Dh isn't really on board...

[asoulunbound]

How have you discussed and resolved vax issues with your SO?

[ema-adama]

We had to get his family univolved. They are all doctors and very very pro vax. They were incredibly rude to me about my choice to wait on vaxing (Initially I did not want to vax, and DH did. He wanted his father to help settle the dispute with his superior knowledge - and it backfired horribly. His father was an arrogant spout of misinformation. And his credentials as an esteemed doctor did nothing for his case)
Anyway, they could not be part of the decision. I accepted all the articles they sent me and it has never been open for discussion again.
Once his family and their opinions were no longer part of decision making process (and we did not feel we needed their blessing or acceptance for our choice) we just needed to deal with the issue between us. Work on our communication.

That was done by taking the drama and emotion out of discussions. I was often very passionate and angry and DH was concerned and confused. By just looking at what my concerns were, what his concerns were and answering a list of questions similar to the one one here posted by EmmelineII (search for her list of 20 questions and the resources to answer them) we were able to get on board together with regards to the decision. It helped that DH was prepared to accept that the likelihood of anyone knowing anything with 100% certainty is highly unlikely. He has become quite familiar with the inconsistencies, ethical concerns and misinformation associated with mass vaccination programmes.

It still comes up time to time and we go over the reasons why we would consider a vaccine and the reasons why we would not. Altogether we have had to work on our communication as parents. Vaccination is just a part of that.

HTH. It's not easy

[xmasbaby7]

This was not an issue for me, but was for most of my friends who chose not to vax. As an observer, I think such a primal issue of protecting your family will identify any rough spots in your marriage.

In a fantasy world, partner #1 says to partner #2, "I have put a lot of time into researching (Or I have powerful intuitive feeling) that I prefer to skip/delay vaccinations for our child. Can we talk about this and see if we can agree on an approach to promote our family's best health and well-being?"

And the response is, "I value and respect your intelligence, so tell me more and why."

"Thank you for listening to my concerns and taking them seriously. They are X."

But I think things rarely start off this way. I think mothers often present the decision as if it is made, without acknowledging the father's role because the power of intuition is so strong and primal, and then it becomes a power struggle for the father to assert his control back.

I have also seen where the partners, deep down, don't really respect one another's intelligence, so they prefer to seek advice on what to do outside the couple. This is a really tough to solve.

I think it is best to let the issue lie and let some dust settle before trying again and using a better, more neutral and respectful approach. "Let's read this book together and see what we think." or "Let's make a spreadsheet of all of the diseases and look into their rate of occurrence and treatment to identify what could likely impact our family." Even if you already know where you stand, it is important to allow your partner a role in this process while you keep your decision to yourself.

Good luck!

[Monarchgrrl]

DW knew how I felt from the beginning (as in when we were dating), but wasn't fully on board. Whereas I am 100%, she was about 50/50. We would have random discussions about it when it came up on the news. She wasn't really interested in talking about it too much until we needed to, as in, a baby was on the way. I told her that I wouldn't even think about TTC until this issue was resolved. I eventually suggested a compromise: Absolutely no vaxes until age 5. If DW still wanted one or two for our DC, then she would have to do the research about each one and present her argument to me and then we'd discuss. She was all for that compromise because she doesn't like the idea of babies/toddlers getting vaxes anyway. But since that decision, she now feels that we'll never vax. She's close to 100% like me now. She's even quite outspoken about it around her vaxing family.

[ASusan]

Do we discuss? No, we fight. Horribly. About every 4-6 mos.

Have we resolved it? No, we're headed down a dark road.

DH is a scientist - a neuroscientist who researches autism, at that. And he swallows the conventional wisdom hook, line, and sinker.

[xmasbaby7]

Originally Posted by Monarchgrrl

DW knew how I felt from the beginning (as in when we were dating), but wasn't fully on board. Whereas I am 100%, she was about 50/50. We would have random discussions about it when it came up on the news. She wasn't really interested in talking about it too much until we needed to, as in, a baby was on the way. I told her that I wouldn't even think about TTC until this issue was resolved. I eventually suggested a compromise: Absolutely no vaxes until age 5. If DW still wanted one or two for our DC, then she would have to do the research about each one and present her argument to me and then we'd discuss. She was all for that compromise because she doesn't like the idea of babies/toddlers getting vaxes anyway. But since that decision, she now feels that we'll never vax. She's close to 100% like me now. She's even quite outspoken about it around her vaxing family.

This sounds great to me. I am happy for you to have reached a respectful compromise. My BF tried this and did not set it out late enough, like 5 years, but only 1 year, and she just wasn't ready then to agree to one.

Time is key.

[Drummer's Wife]

It hasn't been an issue for us, b/c DH was on board from the beginning - and never made me feel like I was fruit loops for questioning.

I would say make him do his own research, and present his side/conclusion. It will give you both a chance to answer each others questions and concerns, and hopefully come to a happy solution.

[philomom]

This is one of the few arguments I "lost" in our marriage. He believes in modern science and better living through chemistry.


My kids have been vaxed on a slow schedule. And my dd has not had the Guardisil.

Before we get into all the ... "I'll divorce my hubby of he insisted on that" arguments.. let me just say I've been married 22 years and some compromise keeps a marriage together. I choose to raise my kids with a daddy... not alone.

[ZoeyZoo]

I used to be very mainstream when we got married but dh knows i research and read things like mad. He never really wanted to know exactly why but if I was that against it and had researched it, it was good enough for him. I don't know if he totally believes it but supports me since he knows I'm usually right about this stuff. For example, he wasn't sure about HB initially either but came around by the birth and tried to tell his friends about how great an option it was in comparison to the hospital.

DH's parent questioned me a bit about it at first but I started rambling about studies, diseases, etc and they have never questioned me since.

[MountainMamaGC]

We watched Vaccine Nation together on Google video. He was on board after that. I ask him what his fears and concern are and then I address them one by one.

[kiwiva]

Dh thought I was nuts when I first brought up the vax issue. I think we originally settled on delaying until some future time. He's pretty mainstream and felt that if that's what was advised of course we would follow.

My approach was to bring up the obvious ones like Hep B and then Gardisil came out, so it gave me the opportunity to show that just because it was recommended or required didn't mean it made sense.

I also asked him which specific diseases he was concerned about. He really had no idea what vaxes were given other than measles, tetanus and polio. So we discussed those. Gradually he came to my way of thinking I guess. When he really didn't agree with my views on it we left it with he would need to research and have an educated opinion on the matter before we would even consider any vaxes. He couldn't just say "because that's what everyone else does." He respects me and knows that I have researched the topic.

It probably helped that we didn't have a vax-pushing doc. She was totally fine with delaying and at the 2 yr visit when she said some people just forego them altogether, he thought that was cool too.

[gbailey]

DH has been on board since we decided to stop vaccinating all together. We did have one issue where he felt like DD should finish the DTAP series. Some one told him it was better for her to finish etc etc. Anyway, fortunately he's on board with no longer vaxing and we resolved the dtap issue. In fact, he's become somewhat of an anti-vax crusader amongst his friends and family. He wasn't always like that though. At first he wanted to vaccinate on schedule because but I made him do his own research.

[MountainMamaGC]

Originally Posted by gbailey

DH has been on board since we decided to stop vaccinating all together. We did have one issue where he felt like DD should finish the DTAP series. Some one told him it was better for her to finish etc etc. Anyway, fortunately he's on board with no longer vaxing and we resolved the dtap issue. In fact, he's become somewhat of an anti-vax crusader amongst his friends and family. He wasn't always like that though. At first he wanted to vaccinate on schedule because but I made him do his own research.

My DH too. He talks about it quite a bit now.

[Noelle C.]

Thank the gods we agree. I expected an argument when I asked him, "Honey, what do you think about getting the baby all of her vaxes?" I was stunned silent when his response was, "Kids need to build up their own immune systems." I seriously expected a long, drawn-out fight about it. I asked him one day earlier this week what he'd do if someone started tearing into him for not vaxing our baby (as someone online ripped into me). "I'd tell them it's not their kid, so to shut the hell up."

I'm so relieved! Neither of us believe children should be vaxed (and repeatedly in their lives) against mild illnesses and things they're never likely to come into contact with in the first place.

I get people screaming, "Herd immunity for those who can't!" Well, Sweetpeas, I can't, and there's no way I'm going to expect others to put their kids at risk, no matter how miniscule the risk is perceived to be, for my sake. So don't expect me to put my child at any risk for the sake of someone else (including myself). Sound harsh? I don't care.

For us to vax against something, the risk of actually catching the disease/illness and having more than an uncomfortable week or so has to outweigh the real risk of the vax. She's got a decent chance of getting chicken pox, for example (and we hope she does on her own), but it's a week or so of discomfort, not death or disfigurement. Not worth it. If she had a decent chance of catching something truly terrible with a good chance of a terrible outcome or a cure requiring painful stuff (nothing comes to mind at the moment, perhaps because it's past 3am and my brain is falling asleep), and a vax existed with risks comparable to, say, the flu vax, then we might consider it. Right now though there is nothing we will be vaxing for, least of all an STD the day she's born. Sheesh! Whose bright idea was it to suggest all babies routinely be vaxed against an STD the baby has NO chance of getting if the mother doesn't have it? (If I had Hep. B, then we might actually consider it to attempt to prevent transmission. But I don't. So why?)

[AnalogWife]

My DH has always been a little left of center, and once worked the kitchen at a country club which instilled a lot of disgust and distrust in doctors, so when I told him that "I had to study these vaccines before we go to the next WB appt" he trusted I was doing right and knew I was doing it FOR OUR precious baby. One of the best compliments he's ever given me was after some really rough pedi pressure to vax, DH said that he would have folded and praised me for standing up for my beliefs, and for our DS.

DS is also intact, wears cd, still bf's at 2.5, but it would still take a LOT of convincing for DH to agree with me about any homebirthing. I think that's the line for him.

[seashells]

My DH was adamantly opposed to stopping vaxing. Part of the turning point for us was when I told him, in so many words, that I wanted us to make this decision together and that I was open to his input and hoped he would be open to mine.

So, he started researching a bit on the net. Being pro-vaccination, of course he looked for sources that supported his stance, just as I looked for sources that support mine. We really came together when we found a lot of baloney on both sides. I don't know who was the first to admit to seeing baloney, and it might have been DH, but it aligned us and made us a lot more open to the truth rather than winning an argument.

The other thing is that DH is really anti-corporation, that's his big thing. After we started researching together, it hit me that corporations are a huge part of this issue, and I pointed this out. Since he does not trust big money and does not wish to support their agenda, that kind of clinched it for him.

Honestly, he is not 100% anti-vaccination now (and actually, neither am I ... but I am more so than he). He does get nervous sometimes and I walk him through the specific vaccine(s) he worries about. I mostly emphasize the "not needed" point of view rather than the "this could hurt her" point of view, because I understand the former better than the latter. So for the MMR, for example, I just tell him "It's for three diseases: measles, mumps and rubella. Mumps and rubella are very mild. We might not even know if she ever had it. The big scare about mumps is that it can, rarely, cause sterility in boys, but we don't have to worry about that for DD..." (etc). Then he feels better about it and drops it.

[inchwormz]

Originally Posted by AnalogWife

DS is also intact, wears cd, still bf's at 2.5, but it would still take a LOT of convincing for DH to agree with me about any homebirthing. I think that's the line for him.

Homebirth wasn't up for discussion in our house. It's my body, I'm carrying the baby, I'm giving birth, it was going to be in the place of my choosing.

For the vax issue, DH knew before we were married that I researched the hell out of just about everything, and I spent weeks and weeks reading and sharing with him. I tried to get him to offer an opinion a number of times but he was pretty laid back. He said if it was this important to me and he could tell I had put a lot of research into it, he was fine with whatever choice I made.

Now with all this H1N1 craziness happening here in Canada, he's really happy with our choice. He is seeing first hand the mess and hysteria that mass vaccination is creating and he is so glad we are NOT 'standing in line' to be next.

[Ophelia]

When DS was born, we fought and fought and argued about it, and he threatened. DS ultimately had most shots thru 12mo which I thoroughly regret for the rest of my life and part of me still has not forgiven him for it.

HOWEVER the thing that turned him around (somewhat anyways) is Dr. Jay Gordon's vaccination video. I highly recommend it. Very middle of the road. Made DH finally realize that DS is not going to automatically die if he does not get shots.

He even discusses the 'other side' of vaccines with other people now which amazes me.

Hang in there and keep yourself informed on vaccine issues so you can stand up to him when details about vaxes are needed.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Dh still dosnt agree with me but he knows I did the research and he isnt willing to take them for vax and risk them being sick from them or me if he where to do it.

[Emmeline II]

The short story is that dh came around after researching it for himself.

Here are some questions to answer for yourself in deciding about vax.

1. Name of the disease
2. Description of the disease
3. Length of time from initial infection to end of all symptoms
4. Infectious period
5. Normal symptoms of the disease
6. Known serious consequences of the disease
7. Proportion of persons infected developing serious consequences
8. Transmission route of the disease
9. Prevalence of the disease
10. Treatments of the disease and efficacy of those treatments
11. Relevant research about the disease
12. Name of the vaccine
13. Company that makes the vaccine
14. Contents of the vaccine
14A. The significance of whether or not the vaccine is live
15. History of development of the vaccine
16. Known side-effects of the vaccine and rate of incidence of those side-effects
17. Possible side-effects not yet acknowledged by the vaccine maker
18. Relevant research into the vaccine
19. How effective is the vaccine at preventing the disease?
20.What is the vaccine meant to do? (Many vaccines are not meant to prevent infection or transmission).
21.Number of cases reported each year.
22.Number of deaths reported each year from the vaccine and natural disease.

Here are some sources to help you out:

Vaccines: The Risks, The Benefits, The Choices 1/18DVD, By Sherri J. TENPENNY



http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/mmwr_wk.html (download the current issue)
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/pubs/pin...k-chapters.htm
http://vaers.hhs.gov/pdf/PackageInserts.pdf
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...40451107552&q=
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...87981735&hl=en
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/pubs/pin...ses&deaths.pdf

Health Sentinel Graphs

WHO GRAPH

Vaccine Injury Table

Beyond Conformity Resources Page
Do you have a quick-fire summary?

Inside Vaccines