So I did 2 things yesterday, made an appt with a new midwife for next week and had a real deal talk with my current midwife.
I'm trying now to give it a few days to make my decision. I am scheduled for my first home visit this Friday with my current midwife.
The conversation we had was tough. She reminded me that she has a life, a family and other clients, meanwhile all of my energy is going into this pregnancy and so obviously our levels of attention are different. She let me know that she is mostly confused as to how I can come off so confident and competent during our appts, yet be so scared and insecure between appts. She also said that I have such a big birth team she is confused as to where she fits in. So I guess we have both been acting from a place of insecurity.
I assured her that my birth teams tasks are to get me water and food, to hold the space for me in my life and in my community. That having all these folks present is about THEM committing to the birth and rearing of my child NOT them checking my dialation, baby's heart rate, or even catching my baby. Thats her job. They will be there for "buy-in" to my family NOT to take her place.
She told me that email is a really bad means of communication for her. She isn't on the internet consistently (where as I am every minute of most days) and that when she reads my emails she assumes I have written them in the same cool, calm and collected demeanor that I have when we have appts and has NO idea that I'm sobbing while typing. She asked that I always call her and if its not an emergency and not a good time she will tell me that BUT that at least then she will have an accurate depiction on what is going on.
I think she was psyched to get me as a client because I had already done so much reading and preparation, I had a huge support system, I was taking classes, I was confident and she thought this would be easy. Now she is realizing ALL those things aside, as we get into the home stretch ALL that other "normal" stuff is gonna come up and she is gonna have to work hard to support me through it.
All this said, she still has been flaking, but I think now she gets it--I'm just as out of my gourd as any first time mama approaching my due date.