When/how to support low-income classmate's family? - Page 2

[enkmom]

If your girls are friends, I see nothing wrong with passing along clothing your daughter "can't use", and providing the snack when the girls have a playdate is just good manners. Anything more, if you are not friends with the mother and are not asked, seems to blur the lines between friendship and "project".

A friend of mine stopped in to the principal's office and left money "on account" for her son's friend. It was used to cover field trip expenses, forgotten lunch money, out of dress code donations, etc. The expenses are most likely not the same at a public school, but you get the idea. Due to privacy issues, the school can't give you information about the family but I'm willing to bet they will help you help them.

[carfreemama]

Thanks for the perspective, everyone. We'll see how friendly the girls get and whether the mom and I click on a more personal level. I hope I'm not seeing her as a project, but maybe that's what it comes down to. I just want to share a little. I was on the receiving end a lot in my early years and it sure was nice to get a little boost now and then. But I definitely don't want to make that the focus of our friendship, or I WILL come across as an uninvited social worker. I guess that's why I posted this. I can see that potential.

[Ianthe]

I was that kid growing up too... One time someone sent us a "Christmas in July" package that had new clothes and a few small toys for all of us kids... it was anonymous... I don't think my parents ever found out who sent it.

I always offer hand-me-downs to fellow mama friends, I don't think any of them get offended. I also receive lots of hand-me-downs and I don't get offended when my mama friends offer them to me. I would say something like this "I am going to run a box of DD's clothes to the thrift store, would you like to take a look and see if there is anything that will fit your dd before I do?"

[AidansMommy1012]

A couple of years ago, we hit on some hard times. One thing I remember one of my friends doing is that she always brought a lot of food over during the weekly playdate. We ran it like a potluck, but she usually brought enough that there were considerable leftovers, and then "forgot" them and left the leftovers behind. It helped to have the extra food around. She wasn't wealthy or anything, but wasn't in the dire straits we were in at the time.

[carfreemama]

Thanks for all the excellent advice, mamas! I think I have a bit of a working plan now. From what everyone is saying:

Keep it anonymous, if it's anything beyond the usual hand-me-downs and playdate foods.

Don't put her in a position of doing things/inviting her to things that cost money, unless there is a VERY subtle way of covering any expense.

Possibly contact the school for ideas about how to help more substantially, but anonymously.

I like the idea of leaving potluck leftovers. People have done that for me when I was in financial difficulties. Even now, it feels like a bonanza when extra food is around. Then I don't have to cook!

Note to self: Don't focus on this issue in our friendship or our daughters' friendship!

[morgainesmama]

A neighbor recently approached me with some hand-downs for the boys -- not knowing me well, she doesn't know that I have a HUGE hand-me-down network (ie -- friend A says "I've got some stuff that doesn't fit my child anymore; do you know anyone who can use it?" and I call friend B who calls friend C, and so the goods are passed).

So this mama said "Hey, can you use any secondhand clothes? My son just outgrew a lot of things, and I thought they'd fit your son." I was able to say, yes! and by the way, I have a bag of things too big for your son, could he use them? And we traded.

But the point is, it was a really respectful way to broach it and I noted her tact and attempt not to offend me.

Now, my brother will often show up with 3-4 bags of groceries, and that makes me really uncomfortable.

Lastly, I have a friend who grew up in poverty, and each year she can afford it now, she adopts a family anonomously, gathers friends to contribute, and Christmas Eve does a "ding-dong ditch" then hides and watches to make sure the family finds the bag of goodies on their front porch. If you would like to contribute some new things to their household, something like this (in whatever level feels good to you) with some nonperishable, holiday related foods and appropriate gifts (maybe of clothes or whatever?) would be a lovely gesture.