No "birth high" with either birth. What's wrong with me? - Page 2

[wombatclay]

Hugs mama... nothing is "wrong" with you, or with your births. Sometimes there is a high, sometimes there isn't. You'll still bond with your babe!

There's an article in the latest LLL publication about maternal response to babies following a vaginal birth vs a c/s. They found the vaginal birth moms were more responsive to their babe's crying (based on brain chemical levels) at first, but that after a few months of mothering the brain response was almost the same. Although you didn't have a c/s, the point the article was making was that the daily 'work" of mothering/interacting with your babe leads to bonding.

And it's ok to not really "like" babies... a friend of mine is an amazing mom but she admits that she really isn't fond of the baby stage and doesn't bond with/enjoy her kiddos till around a year. And she has 5 kiddos with another on the way!

I hope your midwife can help... I had PPD after my first birth and it was a long journey to health. With my second and third births I made sure dh was on top of any symptoms and while I had some blues with dd2, this time I seem to have avoided PPD! I hope you too remain healthy! Congrats on the birth.

[Harmony96]

I had a visit w/ my MW this afternoon and we had a really good discussion. I started it off saying that I didn't really know how to phrase what I was feeling or not feeling, but that I was having trouble "processing" the births and that it wasn't really "sinking in" that DS was mine.

She noted that it was a somewhat difficult birth, but that I was taking care of him and that I was attentive to him right after the birth and wanting to BF, and interacting well with him and handling him with confidence (i.e. not being too protective of him and instead letting him move around some). She asked me when it sank in that I was DD's mom, and I said that it still hasn't, lol, which is true. But she asked me if I think of myself as their mom (even if I don't "feel" like their mom) and I said that I did.

We talked about the lack of a birth high and I kept mentioning how other birth stories/videos/photos that I've seen, show the mom being so ecstatic after the birth, and she gave me "permission" to just be me and to not compare myself to other moms.

Two things she mentioned are that 1) I need to take breaks now and then and 2) get together w/ another mom and her kid(s) for a visit.

The getting together w/ another mom, my MW said something about seeing her kids and seeing mine and realizing that my kids are great.

But I think the more important of the two is being able to take some breaks, whether it's to take a nap or read or whatever. Both of the children need me all the time and then DH comes home from his "break" from us (i.e. his day at work) and he piles some more needs onto me and wants my attention just as much as they do. But I've already been "attentioned" out by that point, especially on the days that he works late and I've had to put DD to bed by myself. However, if I can have a little bit of me time, then I can recharge myself and be better able to give attention to everyone. And DH has told me that he doesn't need a huge quantity of attention, but when he asks me when I'm already drained, it just makes me frustrated and then he'll ask again 5, 10, 15 minutes later and only increases the frustration on both our parts.

So I talked to DH about this later and he agrees with me and sees my point, and said that he was thinking of giving me some breaks anyway even before I brought it up to him. (sort of like it was "his" idea... you all know how guys like that, lol).

But anyway, all that to say that I am normal. And I hope some of this can help someone else, too.

[Marlet]

I haven't read the whole thread so bear with me if I'm repeating someone else.

I think we, general we, are doing women a huge disservice by talking about birth highs and other various urges/feelings etc. Not everyone gets them but you wouldn't know that from the sounds of it.

I don't get that birth high either. In fact, like you, I don't have that instant bonding. I remember crying one night to DH after DD1 was born that I was a horrible mom because while yes, I loved her, it was a default setting. It was because I had to. That true love didn't kick in until she was 3 or 4 months old. Same with DD2. It's just not how my body and hormones work out.

It's a rough thing to realize I think. to you. While I'm sure it isn't the case with everyone, I often wonder how many women are really getting this so called birth high? It may sound harsh but I swear a good portion of them are faking it because that's just what you're told happens.

I agree with your midwife, don't compare yourself to other women and just be you.

[WC_hapamama]

Originally Posted by Girlprof

Just one more thought here. It's lovely to have a "birth high" and all, but as much as you might not know it from reading MDC, the birth really is a lot less important than the baby. I'm a firm believer in attempting to have as little intervention as possible at birth, because I believe that that is usually safer. Safer. Not necessarily more exciting or empowering or whatever. It might or might not be those things.

I agree. I've had 4 babies, and will be birthing #5 soon, and I've always focused more on the end result (the baby) than the birth process itself.

[Thandiwe]

With my oldest, I had a hospital, medicated, intervention-laden birth, and I bonded instantly. With next baby, it was a natural, precipitous homebirth, and I had a "stoned" feeling, if that's what's meant by the high. I felt so "stoned" and on cloud nine. Once he was born, I was exhausted, cold, and bloodied from the pool. All I wanted was a hot shower and my bed. I remember *trying* to hand him off to someone else right away so I could shower but being told I had to wait to deliver the placenta before we could cut his cord and hand him off. I showered and settled into bed before really caring much about the baby. My husband brought him to me later because he was starting to get hungry.

I was just too darned tired and "stoned" from the birth to care. Over the next week, it gradually set in. It's not always immediate, or even close to it. Don't beat yourself up for it; don't compare your response to others. It will get better.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I cant say I had a birth high with either of mine. I was just thrilled it was over, totally proud that I did it all natural. I just wanted to sleep after. When I held dd it was kinda cause I had to, dont get me wrong I loved her but I felt distant from her. With ds it was a little better in that I wanted to hold him right away but still wanted out of the bed to shower.

[cappuccinosmom]

Nothing is wrong with you.

Some women have "highs", and good for them. Others don't and that's OK too.

I didn't do natural birth because I was looking for a "psychadelic" (per "Spiritual Midwifery" ) or transcendental feeling, or any particular feeling at all. I wanted it and fought for it because I felt it was best for my babies and for me. The "I'm so in love with this kid I can't breathe" moment happened, but months after the birth. And the dynamic in our family is more pragmatic and less emotional anyway, so over-the-moon emotional feelings, especially long-running episodes of that, are kind of out of the norm for us. Dh and I both love our children but love, to us, has at least as much to do with how we care for people in a tangible sense as it does with how we feel about them at any given moment.