*~*'~* November Dating Thread *~*'~* How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects?

[JohnnysGirl]

To answer the final poster from October, I think with Long Distance Relationships, you can never assume very much until someone moves and the relationship is explicit/official. Those phone calls can engage your heart but the risk or volatility level with LDRs is much higher than non-LDRs. They are not for the faint of heart or thin skinned. JME.

On to November!



Question of the month: How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? :

Do you play the traditional female role of standing back and waiting to approve/reject those who pursue you? Do you ever approach men in bars or online or ask friends to set you up with mutual friends? : Do you scour internet dating sites to find someone with a photos that makes your heart skip a beat (having already pre-selected the elligible stats to suit what you are seeking) or do you skip this modern, scientific way to find love and just wait for it to fall out of the sky one day on the sidewalk, or do you go out with girlfriends dancing to bars and nightclubs and see who approaches you? :

[Rosehip]

AttachedMom - I don't really have any long-distance experience, but what Butterfly says makes sense. I hope that things get clearer!

Well, reports of the death of my date's interest may have been greatly exaggerated. We're going to get together this afternoon while the kids are with their dad

Butterfly - Any updates from you?

[LoveOhm]

AttachedMom - I have had several long distance relationships when I was young and childfree. There are some wonderful benefits from having a long distance relationship from the beginning.... generally the foundation for a relationship like deeply knowing the other person, communicating, knowing the highs and lows are all established without the physical element getting in the way and clouding things up which in my opinion are all positives. The challenge for me with the two long term long distance relationships I had was at some point someone has to move for the relationship to progress..... is that going to be you or him then there are the longistics of someone quitting a job to move how to find a new one, etc.

That said it does not seem like the long distance at this point is the problem you face it seems you are facing the same thing women everywhere encounter when dating --- the man showing a great deal of interest then going MIA for a while. This is perfectly normal he could have really scared himself with how much he cares for you and with missing you so much, he could be testing you to see how clingy and needy you will be if he doesn't call, he could be torn with how to communicate or what to say because he can't very well keep saying I miss you, I want to see you then take no action so he might be trying to brainstorm a solution or hiding from the delima. I would not take his being MIA as a lack of interest in you and I would absolutely not get clingy by calling all the time, sending tons of emails, etc. I would leave one voicemail saying "you are thinking of him, miss him and hope he is well" then intentionally busy yourself so his calls are not missed. He will call again.

[LoveOhm]

Rosehip - Sounds good hopefully this afternoon will be amazing!

Butterfly - read the last few updates and it sounds like you are in great spirits, sorryy there were so many duds in one night. Also I wanted to say with the stripped shirt guy you showed some maturity, in the past I could have easily imagined you contemplating stealing him away... this time you are looking forward to just his friendship and the possibilty of his older brother being single. The guy on the train sounds like a nice new lead keep us posted.

[LoveOhm]

There is not much to update on my end I am really sick and had some major dental work done which all put a damper on my Halloween plans. I ended up low key all weekend sick and in pain. Hopefully my health will turn around quickly.

2ndHusband wrote me and said he is really focused and the rehab forces one to look deeply at themselves which he is doing. He also said he thinks he should be around in 10 days so adding the time up I think that means he would have been there for 30 days.....That all sounds really good for him so I am staying supportive. I look forward to seeing him and at this point he really needs to have an honest heart to heart chat with me then hopefully I have more clarity. At this point I feel we might need to stay in the friend with benefits zone until everything is out on the table.

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by attachedmomto3

he wants the kids and i to come to visit him in a few months and then he wants to come back up here a few months after that......

..a lot of wish you were here txts....we talked every day for the first week or so, and now......its been 5 days since we've talked on the phone!!!!!! we've emailed and txted but no phone calls.



so, now what?? do i put it all out there? do i do nothing and wait for him to say and do it all?? what do i do??

You got some wisdom already, but I'll say I totally agree with LoveOhm's second paragraph to you. He can't just keep sending 'i miss you' texts when the game plan is that you'll see one another once this winter and he'll visit you next spring? That's not even a LDR, hon. That's nobody making a move to be in a real relationship, still a he's-got-his-life-there-and-is-free-to-date-others situation and you in your still-got-your-separate-life-here-and-free-to-date-or-whatever since nothing has really been put out there on the table for anything but that. He could be testing you to see what you'll do (subconsciously perhaps), he could be feeling angst about the situation he's in with feelings for someone far away and the logistical nightmare that is and avoiding thinking about it or trying to figure it out, etc. etc. etc. If you were the last to contact, just wait. I know it sucks.

[attachedmomto3]

Thanks so much ladies!! Is does suck Butterfly, but you're right! I guess it isn't even a LDR! But in a way it is to me, not sure if he knows that though

UGH!! what have i gotten myself into? I really hope this doesn't mess up the friendship we have built!

[JohnnysGirl]

Seie will love this one.........

So.... back to my story from last month about the train, right?
Here it is again, if someone had missed it.....

OMG what luck I had today.

I was on the train today and a really cute guy sat down next to me. after some time (a long time, I had given up hope he would stop reading his newspaper and talk to me) he asked if I would like to read his newspaper and I told him I couldn't read his language and he asked if I was american and I said I was and he said he had done an exchange semester in Illinois in high school, and we started talking and it was so nice! It was very cute, this whole awkward introductions and nervous smiles and everyone on the restaurant car of the train seemed to be trying not to show that they were eavesdropping. When I had to get off we exchanged info and sent text message to each other for the following 8 hours. We plan on seeing each other and as he's giong to the countryside for the weekend with just his dog, he said maybe he would call me up for some conversation (after I had hinted that it would be nice to provide such conversation if he got bored or lonely). And he has mentiond that it was really nice to talk to me on the train and the remainder of his ride was totally boring without me to talk to, and it was really great to meet me and he hopes to see me when he's back from his weekend in the country.

I thought he might be too young but we friended on eanother on facebook and it seems that based on his graduation year from high school , we must be the same age. He has a birthday in 2 months, I wonder if he'll be turning my age or slightly older. Not that it matters. I think he's into me, ladies. And I'm into him. So far. He's realllly cute. photo from his military service available privately if you want to saunter off mdc and look. NOT super tall! But tall enough that he's my height or slightly more when I'm wearing shoes with height (which I was, today). And I met him when I was wearing a thick sweater and snow boots (with a wedge chunk platform heel under the entire sole, but they are not fancy, still just fur-lined michael kors seude, knee-high boots) and only lip gloss, no other makeup. He seemed to be into me anyways. My mom was so right.....



And then I just got a text message from a guy friend who is out at a nightclub right now sitting in the VIP section and he just spotted Spectacled Smarty (from last week/week-before's major brush-off rejection) who is sitting there alone at midnight/1am! hehehehehehe I'm enjoying this. Friday night and he's sitting at the VIP lounge at the nightclub alone..... I'm so not minding enjoying that. Some guys are obviously just crawling the 'hip' places that are cool 'to be seen' in the city (even if they are sitting there alone and being pathetic, actually), and some are out at their family's summer cabin with just their dog and enjoying the nature and meditating. I'm so into this guy.... he needs a nickname.... hmmmmmm........ How about Shy Lawyer? He seems kinda shy and held back, like it was a big deal to chat me up, and a bigger deal to sit there and keep the conversation going in english with the entire restaurant car obviously eavesdropping to watch the scene play out (nothing better to do).... but he did it anyway. Yes, he'll be the Shy Lawyer. The shy, gorgeous, young lawyer. *sigh*

So.... I didn't hear anything from him yesterday or today but tonight I was on the train again, going back the opposite direction, and was sleepy and fell asleep halfway through. I suddenly woke up with a start, and looked up at the moving object in my sight. It was Shy Lawyer walking through the aisle, not noticing me. I blink, sleepily, wondering if I'm dreaming. I get up and follow the direction he had disappeared into. He is standing there and makes eye contact and smiles. We go over and say hello and make these dumb shocked faces with smiles at each other to run into each other again on the train... and I ask him if he wants to go sit down on the restaurant car together and he agrees and we go there and the only two seats where we could talk to one another free is in the corner where we met, the same two seats we met sitting in. We sit down and it's like de ja vu and I say, "Well here we are again" and he comments that these the same seats we were sitting in when we met and I told him that's what I meant about 'here we are again' and we start talking and it's not too awkward, it's really nice actually. Too soon the train arrives in the city we live in, and I need to get out and meet my ride. We shake hands goodbye and I smile and say, "Nice seeing you again like this..... and also weird!" and he heartily agrees and says something like, "ok, see you around" and that was it.
I'm sorta.... wondering if he's going to ask me out properly and not liking the tone of ambivilance we ended on but sort of thinking that he was caught off guard and maybe not prepared to propose a date offer right there on the spot, late at night, when I showed up out of left field.... I really, really get the feeling that he's shy. We'll see each other on facebook and we obviously know how to text one another (but it's his turn! I'm trying to stay strong and not double-text him) so let's see if anything happens.

WHAT an amazing story this would be if it went anywhere!

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Question of the month: How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? :

Well, Butterflymom, since you asked. I'm pretty darned proactive. I ask around to network my way towards a great looking/seeming guy who isn't more than one or two degrees of separation away from me... I throw parties and go to parties and meet new people at them.... I go out.... and I scope online. So....... kind of firing on all cylinders.

And apparently now, suffering from multiple personality disorder and talking to myself.....

[Sagesgirl]

Butterflymom, it sounds as if he is, well, shy. I would not be surprised if it takes him a little while to work his way up to asking you out. This could be a good thing.

Now, the long distance relationship thing...It can work. But both parties have to be equally invested in it. I think Texas Gentleman and I have a pretty good chance...but there are a few things working in our favor here. For one, we're not that far from one another. We can easily make an effort to get together--in fact, I am going down to Orange this coming Wednesday for an overnighter, as his birthday is on Thursday.

More importantly, though, we grasp the necessity of living in the same place. I'm legally obligated to stay here in Bexar county--and TG has known this from the beginning. We do not have a definite time-frame yet, but we know what needs to be done to make it happen--and he told me last night, and not for the first time, that he'd move up here tomorrow if he had a job offer in the vicinity. Barring that, of course, we have two more visits (him coming here) planned out this year, and I'm going to take the kids to visit him over Spring Break.

Also, we are in contact daily. I would not be OK with anything less at this point, to be honest. From the very start we've chatted or talked or texted every single day. (In fact, we talked on the phone 3 hours this morning, are chatting on Facebook right now, & will talk probably another 2 hours or so tonight, depending on how quickly he's done with work.) I need that contact. I need lots of attention. He's happy to give it to me.

AttachedMom I will tell you to pay attention to what LoveOhm says. She has great wisdom!

Now, as for the Question of the Month...I will take it eithe way, to be honest. I have no preference. I barely bothered myself to look for prospects--Warrior_Deluxe was one of, oh, maybe 3 men I ever bothered messaging. If that many. But it is my preference when it comes to internet dating sites.

With Texas Gentleman, he pursued me. In fact, I recently discovered what I'd assumed was mostly correct...I mentioned WD's existence on my blog, and it prompted TG to make an effort to snag me. Kind of flattering, really. I have been pursued in the past, just not by anyone I had any interest in being caught by!

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by attachedmomto3

Thanks so much ladies!! Is does suck Butterfly, but you're right! I guess it isn't even a LDR! But in a way it is to me, not sure if he knows that though

UGH!! what have i gotten myself into? I really hope this doesn't mess up the friendship we have built!

I DO feel your relationship is a LDR and one with potential at that but I think he as well as you both face the challenge of either enjoying the moment and the way things are OR finding ways to make it be a closer distance (or no distance) relationship. It's not easy and can be an area of real stress. One wants it to me more the a LDR but the logistics complicate things. Not an easy position for either party....

[sbphotogr]

Hey there ladies, haven't had a chance to catch up in a while. I wanted to stop in and answer the question of the month though. I try to be proactive in the pursuit. I've asked for numbers, invited men out for drinks, and looked around on OkCupid. I really enjoy having someone pursue me much more, but this doesn't seem to happen too much for me. So I try to make something happen for myself. So far this hasn't led to great success, but mostly it's for entertainment sake and not really to find the one.
Butterflymom: What a fun double meeting. Great way to commute. If only there were trains in San Antonio.
Sagesgirl Seems like with LDR you really have to log in some hours to make up for the lack of face to face. I'm glad things are working out with you two. How exciting!

[attachedmomto3]

Thank you LoveOhm! I dunno, I guess I'll just wait and see. I don't think I could ask him how he feels, not yet anyway, maybe after the next visit. It was just an amazing time! For me and him as well! It's like we were both waiting for this for 12 yrs and it finally happened!! We've always had a very deep connection. When i've told other friends about our visit and our talking no one is surprised, they all say it's about time! Everyone could feel/see it all these years.

So to answer the q of the month, i guess, i wait and see who approaches me And when I'm out I will do the long eye contact and smile, but i don't go up to the guys, they have to come to me.

[Sagesgirl]

Originally Posted by sbphotogr

Butterflymom: What a fun double meeting. Great way to commute. If only there were trains in San Antonio.

Well, I'd suggest you could meet someone on the bus, but I ride 'em too much to say that with a straight face, LOL. Umm, maybe you could meet a nice single dad on the mini train in Brackenridge Park?

Originally Posted by sbphotogr

Sagesgirl Seems like with LDR you really have to log in some hours to make up for the lack of face to face. I'm glad things are working out with you two. How exciting!

Girl, if he was here we'd be together constantly! So this is the LDR version of it.

[LoveOhm]

Question Of the Month - I am not at all proactive when it comes to looking for dates but since I am socially outgoing anyway I never have needed to be. My most comfortable appraoch to meeting guys is thru friends of friends and the more friends you have the more that network can work directly or indirectly for you. I don't often get set up by my friends but I have met prospects who approach me at a friend's dinner party, murder mystery party, BBQ, etc. so that is the way I feel most comfy in meeting guys.

[brittneyscott]

Question of the month: I am around people so much and usually stay too busy to be proactive about dating. I mostly wait until someone appears as an opportunity and then make a move on it.

Butterflymom: This prospect sounds great. I can't wait for more updates on it. A meeting on the train is definitely interesting.

Attachedmom: I think it does sound like a LDR and agree that there are many possible reasons for his silence. I wouldn't automatically assume that it means he isn't interested. I'd just wait this one out. You made contact and wait to see what happens... even if it does suck.

Well I think Nemo has already run out his stay. He started really early with the attached stuff and it was okay at first and not really bothering me but now its getting annoying. I know it sounds bad but I don't think I can take how attached he's getting so fast and the amount of need he seems to have. I don't know but I am definitely telling him to cool it. It doesn't help that at this point I have already decided that long term he wouldn't be what I want/need anyways.

I think Psycho Cop has started to back off and I have found out about a few other girls he is also stalking so maybe he is just busy with his other victims right now. We have all been in contact and keep dragging up more girls he is harassing so we're planning a group effort to get his badge taken and some action taken about this.

I think its obvious also that Country Cutie (remember him?) has been booted. Once his friend the ex showed back up and started acting stupid that kind of killed it but thats okay. I was having mixed feelings about it all anyways so its good that it ended easily.

Now on to the BIG news... Brady showed up last night. I know I know. I went to visit my cousin (his babysitter) last night before work and found out he was in town and bringing the kids that night. I left before he got there because I didn't want to be faced with him or have him faced with me unexpectedly if he was still not wanting to talk for whatever reason. I got to work and had a message from him asking where I was for the night. I told him and he responded with telling me where he was at with his friend and that he'd be out later. He showed up not an hr later (wayy early for him to come to this bar usually). He stayed out all night and spent most of the time at my bar mildly flirting and trying to talk to me. He ended up taking a friend home towards the end of the night and asked me to wait on him to get back before I left. He returned and hung out for a while before asking me to come eat breakfast with him. We ate and then he dropped off his friend and came to my house. Oh my!

Once again I am blown away by him. We had a wonderful time and he asked me to call him later. I did text him this afternoon and he was just getting back out of town to work and was tired. I don't know what is going to happen now but I guess he'll see. I know I should probably avoid him after this siesta we've had and the way he can affect me but I can't bring myself to walk away from him if there is any chance of having him around even for a little while.

I have decided though that the few adventures I've had during the break from Brady have not been what I really want. I want the kind of connection I feel with Brady even if it isn't with him. I am going to take a major break from the dating scene and wait until I can find that kind of connection again before trying. I think I need some time to reflect on things and sort out me first. I don't know what is going to happen with Brady now but I am going to wait it out and see what goes on. Until then I'm just here trying to relax from the whirlwind this has created.

[brittneyscott]

Oops... I didn't think about it but we've had new additions to the group and I guess a lot of us here won't remember Brady. Quick recap:

This started right after I left the ex back in June. Things went well for a couple of months seeing each other every weekend and talking regularly. I really really like him and feel a connection with him I've never felt with anyone else. I don't know what he really feels about it all even though my cousin thinks he really likes me because of the way he acts around me being so different than he's ever treated any other woman that we know of. I had some personal drama here a few weeks ago and he seemed to disappear. I don't know why or if it might have been partially my fault for the way I handled/didn't handle things but the drama has ended now and he's returned. The rest of the story is in the archives and the update is posted above.

[DogwoodFairy]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Question of the month: How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? :

Do you play the traditional female role of standing back and waiting to approve/reject those who pursue you? Do you ever approach men in bars or online or ask friends to set you up with mutual friends? : Do you scour internet dating sites to find someone with a photos that makes your heart skip a beat (having already pre-selected the elligible stats to suit what you are seeking) or do you skip this modern, scientific way to find love and just wait for it to fall out of the sky one day on the sidewalk, or do you go out with girlfriends dancing to bars and nightclubs and see who approaches you? :

I am so shiny new on the dating scene that I cant speak for what I "typically" do, but I will say that I am far more comfortable taking the backseat, putting myself out there, and letting someone else come to me. That way I can pick and choose, interrogate and screen before even attempting to make a connection with someone who has no potential.

Its also because I'm chicken, my feelings are very easily hurt, and I hate feeling rejected or having further blows to my self-esteem. I am finally in a place of renewed confidence and self-healing from my loveless marriage (and the 2 abusive relationships that preceded it) that I am not actively seeking anything/anyone in an assertive way. I have lots of daydreams about finding a great partner that would be an asset to my life, but am pretty content without. So, nope, no heavy pursuit on my part

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by sbphotogr

I really enjoy having someone pursue me much more, but this doesn't seem to happen too much for me. So I try to make something happen for myself. So far this hasn't led to great success, but mostly it's for entertainment sake and not really to find the one.

: Exactly. Like it much more to be pursued (when the person is cool--who doesn't like that?? so flattering) but it doesn't happen much for me either, so it is just NOT my style to sit back and twiddle my thumbs. And the results of various attempts are highly entertaining and I also usually don't think to myself when I do something that 'this could be the one' but more like just.... to keep myself entertained and stave off boredom.

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

My most comfortable appraoch to meeting guys is thru friends of friends and the more friends you have the more that network can work directly or indirectly for you.

That's exactly what I've been doing--building up a social network....and just assuming that lots of good side benefits will happen through that. Like a boyfriend, a job, etc....

Originally Posted by Manzanita Pixie

I am far more comfortable taking the backseat, putting myself out there, and letting someone else come to me. That way I can pick and choose, interrogate and screen before even attempting to make a connection with someone who has no potential.

What if no one you find interesting approaches you? Then do you still just deal with the cards you're dealt and suck it up even if there's that really charming looking/acting man just over there who just hasn't happened to look your way yet...? : Honestly just wondering... I think my big fatal flaw is I don't know how to lure from a distance with all that meaningful eye contact you guys are so good at!

Originally Posted by brittneyscott

Now on to the BIG news... Brady showed up last night. I got to work and had a message from him asking where I was for the night. ... He stayed out all night and spent most of the time at my bar mildly flirting and trying to talk to me. ..... I don't know what is going to happen now but I guess he'll see. I know I should probably avoid him after this siesta we've had and the way he can affect me but I can't bring myself to walk away from him if there is any chance of having him around even for a little while. .

If you truly feel that way, that just having a little bit of time with him here and there, whenever/wherever on his terms, is enough for you, then fine. But how are your feelings not getting entangled when the connection is so strong on your end? I don't want to see you getting hurt any more than necessary. And if everytime you see him you are floating on cloud9 for days/weeks and comparing every other guy to him, do you think some other great guy who you could potentially feel that way about, will even register on your radar? : Honestly wondering.... I don't think a major break from dating is a bad thing. I just hate to think about you being hurt with all the Brady stuff.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

If you truly feel that way, that just having a little bit of time with him here and there, whenever/wherever on his terms, is enough for you, then fine. But how are your feelings not getting entangled when the connection is so strong on your end? I don't want to see you getting hurt any more than necessary. And if everytime you see him you are floating on cloud9 for days/weeks and comparing every other guy to him, do you think some other great guy who you could potentially feel that way about, will even register on your radar? : Honestly wondering.... I don't think a major break from dating is a bad thing. I just hate to think about you being hurt with all the Brady stuff.

: sadly these were my same thoughts. I understand you not being into the other men but I think you are also allowing Brady way to much "on his terms" have you read Why Do Men Like Bit****? If not that is your homework!

It is not too late to change the terms of the relationship but the more you allow of this the harder it will be to change those terms....