*~*'~* November Dating Thread *~*'~* How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? - Page 2

[LoveOhm]

Questions regarding 2ndHusband

2ndHusband has a one year old dd. Since his daughter is still young she is mostly with her mom with him having visitation which he really makes a priority..... I get occasional baby items for free because I wrote an organic baby food cookbook which I mentioned to him and offered him a high chair (really nice all wood, etc.) he responded absolutely that he needs everything for his dd because she is just starting to come over his house and that up to this point anything he purchased has gone to dd's mom's house. (This was our very last conversation before he went to rehab)

Fast forward --- My dd is almost three so she is at a big development transition and I just cleaned out her toys so she will have room for new items from her birthday and Christmas. I have about 2-3 bags of toys that are right age wise for his daughter is it overstepping my boundaries to give him these items?

So since I will hopefully be seeing him soon what are your thoughts???

[JohnnysGirl]

So,

You've known him and his family for years and years, and just casually mentioning to him that you just bagged up a bunch of toys and a feeding chair you're about to donate, but you'd be happy to pass them along to him since they're age appropriate for his daughter is overstepping? I don't understand why that would be. He can just say no. And if he prioritizes his child why would he worry about cramping the style of his bachelor pad with toys? He's an adult, he can find a place to put them when she is't there. He better start getting used to oblig room in his life for his child, if he hasn't already.

[sugarmoon]

LO, I agree. I wouldn't think twice about offering him the stuff (but I live in area where *everyone* passes baby/kid stuff around). If he doesn't want it, he should say so, or pass it right along without it being an issue. And as far as "cluttering up his space"? Any man w/ a kid who was irked about his space being cluttered by having an appropriate amount of kid paraphenalia would be crossed off my list!

Offer it to him -- he'll probably be grateful for the stuff, and the help on having age appropriate good quality stuff!

[LoveOhm]

Thanks for the input ladies. I did offer it to him the last time I saw him and he was very welcoming of the items but when I pulled the items all together and saw how much there was......random thoughts made me second guess myself mostly, about how his daughter's mom would potentially react, she is very threatened by me. So it led me to write a potential pro/con list. I think you ladies are right, he said he wanted the stuff so I'll give it to him and at least he has it. Thanks again.

[QueenOfThePride]

Looks like I'm starting some kind of LDR. We're only 4 hours drive apart, so not as distant as some others. We click on so many levels, and our lives have been interwoven from time to time since high school. The one catch is that he wants/ pretty much needs to move to the ocean in two years, and we live in the midwest. He is in school for marine biology. After high school, he was in Alaska and had a very close encounter with a pod of wild beluga whales and is bound and determined to get back to the ocean, preferably Alaska. Total treehugger, brilliant, fun, and on a mission to save the world (Oh, and he could be Cillian Murphy's stunt double). We both really want this to work out, but there are major tactical problems with me having kids, and joint custody with their father. Ugh. But we have at least two years to figure something out. (And he said that since he was adopted at age 6, he wants to pay it forward, as in be there for my kids.) We've agreed to not make a commitment to each other, that it's ok to see other people, but that our story is not over. For the time being, things feel great. I'm happy with the situation.

[MsChatsAlot]

It would be a shame for a little one to not have some fun toys and things that make 'daddy's place' more fun, simply because her mama is jealous.

We all get 'mother-bearish' at times, and while it's really great that you're thinking of the mom...it's not your job to take care of his ex's emotional state.

Offer the toys. If he wants them/feels it's appropriate, he'll take it. If not, he won't.

[LoveOhm]

QueenofthePride I think is is wise to think ahead but also enjoy the moment. Easier said than done I know.

I know some long distance families that REALLY put the time with both parents as a priority. Alaska is tough because of the stark weather differences from the States but where there is a will there will be a way. Perhaps is goes to school year with parent A and summer with parent B, perhaps half the year in one area in one school and half the year in another school with the same curriculum.....

I know one family where money is no object and Parent A has primary custody with Parent B having the children one week our of every 8 week, plus every other holiday, half of summer, half of Christmas, one additional week of his choosing for a family vacation, and every other Spring Break. The children have schools on both coast (one where mom lives one where dad lives) and the schools work together to ensure the children don't fall behind in anything.

So there is always a way.....

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot

It would be a shame for a little one to not have some fun toys and things that make 'daddy's place' more fun, simply because her mama is jealous.

We all get 'mother-bearish' at times, and while it's really great that you're thinking of the mom...it's not your job to take care of his ex's emotional state.

Offer the toys. If he wants them/feels it's appropriate, he'll take it. If not, he won't.

Thanks!

[QueenOfThePride]

We're hoping to tempt my ex into moving nearby if this works out in the end. It could be a possibility I think, as he is self-employed and pretty ambitious. I could see him wanting to 'conquer' a bigger city. And hopefully see it as better for the children. He does love them, even though he is a narcissist.

[Goodmom2008]

I lurk on internet dating sites. Even put my profile out there and did get a couple of e-mails.

But I really don't have time and I don't trust my judgement anymore. If you met my ex, you would never ever think that he was capable of losing control to the point of physical violence. There were no red flags, no controling behavior, nothing until the first time he assaulted me, which was when our son was 8 months old and we had been married for over 2 years.

[muse]

yikes, how did i lose track of this thread....it's november already!

updates here:

- my best male friend has been coming on strong in a sweet mature & respectful way. he also knows about my other current love interests.

- a friend's husband hit on me today. they have an open marriage. i am so not interested. but flattered. i guess i must be putting the vibe out there

- had a beer with Amazon Man finally after 2 weeks of emailing. sweet, wonderful, warm, genuine, intelligent, interesting, mature man. but zero physical attraction on my part we had a really sweet time together and i thought at least we'll be friends but then he sent so many texts and emails afterwards telling me how beautiful i am, and finding excuses to write to me..i don't know...it's awkward. but v. flattering and a much needed ego boost.

and the real one...Chicago Guy (gotta give him a better name). well he went mostly MIA last week. we haven't talked in 2 weeks. YIKES. the 28th was his big work event so i understood. but that's OVER. he finally started texting sweet msgs again, then when i responded i never heard back.

there is a sex & the city episode where Big is in a relationship with an actress and he says over and over "she can *always* find me, but i can *never* find her"...that's how i feel.

sat night i finally wrote at some crazy hr (2.30 am his time), a little drunk, saying "I don't understand?? i have to conclude none of that was real?? ". within minutes he wrote back saying "bonsoir. every moment is so real to me, still". and that was that...couldn't sleep trying to figure out what on earth is going on there...he sent me another text first thing sun am saying "you remain very real to me, can we set a time to talk tues or wed". i was so excited to hear from him I stupidly phoned him immediately but of course he didn't answer. i have no idea what he's up to. i left a good msg for him, and said tues is good.

so i am on edge mamas...not sure what will happen, if we'll end up talking, or or or... it's driving me a bit insane but i also have some kind of trust in the whole situation that's hard to explain. just praying i don't get my heart broken. and that we meet *soon*. last time we talked he brought up the webcam idea and i wanted to scream...Noooooooo, i just want to MEET you....

[JustAnotherBrick]

oh my gosh, does anyone actually remember me? i posted here VERY randomly and the last time I think I talked about a stalker-like guy.

I'm going to try and join in more often because I have to admit... I've been a serious lurker.

Last summer was the first time I actually put myself out there on the dating scene since I got pregnant. I had to turn down several guys, mostly good friends, which was painful. BUT I'm still friends with all of them.

I had a dancing partner that ended recently. I hope I understood what "dancing" means here I just felt like it was purely a physical connection and although it was exciting at first, it became old fast. It was nice to feel wanted and attractive, though... without any real strings attached. I did date a lot of random guys last summer too, but nothing came out of it. I want to post here more often but I always felt guilty for sharing my story and then being too busy to respond to others.

But after a glass of wine, I want to share something!

I am talking to this amazing guy. He is well-educated, witty, funny, attractive. We have similar tastes in literature and art. I met him once through a friend and we happened to reconnect recently through facebook. I remember being COMPLETELY into him but at the time, I was a new mother and not feeling attractive. Problem? He lives in Denmark and I'm in California. Oh great. I haven't felt this type of connection with a man in a long time. I suppose I should be happy that it can happen.

Isn't dating a completely crazy adventure? A part of me doesn't want to trust a man... or get close to one again.... But I love meeting new people and seeing where it can lead. I think I have to learn to trust myself first.

[JustAnotherBrick]

Question of the month: How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? :

[/QUOTE]


It depends. I think I'm pretty open to meeting men anywhere. I have no qualms about going up and chatting up someone. But, I do think I am very afraid of attachment or commitment that when a guy texts me and seems to be into me, I tend to brush it away quickly. I did that to a nice guy recently but I was just not feeling it.

I do wonder if I don't allow myself to become interested in men because of my fears of getting hurt. I think that's why I'm going to post here more often. I am interested in taking dating seriously but I don't know where to start!!!

[JustAnotherBrick]

Goodmom2008: I'm right there with you. My first serious relationship ended up being abusive. My son's father (I should say sperm donor, probably, seeing as he's not involved at all) was not abusive but he was an alcoholic. I had no idea until after I became pregnant. Needless to say, I do not trust my taste in men.

[JohnnysGirl]

I have the actual text messages from yesterday with Shy Lawyer available in private to peruse. I would love your guys' feedback on whether I'm coming across as too agressive.

[DogwoodFairy]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

What if no one you find interesting approaches you? Then do you still just deal with the cards you're dealt and suck it up even if there's that really charming looking/acting man just over there who just hasn't happened to look your way yet...? : Honestly just wondering... I think my big fatal flaw is I don't know how to lure from a distance with all that meaningful eye contact you guys are so good at!

Bolding mine ...
This is totally me! I totally just deal with what comes my way and end up sucking it up, because I always figure, well, I guess if I could do better, they'd be approaching me...isnt that pathetic? I am so shy about dating/relationships that I writhe in agony when I'm turned down (dont know when that started, hasnt always been that way). I think struggling through a couple very abusive relationships really gave me a huge self-esteem issues that still need some working on. I am just not assertive enough to GO GET what I want (in regards to men. In everything else in life, I am a typical Aries, and charge head-on into whatever I desire. With tenacity).

In news regarding cute artist guy I met recently online - we spent almost every minute of last weekend together, and I have to admit to feeling a teeny bit suffocated already He's very sweet, and we have lots in common, but I'm getting some "clingy" sort of vibes from him... eek. He asked me last night when I gave him a ride back to his house "So how are you feeling about us?" I'm thinking, "there's an us?" Also during a conversation, I got a very possessive type comment from him. I cant recall what we were talking about, but I made the comment that my ex had put me through hell for the last couple of years, and it had certainly aged me. Cute artist guy said, "Well, those days are all over now", and tried to lean in and kiss me. Maybe it was just me, but I heard the unfinished end, "now that I'm here in your life". I've known him (in person) for a total of 2 weeks.


So I dont know where things will go from here. I really enjoy spending time with him, but the mutual physical attraction has already cast some energy from his direction that he wants to know when he's going to get some.

Im so not ready for that. He's already on a first name basis with my mother. That freaks me out. All hurtling forward at an astonishingly fast pace, and I did let him know that last night when he asked about "us". Thankfully he works long hours, so getting together during the week is not really an option. I have a few days to think about a way to let him know I need things to move slower, or I'm likely to bolt, great chemistry or not!

Not that I wouldnt enjoy some intimate time with him , but not yet.

[MsChatsAlot]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I have the actual text messages from yesterday with Shy Lawyer available in private to peruse. I would love your guys' feedback on whether I'm coming across as too agressive.

Just be yourself and listen to your gut. If he's the guy for you or a guy you're meant to be with, he will be just fine with your approach. If it's too much for him...it's better to know now.

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by JustAnotherBrick

oh my gosh, does anyone actually remember me?

back! I remember you. The Dane sounds yum. share a photo privately? :

also to newcomer these days, Manzanita Pixie. I don't think that cute artsy guy sounds like he's doing anything but being great, from just what you posted, but maybe your brain is interpreting things in a too-much-too-soon sort of way because either a) it's too much to soon -duh- or b) he's just not quite right for you in some way, and part of your brain gets that and is not quite so welcoming of his intense interest. Just my .02!

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot

Just be yourself and listen to your gut. If he's the guy for you or a guy you're meant to be with, he will be just fine with your approach. If it's too much for him...it's better to know now.

: ITA. It's just irritating having to sit on my hands for 7 days and wait for his work and travel plans things that are keeping him from being free to meet up with me to resolve so that we can meet. I'll try to get my mind off it so it goes by quicker, but really.... I just wish I could know THIS week and not have to wait until next week to find out whether or not he's into me.

[sugarmoon]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I have the actual text messages from yesterday with Shy Lawyer available in private to peruse. I would love your guys' feedback on whether I'm coming across as too agressive.

I looked, but? Tell me where to look.

I didn't end up going on that lunch date I mentioned -- my work schedule that day changed and made it impossible to go met him. And then I just sort of...I don't know, got cold feet. I've been ignoring him since friday, haven't even checked that email account (I use a special email acct just for online dating sites). I feel like a UAV, and I guess I am, but I just can't deal atm.

Not sure what that means for me. I want to meet someone IRL, someone who will catch my eye and make my stomach flip-flop. Actually, I was at a Halloween party and there was a guy there who did just that, but he is married, and really, it only happened because of his insane resemblance to Complications.

I am working on a plan for going out more, and going a bit further afield when I do. And I joined the gym in town, both cause I NEED the exercise (for weight loss/fitness and mood regulation) and cause I am hoping it will introduce me to a different pool of people.

So I guess that is my mini-update. I'm trying to meet people IRL. But still browsing the personals online