Queer and Pregnant! Nov. Dec. and January 2009! - Page 8

[megincl]

kimlyn,

I am ever so sorry for this loss. May you and your partner find much peace, love, and comfort in these times.

Be well,
megin

[pleasantlyfurious]

Beastie and Kimlyn - I am so sorry. It is so unfair. I'm thinking of you both and your families during this time. Be kind to yourselves.

[carmen358]

Originally Posted by starling&diesel

Potentially TMI: My twat felt very puffy and was quite sensitive, and it was like i was walking with a bowling ball between my legs. But the biggest difference was that I could breath again with the new space for my lungs to move! Exciting that you're getting so close!

Your description is actually quite accurate to what I've been feeling. My heartburn has lessened too.

It is exciting

[wishin'&hopin']

kimlyn & beastie

[kjm]

Needing Advice

So I've been having some issues of reliability and trust with my homebirth midwife and I'm seeking people's opinions about what I should do at this point.

Out of the last 3 appts my midwife was 30 mins late, out sick with the flu and then 20 mins late. Each time I wasn't left totally "in the lurch" but rather met with the other midwife in her practice. After the "out sick" appt (which she had had the flu for over a week by the time of our appt) I contacted her and said that I felt a little passed off, and that in the future I would like a heads up if she couldn't be there. I also addressed that she was the midwife that I hired and it was her that I wished to have my contacts with (previously if I put a call in to her 90% the other midwife called me back).

She seemed to understand and said she was glad that I brought these things up--but then again, next visit she was 20 mins late again saying "oh I thought the appt was at 10:30" same line as the time she was 30 mins late--though my appts have ALWAYS been 10am, and the other midwife told me that they had confirmed the appt time the day before with each other.

In the past week I have written her 3 emails (she was out of town for the holiday and said email would be a good way to reach her). She completely ignored my first email (which was about questionable discharge that I think should be addressed ASAP!). She responded to my second, again confirming that she would be checking email regularly. And then has ignored my 3rd (which laid out all my insecurities) for 3 days now.

So here I am, with 5 or so weeks left wondering if I can rely on this woman. I'm pissed that my $2500 has been paid and I'm not sure if I should consider changing this late in the game. The reality is that I don't doubt that she will make it to my birth, but I can't help but feel hurt and unimportant to her at this time. The thing I struggle with is that one of the reasons I chose homebirth was I didn't want to feel like a number, just another client, I wanted to feel special, nurtured and cared for. Maybe that was fantasy?

My mother keeps saying either way this kid is coming, and I get that. It doesn't have to be perfect, but I really thought I'd be feeling a deeper bond with my midwife by 35 weeks, not feeling further from her.

Part of my wonders if this is just cold feet?? Are my insecurities about birthing flaring and I'm putting them on her??

[jjnoho]

Originally Posted by kjm

So I've been having some issues of reliability and trust with my homebirth midwife and I'm seeking people's opinions about what I should do at this point.

Part of my wonders if this is just cold feet?? Are my insecurities about birthing flaring and I'm putting them on her??

that sounds like an awful way to feel as you near the home stretch. it seems like you need to be feeling more trust and less anxiety about her. her behavior has not shown her reliability - that would make me upset too. i am a person of my word so have little patience with medical professionals getting appointment times wrong or not responding when they said they will.

fwiw, i am using a hopsital based midwife group and am in noho. i have never felt like a number to them during the ttc process and now early prenatal. i think they are all great and have provided personal care to dp and me.

whatever you decide going forward, best of luck in figuring it out. this is not the time for her to be flaking out on you.

[indigoscot]

kjm, i would be pissed too! it's one of my pet peeves - people being late to already scheduled appts and "oh i thought it was at 1030am" doesn't cut it with me, especially if she's used the same excuse more than once. otoh, i wouldn't want to switch this late in the game, and lose $2500!! i hope you can work something out with her soon.

we are seeing an ob partly because dp is considered somewhat high-risk and partly because she is my ob too and we are both comfortable with her. the practice is great - we've seen all the doctors at least once before - and they do their best to see everyone on time - and that's not easy given some of the patients roll in 5 or 10mins late sometimes. it's pretty funny that our least favourite doctor was the one on-call when i went into labour but she was great in the delivery room! lol! maybe that's a little level of comfort to you?

g

[carmen358]

I think your concerns and irritation are totally valid, kjm. When DP and I went for our first appointment with one of our midwives (they work in teams so you alternate appointments) we were not 100% secure with a homebirth. However, because of the "personalized" care we quickly became sold on a homebirth. My point is, because I was a little nervous about a homebirth in the first place I can imagine a flaky or seemingly undependable midwife would definitely make me question my decision. It sounds like you see the other midwife regularly - can you transfer to her and not have to pay again? You also mentioned that you have a doula friend already so I'm sure she will help you through any anxiety and decisions. One thing to keep in mind is - if you decide to transfer care now, you likely won't have any more personal care than you are getting now just because of the timeline. But, don't let her ruin your birth plan!!!

[MujerMamaMismo]

Keely - that sounds really crappy and unprofessional but then it's always hard to know what's going on for ppl - and private midwifery is one of those games where the personal/professional line is a bit blurry. I'd be inclined to post this in the birth professionals part of this board and see what other midwives think and if there's anything they suggest you can do this late in the game.

I had a lot of pre birth stress due to my care provision and it really sucked at a time that iwas so very vulnerable. You really don't need to be fighting anyone in your last days and weeks of pregnancy. I hope you can resolve it asap.

Originally Posted by kjm

Needing Advice

So I've been having some issues of reliability and trust with my homebirth midwife and I'm seeking people's opinions about what I should do at this point.

Out of the last 3 appts my midwife was 30 mins late, out sick with the flu and then 20 mins late. Each time I wasn't left totally "in the lurch" but rather met with the other midwife in her practice. After the "out sick" appt (which she had had the flu for over a week by the time of our appt) I contacted her and said that I felt a little passed off, and that in the future I would like a heads up if she couldn't be there. I also addressed that she was the midwife that I hired and it was her that I wished to have my contacts with (previously if I put a call in to her 90% the other midwife called me back).

She seemed to understand and said she was glad that I brought these things up--but then again, next visit she was 20 mins late again saying "oh I thought the appt was at 10:30" same line as the time she was 30 mins late--though my appts have ALWAYS been 10am, and the other midwife told me that they had confirmed the appt time the day before with each other.

In the past week I have written her 3 emails (she was out of town for the holiday and said email would be a good way to reach her). She completely ignored my first email (which was about questionable discharge that I think should be addressed ASAP!). She responded to my second, again confirming that she would be checking email regularly. And then has ignored my 3rd (which laid out all my insecurities) for 3 days now.

So here I am, with 5 or so weeks left wondering if I can rely on this woman. I'm pissed that my $2500 has been paid and I'm not sure if I should consider changing this late in the game. The reality is that I don't doubt that she will make it to my birth, but I can't help but feel hurt and unimportant to her at this time. The thing I struggle with is that one of the reasons I chose homebirth was I didn't want to feel like a number, just another client, I wanted to feel special, nurtured and cared for. Maybe that was fantasy?

My mother keeps saying either way this kid is coming, and I get that. It doesn't have to be perfect, but I really thought I'd be feeling a deeper bond with my midwife by 35 weeks, not feeling further from her.

Part of my wonders if this is just cold feet?? Are my insecurities about birthing flaring and I'm putting them on her??

[kjm]

Thanks y'all

So I did 2 things yesterday, made an appt with a new midwife for next week and had a real deal talk with my current midwife.

I'm trying now to give it a few days to make my decision. I am scheduled for my first home visit this Friday with my current midwife.

The conversation we had was tough. She reminded me that she has a life, a family and other clients, meanwhile all of my energy is going into this pregnancy and so obviously our levels of attention are different. She let me know that she is mostly confused as to how I can come off so confident and competent during our appts, yet be so scared and insecure between appts. She also said that I have such a big birth team she is confused as to where she fits in. So I guess we have both been acting from a place of insecurity.

I assured her that my birth teams tasks are to get me water and food, to hold the space for me in my life and in my community. That having all these folks present is about THEM committing to the birth and rearing of my child NOT them checking my dialation, baby's heart rate, or even catching my baby. Thats her job. They will be there for "buy-in" to my family NOT to take her place.

She told me that email is a really bad means of communication for her. She isn't on the internet consistently (where as I am every minute of most days) and that when she reads my emails she assumes I have written them in the same cool, calm and collected demeanor that I have when we have appts and has NO idea that I'm sobbing while typing. She asked that I always call her and if its not an emergency and not a good time she will tell me that BUT that at least then she will have an accurate depiction on what is going on.

I think she was psyched to get me as a client because I had already done so much reading and preparation, I had a huge support system, I was taking classes, I was confident and she thought this would be easy. Now she is realizing ALL those things aside, as we get into the home stretch ALL that other "normal" stuff is gonna come up and she is gonna have to work hard to support me through it.

All this said, she still has been flaking, but I think now she gets it--I'm just as out of my gourd as any first time mama approaching my due date.

[baby.fatty]

Henry Earl arrived 6:54 a.m. 12/9, at exactly 42 weeks. He and I are both healthy and happy!

I was scheduled for an induction overnight 12/8, but my water broke first at 3am that morning. L & D had me come in to start the induction right away instead of waiting to see if labor would start on its own before my scheduled time. I labored well for about 12 hours but then labor stalled at 5cm; on the advice of my midwife I got an epidural to see if that would help me progress but alas, I stayed at 5cm despite maxing out the amount of pit they would give me. Hank was born via c-section without any complications. He is just a tiny bean at 8lbs 4oz considering I come from a family of big babies and he was 2 weeks overdue!

Pics forthcoming! Thanks for all of your support for us throughout this journey.

[kjm]

Congrats baby fatty!!! Welcome Hank!!

[pleasantlyfurious]

Congratulations babyfatty!! And welcome to the world little Hank!!

[jjnoho]

congratulations babyfatty!

fyi: i have updated your status on the new thread.

[megincl]

Congrats babyfatty! Welcome Hank!

Enjoy the babymoon

[carmen358]

Congratulations!!!! Welcome, Hank

[KSDoulaMama]

Congratulations to you! And welcome, Hank. I wish you an easy recovery and lots of love.