Defending your decision - Page 2

[SilvanaRose]

I really appreciate all the advice here. I know I shouldn't have to discuss anything with them. We were at the IL's again last night and they were talking about the health care systme here and I mentioned that I'm seriously thinking of going back to Canada to have the baby and taking my chances coming back across the border. The didn't say anything. My parents are worried about me having the baby here....I had an entire thread about my situation awhile back so I don't want to rehash it all but I still need to deal with it effectively.

DH thinks I want to 'cut' his parents out of the equation every time I have a problem. I truly don't think he understands. We have an amazing relationship but when it comes to me having a problem with his parents he gets defensive, which I believe is normal to a certain extent. He agrees with me on pretty much every parenting decision but seems to have a hard time with boundary issues between us and the IL's. I like to think I'm good at letting people know what I want and what I stand for, I'm fairly outspoken but I'm afraid I might come across as a total b*t*h to them. They just look stunned every time I state my choices. Take last night for example (nothing to do with circ but relevant to the situation). Their neighbor lady asked if I wanted to go snowshoeing with her this winter when I was up for it and I said I would love to.
FIL says "Good you can leave my grandchild with me".
I just looked at him and said "Um no, I will not be leaving my child with anyone that young".
He looks stunned and says "Well what are you going to do with it when you go snowshoeing?",
Me "Um, carry it! In a carrier!" lol.
So he says "Well we want to babysit"
Me "too bad. I'm not leaving it for that length of time when it's that young, I will be exclusively breastfeeding"
FIL "Well pump so I can bottle feed it!"
Me "I'm not pumping my milk for anyone, I'm taking my baby!"
Silence.
Neighbor lady "I know my baby couldn't do both (bottle/breast) because of nipple confusion, so it's best for her to breastfeed"
THANK YOU!!!!

So yeah, this is what I deal with every. single. time. we go there. They even stated they are going to 'hog' the baby. :roll You shouldv'e heard the discussion when I told them we were having Christmas at our house this year.....LOL

I need to help them understand in the nicest way possible that I am not having this baby for them. It was my choice to get pregnant and it certainly wasn't because I wanted them to have a grandchild. This is our new family now. They need to understand that they are not the parents to MY child nor do they have ANY say whatsoever in what we choose is best in it's upbringing. This is what I'm ultimately having a problem with. In some ways I'm really hoping for a girl so I can avoid the whole circ issue and partly because I want to be right (they keep saying it's a boy and hoping for a boy).

[knucklehead]

Originally Posted by SilvanaRose

I really appreciate all the advice here. I know I shouldn't have to discuss anything with them. We were at the IL's again last night and they were talking about the health care systme here and I mentioned that I'm seriously thinking of going back to Canada to have the baby and taking my chances coming back across the border. The didn't say anything. My parents are worried about me having the baby here....I had an entire thread about my situation awhile back so I don't want to rehash it all but I still need to deal with it effectively.

DH thinks I want to 'cut' his parents out of the equation every time I have a problem. I truly don't think he understands. We have an amazing relationship but when it comes to me having a problem with his parents he gets defensive, which I believe is normal to a certain extent. He agrees with me on pretty much every parenting decision but seems to have a hard time with boundary issues between us and the IL's. I like to think I'm good at letting people know what I want and what I stand for, I'm fairly outspoken but I'm afraid I might come across as a total b*t*h to them. They just look stunned every time I state my choices. Take last night for example (nothing to do with circ but relevant to the situation). Their neighbor lady asked if I wanted to go snowshoeing with her this winter when I was up for it and I said I would love to.
FIL says "Good you can leave my grandchild with me".
I just looked at him and said "Um no, I will not be leaving my child with anyone that young".
He looks stunned and says "Well what are you going to do with it when you go snowshoeing?",
Me "Um, carry it! In a carrier!" lol.
So he says "Well we want to babysit"
Me "too bad. I'm not leaving it for that length of time when it's that young, I will be exclusively breastfeeding"
FIL "Well pump so I can bottle feed it!"
Me "I'm not pumping my milk for anyone, I'm taking my baby!"
Silence.
Neighbor lady "I know my baby couldn't do both (bottle/breast) because of nipple confusion, so it's best for her to breastfeed"
THANK YOU!!!!

So yeah, this is what I deal with every. single. time. we go there. They even stated they are going to 'hog' the baby. :roll You shouldv'e heard the discussion when I told them we were having Christmas at our house this year.....LOL

I need to help them understand in the nicest way possible that I am not having this baby for them. It was my choice to get pregnant and it certainly wasn't because I wanted them to have a grandchild. This is our new family now. They need to understand that they are not the parents to MY child nor do they have ANY say whatsoever in what we choose is best in it's upbringing. This is what I'm ultimately having a problem with. In some ways I'm really hoping for a girl so I can avoid the whole circ issue and partly because I want to be right (they keep saying it's a boy and hoping for a boy).

If I were you I'd head to the farthest corner of Nova Scotia to have your baby. Seriously your ILs are so out of line. They have no boundaries. They have no business telling you to pump, circ, whatever! Your husband needs to be set straight RIGHT NOW where his allegience should lie. It will only get worse if you don't demand he respect you and defend you now. Trust me! BTDT! They are bullies and have obviously bullied him his whole life but he needs to man up now and set some limits. They had the opportunity to parent, now it's supposed to be yours and DH's turn. I really feel for you. You have much more patience than I do. I would have already cut off contact until things changed.

[prothyraia]

I would have the baby in Canada if at all possible, if I were you. For many reason, the U.S. maternity care system being hiiiiigh up on the list.

[bandgeek]

Originally Posted by SilvanaRose

I need to help them understand in the nicest way possible that I am not having this baby for them. This is our new family now.

Say it. Just like that. "I'm not having this baby for you. DH and I are starting our own family and WE will decide what's best for us, not you."

[zinemama]

OP, I don't mean to come down on you, but I think you are opening yourself up to and instigating these situations. You may indeed be good at letting people know what you want and what you stand for - but that is the wrong approach here. It only opens the door to problems.

Take the snowshoe incident. This would have gone a lot more smoothly for you if you'd done the following:

Their neighbor lady asked if I wanted to go snowshoeing with her this winter when I was up for it and I said I would love to.

FIL says "Good you can leave my grandchild with me".

You: Thanks, FIL, that's kind of you. More bean dip?

Now, of course you wouldn't be leaving your child with FIL. But what on earth is the point of getting into it with him now? Had you simply thanked him, you would not have been committing to anything, not gotten into any argument, not opened yourself up to more mess with them. All you would have done is commented on FIL's generosity. And then changed the subject.

That is the kind of attitude you need to take with them.

Frankly, from your descriptions of your interactions, it sounds like you bait your ILs into these arguments. And I bet that's what your dh is having such a hard time being on your side about.

[SilvanaRose]

Originally Posted by zinemama

OP, I don't mean to come down on you, but I think you are opening yourself up to and instigating these situations. You may indeed be good at letting people know what you want and what you stand for - but that is the wrong approach here. It only opens the door to problems.

Take the snowshoe incident. This would have gone a lot more smoothly for you if you'd done the following:

Their neighbor lady asked if I wanted to go snowshoeing with her this winter when I was up for it and I said I would love to.

FIL says "Good you can leave my grandchild with me".

You: Thanks, FIL, that's kind of you. More bean dip?

Now, of course you wouldn't be leaving your child with FIL. But what on earth is the point of getting into it with him now? Had you simply thanked him, you would not have been committing to anything, not gotten into any argument, not opened yourself up to more mess with them. All you would have done is commented on FIL's generosity. And then changed the subject.

That is the kind of attitude you need to take with them.

Frankly, from your descriptions of your interactions, it sounds like you bait your ILs into these arguments. And I bet that's what your dh is having such a hard time being on your side about.

Actually that is a very good point. Honestly I find myself getting irritated just thinking about anything to do with them that I often lash out with stuff like that. I was nice at first. I do believe that it takes 2 to argue and if I just stop there wouldn't be an argument. I am thinking a lot about what you said here and it totally makes sense. Don't worry about coming down on me, I asked for advice and I will be the first to admit I need to work on diplomacy sometimes lol.

[an_aurora]

Yeah I'd run far away...and did. IL's are in AZ, we are in AK and I like it that way! It's very easy to hit "ignore" when his phone number comes up on caller ID. My FIL tried to talk DH into "making his own decisions" about circ'ing after I posted an anti-circ comment on my FB. Basically, you know, overrule my right as a mother and get our sweet boy circ'ed. Obviously it didn't happen.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

I have removed a few posts from this thread.
Per the TCAC guidelines:

The discussion of or reference to religion is outside of the scope of this forum. Any posts which bring any aspect of religion into the discussion are not appropriate and will be removed. Respectful discussion of a religious nature regarding circumcision, alternatives, etc. may be hosted in the Spirituality forum. The Spirituality forum is a debate-free zone. Members maintain a list of helpful websites in a Web Resources thread for further information about religious issues.

Also, please keep the discussion respectful. Thanks!

[WC_hapamama]

Originally Posted by an_aurora

Yeah I'd run far away...and did. IL's are in AZ, we are in AK and I like it that way! It's very easy to hit "ignore" when his phone number comes up on caller ID. My FIL tried to talk DH into "making his own decisions" about circ'ing after I posted an anti-circ comment on my FB. Basically, you know, overrule my right as a mother and get our sweet boy circ'ed. Obviously it didn't happen.

My MIL has tried similar tactics before, only not about circ. I told him that if he agreed with her, that he was more than welcome to start looking for a lawyer for a divorce right then, and I wasn't joking.

Like your FIL, my MIL has some SERIOUS boundary issues. We let her yammer about it, and then blow her off 95% of the time... a la the "Please pass the bean dip" comments.

The OP needs to make it clear to both her DH and his parents that you're having kids because you want to start your own family, not to provide entertainment for the IL's.

[Smokering]

Yikes. NAMES they like? That's... kind of horrific. What you name your child is none of their business.

I mean yes, obviously the circ issue is more important, but the name thing pushes my buttons - it seems such a blatant way to disempower young parents. That's one of the cool things about having a baby, you know? It's YOURS! You get to NAME it! And when someone starts trying to control that it really feels like they're subtly taking away ownership of the baby... not that babies are ever "owned" per se, but you know... ach, forget it. It would infuriate me, is all.

My inlaws tried to convince us to circ, as well. (We ended up having a girl, but actually it worked out pretty well because I was able to present some anti-circ information in front of SIL. Now she's had a boy, and whether or not they tried to convince her separately I don't know, but I do know she'd heard the other side and the baby is intact.) Um, our argument was even more awkward - can you say Christmas Day? I'm not sure I handled it "well", but I did make it clear that I was NOT going to change my mind; and that did it. Possibly because they know I'm a stubborn so-and-so, but whatever works, right? So being implacable is probably on your side.

[Greg B]

I would follow up with this printed out for them to read. It is clear they are badly misinformed, and further do not know how to make a rational decision:

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcisi...yStatement.pdf

Note, I would do this in a way that 1) gives them some understanding of your basis for making the decision, and 2) gives them an authoritative reference for information.

Then I would just let it lie unless they bring it up again. You might want to do some research on their belief system and it's underpinnings that support RIC, many people think that there are requirments for RIC when the references used to support these beliefs do not actually do so. You also may want to do some research on cases where our government and society have ruled against the parent's wishes to protect the rights of dependents. It is a common fallacy that if a parent can show supporting documentation to a belief, then they can do it no matter what. Female circumcision being a good example, but there are others.

Best wishes

[adinanikki]

I am preparing myself for the exact same argument, and expecting to get the "I'm a nurse and I know best" line from my MIL too. I'd like to tell her that she's clueless and outdated and I'd be horrofied to find out that she was the only nurse available in a scary situation, but I'm no good at confrontation or standing up for myself sometimes so thanks for your posting. It gives me courage to know I'm not alone!

[Greg B]

Originally Posted by adinanikki

I am preparing myself for the exact same argument, and expecting to get the "I'm a nurse and I know best" line from my MIL too. I'd like to tell her that she's clueless and outdated and I'd be horrofied to find out that she was the only nurse available in a scary situation, but I'm no good at confrontation or standing up for myself sometimes so thanks for your posting. It gives me courage to know I'm not alone!

You may want to have this printed and ready to hand her:

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcisi...yStatement.pdf

It is written by doctors, covers the main points, and has a good set of references.

Best wishes

[AnnieNimIty]

In situations like this, maybe it would be good to have your Husband speak up. I know my husband and I have had some great child rearing discussions pre-baby. Granted there is a lot of ground to cover. Step one is that you and your baby are more important than his relationship with his folks.
If you both know how you want to parent after the baby is born, HE should be able to speak up if necessary. Like, you both think EBF is best, he should say, oh, the baby needs to stay with his mamma.
And also, by taking your baby snow-shoeing and outdoors at such a young age you are setting the stage for the future activity levels of your children. AWESOME.

There was one poster on some thread who said that he deals with his parents you deal with your parents.

Good for you for sticking to your guns!