*~*'~* November Dating Thread *~*'~* How proactive are you when it comes to finding prospects? - Page 11

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by Holland73

It is hard, Seie... I completely understand.

Here is my suggestion... take it as you will.

Take a step back and spend some time with yourself... just start making a dream list of everything you want in a relationship. Try... if you can, to separate the list from your current relationship, meaning don't let your current relationship have any input into this list. Then, narrow it down to 3-4 items that are complete non-negotiables.

Once you figure that out... sit and REALLY look at reality of your relationship and how it fits with those non-negotiables. THEN... just process, process, process.

You will know what you need to do when you reach the point of just not being able to do it anymore.

It is so hard!!!! My heart goes out to you.

: My heart goes out to you as well. Seie

[DanishMom]

Originally Posted by Holland73

It is hard, Seie... I completely understand.

Here is my suggestion... take it as you will.

Take a step back and spend some time with yourself... just start making a dream list of everything you want in a relationship. Try... if you can, to separate the list from your current relationship, meaning don't let your current relationship have any input into this list. Then, narrow it down to 3-4 items that are complete non-negotiables.

Once you figure that out... sit and REALLY look at reality of your relationship and how it fits with those non-negotiables. THEN... just process, process, process.

You will know what you need to do when you reach the point of just not being able to do it anymore.

It is so hard!!!! My heart goes out to you.

Great advice from Holland. I'm so sorry Seie but the divorce sitution sounds like a superstressful issue for you to deal with. I'm thinking that you should consider giving him an ultimatum. Get a divorce within (whatever reasonable time frame) or I'll end the relationship. That's my 0.02...IMO there is a HUGE difference between not wanting children and still being married. And the latter is no doubt a huge dealbreaker while the first one doesn't have to be.

The offer about calling me is still there of course.

[sugarmoon]

Quick update...

ATG sent me a text yesterday at work, saying he was in town and asking if I wanted to sneak out of the office and have a beer with him, which I did, of course! That was a lot of fun, a lot of flirting/tension, and we made plans for him to come to my place after the kids were in bed.

He came, but my youngest (2 yr old) Would Not Stay Asleep. I put him down 3 or 4 times before it finally took at 10:30! I felt pretty self concious about that, as I hadn't wanted him to meet the kids, and it as just such a tangible reminder of the ways having the kids creates limitations in what I can do.

Still, at one point when ds was in bed, we started talking about politics, which is always fun, and very spirited. Ds woke up again, while we were in the thick of things, long before we'd come to any resolution and when I came back down (with ds in my arms) ATG seemed resigned to going home and watching CNN. I asked him to stay a bit longer, and thankfully, the next time I took ds he stayed asleep!

I really like this guy. But now I'm having all that weird angst about how interrupted we were by ds last night, and how it just makes it clear that my role as mom supercedes anything else that may be going on in my life.

And that shouldn't make me feel angsty (and to his credit ATG was totally chill about it, the angst was all me), as it is TRUE and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just wish ds would have stayed asleep, at least for ATG's *first* visit to my house!

I'm not sure when I'll see him again -- this weekend is full, work for him, and I don't have my usual kid-free day, due to my ex-h's schedule, and then ATG is traveling for T'giving, and will be away for several days...

We'll see.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by sugarmoon

I felt pretty self concious about that, as I hadn't wanted him to meet the kids, and it as just such a tangible reminder of the ways having the kids creates limitations in what I can do.

...

I really like this guy. But now I'm having all that weird angst about how interrupted we were by ds last night, and how it just makes it clear that my role as mom supercedes anything else that may be going on in my life.

And that shouldn't make me feel angsty (and to his credit ATG was totally chill about it, the angst was all me), as it is TRUE and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just wish ds would have stayed asleep, at least for ATG's *first* visit to my house!

Being a mom and dating is not easy. In the 6+ years that I have been single and the 2 serious relationships I have had during those six years, I can safely say that I have had a few of experiences as you had last night.

Two things to keep in perspective:

1. Child interruptions are going to happen and, perhaps, that is a good thing. It shows the man exactly what life as a parent is about and remember, it happen regardless of if you are single or married -- my married friends have the same exact problem with interruptions as I do. I figure it is better to know early on if he can laugh, perserve and go with the flow.

A couple of married friends told me that I was lucky because both men from my two previous, serious relationships were more patient, understanding and had a great sense of humor about child interruptions than their husbands did... because they knew it was a part of the territory from the VERY beginning.

Your role as mom doesn't necessarily supercede with everything else in your life, but it does require that you do the balancing act more often than childless adults. But, that is true for all parents.

2. Introducing prospective partners to children is a difficult one. I am pretty progressive in my beliefs about these introductions, but this has a been a slightly more complicated situation for me this time around than in the past.

Since my break up with S was fairly recent and he was living with us, I also didn't want to intro ds to P too quickly.

Unfortunately, ds heard the door shutting when P came over and quickly ran out to see who was here. I casually introduced them ("this is mommy's friend, P") and immediately sent ds back to bed. Ds was more enthralled with P's motorcycle helmet than anything else... "He has a motorcycle!!!!" Ds hasn't mentioned anything about him since.

Tonight, P will be picking me up for our date and I have no problem with him meeting ds again during the pick up nor do I mind that ds knows I am going out with P... I just feel like we (P & I) need to have a more distant, "friendly" front with ds for awhile to give him a chance to adjust and process. I think that once ds and P start getting to know each other better, ds is going to be pushing me full-force into P's arms.

I don't know... I am still working this one out for myself. I just take it day by day and go by what feels right to me and for ds. I don't think there is any right or wrong, unless of course, someone was bringing multiple men home.

[sugarmoon]

Thanks for your thoughts, Holland. I feel a little better. I got a nice email from him this morning, and like I said, the angst was all me. He was very chill about it, even when he said that he thought he'd have to go home and watch CNN, just to get his political fix for the evening.

It is interesting to hear your thoughts on letting kids meet people earlier, rather than later. I've been leaning more towards later, but also realized that if I want to keep things strictly (or even mostly) kid-free, I wont' be able to spend more than one or two days or evenings each week with someone. And, of course, how a guy interacts with my kids is a huge factor whether i'd be serious with him. What I'm thinking with ATG at this point, is to talk to him about it a bit -- he seems like someone I'd want to stay friends with, even if a relationship doesn't work out between us, and he seems to be friends with his exes, in general. If that seems reasonable, I'm willing to have him around the kids, more, sooner.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by sugarmoon

he seems like someone I'd want to stay friends with, even if a relationship doesn't work out between us, and he seems to be friends with his exes, in general. If that seems reasonable, I'm willing to have him around the kids, more, sooner.

You know what, though... there are just NO guarantees.

You, nor he, could guarantee that you would both stay friends if a relationship doesn't work out between the two of you. He could make the promise, but honestly, people change, circumstances change, life happens... you just never know.

I thought when I married my XH and we decided to have a child together that we would be together forever... nope. Then, as we were getting divorced, I thought he would always be a part of ds' life (esp. since he is ds' biological father)... nope.

This is not just the case in romantic relationships. I have had quite a few girlfriends come and go from my life over the years, in addition to a few who have been around for years on end and even a few who flit in and out depending on what is going on in both of our lives.

[DogwoodFairy]

Desperately wishing I had time to update re: Cute Artist Guy. Things have steadily progressed, and I am just ga-ga, I guess. He has persisted (respectfully) and I'm glad...what a fantastic connection we have. We have deleted/hidden all dating site profiles, and discussed commitment to each other.

Progress has reached the point where I changed my facebook the other day to "In a relationship" Scary. Exciting. Unexpected. But so good for me, I am feeling.

[sugarmoon]

MP: sounds great!! Looking forward to a full update when you have time.

Holland: Point well taken, and understood. Still, I feel like having a conversation about it ahead of time is worthwhile -- his reaction and responses will tell me somethings about him, regardless of what may or may not happen in the future -- it is important me to gauge his understanding of how careful I want to be with bringing people in and out of my children's lives.

((((Seie)))))) I have nothing to add, but I am thinking of you, for sure.

and Miss Butterfly....we know you're out there, having fun with CH...update when you can, inquiring minds, you know

[muse]

well, mamas...i ended it with Chicago Guy. So much to say about it.
heartbreak confusion shock bewilderment hurt sadness grief relief?...

all about a man i have never even met, but it doesn't make it any less real. it does make closure difficult though.

i have to remind myself *I* ended it, *I* told him i couldn't do this anymore. I must have had wisdom in there. I'll be processing this one for some time.

And I have zero interest right now in trying to meet anyone. It's me time, baby....

"strength courage and wisdom, it's been inside of me all along" India Arie. My prayer right now.

[goodygumdrops]

Hi ladies,

I have followed your thread off and on for a few months now. I'm working my way towards dating but it's so hard to wrap my head around since I've been with my stbx for a little over 10 years. I am so lonely and I am seriously sex deprived. I used to be such a sexual person and that part of me has been closed off for so long, I just can't imagine being with someone. I have totally let myself go....and I can't even imagine dating. I am about 5 pounds overweight but I'm more like 20 to where I would like to be. So, help me out ladies. Everyone here seems like their doing well and getting out a lot. I'm 33 and I'm tired of being lonely.

Oh, and I'm married still for the benefits. My stbx is in the army and is away indefinitely.

[LorenaAZ]

This is a difficult subject.
When is it ok to start meeting new people? Is there a kind of 'divorced etiquette'? There is a single dad that would like to meet me but I'm not sure what to do. He sounds very good so far (through emails), we have many similar interests, etc. But I'm not ready to jump in a relationship (not by a long shot) and neither is he. I think we're both just looking for another adult who's going through the same things and with whom we can connect in a social level. I have my own place and live apart from STBX but I am still legally married (he isn't). Monday morning is when my attorney and I will finalize all the paperwork before filing for divorce. I am excited to meet the single dad but at the same time feel like it isn't proper. Am I just way behind with the times? When is it ok to start meeting new people?

[sugarmoon]

((((Muse))))) No, no less hard, possibly more hard, because the loss is so intangible. I'm sorry.

goodygumdrops and LorenaAZ, welcome! I think you just gotta get yourself out there. GGD, I am much more than 5 lbs overweight, but I haven't let that stop me -- I am working on losing weight and taking care of myself, but I'm doing it for me, and havent' found it to be a problem, dating wise.

As far as the married-divorced limbo thing, I think different people feel differently about it. I felt fine dating after filing but before finalization, but some men weren't comfortable dating me in that situation. And, I have to admit, that 1.5 years out, when a recently separated man wanted to date me recently, I just felt like it was too early for him and I couldn't take him seriously.

[AlwaysByMySide]

Originally Posted by goodygumdrops

Everyone here seems like their doing well and getting out a lot.

It's been well over two months since I was seeing anyone, and prior to him, it was 2 years since I'd seen the (still) stbx. So, no, everyone here is not necessarily doing well. I'm frustrated with the slim pickings in my area (either they are all married and have kids, they are little boys pretending to be men, they are not in the realm of intelligent, they are hopelessly unattractive to me, or, in the most recent case, HE approached me on an online dating site, he has acted interested for a month, but I can't get him to take the step from email to even a phone call (much less a date!) The fact that my standards are pretty high doesn't help things. SIGH.)

Originally Posted by LorenaAZ

This is a difficult subject.
When is it ok to start meeting new people? Is there a kind of 'divorced etiquette'?

I am still not legally divorced, but I haven't spoken to or seen my stbx in over two years. (For the record, due to some of the benefits we were getting because of what he did to land himself in prison, to continue receiving those benefits, I was required to stay married to him. Those benefits lasted until a year ago. Since then, it's just more of me having so much other stuff going on that I took a long time to get around to getting divorced.) I had someone balk at dating me, because I was still married, but I'm obviously (at least, in my eyes, it's obvious) not going to get back together with him when he gets out of prison. I think it's more of a case-by-case situation.

[Rosehip]

Welcome Goody & Lorena!

Goody - I've got a few extra pounds on me, but if I always waited to be the perfect weight, I'd never do a thing! I go up & down and tend to run 5-12 pounds heavy. So be it. I do my best to stay on top of my weight & fitness (if I didn't consciously stay on top of it, things would quickly spiral totally out of control) and then just plow ahead with life. Plus, the excitement of dating has always been a great diet aid for me!

Lorena - I did not start dating until my divorce was finalized, and I would not date a still-married (even if separated) man unless under fairly extraordinary circumstances. He lives in a country where divorce is illegal, he lives in NY state and his wife is blocking the divorce, and establishing residency elsewhere would destroy his career and jeopardize custody/visitation of his kids, something along those lines. Why these standards? Partly it's personal values - you're married or you're not, and if you're married, you don't get to date others. I know other people disagree, but for me, that's the general rule. There are also the logistics - the divorce process itself (separate from whatever emotional/personal trauma led you to divorce) is very often exhausting, time-consuming, expensive, and upsetting. When I was going through it, I just *barely* managed to deal with my kids & keep my head above water in my classes. Any kind of socialization took absolute last priority, and that was appropriate. I didn't want to explain to potential suitors - well, no, I'm not divorced, I'm separated, but it's really over, etc., etc. Finally, I wouldn't date a still married man because there is at least a chance that things aren't totally over in both spouse's mind (heck, my X was still trying to get with me months after he moved out AND he was dating others). I've heard too many stories of the man who tells his girlfriend he is "going to leave" his wife and it doesn't happen. So that's my take. Not for everyone, but I'm really happy I didn't start dating sooner - I waited until about 3 months after my divorce was final.

Muse - I'm sorry it came to this! I wish it could have had a different ending, but I think this is the right decision.

Manzanita - How exciting!

Sugarmoon - I'm with you on the idea of keeping dates & kids separate for a while. It does limit how much time you can spend with someone, but honestly, I think that's ok, and maybe a positive. I really feel that I want to *date* someone - not jump straight into a relationship, but get to know each other gradually - perhaps it's more formal or old-fashioned. But I don't want to find myself knee deep in a hot & heavy relationship and wondering if this is the kind of person I really want to be with. This is very different than my past MO. I really don't want my children to get involved with someone before I have a very good idea that he is going to be around for the long haul. I want to know him very well before they get to know him. Now, if something seems like it's going to be long term, that absolutely, we've got to see if could work with the kids.

Sieie - I have to agree with Danish. I'm sorry you're in such a stressful situation.

MomAnderson - can't wait to hear about the date! It's nice to be able to wear heels!

LoveOhm - regarding the Steve Harvey guidelines. I've actually personally evolved to feel more & more in agreement with some of these. In the past, I sort of fell into relationships with whomever was pursuing me with whom I felt chemistry, and, in retrospect, I did myself no favors and could have done a whole lot better.

Butterfly - awaiting an updated!

As for me, well, I'm pretty happy! I had a great time out with my guy the other night. I really like how things are progressing. It's been slow (I think 5 dates in maybe 5 or 6 weeks - he travels a lot), but in a good way. I've had lots of time to process things without getting quickly swept away. I'm starting to feel a real connection/relationship *with* him, rather than just an attraction *to* him. He's started IMing and calling me just to chat or say hi, which is really nice. I'm super wary of letting myself fall for him because my X really presented himself fraudulently and I'm terrified of getting sucked in again. But thus far, everything checks out. He seems very open and honest. I met a few of his friends the other night, and they seem nice. He cut his hair shorter and I like it! He's the first person I've dated post-divorce. I some ways I think it would be good to have a date with someone else, but no other prospects. The only other guy with potential (yes, I'm very picky) online stopped messaging after I mentioned childcare issues in regards to rescheduling a date. I haven't met, or been set up with anyone not online.

Opinions please - would you *not* get serious with the first person you dated, just on principal? One of my friends seems to think so, but I'm not sure I should pass this guy up just because I haven't dated anyone else?

[JohnnysGirl]

So,

I need to talk! Are any of you that I normally chat with available? Any of you that I don't normally chat with on skype or messenger or facebook so we can talk?? Private message me your userID.

[JohnnysGirl]

manzanita pixie, wow! I'm so excited for you! You are lucky.

muse, I am so sorry for your loss. Take time to grieve.

sugarmoon, just go with your gut. take a chance and don't second-guess yourself too much. You're a great mama and I for one trust your instincts on this.

goodygumdrops I'm so sorry your'e lonely and physically deprived. No one should have to live like that.

LorenaAZ, everyone's different but if you feel it's not proper, maybe, for you, it's not.

Rosehip, passing on a guy arbitrarily because you haven't sampled around enough is silly if that's the only reason.


As for me, I've had a whirlwind weekend thusfar. A childhood friend (and old flame, sort of, but the flame part was only one night almost ten years ago when he first confessed his lifetime obsession/love of me) popped up to let me know that his marriage is falling apart and he's still certain that he and I are meant to be together and urges me to meet up with him soon. But I won't. VGB popped up the next day to say that I'm haunting him in his dreams. But offers no more than that. Is still with girlfriend.

CH pushed me to visit him while his kids were home. At first wanted me to spend time with them but I balked and then he said , ok after they are asleep, and then when I did I realized how NOT soundproof any part of their apartment is from any other part and I felt weird spending much time snuggling in his bedroom when it didn't feel private (I could hear kids' coughs, etc, in their bedrooms). He pressured me to stay the night and promised he would take me home before the kids woke but there's just one bathroom and the thougth of running into one of his teen kids in the middle of the night on the way to/from the bathroom was horrifying in my mind and I just wanted to go home and wanted to continue our evening snuggling shenanigans in my bedroom with total privacy but he pushed and pushed me to stay at his place and refused to spend time at my place that night until I got so stressed at having to explain that when my kids aren't with me and I'm missing them I do NOT want to deal with another woman's kids especially when we've only seen each other four times ever and our relationship is just budding and beginning and we don't know where it's going and eventually I just started crying and asking him to take me home. Then he still pushed to just snuggle there for five more minutes and after a minute or two I jumped up and headed for the door. He tooke me home.

Sigh.

[JohnnysGirl]

oh my goodness.....

So he had this whole big day planned out for today for us that would have involved going to the woods with his three kids, sending them ahead to a campsite and us going to a lake for swimming (! it's 40 degrees outside! The water is COLD! I do NOT want to get sick and comprimise my immune system when people are getting swine flu all around me!) and then hiking up to a campsite, where his kids would have lunch waiting for us and a fire. He cancelled it of course when he saw my reaction to potentially meeting his kids all of a sudden for breakfast. How weird it would have been for him to surprise me like that by picking me up with all his children in his car without telling me that I would have been meeting them! Gosh, he has pushed the idea of me being around them directly about 3 times now, to which I made it clear that I am NOT ready to start developing a relationship with his kids, and then pushed very hard me spending the night in which a chance meeting in the hall leading to the one bathroom was seemingly likely, and now he was planning on surprising me/springing them on me in a car where I would just be stuck going camping with them without having known what was going on?!

He recognizes that it would have been too stressful and cancelled the thing, now, but .... : Why did he ever imagine that would have been a good idea?

[Ione]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I need to talk! Are any of you that I normally chat with available? Any of you that I don't normally chat with on skype or messenger or facebook so we can talk?? Private message me your userID.

If you ever see me online on FB, and are needing to chat, don't hesitate to drop me a line. For real.

[Zeta]

Butterfly, Something is "off." It's as if he is in a rush to show off his kids to you or you to his kids. What's the deal?

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by Rosehip

Opinions please - would you *not* get serious with the first person you dated, just on principal? One of my friends seems to think so, but I'm not sure I should pass this guy up just because I haven't dated anyone else?

Rules are silly, and this is particularly inane!

I got serious with the man I went on my very first post-divorce date with, and after two years, we're still together.

I have heard that the first post-divorce relationship break up is particularly hard. I hope I do not have to experience that first hand. And I am sorry for those here who have.