3yo ds not listening to me

[anomaly13]

I am sure it is typical of the age, ds will not do what I ask him to do. I hate to ask more then once but I usually do, 3 times is the max and then I get really angry and send him to his room to sit on his bed if we are at home. He is doing it more when we are out so I am unable to punish him other then say that we are going home right now. DH hates when I tell him to do something and he doesn't listen, and if I tell him more then once he gets even more mad. Last night after quiet a few incidents of ds not listening or ignoring me through the evening I was getting him ready for bed. I told him to go give his daddy a kiss, dad was in the living room, and ds went into the hall and layed on the floor in fron t of the heater, his favorite spot. Well dh got pissed and yelled at him and when ds Ffinally came to give dh kisses dh sent him away and would not give him a kiss, ds went to bed crying a little and very upset. I know he was frustrated and fed up with the lacking of listening. (later he went into ds' room and talked to him a little about how he has to listen and gave him a hug and kiss) I don't know how to get ds to listen and do as I say or ask. And it is just me, he almost always does as dh says the first time. Is there a secret I don't know or is this just a phase I have to get through? If so how do you keep your calm and not get really angry at the situation?

[Clairesoula]

I have no answers, but am curious what others say. We have a fairly new (almost 4mo) baby at home and DS doesn't listen either, but it's totally directed at me. Would love to get some insight into following directions....especially when it's a bit more serious, like tugging on my clothing and pushing my legs when I'm holding the baby and laughing when I say it's not safe. Sorry to hijack.

[ssh]

3 year olds do not have much impulse control yet and are only beginning to listen occasionally. You and your DH have completely unrealistic expectations. Punishing is just going to make matters worse. Tell or ask your DS to do something once then gently help him do it, if it's something that really needs done. You can also limit the times you ask your DS to do things, so that only the really important things are being requested. The only real demands I make are the "Stop!! that's dangerous/fragile/hot." kind. Getting in trouble or yelled at for not kissing someone is inappropriate. I usually say something like "why don't you go kiss daddy night" and DD runs and does it, but it's a only a suggestion. For things that need done, like hand washing for example, I'd say "that's sticky or gross go wash your hands" and if she doesn't I say "here I'll help". Then I take her into the bathroom, give her a squirt of soap and help her wash her hands. Alot of things I ask if she will do or help with something and if she doesn't I just do it myself. My DD is almost 4 and for the last few months she's been 'listening' a lot more often. Lately she has wanted to be helpful, like getting DH a glass of water, or putting something up in the kitchen or loading the washer.

[just_lily]

I wonder a lot if it isn't "not listening" and isn't more just not being able to comprehend in the moment what you are asking them to do. Try having him repeat back to you what you are asking him to do, and see how it goes.

Here is an interaction I had this morning with the 3yo boy in my home daycare who was being very loud (just yelling instead of talking). I had him right in front of me, holding his hands (gently) and looking in his eyes.

Me: Buddy, you are being very loud this morning. I need you to use your quiet inside voice please.

Him: Kay

Me: What am I asking you to do?

Him: 'Cause

Me: I am asking you to use your quiet voice please because you are being very loud. What am I asking?

Him: Be a good boy.

Me: I need you to speak quietly.

Him: Kay.

Me: What did I just ask?

Him: Play nicely?

And then I just gave up. He went right back to being loud, and I continued to remind/ask for an inside voice all morning.

And this kid is very, very verbal, talking non-stop all day (hence the need to use a quiet voice!) and is usually pretty good at repeating back to me what I am asking him to do. But this morning he just didn't get it for some reason.

Frustrating, believe me!!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I agree with shh that your expectations are too high. He's only 3.

When DD was that age, I didn't ask her to do something unless I was right there to help her do it, because chances are she wasn't going to respond to verbal prompts only.

If it was time to kiss daddy goodnight, I would walk with her to daddy. But I would never make her kiss daddy goodnight (its important that children own their own bodies and do not feel they are forced to show affection to adults).

If you use punishment for not listening rather than setting him up so that he can be successful, he's going to find what you say unpleasant, and a "you versus him" dynamic will develop, rather than him seeing you as being on his side in learning how to deal with life.

[InMediasRes]

I agree with PPs. It's totally unreasonable to expect a 3yo to do what you ask every single time. I think if you save your insistence for the times you really need it, (eg. "Yikes! That knife is sharp! Please don't touch it. I don't want you to get hurt.) Then he will be more likely to say yes during those times. You need to give some of the autonomy that your DS seems to really want, and then he will not be fighting you on everything.

I also agree that forcing a kiss is a really bad idea. Kids own their own bodies and should make their own decisions about affection.

Punishing for not listening doesn't address the problem of WHY he doesn't listen to what you ask. Sometimes kids are just caught up in their own thing. I've found that saying "Can you do it, or would you like mommy to do it?" often results in DS wanting to do something himself, but if he says no either way and it's something we must do, I do it for him.

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by just_lily

Here is an interaction I had this morning with the 3yo boy in my home daycare who was being very loud (just yelling instead of talking). I had him right in front of me, holding his hands (gently) and looking in his eyes.

Me: Buddy, you are being very loud this morning. I need you to use your quiet inside voice please.

Him: Kay

Me: What am I asking you to do?

Him: 'Cause

Me: I am asking you to use your quiet voice please because you are being very loud. What am I asking?

Him: Be a good boy.

Me: I need you to speak quietly.

Him: Kay.

Me: What did I just ask?

Him: Play nicely?

Yeah, I did this one this morning when I asked my son not to run away from me in a public place. I asked "What did mommy just say to you?" And he said, "Mommy said NO NO NO!". This is the usual response.

[LynnS6]

I find that when I am getting frustrated with my kids not doing what I ask of them, that I need to change what I am doing. You'd think that with an 8 and 5 year old, I'd have learned these lessons, but apparently I need to re-learn them every year or so!

The first thing I need to change is how many times I ask/tell. Kids are really good at determining when we mean it and when we don't. If we don't force the issue until the 5th time we ask (by which time we're really cranky), they won't respond until the 5th time we ask. Instead, I ask 2x. The first time is the 'real' time, the second is a check to see if they've heard or understood. If they have and they still don't do it, then I help. "You're not doing what I asked. Let's do this together/I'm going to help your body be safe." (Or whatever you need to say.)

I also change how I ask -- I cut down on words. "Please put your shoes away because people are going to trip on them" becomes "Shoes please."

I also change the format. Instead of saying "Please put your shoes away", it's "where do your shoes go?" Instead of "Go brush your teeth" it's "What do we do next before we go to bed?" By 3, my kids both knew the routine inside out. They were more than happy to tell me. And sometimes I'd mix it up and say "OK, time for prayers" when it was really toothbrushing time, just so they could correct me. They thought this was hysterical.

Finally, a really good technique that might work at 3 is the "waiting for the bus" technique. When they don't do what you ask of them, you just stand there, calmly as if you're waiting for the bus. Not angry. Not upset. Just bored resolution that nothing else interesting is going to happen until the shoes get picked up/the coat hung up/the child climbs into bed.

A couple books that might help:
How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen by Faber & Mazlish

Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen - I can't say enough good things about playful techniques for gaining compliance. If I tell my kids after we're done with stories "OK, go to bed," often nobody moves. If I say "Can you get into bed and under your covers before I get upstairs?" suddenly they're off in a flash.

Kids, Parents & Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. In our house, at least, a lot of trouble with 'not listening' is a power struggle between me and the kids. Finding ways to defuse that increases the likelihood that we'll all be happy.

[MrsH]

Oh boy we so have the same thing too! Isn't it infuriating?

I do agree with previous posters and also try to limit my frequency of demands, try to help him do things, and give him choices whenever possible. We also use the 1-2-3 Magic method in addition to those things which my 3 year old seems to interpret as "ok, I really do mean this." Most of the time he starts doing it during the counting, though occasionally it does backfire as he seems to freeze with anger at his loss of control over the situation. While I still follow through, I do use that as a cue to reduce my demands of him and work together with him more, rather than expecting him to simply follow through on demands.

It's hard work!

[Mama2Bean]

I know this is an older thread, but I just wanted to share that it's really, really helped me today. I have been feeling very challenged w/my bright, verbal, independent 3yo. I knew I needed to change up some things, knew my expectations have been too high b/c not a lot seemed to be working. So, this really helped me change the way I am interacting with her.

I love MDC. Thank you so much, ladies!