I really need n answer... and a vent

[rubidoux]

I'm going crazy. My six-year-old goes to sleep around nine in our family bed. When I lay down with him my eight-month-old always falls asleep. But I have to get him up because I don't think it's safe for the two of them to sleep alone together. So, we just got ds1 his own bed. I thought I would *require* him to sleep in his own bed from bedtime until when we went to bed. If he wanted I would wake him up and bring him in or he could just come in when and if he wanted. But dh is dead set against "kicking" him out. So this means that I continue to have baby in arms (he hates a sling or mai tai) from around 9 pm until 1 am every night. I never have any time where I can get stuff done w/o kids under foot. I am going crazy!

So my Q is, when is it okay to leave the two of them in our bed together? And what exactly is the danger? Someone posted here a while back about a ten-year-old who rolled over onto a six-month-old sib and the baby died. How does that happen? Does the baby suffocate? Or get crushed? Is it a matter of relative weights? I have a feeling that now isn't the time. But I need to know if we're talking months or years here bc if it's the latter, then ds is going to have to learn to sleep in his new bed until I go to bed at night.

[MLinPDX]

My 6 year old and her 2 1/2 year sister having been sleeping together in my bed before I go to sleep for practically as long as I can remember. I know we didn't do it at first when DD2 was born because there was a brief period when DD1 actually slept in her own bed, but it has been a long time now. I think when DD2 became stronger, eg: able to roll over easily I worried less. Since she could crawl I haven't worried at all. But then it's only been the last year or so that she wasn't waking up within 2 hours of falling asleep so I'd go to bed then anyway. I sleep between them. And sometimes they look so sweet when they've moved so that they are sleeping right next to each other.

That's so sad about the 10 year old and baby sibling. Can you set the baby to sleep in the older child's bed at first so they aren't bed-sharing without an adult? I'd think it's only going to be months until your 8-month old seems big enough to sleep safely with his brother. I always have the monitor on so I can hear them stirring and hopefully would notice something if the older child rolled over on the younger child's head, if the older child didn't notice a large solid object underneath them and roll back over for comfort.

-- ML

[Quinalla]

Not sure if your DH is home at 9, but if so, can he lay down with your six year old? That just seems like an easy thing to suggest if DH is adamant about your 6 year old not getting kicked out of the bed. Or will the baby still fall asleep regardless? If so, do you have a safe place to lay the baby down (maybe a co-sleeper?) in your room that you could get the baby out of to go to bed with the family?

[simplybecca]

My kids (I have 3) have slept together alone a lot. They are all three years apart. My babies have always been little but really strong (holding head up). Granted, I've always looked in on them a lot. Right now, I don't worry about my 7 yr old and my 16 month old at all. They kind of snuggle in this pretzel kind of way.

[ewe+lamb]

My two and their three cousins have slept together in a king together alot - we never encountered any problems, my two sleep alot in the same bed - they love it and I think that it brings them closer together. IMO I think that if the kids are used to co-sleeping and having other bodies in the bed then in general it should be ok, if they aren't used to it then their skin isn't quite so alert and aware as a co-slept child - don't know if that's correct or not but it makes me feel better! lol

[jnet24]

my two los have slept alone in our queen bed since Emmy was born. The bedroom is right off of the living room so I check often. Before Emmy could really move around I would put a pillow chair thing, you know those pillows that look like the back od a lazy boy, on its side in between them. If Michael was to roll over too much he would just end up on the pillow.

[rubidoux]

Hmmmmm.... I have a feeling there's no diffinitive answer, though I really do wish I could wrap my head around how bad outcomes happen. I can see it with a tiny newborn, but it is so hard to imagine what happened with the six month old. I am thinking, though that it can't be too long for my little guy. He's already crawling and pulling up to a stand, and he's relatively big, too.

I really wish I could put the little guy in ds1's new bed. Our family bed is a mattress directly on the floor, but the new bed is on a platform. It would be possible to put the new mattress on the floor, but I am just not the type to put it back every morning. lol But it is a possibility.

Sadly, I think dh would lose his mind if he was asked to lie down to put ds1 to bed every night. He's so high strung lately and he already reads to them for at least an hour every night. I can just imagine him lying there thinking about all the work he needs to do.