No "birth high" with either birth. What's wrong with me?

[Harmony96]

Where is my natural-birth euphoria that I'm supposed to have had?

With DD, we were "home-birth wannabes" but after weighing everything, decided to birth in the hospital instead. We stayed home until I felt like it was time to go, and then DD was in my arms three hours later, drug-free birth. Her story is in the Birth Stories forum somewhere. We didn't find out what she was beforehand, but I felt like she was a girl and sort of wanted a girl.

But even despite getting the "wanted" gender and having a drug-free birth, I didn't have any big euphoria or anything that natural-birth mamas are "supposed" to have. I thought maybe that it was b/c we were in the hospital.

Then when we found out we were pregnant w/ #2, we made plans for a homebirth. I had a great pregnancy and a "different" birth than DD's (DS's birth story is here as well), but we were successful w/ a homebirth. But I STILL didn't have any "birth high." It was just "ok, I had a baby, I gave birth at home, ok." There are a couple of pictures where I'm smiling, but it's not really a natural smile... more like an "oh yeah, someone's taking pictures, maybe I should smile" smile. I'm not smiling in the video at all. Maybe it's b/c I was sick (I had a bad cold during labor/delivery).

Maybe my body just doesn't "do" the "birth high" thing.

I think my feelings about this lack of a high are contributing to the baby blues this time. I *think* I'm finally on the upswing from those, b/c I really hate feeling this way. I totally lost it on Thursday. I yelled at DD and yelled at DH and cried.

I even posted a thread when DD was a few months old where I didn't really feel "bonded" to her yet. And I can already see myself going down the same path w/ DS. What kind of mother am I, that I can't even properly bond to my own children, despite having an ideal (in my mind) birth?

Before ever getting pregnant, I originally wanted 4-5 children... but now I don't know. If I'm just going to feel so "blah" and "unexcited" afterwards... why do this again?

[JamieCatheryn]

I attribute the post birth high I feel after mine to the huge levels of endorphins and oxcyitocin (sp?) leftover from birth and the relief of not longer being in labor. My labors were both long and toward the end extremely intense, prime for extremely high endorphin levels. The first time around I didn't feel great until I left the hospital and got outside at the park, everything felt so dead there it was a confused feeling for me until I got out. My homebirth I felt good although sore right away. Then I had some baby blues and physically feeling like crud both times once the hormones wore off and before I recovered about days 3-5. How did your labors go? And the environment and events surrounding postpartum days? Did you get to rest?

[Astraia]

This was me after DD was born.

We had her at home after a straightforward, easy birth (and an equally straightforward, easy pregnancy) and when they passed her to me the second she came out my first thought was, "oh wow, she's warm!" followed by.... "everyone is waiting for your first reaction, DO SOMETHING TOUCHING!"

So I said the standard "Oh my baby" thing and tried to cry a bit (didn't work, but seemed convincing enough, I guess).

I couldn't sleep after she was born, though I was encouraged to, so I sat around with my mom and sister (DH went straight to sleep) and chatted.

It took a surprisingly long time to feel a connection. We were breastfeeding right away, we did lots of skin to skin time the first hours and days after she was born, no drugs or anything...I was expecting an immediate connection.

I'm going to expect the same thing with the son we're having sometime Jan-Feb. I'll do what i can to facilitate easy bonding (ie, homebirth, no drugs, etc) but I won't beat myself up about a lack of connection.

The way I see it is that you've got tons of natural hormones running through your body, labour is hard work and a lot to take in all at once, and sometimes it's hard to wrap your head around the fact that you have a BABY. That it really was a baby in your belly. And for me, I feel like I need to sit and admire and get to know this little being before my heart can form that attachment.

That's just me- that's just how I work. Nothing to feel guilty about. Just because other moms have that birth high & instant attachment doesn't mean something is wrong with me because I don't.

There are a lot of problems with the natural birth movement (I hate to say it, but it's true). It can make moms who don't get their natural birth feel guilty. It can make moms who don't feel the "expected" emotions feel horribly guilty.

We're not cookie-cutter images of each other. To expect women to have the same emotional response to something as unique and personal as labour and birth and having a BABY is wrong.

Not to say all natural birth supporters do this- not at all! But there is an expectation (either one we place on ourselves or that is placed on us) to feel or respond in a certain way after you have a baby.

[melamama]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, or that anything is wrong with you.

Originally Posted by Harmony96

But even despite getting the "wanted" gender and having a drug-free birth, I didn't have any big euphoria or anything that natural-birth mamas are "supposed" to have.

I've had 4 home born children, great births, but HARD labor, hard birth. I always thought the euphoria was just being done, a big out breath, then settle down in your own bed and go to sleep. I don't know of anything else that is "supposed" to happen.

Also I've never (except maybe my first) "bonded" right away with my kids, I've always sort of felt like those newborn days (and weeks) they're like little aliens, that I'm not even sure about them for a while. Then the smiles start and it's all ok.

I think it would help to work on letting go of other people's expectations about what the ideal birth is (and certainly take a hard look at what our natural birth subculture expects about birth), and even process more about your ideal and actual birth. I don't know if your mw does any pp care, but it may help to process the birth with her, let her know your feelings, etc. If she doesn't do this sort of thing, I think it would be useful to find another person or counselor that you can process with.

Also, about the yelling thing, I remember reading in a book about a mother commenting about how she never yelled when she had her first (and that she had negative views about "those mothers" who couldn't handle their anger...then she had her second. It's a lot. Your hormones are crazy, you have another dc (maybe a toddler) running around, you need to give yourself a break.

[moonglowmama]

I don't think there's a certain way you need to feel upon having a baby.

I will say that your story reminds me of my own after my daughter was born. A year before, we had had a daughter die of anencephaly and so when my living daughter was born, I was frankly in a state of shock and it took me about 9 months to start to feel really connected to her. There were more times than I'd like to admit of me just not knowing what to do with her and yelling at her. It took a good 2 years before I was as close to her as I was with my ds at his birth.

So, I guess my question is: is there some past trauma in your life that is triggered by your birth experiences?

If I'm totally off-base you can ignore me. Really.

[Peony]

I had the high with both my girls and the instant strong bond. It was different with DS. His birth was much harder, just a very fast, intense labor. He was born and I was just like, eh, a baby, it was so different then with the girls. The bond was instant with them, with DS it took so much longer.

[bajamergrrl]

I had a homebirth (away from home) and it was a good experience. However, I didn't have that after birth euphoria either. It was more like relief that I didn't have to push anymore and surprise that my baby was a boy who looked a lot like my father at the time. Don't beat yourself up, OP, there are exceptions to every rule. It doesn't make you any less of a mother.

[lifeguard]

I don't know - I just felt relieved it was over. I was so exhausted & once I finally got to be cleaned up & back into a clean, warm bed (stitching took over an hour) I just felt warm & relaxed - not what I would call a high. I think it is just different for everyone.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

It took me about 3 months to really "Bond" with DS1. I was FAREAKED OUT. When we got home fromt he hospital, it was like there was a giant pink elephant in the room. I couldnt relax. I really dont have fond memories of when DS1 was first born.

[berrymama]

I felt that way after DS was born. It was a natural FAST hospital, unplanned waterbirth. At first I think I was just in shock that he was here after just 3 hours of labor! Then started the colic and the reflux and the tongue tie issues. It took me a good 6 months to a year to really bond well I think.
I am planning a homebirth for this one, and am hoping that being prepared for a fast labor will allow me to process at least that part of it better. Reading this thread has been good for me though...because I think I do have the expectation that this one will be better in some way. But maybe it won't be and I need to remember that that is ok too. hmmm...maybe I should bookmark this thread.

[Belle]

I had a birth high after my extremely stressed but natural hospital birth. I felt wonderful. I was also badgered repeatedly for interventions I didn't want, harrassed during labor and after the birth. Who would have thought I would feel so wonderful after such an experience.

I had every reason to expect one from my homebirth too. My homebirth was exactly the beautiful experience I wanted. Someone took pictures of me when my baby was crowning and I was smiling. Really smiling. But after the birth I felt no high like I did the first time. I did have trouble bonding to Dd2 also. Not sure why. I guess every birth is different.

[Juvysen]

My "birth high" just means that I'm completely awake and alert for HOURS after the birth. DD was born at 6:30pm and i was up til midnight chatting and fussing over the baby. Not "happy" so much as just UP. Even after all that work. With Ds, same thing, but I'd been up for much longer before he was born (woke up at 5 am thinking my water might have broken or something, he was born at 10:38 pm, I was still up until 2 or 3 and even then couldn't really fall asleep).

[leavemealone]

I didn't have those feelings after my first and third births, but did after my second. My first was a c-section and I was in so much pain afterwards that I could hardly move for a long time. My third was a homebirth, but I was in so much pain again, I could hardly move. It took me a long time to "bond" with him - much longer than my first child. My second child was a hospital VBAC with an epidural and overall his was my best birth. I had no pain afterward and felt great. I tend to think that the pain level I was feeling afterward contributed to my lack of "birth high", but it can be different for each woman.

[mummytoH]

There's no right or wrong way to feel - I had a drug free waterbirth & somehow managed to push my 10lb boy out, and not tear or need stitches... but afterwards I felt a bit 'detached' from everything - relieved it was all over, I was made get out the pool & sit on the toilet over a bedpan to deliver the placenta & I went into shock - uncontrollable shakes etc, that really scared me. I also had an overwhelming worry something was wrong with the baby, he didn't cry when he was born - he was so relaxed! But that worried me more as you expect them to cry! We also had a scary moment near the end when my contractions stopped after his head was out - the crash team burst in as the emergency buzzer had been pulled - up until then I was coping on my own, felt relaxed & empowered and then my bubble was burst & the peace shattered, suddenly there seemed a real danger something was going wrong & I was panicked and felt like I didn't have control over anything anymore.

So for me, it was relief that was the biggest emotion.

I should add that afterwards I felt great, I was tired but physically I felt like I could have run a marathon!

[nashvillemidwife]

Originally Posted by Harmony96

No "birth high" with either birth. What's wrong with me?

Absolutely nothing.

[caned & able]

I believe the birth high is a physiological response to birth caused by the body recirculating the extra blood in the mother's body and the adrenals to handle the overload on the heart and kidneys and of course the extra endorphines in the mother's system to withstand the endurance challenge she just went through.

But, maybe your body just takes it all in stride...what is wrong with that?

[Serenyd]

This time around I didn't get a birth high. My labor started late at night, I was exhausted, the labor was extremely painful and I wasn't able to cope with it well. I was also getting over a cold. I think my physical condition had a lot to do with it. I was excited when she was born, I remember kissing her wet head and telling her I loved her, but it took a day or so before I really felt bonded to her. I was also a little upset because she looks JUST like my DP and hardly a bit like me, and I was hoping I might have one baby who looks like me .... but anyway. I don't think you're weird for not getting a birth high, I think there were probably physical/emotional factors at play that disrupted the natural high. As much as I feel cheated, I think it's actually a little easier not having to "come down" from the high and hit the baby blues full blown. Hope you are feeling better soon. You'll figure out if you want more kids eventually. You have their whole lives to bond with them and feel good about being a mother, if you want more, you'll know.

[MandyB]

NAK right now but just wanted to say i'm glad you posted this! I only felt the birth high with my first child and not at all with the other three.

[Harmony96]

Thanks, everyone. My MW is coming by again on Saturday so I'll talk about it w/ her. I do seem to be feeling better today though.

[Girlprof]

Just one more thought here. It's lovely to have a "birth high" and all, but as much as you might not know it from reading MDC, the birth really is a lot less important than the baby. I'm a firm believer in attempting to have as little intervention as possible at birth, because I believe that that is usually safer. Safer. Not necessarily more exciting or empowering or whatever. It might or might not be those things.

I recently read a great blog post somewhere that compared birth to a wedding, and having a child to the marriage. Sure, you want the wedding and the birth to be great. It really does matter. But the marriage - and the lifetime you spend mothering the child - those things are much more important.