When/how to support low-income classmate's family?

[carfreemama]

Not sure how to ask this. This is a new situation for us.

Dd just started public school. Most of the people we have met so far seem to be fairly well-off. We live in a solidly middle-class neighbourhood and are ourselves probably lower middle class or something. Our overhead is low, so we can afford more things like outings and whatnot than most people in our income bracket.

Dd has met a little girl whose family is obviously really struggling. We've been at a couple of playdates at her house. Her mother is definitely trying her best, but it's obvious some stuff is hard for them. She is wearing broken summer shoes and it is getting cold here, for example.

I grew up the poor kid in a rich school. This is bringing back lots of memories. I have boots in really great condition of dd's from last year that would fit her dd. I did offer them and she seemed fine with that. I try to bring snacks when we visit, since I have heard her comment to her dd that they've run out of stuff when she says she's hungry. I don't want to be another mouth to feed.

But I don't know this family well and I don't want to be obnoxious. Maybe I already am. How do I lend support without overstepping boundaries? Or do I...at all? I'm trying to think back to ways people tried to help that were either positive/negative/humiliating for me as a kid and I've talked about this extensively with my mother. Should I butt out?

[Charmie981]

I think offering hand me downs and not imposing on them to care for you or your child is probably the only way to help without being obnoxious, unless you are invited into the situation a little more, KWIM?

So if DD stays the night or has a playdate, always make sure that you are helping with food or at least offer to bring something to share (I made some brownies this morning that I could bring for us to snack on, would that be okay? or if there's a sleepover maybe something like "DD really likes XYZ frozen pizza, can I pick up a couple for them to share as a treat?").

There are times when we're out of things to snack on, or when it would be hard for us to feed an extra child staying the night. And of course, I'm always open to hand-me-downs, so none of these things would bother me at all. Specifying something that is wearing out/not fitting and asking if you can replace it (used or new) would probably be too much for me, though, unless someone is a close friend and is privy to things that we're struggling with at the time, KWIM?

[elisent]

Maybe you could subtly look to see what sizes clothing the girl wears? Then look around for some cheap gently used things in those sizes and offer it to the mom. Tell her that someone gave them to you for your daughter but they don't fit her.

Call sometimes and say you're going to the museum/zoo/bowling/etc and your daughter wanted to bring a friend to make it more fun - your treat of course!

[carfreemama]

These are good ideas. I remember the feeling of not being able to do most of the fun things my friends did. At least it's not like we're taking expensive vacations or anything that this kid will have to hear about. That's something dd gets to envy about her wealthier friends: "Hey, mom, Merlin went on a Disney cruise, can we do that?" Um, yeah, honey...

But the little treats like ice cream and museums and stuff. Some of it is that we just have one kid, yk? We CAN afford to treat sometimes!

I remember when I was a kid, during one especially tough year, the university students decided to "adopt" us. One day, a great big basket full of Christmas dinner stuff (and Santa presents, I later found out), magically arrived on our doorstep. I must have been around 4. I knew where the food came from and it just didn't feel weird at all. No strings attached. My mom told me later that was the ONLY way we would have had anything for the holidays.

But then the same thing happened at our church a couple of years later and it all just felt really bad. I'm not sure if it's because it was from within a community we knew, or because I was older, or because it came from people who were really wealthy and "just wanted to thank God for being so blessed." I still remember wondering God didn't bless us like that...

Anyway, I don't want to over-identify or do something really inappropriate. I just want to know how to lend a hand in a casual, been-there kind of way. Thanks!

[honey-lilac]

I think those suggestions would be fine, but offering to buy clothes for the girl would be a bit much. We are rather low income and I have experienced our share of... I don't know. Pity? When it wasn't welcome. It's different for a friend of mine to offer hand me downs to our kids from theirs. It'd be totally different if someone I barely knew (and that's what it sounds like in your case) offered to help out because they thought our living standards were not up to par. (If they're really hungry, cold, really no shoes... that's different. But sometimes people will say "there's no more food" when they just don't want to bother making something else. It doesn't mean that the cupboards are really empty. It's different if they're REALLY struggling, but perhaps - and I say this gently - it's not really your place to help out. I like the intention, and I'm not sure, it could be that she would gladly accept whatever help you could give. But it might also be that she wouldn't feel comfortable. Take her cue I suppose. I've had "persistent do-gooders" (and I say that tongue in cheek, not offensive at all) not take no for an answer and try to force stuff on us when we neither wanted nor needed them. (Like *insisting* we accept toy donations at Christmas when the toys were not fitting with our family's values... but apparently we were just "too proud" to accept them. Umm, yeah. Whatever.) When I can, I help out others too, but sometimes if they don't want help, I realize it's not my place and I back off.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I'm just trying to present the other perspective. And if she is appreciative, by all means, please do what you can for her, I'm sure her DD would benefit. The above suggestions were very gracious.

[philomom]

Sometimes you can help best through the school counselor... no one loses face. Also, you may want to check... my county runs a PTA clothing closet where poor families can get free clothes once a quarter.

[primjillie]

I don't understand why it wouldn't be your place to help out? I think you are being sensative and gentle about the whole thing, and I think you are a generous person. I would keep on what you are doing and just watch their response. If it were me, I would be grateful someone cared enough to help. I do believe it is our place to help out less fortunate than us, especially if they have children.

[inkedmamajama]

when i was in the 6thgrade? we were really broke (i feel ive been low income/struggling 90% of my life) and a family from church came to our house-they had 3 daughters that were just a couple of years older than me, and were always impeccably dressed.

They brought a giant trash bag of clothes to me! it was nnot hand me downs, but clothes they had bought at a dept store, brand name things, all the 'popular things that year' really nice classy leather loafers, keds shoes (remember what a big deal that stupid blue label on the back was?) pants with the brand name on the back, sweaters, etc.

almost an entire wardrobe. I was floored and really excited, and my parents were grateful. i overheard the mom tell my parents they wanted to give me a chance to fit in totally with the other kids in our church/school and now my clothes wouldnt set me apart.

it was a kind, war, generous gesture that i still remember. i remember going to school for the first time in ages feeling like i could hold my head high and walk in the halls of my middle school with out feeling like the 'poor kid on scholarship'

im pretty sure they gave my parents some cash for bills as well.

now i dont know how my parents responded to this, but i never heard any complaints-of course they could have hid their displeasure from me.

my point is that i think what you are feeling is kind and generous of spirit and there is plenty of things you can do. i do like the idea of approaching the counselor at school and trying to organize it through them.

[carfreemama]

I guess my reaction to what I've seen so far comes mostly from what is probably over-identifying with what I remember growing up. I'm really not talking about toys or fancy clothes. Mostly I'm posting this now, because it seems my dd and this little girl are really hitting it off and I'm wondering how to approach anything in the future. So far, it's just been an offer of last year's boots; an offer I would make to any friend. I would never offer to buy clothes for her kid, or pile toys on them. Our family does lots of stuff like clothing swaps, community suppers, it's no big deal. So my instinct is to just offer when I hear the mom talking about something she needs or can't afford. But I fear there's an economic power imbalance here and I just want to watch my step. I will invite her to our next clothing swap, though!

[carfreemama]

Inkedmamajama, I just saw your post. I can SO relate. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. I was that kid growing up. I certainly wouldn't feel like I could be that bold with this family; but I do remember the few times I had something material the other kids had/took for granted/valued. So weird how important those "stupid blue marks" were back then. I have had many, many discussions with my mom about that stuff as an adult. I feel so very sad that I made my mom feel bad for not being able to afford brand labels or whatever. The irony being, of course, that as an adult I LIVE for value village and scour yard sales like they're Tiffanys boutiques. I hope I remember that when dd starts begging for Hannah Montana. Sigh...

[JL83]

I have no problem with hand-me-downs. We have a friend at DD's daycare who's quite well off and she's always bringing bags of clothes for us. Her DD is a size bigger than DD so as she outgrows stuff we get it. I know that in part it's charity, but it's also something that makes sense. They neither plan to have more children, nor would they mind buying new clothes. (The mom really really really likes to shop)

It's especially nice when the items are the high cost kind of items like cute shoes and fall jackets. Those are the kind of things we just wouldn't buy. Fall doesn't last very long so I would be content to layer DD in a couple sweaters and her rain jacket. But it's been really nice to have the right weight of coat. DD does have appropriate shoes. But she's a little girl who loves shoes and it makes her day when the other mom gives her some new-to-her ones.

As for food. I have no problem with people bringing snacks. It is much nicer to know that the person is bringing stuff. There have been a couple times when I've gone out and bought stuff for a playdate and then had the other parent show up with similar food and it was kind of a waste for me to have bought what I did. So I'd casually mention on the phone that you're planning to bring something. You can hide it in "Oh, I found this new recipe for muffins that I've really been wanting to try. Do you mind if I bring them on Saturday?"

One more thing. If the family is low income, their DD probably doesn't get to go to very many fun places. Are the girls old enough that you could call up and offer to take her DD to something fun like the local museum or science center? If the cost of one additional kid wouldn't be too hard on you, that's alot cheaper than their family going.

[Charmie981]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

Our family does lots of stuff like clothing swaps, community suppers, it's no big deal. So my instinct is to just offer when I hear the mom talking about something she needs or can't afford. But I fear there's an economic power imbalance here and I just want to watch my step. I will invite her to our next clothing swap, though!

I think this is the key: this is your lifestyle as well. For me, when we're having a hard time (which is not right now, thank God), if someone who I know frequents yard sales or Goodwill or whatever calls and says "I found a pair of brand new shoes at this yard sale...what size would S need?" it doesn't come across as "charity" as much as it does a friend doing me a favor, KWIM? If it's someone who I know wouldn't ever dare set foot in Goodwill, then, well, I don't think I'd receive it as well.

So I think that channeling some of your thrifting and frugality toward this family probably wouldn't be received poorly in your case and I think it's a great thing that you want to help as much as you can appropriately.

[carfreemama]

It's funny, dd often LOOKS like we spend a small fortune on her wardrobe, if I do say so myself. Not only do I love yard sales, but I've lucked in to a MIL who loves second-hand shopping too. The other day, dd was dressed head-to-toe in sparkly silver clothing, black patent shoes and a faux-suede pink coat with matching hat. Over-the-top? You bet. Total cost for the ENTIRE outfit, including coat and shoes? $20. I must admit I sometimes let people know where we find this stuff, or we'd actually kinda look pretentious (or maybe it's pretentious to say you found things at yard sales)! Too bad this little girl is actually a little bigger than dd, except her feet. But I can get MIL on the trail for her too, maybe!

Also, dd's friend gets a kick out of the fact that we don't have a car, either. I think we're the only two car-free families I've met at this school and it's a pretty urban, accessible part of town!

And yes, I get the impression fun/expensive outings are in short supply. And that's an easy one for us. We do buy family passes to things like museums, where I really CAN bring an extra kid for free. So that's a great idea! It benefits me, too; dd is an only child and loves having other kids along. And there are younger kids in dd's friends family, probably making it that much harder to afford.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

I guess my reaction to what I've seen so far comes mostly from what is probably over-identifying with what I remember growing up. I'm really not talking about toys or fancy clothes. Mostly I'm posting this now, because it seems my dd and this little girl are really hitting it off and I'm wondering how to approach anything in the future. So far, it's just been an offer of last year's boots; an offer I would make to any friend. I would never offer to buy clothes for her kid, or pile toys on them. Our family does lots of stuff like clothing swaps, community suppers, it's no big deal. So my instinct is to just offer when I hear the mom talking about something she needs or can't afford. But I fear there's an economic power imbalance here and I just want to watch my step. I will invite her to our next clothing swap, though!

Just a gentle suggestion from a low income mama, at clothing swaps your trading clothes with other families right? and you also live in a neighborhood where this family is the "poor" family? $10 says this mama won't attend the swap for the same reason I wouldn't. My kids clothes come from either thrift stores, Wal-mart or Target if were really lucky. They barely survive one kid much less being able to be handed down to another and I would be embarrassed to offer the out grown clothes because I know they won't be in the same shape or even the same quality of even middle income families.

[goldingoddess]

Originally Posted by Satori

Just a gentle suggestion from a low income mama, at clothing swaps your trading clothes with other families right? and you also live in a neighborhood where this family is the "poor" family? $10 says this mama won't attend the swap for the same reason I wouldn't. My kids clothes come from either thrift stores, Wal-mart or Target if were really lucky. They barely survive one kid much less being able to be handed down to another and I would be embarrassed to offer the out grown clothes because I know they won't be in the same shape or even the same quality of even middle income families.

Just for another perspective I have been VERY low income in the past, and it wouldn't bother me at all. In fact I would be very excited!

I guess it depends on the personality.

[carfreemama]

Just for clarification, we've only lived in this neighbourhood for a couple of years. Before that, we were in a very low-income area. Many of our old friends are either low income and/or prefer not to buy everything new. So those are mostly the people I do clothing swaps with. This mom might not know that, though. I have thought about organizing a kids' clothing swap for the neighbourhood. We're sort of oddballs for this area. We don't own a car, don't have cable, don't go on expensive vacations, etc. We're not social workers or professors or successful artists. I've been pleasantly surprised by how down-to-earth most people are; but somehow, it doesn't occur to me that THEY'D want to come to a swap! They're all just SOOO much better dressed than me, though maybe not my daughter!

[Smocked]

I was going to say exactly what satori said. My kids clothes are probably not swapable. I got mostly hand-me-downs for my oldest and handed down even to my youngest, so three kids! Not many clothes, even the good brand will make it through a fourth.

I have received many, many hand-me-downs that have saved me and the giver knows! But I know the giver as a dear friend and have known her and her kids for going on 5 years. I'm not so sure I would feel comfortable taking clothes from such a new friend.

[carfreemama]

In my group, we've ALL been in the position of not having "swappable" clothes from time to time. This sometimes for financial reasons, sometimes because we're going through a mental/physical health challenge or new baby or whatever that limits our ability to shop. Generally, we pretty much know this about each other; so if there's a swap, anyone who's in that position unofficially and discretely gets first dibs on the good stuff. There is never any expectation that you have to give to get. But again, this wouldn't be clear to my new friend and she probably wouldn't want to "take" on the first swap! Guess tread lightly, go slowly, put friendship first. I don't feel a need to "help" her so much as I've just been living fairly cooperatively for a long time and needs just seem so, well, practical; x needs y and I have y...done. Now we're in a much more affluent and private neighbourhood and it's actually harder to operate that way, it seems. We'll start with the museum pass and take it from there.

[Sierra]

First of all, I want to say I relate in terms of childhood memories, at least in the earlier part of my childhood and especially when we first moved to a particular city where most folks were a step ahead of us, in terms of income-expense net. I also wanted to post as a mama who is right now financially struggling. I too don't have appropriate winter shoes this year. We have a friend who, I don't really know if she knows how much we are struggling. She helps us in many little ways, but it feels totally natural in our relationship because she honestly hasn't let on how much she realizes, if anything. I have another friend who does know because it came up through something we were doing together. She's a SAHM, and I know she's doing okay but doesn't have a lot either. She asked me outright what she could do to help, and she said it in a very loving, comfortable way, but I still didn't feel like I had an answer for her. Her son is younger than my kids, and it is not like I was going to say, ''yeah can you share your membership to [Fill in blank] so my kids can go too" or whatever. Prideful? Maybe. But it's not that I'd necessarily have trouble receiving help...that would just depend (we've received help even recently from an MDC mama)...it is just that it felt uncomfortable to be in a position of asking a friend who asked us to ask because she realized our position. I also wasn't sure exactly what she was offering.

Originally Posted by Satori

Just a gentle suggestion from a low income mama, at clothing swaps your trading clothes with other families right? and you also live in a neighborhood where this family is the "poor" family? $10 says this mama won't attend the swap for the same reason I wouldn't. My kids clothes come from either thrift stores, Wal-mart or Target if were really lucky. They barely survive one kid much less being able to be handed down to another and I would be embarrassed to offer the out grown clothes because I know they won't be in the same shape or even the same quality of even middle income families.

This is slightly true for us, though we've been blessed with some amazing gifts and hand-me- downs. We still hold onto clothes, though, because even though money is tight right now, we feel optimistic about the future and do hope to one day have more kids. This induces some internal guilt, as I feel we really ought to spread the wealth that has been shared with us... on the one hand... but on the other hand these clothes came to us in precious ways and mean a lot to us.

[Noelle C.]

To save face for this mother, would it be possible to leave items in a box on her door step so she doesn't feel like someone's individual charity case? It's easier to turn away help that's offered when the offerer is right in front of you because it can feel embarassing to take help. But it's not so easy to throw away food and needed items when they're left anonymously on the doorstep.