BF failure for DS - scared abt BF this time

[Thenu]

I was induced at 38 weeks when I was pregnant with DS because of diabetes. I had a emergency c section for fetal distress. DS was very small (5 pounds 9 oz) and had breathing problem when he was born so was in NICU for 3 days. Being a first time mom I had no idea about breastfeeding but desparately wanted to BF atleast for 1 to 2 years.

DS was given bottle in the NICU and I didnt know that I had to refuse it. Even while I kept on insisting that I had to start pumping while I was there in the hospital - the hospital nurse gave me the pump and explained the setup only after 24 hrs after the baby was born. being given bottle in the NICU, DS never showed interest in nursing . I tried everything - Lactation consultant ,SNS, finger feeding, nipple shield etc etc but nothing worked - DS screamed like hell whenever I took him to my breasts. I started having sever post partem depression and thought DS was avoiding me. Then my LC asked me to give a break for breastfeeding and start pumping - so I exclusively pumped. Meanwhile I tried every 2-3 days to every week for direct feeding - as DS grew he became more adamant. Then I resorted to exclusively pumping for 6 months.

I had to go on an international trip when he was 6 months - didnt want to pump in the plane and was worried about milk storage in India during my stay there (2 months). So I forcefully stopped my milk flow before the trip. Till this minute it hurts me to think about it and I think it would hurt till my last day that I was a failure in breastfeeding which was the most important thing I wanted to do for my DS.

Now I am pregnant with my baby girl due in Feb. I am going to have a repeat c section at 38 weeks because of diabetes. I am so scared when I think about how it is going to go. Even though I am a second time time mom - I still dont have any experience in nursing. Meanwhile I am worried about the big breast problem(expecting a small baby this time as well) - already I am 40D and by the time the baby comes I am sure I would be 40E or something.

What should I do to have successful breastfeeding this time ? how to prepare myself? I am thinking of going for some LLL meetings - is it worth attending ? Should I start looking for a LC now itself (I dont want my old LC as she never tried to help me - she just stood and watched my agonzing attempts with DS and suggessted to take a break ) .. I would appreciate any help.

Thank you so much for reading - I am sorry it was so long just wanted to put everything I went through so that you can have a clear understanding.

[lifeguard]

I think the fact you're going into with a different perspective will make a difference. Definitely go to LLL meetings now & get a LC set up. Can you also make arrangements with your care provider to have the pump already arranged for you in the hospital (or do you still have your own) so if you aren't able to put baby to breast asap you can at least start pumping immediately. Make sure in your birth plan you make it clear baby is NOT to receive bottles but rather syringe or other feeding techniques if the breast needs to be supplemented for some reason.

I'm sorry your bfing experience with ds was not what you wanted. I think that exclusively pumping is some pretty amazing dedication.

[Thenu]

Thank you so much for the kind words. I was able to talk to a local LLL leader and she was very helpful. I am planning to attend a LLL meeting this week. I am also looking for a LC here so that I can meet with her before the baby is born and try to ask her to be with me in the hospital in the first few days to help me out. I hope and pray things would go better this time.