if left to cry for a minute. She will feel better just feeling your calm energy.
Sending and good thoughts your way...
post #12 of 34
neveryoumindthere, how are you feeling and coping?
post #13 of 34
Thread Starter 
Well, Jish was right...the good days have been fooling me for months, but when i look back overall i feel like 'man, why cant things go normal?'...

a month after she was born we had to move, then 2 months later we had to move again, we had trouble with nursing and dairy allergies and her incessant screaming and i feel like i'm missing out on all the fun stuff cuz i'm just too darn tired to care

Last night was ok though..I put her in the sling around 9 and went into the bedroom with all the lights off and rocked and sang to her for like 1/2 hour while she fell asleep (she NEVER sleeps before midnight or 1am) i kept her in the sling the whole time thinking maybe it's a nap but she got up to nurse again and went down for the night and i stayed up till past 2:30 am sewing and made a really cute diaper (first time) and tie-dyed a onesie and i felt soooo good having time to myself..

dh was really good too, he went to her while i was sewing..tried comforting her back to sleep but i knew it was time to nurse anyway so i went up nursed her and went back to my sewing..and this morning too, he woke up with her while i got a little bit more sleep and now is giving her a bath while i relax on the computer...

then i start thinking about monday and start feeling overwhelmed again...:

I *know* having extra help with her or around the house would help me IMMENSELY and i guess dh didnt really 'hear' me till my breakdown a couple days ago...I decluttered most of the house a couple months ago but it just seems to creep back and be worse than ever and the mess just increases my stress level...

thanks for all ur replies..it really does make a difference when you know others have experienced the same..
post #14 of 34

I've BTDT with my first child. It was tough. I finally gave in and actually hospitalized myself. It made all the difference. I realize that may not be the course of action for you. For me, it was a matter of getting some people's attention drawn to what was REALLY going on. I've been on meds now for 8.5 years and it has worked like a charm. That doesn't mean you will be on meds for that long, for me, it had to do with other things. However,


Remember, you have gone through a major life changing experience. Going from no children to one is a huge huge change. Don't let anyone tell you different. Going from one child to two is also a huge change. After that, the rest is gravy. It does get easier. I promise. Really. I understand about the clutter issue. It bugs me, too. Right now, it's our garage, but that's another story and another thread!!!!

Hang in there, get the help you deserve and need, and don't forget that you are capable of handling this... Not necessarily alone, but who deemed it so that we all do things alone? No one.

If anything, I'm right there with you. One step at a time. One minute at a time. One hour, one day, one week, one month.

You're doing the toughest job in the world, cut yourself a bit o' slack and take a bubble bath every day.... DH is capable. He seems like a supportive guy. Utilize all your resources. That's what they are there for.
post #15 of 34
Well, Jish was right...the good days have been fooling me for months
They fooled me too. What happened to me also was that I would be at my absolute worst in the morning. I would be a wreck. Then by the time the afternoon rolled around (and my dh got home) I could function a little bit better and would think, "well, maybe I am okay" and I would feel silly for how I had felt earlier. When I was admitted to the hospital, it was in the evening so I felt pretty silly at that point that my dh had taken me there. I kept thinking, "but I'll seem so normal now, they won't know how bad I was this morning." I told the ER doctor that and he told me that it is very common with depression for it to be at it's worst in the morning and to ease up a bit in the evening. Talk about an "ah ha" moment.

The thing that I realized after the fact when I was on meds and felt better, is that I had no idea just how bad I had gotten. What I thought were "good days" weren't even close to the good days that I had when I was healthy. They were just good in comparison to the bad days at the time.

I hope you are able to talk to your doctor on Monday. Let us know how things go.
post #16 of 34
I just wanted to give you support in this. You aren't alone. I found out Abigail had an ear infection, and had 1or 2 more when she was a few months old. If she is struggling to nurse, see if she is having a stuffy nose problem. I had the same problem with Abigail fussing.
As far as the housework goes, I just let mine go. It is the ONLY way I could cope. As long as you have clean clothes and dishes, you are fine. Let your dh help with the housework.
I could have written your post when the baby was new. Both mine were like that.
Where abouts are you? I wish I could help you. Take care
post #17 of 34

How was today?

neveryoumindthere, how did today go?
post #18 of 34
Thread Starter 
today was not bad...

I sooo did not want to wake up that early (around 8:30 am)and was trying to get her to nurse back to sleep but she wouldnt..
she napped for one hour around 10am, and for another 15 min later on in the day..

my head hurts

i called the dr. but she's not accepting patients even though i've seen her b4..but when i saw her it was at this center she works at..anyway iwas able to get an appt with her first week of march..i'm gonna keep trying to see if she'll take dd and i as "patients" at her practice

thanks for checking up on me

gtg pray....

thanks again
post #19 of 34
Did you emphasize just how badly you need to be seen?

Please see if they can refer you to someone that can see you right away.

Can you tell me what state you are in? I can help you find help nearby (or someone you can speak to by phone).
post #20 of 34
neveryoumindthere, I relate to what you are saying. So many times I have thought, "Why couldn't I get the easy baby?!" Of course, that's followed by horrible guilt since I shouldn't be wishing my child were anything but herself, right?

As everyone else has said, you are not a failure.

You are not alone.

You are not missing a mothering gene that everyone else got (I used to think this).

You are just WAY over the limit of what you can handle right now.

I have been there and done that, for example the staying up till 2:30 a.m. just to have time to yourself (and of course feeling like crap and being short-tempered the next day b/c you're so exhausted). That tells you right there how STARVED you are for the time to yourself, which is something that we all need, but especially introverted people. (Introvert not as in being antisocial, it just means those people who derive their strength and composure for a little time alone to regroup.)

It's great that you're seeking help. Keep at it. Find someone who will see you, ask around your area or look on the internet for therapists who know a lot about PPD issues and are family-friendly (my therapist supports AP and will let you bring your child if you have no one to watch them or don't want to be apart).

Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends and family. You'll be surprised by how willing some people will be to help if you explain what a hard time you're having! If you have a very close friend nearby, explain what's going on and ask if she can help you arrange for help from other friends. Try to be concrete if you can, for example, "I just really can't take it anymore. Could you do me a huge favor and watch the baby for an hour on Wednesday afternoon so I can go to the bookstore by myself?" Or "I'm so depressed I can't keep up with the housework, can you please bring me some leftovers one day this week so I'll have something to eat without having to make dinner?" If you are close to your mom and she can come help, definitely beg her to do so, even if she has to fly in!

Attachment Parenting can create a real problem for some moms, like me. I thought I was failing if I needed time alone. After all, GOOD moms never spend a moment away. GOOD moms nurse on demand and wake at any hour until the child is 18. GOOD moms don't need to pee, or sleep, or eat, or breathe if the child has other desires. Well guess what? GOOD MOMS TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES SO THEY CAN FUNCTION AND BE ABLE TO MOTHER THEIR CHILDREN!!

Maybe you'll need tons of vitamins and therapy. Maybe you'll need antidepressants. Maybe you'll need a housekeeper and a babysitter to come on occasion. Maybe your child will go to daycare or preschool though you imagined you'd be the ultimate homeschooler. I've needed to make all these changes in order to feel better, and it has been well worth it because I'm not miserable anymore.

I'm not the mother I thought I'd be. But now I realize that NO ONE could possibly have lived up to that standard anyway, and my daughter deserves a sane and healthy mom.

I am so sorry some days are so rough. Hang in there. When things are hell, remind yourself that not every day is so bad. You are worth treating yourself better, so keep doing that. Oh, and I also highly recommend a book called "Mother Nurture" that you can order from Amazon. It'll really help you find concrete ways to deal with the physical and emotional depletion that occurs in new moms.

Warm wishes,

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