In defense of the family bed and the older child

[gwen's mom]

I am posting this for my assistant who is a single mom (L) with a 11 year old daughter (M).

M's dad, who happens to be a judge, is trying to fight for sole custody (currently 50/50) and one of the arguements he is trying to make is that b/c M still sleeps with L, that M is too dependant on her mom and that co-sleeping is having a negative impact on M's well being. M's dad is also claiming that "No therapist would ever support a family bed for an 11 year old."

For the record, M has her own room, complete with her own bed. She simply chooses to sleep with her mom, where she has slept since she was born.

This mama needs help in the form of studies and research that defends the family bed for an older child. Does anyone out there have references?

[rubidoux]

Well where does she sleep the other 50% of the time, when she's with dad? Is she crying herself to sleep bc she's not with mom? If not, I don't even see how he can make this argument.

I slept with my mother until I was nine and then when I was 15 I left home and got my own apartment. If anything it made me too inependent. But I've got no scientific studies.

[Louisep]

That's so awful.

Check out the references section for this forum. James McKenna is the main researcher in this area.

I wish her lots of luck.

[InMediasRes]

I know Jay Gordon's "Good Nights" has a bunch of research in it. I don't know if it specifically had any research about older kids, but it had a lot of testimonials from older kids.

On the other hand, there is quite a bit out there from peds about single moms "using" their kids to meet their emotional need for companionship. Not saying that is the case with your friend, just that the info is out there and could come up.

My sister and I co slept with each other until I moved out at 18yo, and although my mom hates the idea of a family bed and says that she never ever did it with her kids, we slept with her frequently when we were much older, and my sister frequently slept with my parents (after I moved out and she had no sleeping buddy, she is 5 years my junior) until she moved out at 18yo.

[gwen's mom]

When she is with Dad she sleeps by herself, in her own bed.


Unfortunately all I am finding in the references section is related to much younger children.

[ASusan]

Not sure if this is any help, but in other cultures, older children sleep with parents/relatives ALL THE TIME.

DH's nephew slept with his grandmother (MIL, who lives with us now) until about a year ago, when he started his sophomore year of college. MIL shared with me the other week all the children in the family who have slept in her bed. DH remembers, as a child, sleeping with cousins, aunties - wherever there was space and a warm body, sometimes!

Furthermore, there is plenty of animal evidence that juveniles sleep with adults and that removing the juveniles from the nest causes stress and resulting life-long changes in brain chemistry.

It is primarily Americans and their obsession with "independence" that drives sleeping alone. We are such a cold, impersonal culture.

Best wishes to your friend.

[HippieChristianMum]

I slept with my mother as an older child, but I don't know exactly how old I was when I finally stopped.

My parents divorced when I was very young. I was the youngest of 4 children, the only girl. My three brothers shared a room together. I remember laying in my own bed when I was smaller, on the nights that I didn't sleep with her, and trying to go to sleep before she turned her reading lamp off (I could see the reflection of it down the hall), because I was scared after that. I don't know how I got in her bed, though I think it was a combination of actually going to bed with her, and showing up there during the night.

I think I say all of this to get to the point that for me, it was so much more comforting to be in her bed (obviously) in a time when things were so unsure in other areas of my life. My dad had moved halfway across the country with his new family, and I was dealing with that loss in my life. Trust me, my mom definitely wasn't using it for her own security. She actually wasn't fond of me sleeping with her, because I crowded and kicked her. She always rolled up a big blanket between us as a buffer, otherwise she would get kicked all night. Yet she let me because I think she knew how much I needed that emotional security in order to deal with the other emotionally crazy things in my life. Eventually I stopped. When I had children of my own, it was never a question whether or not they would sleep in our bed/room.

Personally, I think that it's bogus what your friend's ex is saying, as well as the "professionals," but I can see how it would be disconcerting to others not involved. If anything, taking that girl out of her mom's bed, where she has slept since birth, and making her sleep alone will only add to the loss of security that she is most likely already feeling.

That's my two cents from my experience.

[noobmom]

At 11 years old, I would think that a judge would just ask the child (or maybe have a therapist ask the child) why she chose to sleep in her mother's bed. And when the child said, "because I feel safer" or "because I don't want to be alone" that would be the end of that.

I can't imagine that co-sleeping (especially between a daughter and her mother, as sexist as that may be) would be the straw that broke the camel's back in any custody case. I would be more concerned about addressing whatever other arguments the ex has lined up.